Affirmations: Reprogramming my Head

What ED says:

What I say.

you're fat.  

I am a beautiful creature of God - a piece in his miraculous puzzle - I look exactly the way he wants me to look right now.  Who are you to criticize God's work? The shape and size of my body are none of my business.  If I provide God with the tools he needs (proper nourishment and regular exercise), he will mold my body to its best form in his time.  It is not up to me to control that.  My only job is to provide the materials, take care of my body, stay connected to God, and let go of the results.

you're lazy.

I am so determined to excell, that I am willing to tune into the needs of my body.  I am resting so that I can be maximally efficient, strong, energetic, and productive when I return to activity.

you're retarded.

Awww!  How cute!  A new flaw.   I'm so funny.  These cute little personality quirks are what make me uniquely me- a fun, interesting, lovable person.  We are loved for our weaknesses, not our strengths.  This only makes me more able to relate to more people! 

You have so much potential.  How did you mess it up so horribly?

I am exactly what I'm supposed to be in this time in this place.  All of my experiences teach me something that is an important part of my journey.  What makes me think I have the power to screw up God's plan?  I am here for a reason.  The sooner I accept it and move on, the more receptive I am to the lessons I must learn to reach that full potential that I was made for.

I am now, and have always been moving in the right direction.  By connecting with God's will, I am now enacting even more progress.

you blew it.

Wow.  God is leading me in a totally different direction than I ever would have expected.  Stay open and aware to perceive a new unexpected opportunity!

You don't care enough.

I am doing the best I can, and I care enough.  I am dealing with what is most important - taking care of myself - first, so that I can pursue my goals with maximum strength, energy, efficiency, and passion.

It's OK that something has drawn my attention away from many of the things I care about.  Having felt my feelings, I am stronger, more focused, and more energetic.

I take up too much space.

The love, energy, and inspiration that I contribute to the world with my presence is worth far more space than what I actually take up, and I deserve every inch that I occupy!

You suck.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be - on a never ending journey of exploration and enlightenment.  This is just a part of my trip on the way to something great.

You can't be trusted.

I am making the choice to put strong conscious effort into enhancing my integrity, which demonstrates that I do in fact value trustworthiness.

You are slow.

I am so amazingly good, skilled, and successful already.  Now I get to work on SPEED, and as I practice this, everything I do will get even better.

You need to figure this out.

Enjoy the mystery.  God has a plan.  Accept it as it is.  I am not in charge.  I don't have to know.

You're slacking off.

Some other area of my life has been occupying my attention, and I dealt with what was most important.  Now, I choose to redirect my focus to align it with nature, and move forward with gusto!  May miracles occur through me.

You're selfish.

Thank you for putting on your own oxygen mask first.  Now you are better able to help your neighbor.  so GO PAY IT FORWARD!  try taking a random act of kindness.

You don't need rest.

Right now I have a lot of energy and enthusiasm.  Once I exert it, I give my body time to recover.

I'm lazy.

Go hard or go home.  Both are admirable productive choices.  Sometimes, the most productive thing I can do for my body is REST!!!  Now might be a good time to practice some hard core relaxing.  are you up for the challenge?

That is soooo wrong!

Things are what they are.  Live in accepdance: Life on life's terms.  It's not my job to judge.

Someday, I'll be good.

I am exactly where I need to be right now: on a never ending journey of growth and progress.  How exciting!!!

I'm irresponsible.

Slow down!  Take a minute to connect with your Higher Power, and process.  Make a list if you need to.  What is urgent?  What is important?

I need to be super human

I am inspired to be an EXCEPTIONAL Human Being!

I have to fix this.

God's got it covered.  I do my part, tell my truth, and let go of the results.  They're not mine to control.

I can't think.

Slow down.  Get centered.  Hand it over to God for a few minutes.

