Clarity.

ok.  So this afternoon, I had this great idea.  OK.  Actually, I knew there was nothing great about this idea at the time, but I wanted to get a 24 oz cup full of all of the substances I am most allergic to, and consume it.  yes.  brilliant.  Not exactly part of my food plan, but not an abstinence breaker either.  My stomach does not react well to caffeine, coffee, milk, or refined sugar, or sugar alcohol (common artificial sweetener).  All of those things were in the french vanilla coffee I bought.  It wasn't an impulse.  I thought about it for about 2 hours before I made the purchase, and I was calm, aware, and somewhat rational when I bought it.  I rationalized that I was cold and wanted something to warm me up, but I was aware that I really wanted it as a  comfort food/ anaesthetiser.  My feelings had been overflowing all day saturday in anticipation of the potential meeting at breakfast this morning.  I knew there was a chance that I would have to confront the drama of my past.  I did a lot of writing yesterday to get the feelings out so I could be clear and free...know where I stand.  I just wanted to go to breakfast with my friends, and not worry about running into someone who probably hates me.  I couldn't do it.  I froze.  I got caught up in controlling how they felt about me.  I can't have someone hate me.  I CAN'T!  The only way to be OK, was to have him be impressed with how well I'm doing, and to make her like me again, but I can't control that!  none of it is up to me.  I was afraid that ... just everything.  There was no way to behave, and make them feel the way I wanted them to feel.  I just want everyone to be OK.  To be happy.  I forgot that I had to let go of that.  You can't be present when you're caught up in the past.  If I had thrown away the past, and let go of the future, I could have stayed focused on my friends, and ...I don't know.  All I could do was pretend not to see them, and try to constantly be aware of where they were, so that I could hide, but not actually see them or know where they were...it felt terrible.  And of course i was upset that if they saw me behaving this way, they would know how horrible and insecure I felt, and i don't want them to know that!  But I don't want them to think that i'm so selfish and insensitive that I can' possibly be happy in their presence.  I'm so silly.  But it's a lot to deal with.  I did the best I could, and it's been really amazing seeing how the universe gives me exactly what I can handle: always enough to challenge me when I'm ready for it, but never more than I can actually manage.  Sometimes it seems impossible, like I'll never get through it.  It's scary, but those are the times of the most accellerated growth.  It's been really cool to see how it all plays out when I trust a higher power.

It was really nice to get back to my talking and writing yesterday and today.  I had been doing moderate amounts consistently for a while, until I got bored, and started reading that novel.  It was nice to take a brake for a while, but I totally felt the effects.  So many thoughts and feelings got bottled up, and I could feel them building, but I couldn't put the book down, and I couldn't miss my activities, so recovery was sacrificed.  Luckily, when it got uncomfortable enough, I reached for my trusty tools, and started writing and talking again.  I just spent about 3 hours on the phone purging all of the feelings and ideas that had gotten stuck inside.

One interesting thing that has recently come to the surface is my detachment from my true feelings, and how I've locked in on this habit of finding out how I should think and feel about certain things, and then brainwashing myself to believe that.  I'm so adept at it that it's really hard to identify my true ideas and emotions, and separate them from the fabricated ones I'm supposed to have.  It's been a barrier for me for a long time.  I've come to understand how crucial it is for me to really feel and express my truth, and it's going to be a long hard process with lots of digging to reacquire the skill.  I've denied it so long out of fear of hurting someone else.  What if my opinion hurts someone?  I can't let them know, but it's wrong to lie.  So before I even know that i have an opinion, I cut myself off, and figure out what is "right" to say or think.  I instantly convince myself that that is my truth, and really believe it, but don't realize that I've betrayed myself.  Sometimes I find I have completely opposing views of the same topic based entirely on who I am in the company of.  And when I'm saying I agree with you, I totally believe it!  I have no idea that I'm letting you choose my opinion for me.  If I can't tell what everyone else wants me to think, I find that I don't know.  That I don't have an opinion.  Somehow I'm blocked.  The truth is that I'm always blocked.  I'm so scared of having my own opinion about anything that anyone else cares about.  I never made this connection before, but the only thing I have really strong opinions about are things that most other people don't care about.  It's ok for me to have my own opinions about things that aren't important to other people.  Then they won't get offended!  Wow.  that's so messed up.  I always say that I'm un-peer-pressureable, when in truth, I let the the outside world determine many of my thoughts.  I do what I'm told, and convince myself that I chose it.  Now, I am exagerating a little, but that's kinda what I do.  I really want to start working more on having my own opinion and expressing it freely.

