Progress

Last night I cried spontaneously, for no apparent reason.  It was like...drug addiction or withdrawl or something.  I had one of my first really hard intense workout in a long time, and got a taste of that adrenaline.  It triggered the addiction, and when I stopped, I started shaking and crying.  It was weird.

Today, I was tired, so after training, I went home, hopped the fence of my little pool courtyard, and took a nap in the sun.  I didn't stress about it.  I didn't beat myself up for it.  I did nothing, and then read a little of my book, and enjoyed it.

Compulsive overeater

When I went into treatment, I was not happy to hear about the "success" people were having with trying new foods.  Desserts, sauces, and rich dishes which had been forbidden for years were no longer a cause for stress.  This horrified me.  I had lots of forbidden foods because they were BAD!!!  I was terrified of them, and I wanted those foods to die a miserable, tortured death, and never bother me again.  I was in recovery to avoid those foods, not to learn to be OK with eating them.  They weren't OK!

And as I've grown in the program, I've seen how damaging it can be to have such an unhealthy fear of something as simple as food.  When I allowed myself to eat bread, it took the power away from it, and I lost interest in bread.  I eat it sometimes, but not all that frequently.  I've been practicing not beating myself up for imperfect food choices, and protecting my right to choose the foods I want...

But as usual, ED has found a way to take advantage of this.  I'm realizing again how much I am a compulsive overeater.  I choose a food that I know I tend to eat compulsively, and insist that it's OK, because it fits into my food plan.  I then think better of it, because I know how compulsive it is, and that it's not all that healthy, but then ED snaps back with you want this!  If you deprive yourself of it, that's such eating disorder behavior!  If you want to recover, you pretty much have to eat this.  Go ahead.  Enjoy it.  And I've been listening.  I've found that I stopped eating to nourish my body.  That generally happens as a side effect, because I have a great food plan, but my intention each time I eat is to control or satisfy my cravings.  If you don't eat exactly what you want, you're going to have an out of control binge later.  or If you don't put enough on your plate, you'll be tempted to go for seconds, and break your food plan.  Better make sure there's enough on that plate before you start.  But don't force yourself to stop eating before the plate's empty.  Just because your full, doesn't mean you have to be deprived of the rest of your meal.  It's not that much more anyway.  It would be obsessive to force yourself to leave just 3 bites.  Go ahead and finish it.  It's all crap.  I think I just have to look at my eating behavior more as a compulsive eater than an anorexic, because that's been the consistent tendency throughout my life.  My foodplan prevents either from spiraling out of control, but the compulsive eating is the one that must be dealt with now.

I feel really uncomfortable, and I know that's OK, but it's well....uncomfortable.  I'm exhausted.  I've been too tired to get ready for bed for 4.5 hours now, and have had 2 meals since then.  And I have to be honest.  the second one came a little too soon after the first, and they were both a little compulsive.  I don't know what I'm trying to hide from...fear of new experiences and of same old routine; fear of overexcitement and of boredom...it sounds like i'm having fear about either extreme, but am uncomfortable being in the middle.  I'd rather be afraid and excited on an extreme than bored and uncomfortable in the middle, but the middle is what I'm seeking - balance.  As much as I know it's good and necessary for me, I don't like it.  I think i like the results that are produced by balance ... maybe? but i'm not sure.  it all sounds so medium and average.  I'm just too tired to think right now.  maybe i'll actually go to sleep now.  i sure need it.

rational though...what!?

so i just had the most absurdly, uncharacteristic, rational thought...I was craving something to eat.  I was imagining all the possibilities for my next meal.  I had been fantasizing about it since I finished eating my last meal.  It was almost time finally, but nothing seemed like enough.  If I planned out the perfect meal, then I would come up with something entirely different that I simply had to have that wasn't any better...just different.  but then I would feel deprived of the first idea...I knew I could manage choosing one, eating it, and stopping, but would I really even enjoy it?  I realized that I would spend the entire meal fretting about how I would feel when I'd taken the last bite, and had nothing left.  I wouldn't enjoy any of the bites in between.  what could I do?  "Maybe if I write for a little while before my meal, I'll be less compulsive, make a healthier choice, and enjoy each moment of it more anyway."  Wow!  where did I get that!?  I don't know, but I'm doing it.  I had wanted to eat in front of the movie that just came on netflix: "the 5 people you meet in heaven".  I was gonna zone out, and not be present for any of the meal.  I think I want some time to zone out, but it will be more satisfying if I'm not eating while I'm doing it.  I can't decide if I want to eat in front of the movie or not.  I really have a problem with eating while doing nothing.  I always want to have something else going on...checking e-mail, talking to people, reading, or of course watching tv.  I've actually been doing good with that during breakfast.  I do pretty much nothing while i eat breakfast.  I say my mealtime prayer...and pay attention to my fullness.  I don't do that with my other meals.  I load my plate, and eat until it's gone.  It's always a fairly reasonable portion size, but it's certainly not mindful eating.  I really don't want to do that for dinner!...i mean i do.  I don't want to have to stay conscious while i'm eating!  but hmmm...i guess it's a tradeoff...I can tune into my body, shut out the distractions, and actually enjoy my meal, or I can put my mind elsewhere, disconnect, and miss out on the enjoyment of eating.  I don't think I ever really made the connection between the enjoyment of a meal, and being present and conscious for it.  That's probably because what I was craving was not the food- it was the time to check out and disconnect.  Perhaps if I promise myself time to check out in front of the movie with some nice bottled water or hot tea, I can be present for my meal...I do want to do that...but I still want to have some distraction in front of me.  I just feel like eating without multi-tasking is such a waste of time.  or is that just an excuse?  I can't quite wrap my mind around it yet.  But if I actually do this- if I sit down in the stillness, and eat my dinner, this will be the hugest example of contrary action know to me. 