So I think I'm just uncomfortable with things being normal.  If every day doesn't end spectacularly, I feel off kilter.  I have a hard time going to bed without a happy ending to close out the day.  I don't really know how else to explain it.  Sometimes I feel like I have to say up until I get that comforting sense of closure to the day.  But I don't like just waiting around for it.  I either have to do something to make it happen, or check out in some way.  I guess that's why I used to do a lot of bingeing in the evenings.  It's why I've been feeling like eating since I got home this afternoon and knew we had no more activities planned for the day.  It's not a disaster.  It's not a drama, but being aware of it is kinda a big deal.  Tonight, I'm going to practice not having to force a perfect ending to the day.  I can't really make them happen anyway, and tonight, I don't have to beat myself up for that.  but I think i'd like a hug.  i'm gonna go hug my mom...right after I play a prank on my step dad.  he's snoring.  it must be done.  : )

Step 2

So I was insane, and I had already tried every human power to control it, and was out of ideas.  But I always knew there was a way to get back to sanity.  I had to try everything in my own power first to understand that I couldn't do it by myself.  And no person could be relied upon to always be there to keep me inline.  It had to be a power greater than me.  I was so down and out that I was willing to accept any solution that would actually work, no matter how far fetched.  

I was already pretty open to the idea of a higher power.  I just had no idea how to define it or connect with it. I could definitely feel it in nature: swimming in the ocean or sitting on a rock while the waves crashed up around me; sitting in a treetop where I could look over an entire forrest of trees just like the one I was in; riding my motorcycle through the mountains and looking down at a sea of clouds...It's all so beautiful and amazing, it makes me proud to be a tiny part of it: one little piece of a giant puzzle.  When I think of the world in terms of people, I get competitive, and want to know that I'm better and I stand out.  People can seem so petty and materialistic, but when I am surrounded by nature, and animals who live with no inhibitions or self consciousness- completely in the moment always, it seems like a cool thing to be a part of, and I don't mind being one of many on an equal playing field.  

I started learning to keep my eyes and ears open, praying and looking for answers, and I began to see them.  I told myself to accept the idea that God would take care of my problems with food and body if I just let go...and I began to accept it.  I would do little tests, like going to bed without setting an alarm..."If I'm supposed to go to the 7:30 am OA meeting, then God will make sure it happens, right?"  I thought it was a sure-fire way to sleep in and prove that God didn't care if I went to meetings, but somehow, I'd wake up after 4 hrs of sleep, and be unable to drift off again.  It seemed as if God would help me with this. (see other examples in comments to this post)

I still forget sometimes, but I'm getting better at it.  Hearing stories from other girls at meetings- especially when J shared at my first costa mesa meeting- gave me an insight into what this was really about- learning to live and love.  It helped to explain why human connection is a worthwhile thing, and how even if it did nothing for my eating-even if it made me fat, it was something that I needed in my life.

One of my big sticking points was what I wanted in a higher power.  The thing I wanted most was to be the favorite-the most important.  I wanted a God that loved me more than anyone else, and I wanted to know how to make God love me more.  Maybe if everyone has their own personal higher powers, then mine loves me most, but then who's higher power is the best?  if mine loves me most, but isn't the best, then who cares?  It drove me in circles.  Climbing trees and watching squirrels helped with that.  But I was also bothered by the idea of unconditional love.  If it was unconditional, then where was the incentive to be good?  If I'm loved- good or bad, then I do nothing to earn it.  It seemed worthless.  Love that is thrown around so freely and offered up to any criminal is hardly worth having.  I wanted to have to be good...better...exceptional in order to earn God's love.  I wanted to be able to control how much he loved me by working hard to be better.  It's funny-it made so much sense before, and while I still understand it, it seems a little silly now, and beside the point.  God loves me for who I am, not what I do.  What I do may be an external representation of who I am, but the core spirit and personality of me is there regardless.  And that's what he loves.  Nothing I do will change who I am- it only changes the outer appearance of who I am.  As I grow in the program, my outer appearance and actions will become more and more consistent with who I really am inside, which never changes how much God loves me, because he could see the real me all along!  Wow.  this is making more and more sense!  By accepting that there is such a power who really loves me for my true honest innermost self, I begin to trust that part of me, and become more willing to share it.  By trusting my higher power, I can stop trying to control how God feels about me, and how I appear to everyone else, and start working on how to make my life and actions true to my self.  This is so cool!

I got exactly what I asked for!