AND being Judgemental.  I watched this amazing scene from "The Guardian", where the kid in coast guard training gets totally called out on his motive for being there.  He's all about being the best and breaking records.  He doesn't really care about his teammates or saving lives.  He thinks he does, because he's supposed to, but the trainer can see right through it.  He gives him the opportunity to go ahead and break all of the records on the board- prove how much better his is than everyone else...It made me realize how much of a self-centered brat I am.  I write people off all of the time.  "they're so slow, weak, incompetent; they don't care enough; why do they even bother?"  Holy crap!  Who am I to judge?  I say the same thing about myself whenever I have an off day.  Is there seriously something so wrong with simply doing something for the pure enjoyment of it?  Does it really hurt me if they think they're top-notch highly motivated athletes?  Is it really necessary for them to know that they will never be as good as so-and-so?  It's important for people to have self-confidence, and enjoy what they're doing.  Not for them to "know their place"!  Oh my gosh!  Please grant me the willingness to accept myself and others exactly as we are, and to find the good in everyone.  To appreciate each of us for who we are.  I want to be able to enjoy connecting with everyone I come into contact with, and stop trying to find reasons to cut myself off from all of humanity.  That would be better for all of us.  

deep breath.

I accept that this is going to take me a while.  I'll keep praying for it, and staying aware of it.  I'll keep trying, and letting go.  

I'm so glad I did all of this writing and talking today.  I feel so much clearer and coherent and self aware.  Everything had gotten foggy.

catch up

fudge!!!  i don't want to write right now!  I'm totally addicted to the novel i'm reading right now, and i should have gone to sleep 21 minutes ago, but i want to stay up and read, but i feel guilty for not having written for a few days.  so much has been going on, i haven't had time to keep up.  ok...not guilty...unsettled.  i guess i have a lot of ideas floating around in my head that i may or may not have processed yet.  I did a lot of driving yesterday and today.  12 hours on the road with no phone, no music, no distractions whatsoever.  it was interesting, i guess.  i practiced the zen way of thinking - appreciating everything for what it is, being present in the moment...i think that's what it was about.  so i appreciated the beauty of the clouds behind the mountain even though they were pretty much the same as the last 20 mountains and clouds.  Does the fact that i've seen mountains before make the ones i'm looking at any less beautiful?  it shouldn't.  I did pretty well with that.  I rewrote the lyrics to the song "Gotta have faith" so that it's all about eating disorders and recovery from them.  I did a lot of singing to myself.  i had this one "great" experience where i knew i was running out of gas, and probably wouldn't make it to the next rest stop.  i prayed and prayed, and coasted down the exit ramp into the rest stop.  Hooray!  Yay God!  awesome, right!?  NO!!!  This rest stop - the one they'd been posting on billboards for 60 miles, apparently only has bathrooms, benches, and a broken pay phone.  yeah.  and my phone got no service.  So the good news?  I found convincing evidence that speeding is way less fuel efficient.  at 55 mph, I can go twice the distance on one tank of gas that I can go at 125 mph.  Yes.  I was speeding horribly.  But I was going to be late for a very important job, and if I averaged 120 mph for the last 2 hours of my drive, i could make it on time!  there's some self will.  lol.  so once again, i didn't get to control that outcome.  I got AAA to come give me gas, but when i found out i'd have to wait 45 min for them to arrive from the nearest town, i started crying hysterically.  can u blame me?  but this wonderful lady who had let me borrow her cel phone reminded me that it's ok, i'm safe, healthy, and alive, and it's all going to be all right.  "No it's not!"  I wailed.  "I'm gonna be late for work!'  she let me call to tell them i'd be late, and you won't believe it.  Apparently, she'd already called my phone (which wasn't working) to tell me that we wouldn't get to my scene for several hours, and that I should take my time getting there.  It was all OK.  i couldn't believe it.  the lady gave me a hug, made sure i was allright, and went on her way.  