 I don't want to do it.  Now that i've considered it, eating without the movie in front of me...just being there with me and the food...sucks all of the fun out of it.  I still get credit for contrary action just for writing before my meal, right?  Maybe I could make my dinner, bring it outside, and have the first few bites out there.  then if it's not satisfying, I can bring it inside and watch the movie while I finish it.  I'll even get the movie started and paused right at the beginning so that all i have to do is come in and sit down.  I think i can do this.  I want to take a few minutes to pray for the willingness, or something, then I'll go prep my meal.

to weigh...or not to weigh

I'm so tired.  But I had a little run-in today that I should touch on really quickly.  I ate a salad at 3 pm, and meant to have dinner at 6, but only had time for a few sips of a protein drink.  thought I'd have something on the way to this formal event, but was running late.  Figured i'd eat when i got there, but there was no food.  On my way home at 11pm (yes that's 8 hrs without eating) I realized that now would be the perfect time to weigh myself.  I never go this long without eating!  i probably weigh way less than usual now!  I haven't weighed myself since July, and that's a good thing, but on that ride home, I went through all the possible reasons that I needed to weigh myself.  I have lots of good reasons, but I considered the possibilities.

a. I weigh less than I expected, and use that to validate myself

b. I weigh what I expect, which makes me average to OK

c. I weigh more than I would have guessed, and wonder how I can work so hard and still fail at life

In all three cases, I gain a reference point for judging myself, and become more inclined to measure and attempt to control my body.  In all three cases, I have shifted the focus where it shouldn't be, and have surrendered to ED rather than God.

I didn't weigh myself.  I don't know how much I weigh.  I feel really thick and a little pudgy right now, but I don't know how much of that is just the distorted filter that sometimes falls over my eyes.  

Grattitude

I have that bubbling full, boiling over with happiness feeling right now -  that feeling you can only get from true human connection.  I love my roommates, and I love my friends.  I love when you risk something...put yourself out there, and get back nothing but love.  When you put an arm around a friend, and get a hug back.  When you ask for help getting to a meeting, and get a ride.  When you put your feelings out there, and get love and warmth right back.  Today had its ups and downs, but I feel so alive and fulfilled right now.  Everything passes in its time, but right now, I can enjoy this moment, and really, that's the only thing that matters.

I'm also grateful for:

my new phone

my new phone service

my free dinner

puppies

red

kung fu

trees

hot sunny days

stars

my sheets

my bed

OA

Nature

star wars

acting class

my computer

opposable thumbs

mountains

my mom

halloween

sleep overs

cottage cheese

God

my sponsor...I need to call her!

my blog

my check list

and the miracle that for 4 weeks, i have stayed off of my right leg!!! and that I'm willing to take even longer if that's what my body needs.  seriously!  I care that much about my health!

I don't know what I need to write, but I think I need to.  I am feeling a little overwhelmed.  I have a ton of errand type things to do.  changing phone plans, checking health insurance, dentist, apts, and my new agent just gave me a ton of homework.  I was frustrated in class today.  I don't mind being injured that much when I'm given other things to do.  When I get my own little assignments, so that I feel like I'm still making progress, but today, they all did things that i really can't safely do.  I mean, I could, and I wanted to, but I can't seem to do anything halfway, so I ended up going a little too far, and had to just stop all together before I actually did damage.  

I know what i'm self conscious and upset about now.  I didn't stick to my food plan today.  I feel like I overate at 2 meals today.  Nothing serious, and I may have actually needed that much food.  I'm not sure, but instead of setting it out on a plate, I decided to eat one thing for lunch, but snacked on another while I was preparing the meal.  the snack turned into something large enough to qualify for a meal in and of itself, and then I ate the planned meal anyway.  I brushed it off and didn't worry about it.  Tonight, however, I planned on having my fruit and cottage cheese mixture for dinner, but changed my mind, and had a leftover salmon and veggi omlette "instead".  I left myself the option to have a little something else if I wasn't satisfied after the omlette, which already violates the food plan.  In order to protect myself from eating compulsively, I place everything I plan on eating in front of me before I begin.  I don't have to finish it, but if i want the option to eat it, it has to be out, measured, and on the plate before I begin.  but it wasn't.  I left it wide open, and after the omlett, I though I might be physically satisfied.  I wasn't sure, but I was sure that i wanted something more, and that I had said I could have something else.  So I made a big bowl of the cottage cheese mixture.  It was compulsive, and that was 2 double meals in one day.  I'm not beating myself up about it, but I did say a prayer before bed for the willingness and ability to return to the safety of the food plan.  Maybe it's good that I'm getting the confidence to attempt independence from the food plan and more reliance on intuitive eating, but I think i got ahead of myself, and that's dangerous.  I don't think I'm quite ready, but I learned from the experience, and 2 semi-large meals are not going to make me fat.  I don't know how to spell omlate. what the heck.

i'm still feeling a little disconnected too.  I want stronger more consistent ties to my friends and mentors.  I want to be more present and connected to people I love.  I'm feeling that spiritual hole.  Maybe that's why i was eating kinda crazy today.  I guess that means I pray more, right?  eh-  ok.  I'll try it.