So the theme of the week was telling my truth, then letting go.  It was hard, but I had help.  I played a game of questions with my...boyfriend?... right...well we'll call him that.  But I asked the questions I was afraid to ask, and allowed my true emotional reactions to show.  I fumbled clumsily through my answers to his questions until I had answered them honestly and thoroughly, and he waited patiently for me to get everything out.  If I thought i didn't know, I knew that I was supressing it, and I would dig for it, find it, blush, get scared, think about how to say it perfectly, call myself out for being in my head, and just speak my thoughts out loud.  I gradually got more coherent.  It was the best night we had together.  I wanted to know why he liked me.  Am I more than just a body to him?  I got my answer, and I liked it.  I learned a lot about him, and feel much more connected and free.  He asked what I would change about him, which was terrifying.  I immediately blocked it, and it took me almost a half hour to dig it back out, but when I said it, it sounded easy.  He was pleasantly surprised, and made the change instantaneously.  It was really cool.  When I faced my fears and asked for what I wanted, I got it.  It feels really good, and I like him soooooooo much more now!  It's so cool.

mmmm Humble Pie!

i frequently get annoyed with some of the other students in some of my classes because I learn a lot of the techniques so much faster than they do.  I have a lot of experience in choreography and different styles, so it just clicks in my brain and body faster than other beginners.  There is one particular beginner who drives me nuts.  He's got a huge ego, and doesn't seem aware of how clumsy and uncoordinated he is.  Today, I got paired up with him to do some partner work, and I had nothing on him!  Seriously...I tripped on his leg twice.  i know the techniques forwards and backwards when I'm doing them alone, but their meant to be done with a partner.  He may not know the techniques as well as I do, but he had a better sense of how to work with a partner, and that is a vitally important skill- more important than any of the techniques.  It was a nice reminder that everyone has their thing-their specialty or skill.  I can't just go around writing people off.

Good Day!

I am so excited about my new friend!  It was amazing when I first connected with people in OA, and found a whole support group of people who thought just like me.  It was a relief and a comfort to be with people who shared so much in common with me, but there was always a missing piece.  I have a kinda unusual job that is tightly woven with my body and image, and I hadn't really found anyone in program who could relate to that.  Today, I found one!  She's close to my age, in a similar line of work, she began her recovery about 2 months after me, and we're practically neighbors!  I'm just so grateful!  especially since it's been hard finding people in program close to my age who live anywhere near me.  This is just everything I'd been praying for!  I guess that's how it works isn't it?  God is so cool.  

What else...

I took like...an hour and a half detour on a really cool twisty turney back road through the mountains today.  I was running late, and took this road as a short cut, drove almost 40 miles, and found out that the road was closed, and the only way to get where I was going was to go all of the way back the way I came, and return to my usual route.  Instead of being 15 minutes late, I would now be at least 1 hour and 45 minutes late.  Did I stress about it?  well...yes.  but only for like 2-5 minutes!  I called my friend to let him know, and then enjoyed the ride.  I couldn't have done that before recovery.  I also had time to think about my upcoming appointment.  It was a photoshoot...the first one I've done since I started my abstinence.  I knew I needed the pictures, and that I was in relatively good shape, but I really felt like I needed to stop eating for at least a day prior to the shots or at the very least take a massive overdose of fiber to help empty out my stomach.  You can't take pictures with anything in your stomach, right?  My thinking was so disordered on this topic.  I totally would have done it if it wasn't clearly defined in my abstinence.  I was stressing out about getting these pictures without engaging in any of that sort of behavior.  I wanted to put them off til I was skinnier or something, but I needed them now!  On my long detour, while I was working on accepting things as they are, I realized that the stuff we were going to be doing in the photo shoot was going to be really fun...REALLY fun!  I was so worried about my stomach, that I forgot how cool it was going to be.  I decided to let go.  There was nothing I could do about my stomach.  It was probably fine anyway.  I could just focus on enjoying the day.  And I did.  I was pretty present.  Pretty exciting that I could do that.

Gratitude

I just scrolled through my text messages on my phone, and saw sooo many loving messages from my friends, and they're all from the past 3 days!  I'm just really grateful to have so many real true friends who care about me, and to be able to recognize that and have real connections with them.  Today I did a lot of living, and spent a good portion of the time actually being present.  I had the daily reprieve, and felt kinda centered.  It's weird to have felt sooo awful for no particular reason monday night/tuesday morning, and even though nothing has changed since then, to be totally at peace and happy today (wednesday).  