My food was kinda squirrely, and i want to be accountable.  My late evening snack was dried fruit, almonds, cashews, and beef jerkey.  I try not to have dried fruit, because it's so high in sugar, and i have abused it so much in the past.  Once of the fruits was sweetened mango, and i'm allergic to mango.  i ate it anyway, and loved it.  it was a reasonable portion at the right time, but not totally what i wanted, and of course 5 minutes after i finished eating it, they brought out what i had wanted.  An actual warm meal.  It was chilli and quesadillas.  it was so hard not to eat it then and there.  I tried to stay away and distract myself.  When i finished working, I packed some of the food, wrapped it up, and brought it back to my hotel with me.  I hadn't looked at the time when i finished my last snack though.  I think i ate the chilli and quesadillas too soon.  I'm pretty sure i did, and i knew it at the time.  and i may have had too much, but that's a judgement, not a certainty.  i didn't feel full.  it's just more fattening food than I'm used to, so i don't know how much is ok.  then all they had for continental breakfast was sugar and carbohydrates.  I had a bowl of oatmeal mixed with raisen bran and a small bagel with cream cheese.  I'm not really comfortable with any of that, but I didn't binge, and i didn't beat myself up for it.  I'm mostly looking at that meal as an accomplishment that I could accept what was available, and not have to panic or go on a rampage looking for exactly what i wanted.  I was very hungary later though - perhaps a result of all the high carb foods that may have given an insulin spike?  i dunno.  i was also freezing, so i stopped at denny's for breakfast, and got the lumberjack scramble.  This was really borderline, but i think i consider it a success.  I had scrambled eggs with bacon, vegi's, potatoes, and cheese.  hash browns on the side, and 2 pancakes.  I ate syrup on my pancakes.  syrup.  that's sugar.  that's anti-food plan.  ugh.  i have chills.  the thing is, that before, that would have triggered an uncontrollable binge.  I ate all the pancakes and the syrup, but i didn't order anything else after.  i wasn't uncomfortably full, and i left a bunch of the hashbrowns on my plate.  i used to have a problem with hash browns too, but not today.  I really needed some time to sit down and warm up, and maybe i ate a little compulsively, but it wasn't a binge, and i was present.  i accepted it.  i don't know how much that had to do with my semi-anorexic desire to not eat my next meal 4 hours later, but i had my salad anyway.  and my next salad 4 hours after that.  and tonight i went to an extra meeting, and did my grocery shopping.  then i had all these plans for cooking up some exorbidant hot meal, but i decided to eat a nice little organic chicken wrap from whole foods instead.  i had a sober dinner.  I'm getting settled back in at home.  I did my inventory.  I read "just for today".  I made a bunch of phone calls today.  and I did it.  I accomplished something pretty impressive on this little trip, and I can acknowledge that I'm proud of myself.  I'm still struggling to plan out my next few days, but I'm doing really well.  I'm always gonna be OK, and in each moment, I can choose to live that way.  I can choose to be more than OK.  and I am.  I'm glad i took this time to write.

I don't really think i have anything to say today, but whenever I think that, there's always something creeping up on me, and if I don't write, I don't notice.  I'll just see if anything comes up now.  It's kinda late, and I'm kinda tired, but i don't feel like going to sleep.  it's been an uneventful afternoon/evening.  The morning was fast and hectic, then I came home to relax and read a book.  It actually poured rain, and I read on some pillows by our wide open door so I could see and hear the storm.  We don't get storms very often here, and it was really nice.  I love natural phenomenons.  But then I got restless.  I wanted to do something interesting, productive, or memorable.  I think I've had a little bit of an empty spot since I didn't do anything for Halloween.  It's such a fun interesting holiday, and I love making an intricate costume, and showing it off, along with developing the skills and character to suit the outfit...but I didn't have any plans, and didn't bother to make a costume.  I wanted to spend time with friends, and go to a cornfield maze or haunted house.  Or a big hollywood party with important producers or something.  My roommates wanted me to go party with them, and I was invited to another party, but I'm so not into the idea of drinking/partying.  Plus candy still freaks me out.  I could have put more effort into making plans that I would have liked, but sometimes I just don't have the motivation to act.  That frustrates me a lot.  I guess I have to keep in mind that recovery is a slow process, and I'm rising from a pretty serious low.  I've come a long way, but I can't expect to be able to do everything immediately.  So many gifts of recovery have come back to me so quickly, that I can hardly complain about missing a little halloween fun.  there will be other halloweens.  I do wish I would get out and socialize more.  It just seems like so much trouble getting anywhere, and if I stay home, I have all of my stuff.  I hate transportation- having to go somewhere, and then I hate bringing things.  I hate having to carry things, so I bring just the bare essentials, which means I always forget something, and wish I'd brought it.  Then I have to go home.  And most of the time, if I go anywhere, I keep to myself anyway.  It's just so much easier to stay home.  But is it worth the hole its creating in me?  I don't know.  I need to get a car.  But I can't now.  I can't afford anything.  In fact, I bought groceries on credit this week, and don't have enough money in my account to pay it off.  I will actually have a check coming in next week that will cover it, but how long will that last?  Another week or 2?  I'm actually working another day next week, but Man!  Finances are tight!  I am praying about it...for the perception/awareness/consciousness to see what I need to do, and the willingness to do it...trust in God's plan for me, and carry it out in whatever way I need to.  I do trust.  I'm not worrying about it too much, but I totally have no idea how it's going to work out.  Maybe I'll get a big job next week, or maybe I'll finally get a chance to build a secret tree fort and live off of the land, practicing my ninja skills.  Either way, I'll keep a positive attitude, and practice loving life.  It's cool.  Or maybe I just have to be humble enough to ask my momma for help.  She works so hard, though.  She has a lot on her plate.  I'll just pray that if there's some specific action I need to take, that I'm suddenly struck with the inspiration to do it...whatever it is.