Compulsive thoughts: The Red Herring

I didn't want to eat my 2nd meal today.  I knew I had to do it according to my food plan, and I didn't fight it, but I knew that one bite would be too much, and the whole fridge would never be enough.  I could just feel it.  I would have liked to just not eat to avoid the drama, but these are the situations we have food plans for.  When our heads are crazy, and we can't make that connection to our higher powers, we rely on the food plan to tell us what to do.  and it did.  I had my measured serving, and wanted more, but I stopped...cuz that's what the plan says to do.  I kinda wanted to purge.  Obviously not an option.  I could read an OA book on the treadmill...no.  I'm exhausted, and that sounds kinda compulsive.  Laxatives sounded really promising.  So did diet pills...but no...the cleansing herbal tea felt like it would be a really good solution.  Those all violate my abstinence though.  On my way to my computer, I kept catching glimpses of my reflection in the mirror.  I was intensely aware of rolls in my stomach, and was strongly compelled to look and see if they were there...to pick out all my good qualities, and weigh them against the bad.  See how I measured up.  What can be fixed.  It occurred to me that stepping on the scale would fix everything.  How silly!  It would be so easy to get caught up in all of this if I wasn't just reading about it last night and this morning.  About how the obsession with food and weight is just a smoke screen that we can latch onto to avoid facing the more difficult.  No matter how much it sucks to be preoccupied with weight, it always has a simple solution: lose weight.  The stuff I'm struggling with now...there's nothing to do about it.  I just have to accept it and how I feel about it.  There is no action to take, except maybe to write about it.  I'm gonna go do that with my sponsor.

Quick Confession

I took one fat burning supplement this morning.  It seemed like a really good rational idea, but even in the moment, I knew that I shouldn't, and that it was my disease telling me to do it.  I chose to do it anyway.  I wonder if maybe there should be something in my abstinence that addresses diet pills.  lol.  I don't want there to be...you know...just in case ; )  That's probably something that I really need to examine.  but there it is!  I'm being honest and accountable.  I took a diet pill today.

Communication in Relationships

There are so many things I'm not comfortable talking about for so many reasons.  I used to live in denial of their relevance or importance.  In my last post, I identified thoughts and feelings and how they were impacting my recovery when they were neglected.  Last night I took another step forward and attempted to express them.  I wanted to practice speaking from the heart in the moment, so I didn't use the letter I'd written.  Instead, I compressed it into about 3 shaky half coherent sentences, and then fumbled trying to explain.  It was kinda funny.  I was really scared!  I'm not sure why, since I recognized that there's no real pressure.  I know that I don't control the results.  All that really matters is that I tell my whole truth-what I want and need and what's making me nervous or uncomfortable.  I thought if I just put it out there, everything would fall into place.  He would say "oh---you want a real relationship where I know you and appreciate you for who you are..." and either 

a.) "that's awesome!  let's talk and get to know each other better."  

or 

b.) "I really don't care about any of that.  I just wanted you for your body."  in which case I'd be out, and not have to worry about it anymore.  Either way, I thought it would be done and settled...out of my hands.  The truth is, what I get is a lot of practice continuing to try to express myself.  I clumsily put it out there, and he nodded interestedly, but gave no input.  I hadn't realized that I wanted answers.  I had phrased the whole mess as an expression, but what I really wanted was to know how he felt about me-why he liked me.  It is after all what I'm trying to find within myself- who I am as a person.  That night we played games and did some creative thinking rather than checking out and watching movies, and later, we talked a little more.  In the past, I've been with people who volunteer tons of personal information, and drag the same out of me.  I always liked it because I was afraid to ask, and afraid to volunteer the info on my own.  It's so good for me to have to muddle through it right now.  This is exactly what I need to be learning to do, and even though he doesn't make it easy, is at lease receptive and cooperative.  So I tried again later, rephrasing what I had said, and asking for his thoughts.  He didn't know what to say, so I tried asking questions.  That's almost harder than just talking!  It reveals so much about my insecurities, desires, and vulnerabilities to ask how he feels about me.  I have to ask him to take a risk by searching for and revealing the answer, so I feel like I'm imposing and being needy.  And I have to be prepared to hear and internalize the answer!  Part of the reason I used to be so scared of that was because I felt responsible for their reaction.  If I asked him a question, and he answered, and I didn't like the answer, I had to make him think that I did like the answer so he didn't feel bad, but take care of myself at the same time.  Of course I was scared!  Once I accepted that my reaction is best left in its own natural form unaltered by my interpretation of what he wants it to be, I was more willing to be open and search for what I really wanted to know...OK...well, I am now ; )  It's going to be a really long process of learning how to do this, but it kinda feels like now is a good time to start practicing.  Right now, I'm so willing to push myself to take new emotional risks, open up, connect with people, and try new things.  It is really scary, and I like that.

Dating in Recovery

I've often heard that it's not a good idea to date early in recovery.  Most would advise against it at all in the first year, and I'm just short of 4 months.  This is such a confusing, turbulent time, that I would generally agree.  Dating right now would be pretty dangerous for me.  In my first month, my dearest core values were challenged and proven wrong by people who care about me.  My highest priorities were proven unimportant, my oldest routines and ideas were proven wrong and harmful...my most elementary and foundational beliefs and values were uprooted, leaving everything I know and believe up for debate.  I used to think I knew exactly where I stood on a lot of things, but having my "core, inalienable truths" invalidated puts everything on shaky ground.  I feel so impressionable-like I can't trust anything I know, and I just want to latch onto someone who can give me all of the answers...well not so much anymore, but sometimes.  And that's not a really good state of mind to be dating in.  you know?  Especially since the last pseudo relationship I was in involved a guy who liked to tell me who I was, what to do, and generally mold me to his satisfaction.  My only defense was absolute certainty of what I knew to be right and wrong.  But now I've learned that there are more important things than having the perfect body, or the best, hardest skills, or working the hardest at your job.  Things like a Higher Power, and real human connections blow that stuff away...at least I'm beginning to accept that.  But it's a hard transition to make such a radical change in my mind, and I was so sure that working the hardest was the most important thing.  Will I sacrifice dignity or morals?  Probably not, but I do feel a lot less sure of myself.  I guess I just realize how much work I have to do finding out who I am.  I need to make it my top priority to figure that out ...

That's exactly what I thought when he asked me out a month ago...only I accidentally said yes.  Weird, huh?  But saying yes was contrary action for me.  Like I said: I thought working hard and achieving tangible things were the most important things in the world.  I would spend 8 hours/day in the gym, and refuse to sacrifice a minute of training or sleep for social interaction of any kind.  For me, a big part of recovery is learning to connect with people and not isolate.  I figured we'd go on a casual date, and that would be it, but we had so much in common and connected on so many levels...it felt like forcing him away would have been very controlling and anti-recovery.  This was a good opportunity to practice connecting with someone I was really into...and don't I need practice!   It's been a really good experience in general so far.  I've gotten to be honest and open, and notice where I really need to stretch.  When something makes me upset or uncomfortable, I'm so afraid to express it.  I freeze or refuse to acknowledge that I'm upset.  I don't seem to be able to assert my needs because I can't figure out how to phrase them perfectly.  I'm so scared of saying something wrong or offensive-of my worries being misinterpreted or even worse- what if my thoughts and feelings actually ARE offensive, and they hurt someone!?  So things go unsaid...which is exactly what I'm supposed to be working on.  Sometimes it takes me a day or two to even comprehend my own needs and be able to articulate them coherently.  These concerns have come to a head recently, and I wrote down the general idea of what I need to say to him.