I feel like eating again.  Technically, I can if I want, according to my food plan.  I don't think i'm really hungary.  If I'm going to sleep now, there's no need to eat, but if I'm gonna stay up much later, I will need to eat again.  Most of my meals today have felt weird.  From the moment I finish the last meal, I crave the next one, but when it comes time for that next one, I realize that nothing will satisfy.  I end up choosing whatever is easy/convenient/appropriate.  The prepackage with the earliest expiration date.  I get little or no enjoyment from it, yet crave the next meal as if that will fix it.  I guess that means...I'm a compulsive eater!  duh.  I don't know what it's about....just that uncomfortableness with being at home and having a lazy day.  They're necessary sometimes, but they're so freakin' uncomfortable.  I do hate them.  I just don't feel like I got anything done today.  It frustrates me.  you know?  Time never stops.  I hate to waste it.  and I know...I didn't.  I did exactly what I was supposed to do bla bla bla...i dunno.  Now that it's time for bed, I guess i got into this kind of 'cram' state of mind, where I feel like i have to scramble to do something worthwhile before I go to sleep.  I did a few pages in my directory, and then looked up a video on how to speed read on youtube.  I did 2 different training exercises, and then learned about photoreading, and tried to photo read a whole book.  lol.  I guess that's pretty funny.  I have no idea what i'm doing tomorrow.  I have a million different options, but i feel like they all require help from friends, and I can't seem to coordinate it all.  I dunno.  we'll see what happens.  I think i'm done writing for now.  I might read a little more.

Progress

Last night I cried spontaneously, for no apparent reason.  It was like...drug addiction or withdrawl or something.  I had one of my first really hard intense workout in a long time, and got a taste of that adrenaline.  It triggered the addiction, and when I stopped, I started shaking and crying.  It was weird.

Today, I was tired, so after training, I went home, hopped the fence of my little pool courtyard, and took a nap in the sun.  I didn't stress about it.  I didn't beat myself up for it.  I did nothing, and then read a little of my book, and enjoyed it.

Compulsive overeater

When I went into treatment, I was not happy to hear about the "success" people were having with trying new foods.  Desserts, sauces, and rich dishes which had been forbidden for years were no longer a cause for stress.  This horrified me.  I had lots of forbidden foods because they were BAD!!!  I was terrified of them, and I wanted those foods to die a miserable, tortured death, and never bother me again.  I was in recovery to avoid those foods, not to learn to be OK with eating them.  They weren't OK!

And as I've grown in the program, I've seen how damaging it can be to have such an unhealthy fear of something as simple as food.  When I allowed myself to eat bread, it took the power away from it, and I lost interest in bread.  I eat it sometimes, but not all that frequently.  I've been practicing not beating myself up for imperfect food choices, and protecting my right to choose the foods I want...

But as usual, ED has found a way to take advantage of this.  I'm realizing again how much I am a compulsive overeater.  I choose a food that I know I tend to eat compulsively, and insist that it's OK, because it fits into my food plan.  I then think better of it, because I know how compulsive it is, and that it's not all that healthy, but then ED snaps back with you want this!  If you deprive yourself of it, that's such eating disorder behavior!  If you want to recover, you pretty much have to eat this.  Go ahead.  Enjoy it.  And I've been listening.  I've found that I stopped eating to nourish my body.  That generally happens as a side effect, because I have a great food plan, but my intention each time I eat is to control or satisfy my cravings.  If you don't eat exactly what you want, you're going to have an out of control binge later.  or If you don't put enough on your plate, you'll be tempted to go for seconds, and break your food plan.  Better make sure there's enough on that plate before you start.  But don't force yourself to stop eating before the plate's empty.  Just because your full, doesn't mean you have to be deprived of the rest of your meal.  It's not that much more anyway.  It would be obsessive to force yourself to leave just 3 bites.  Go ahead and finish it.  It's all crap.  I think I just have to look at my eating behavior more as a compulsive eater than an anorexic, because that's been the consistent tendency throughout my life.  My foodplan prevents either from spiraling out of control, but the compulsive eating is the one that must be dealt with now.

I feel really uncomfortable, and I know that's OK, but it's well....uncomfortable.  I'm exhausted.  I've been too tired to get ready for bed for 4.5 hours now, and have had 2 meals since then.  And I have to be honest.  the second one came a little too soon after the first, and they were both a little compulsive.  I don't know what I'm trying to hide from...fear of new experiences and of same old routine; fear of overexcitement and of boredom...it sounds like i'm having fear about either extreme, but am uncomfortable being in the middle.  I'd rather be afraid and excited on an extreme than bored and uncomfortable in the middle, but the middle is what I'm seeking - balance.  As much as I know it's good and necessary for me, I don't like it.  I think i like the results that are produced by balance ... maybe? but i'm not sure.  it all sounds so medium and average.  I'm just too tired to think right now.  maybe i'll actually go to sleep now.  i sure need it.

rational though...what!?

so i just had the most absurdly, uncharacteristic, rational thought...I was craving something to eat.  I was imagining all the possibilities for my next meal.  I had been fantasizing about it since I finished eating my last meal.  It was almost time finally, but nothing seemed like enough.  If I planned out the perfect meal, then I would come up with something entirely different that I simply had to have that wasn't any better...just different.  but then I would feel deprived of the first idea...I knew I could manage choosing one, eating it, and stopping, but would I really even enjoy it?  I realized that I would spend the entire meal fretting about how I would feel when I'd taken the last bite, and had nothing left.  I wouldn't enjoy any of the bites in between.  what could I do?  "Maybe if I write for a little while before my meal, I'll be less compulsive, make a healthier choice, and enjoy each moment of it more anyway."  Wow!  where did I get that!?  I don't know, but I'm doing it.  I had wanted to eat in front of the movie that just came on netflix: "the 5 people you meet in heaven".  I was gonna zone out, and not be present for any of the meal.  I think I want some time to zone out, but it will be more satisfying if I'm not eating while I'm doing it.  I can't decide if I want to eat in front of the movie or not.  I really have a problem with eating while doing nothing.  I always want to have something else going on...checking e-mail, talking to people, reading, or of course watching tv.  I've actually been doing good with that during breakfast.  I do pretty much nothing while i eat breakfast.  I say my mealtime prayer...and pay attention to my fullness.  I don't do that with my other meals.  I load my plate, and eat until it's gone.  It's always a fairly reasonable portion size, but it's certainly not mindful eating.  I really don't want to do that for dinner!...i mean i do.  I don't want to have to stay conscious while i'm eating!  but hmmm...i guess it's a tradeoff...I can tune into my body, shut out the distractions, and actually enjoy my meal, or I can put my mind elsewhere, disconnect, and miss out on the enjoyment of eating.  I don't think I ever really made the connection between the enjoyment of a meal, and being present and conscious for it.  That's probably because what I was craving was not the food- it was the time to check out and disconnect.  Perhaps if I promise myself time to check out in front of the movie with some nice bottled water or hot tea, I can be present for my meal...I do want to do that...but I still want to have some distraction in front of me.  I just feel like eating without multi-tasking is such a waste of time.  or is that just an excuse?  I can't quite wrap my mind around it yet.  But if I actually do this- if I sit down in the stillness, and eat my dinner, this will be the hugest example of contrary action know to me. 

 I don't want to do it.  Now that i've considered it, eating without the movie in front of me...just being there with me and the food...sucks all of the fun out of it.  I still get credit for contrary action just for writing before my meal, right?  Maybe I could make my dinner, bring it outside, and have the first few bites out there.  then if it's not satisfying, I can bring it inside and watch the movie while I finish it.  I'll even get the movie started and paused right at the beginning so that all i have to do is come in and sit down.  I think i can do this.  I want to take a few minutes to pray for the willingness, or something, then I'll go prep my meal.