I have to be honest about something.  I'm flattered by all of the physical compliments.  I know they are said with the best intentions.  Sometimes they make me feel really good, but they also scare me.  It's really important for me to be learning NOT to validate myself based soley on physical appearance.  My self esteem must be based on WHO I am - not how I look or what I can do.  In my disorder, I was so far removed from mySELF- it was hidden and distorted by all the emphasis on everything physical.  I need to do some deep exploration to rediscover self, and remove the many layers of walls and defences that I spent years piling on to protect myself.  When we watch a movie, cuddle, and push my physical comfort zones without challenging the emotional barriers- without really talking and getting to know each other---I feel like we're slacking on the hard but worthwhile parts of having a relationship.  It's easy and stimulating, but I end up feeling confused, shallow, isolated, and almost like I'm betraying the part of me I'm trying so hard to find and nurture.  Why would I do that?  Why don't I say anything in the moment?  Because going in that direction validates the part of me that I'm used to relying on.  It's convenient.  And it seems to be what you want from me.  Whatever your true intentions are, the message I internalize is that you want me for my body and the rest of me is not worth getting to know- not worth searching for.  I am not good enough on my own.  The only way to get love and attention is to have a perfect body.  It becomes up to me to control that.  And there we have the very foundation of an eating disorder!

So what do I want from a relationship right now?  Honestly I don't think now is a good time to have one at all.  There's so much at risk of me allowing myself to be compromised, altered, hidden, or simply neglected.  I need to be learning to take care of myself-not necessarily others- and not relying on others to take care of me or validate me.  I need to build a strong support group with a wide foundation of friends.  When I spend so much time with one person, I am placing too much dependence on a single link in the chain before the safety net is rigged.  So there are many reasons NOT to have a relationship now...as there have always been...and as there always will be.  I have always put school and athletics before my friends and relationships.  Then is was weight management and career.  "If you interfere with my schedule, get out of my way" was the old attitude.  The idea of balancing my time- giving it to another person, opening up, sharing, being vulnerable, social, and actually having a life- that's very new for me.  That's contrary action.  It's hard.  If not now, when?  I will put it off forever.  It seems to me that I should not make a rule against it, but must remain VERY aware of my needs and intentions.  As long as it is aiding my recovery, great.  No need to rule it out.  But I must constantly reevaluate.  It is surely at a critical point now.  I need to express my concern and assert my needs.  That is recovery.  If this relationship continues exactly as it is now, it is taking time and energy from recovery without adding much to it.  It may need to be set aside or abandoned.  But perhaps expressing this to him will move me forward, and reveal that he wants the same thing.  Perhaps I need to be here now with a patient, self-assured, relatively uninhibited person who is willing to help me explore how I identify myself as an individual as well as in a relationship.  I have soooo much to learn.  I did so much to stifle my growth before.  it's a very important place for me to grow.  I have no idea where this is going to go, and the cool thing is that I don't have to.  It's not up to me to plan or control the outcome.  I just have to be honest, open, aware, and connected.  If I express myself accurately to him, I'm confident that it will work out for the best.  Now I just have to work on expressing it!  easier said than done.  Maybe I should commit to talking to him about it tonight.  I'm sure gonna try : )

How My Disease Works

Step 1: Wait for an Opening

This morning my instructor stayed late with me after class.  We spent an extra 45 min or so reviewing all of the techniques I have learned up to this point.  I did my usual weight routine, but feeling inspired by the confidence in my more solid skill set, I did slightly heavier weights.  I actually got some adrenaline pumping.  Normally I'm supposed to do such light weights that I never get my fix of that favorite drug, but this time, I got a taste of it.  But it was all upper body, so naturally, I assumed I should warm up my legs by doing an extra 20 min on the treadmill before I did the physical therapy exercises for my knee...which I was now inspired to do exceptionally well.  This took over an hour.  My light recovery morning (and yes...there is an evening one too) workout lasted almost 5 hours.  ED was ecstatic.  Congratulations!  Most people don't work out half that much when they're trying to be intense, and you're doing it by accident!  You are so tough!  What a great start to the day!  See?  You are strong, and soon you're going to be back to full workouts, and well on your way to being a super hero.  This is so great.  I'm so proud of you.  See how great you feel?  There's nothing wrong with working out for long periods of time.  That's how you get good.  That's the only way to really excel at what you want to do.  What else can you do to keep feeling good and productive?  I knew that I might have over done it a little.  Certainly no disaster.  I mean...it was all pretty low intensity, so it's not like I was damaging my body.  The main thing was that the opening was there.  And ED was waiting.  

Step 2: Refocus my Self Worth such that it is entirely invested in Productivity

I may have been able to shut him out if I had followed my usual routine of late, and done a good bit of writing as soon as I got home, but riding the momentum of the adrenaline or something, I was compelled to be as productive as possible.  I have a lot of business to get done.  Exercise and work are very closely intertwined for me, and once I feel like I'm doing well in something, I'm inspired to do even more to rise above the rest in that specific area.  I was good because I trained extra this morning.  I could be better if I did all of my paper work and mailings.  It took all of my afternoon free time, so I didn't get to do any writing.  That was OK though...I was productive, so I was good.  Now, this was a subtle little thing, but it shifted my self worth from recovery work to productivity, so when the choice of evening activities came up, it's not surprising what was most tempting.  Every Wednesday night, I go to one of my favorite meetings: Artists in Abstinence, and I probably don't go to quite enough meetings as it is, so this one is pretty important to my recovery.  When I started training with my coach, I made a commitment to myself that I wouldn't miss this meeting for training.  I wrote it down as a warning sign.  (funny how I forgot that when i was specifically asked if I was violating my exercise commitment).  Every Wednesday night, I feel a little upset about having to miss this one class at my gym.  I like the teacher, and the other 3 students are more advanced than me, so I get to learn the more advanced techniques and get ahead.  Perfect!  another way to get validation and feel superior!  So I hate missing this class, but I have been going to the meeting instead for weeks, because I know how important it is for my recovery.  So again I had the choice: Practice moderation and self care by going to the meeting, or Work out more than anyone else today, learn more advanced techniques, and solidify my skill set so that I can feel productive and superior.  I recognized that one represented recovery while the other gave the power back to my disease.  But I'm not really doing anything wrong!  and I did a little extra this morning, and look how good I feel!  This class makes you better!  I knew I was going to choose ED.  I still had 2 hours to decide.  I spent the first one reviewing notes on the techniques, and the 2nd hour getting a private lesson from one of the other instructors.  He did everything I needed to validate ED.  I learned everything I wanted to.  I was probably caught up to the 3 guys that were coming to the next class!  Haha!  now I was definitely going to stay.  If I'm caught up now, and I stay and learn with them, it'll all solidify, and then i'll be good, and they'll know I'm good.  ED had me.  He had my self esteem in the palm of his hand.  He pumped it up, so that I would choose to go with him.  How can I be so mistrusting of people when I so easily entrust ED with every part of me.  He always betrays me.

Step 3: Eliminate Productivity

Well class didn't go how I'd planned it.  The 3 advanced students didn't show up.  Only the brand new beginner was there, and the teacher taught to his level.  He didn't send me off on my own to review the new things that I wanted so desperately to practice.  He walked me step by step, painfully slowly how to do the most basic things that had taken me all of 20 seconds to learn on my first day.  My value as a person was based on the difficulty of the skills I was learning, and now the skills were subpar.  I went from super-human to sub-human.  

Step 4: Attack

With the slow pace of the class, I had lots of time to think.  I became intensely aware of my pudginess around the love handle area, and the fullness in my belly.  I would have liked to get an extra real workout in just to make sure that I balanced out how much I had eaten today (which by the way was exactly according to my food plan).  I probably would be better off if I didn't eat anything after class.  None of my workouts were that intense today anyway.  None of my workouts are intense anymore.  They're all so boring and pointless, I don't even know why I do them.  It's probably because I'm too lazy to think for myself.  I could have done one short intense workout, and it would have been more productive than the 7 hours I spent in the gym today, and then I wouldn't have been an ungrateful bum who sacrificed recovery for a stupid pointless class.  Obviously I don't care about myself if I could make a choice this stupid.  Didn't I know that skipping meetings for workout is self sabotauge?  obviously I don't care at all.  I pretty much blew it.  You know this is a relapse, right?  This is pretty much the same as if you ate out the grocery store, and puked it all up.  You're not just a bulimic and compulsive eater, you know.  You're an exercise addict, and a relapse in one thing is a relapse in everything.  Is there anything else you want to screw up now that you've signed your own death warrant?

It was weird being so aware of it the whole time...letting myself get invested in old methods of validation, and then seeing how quickly it turned on me.  Shut up!  This night was a miserable failure.  There is nothing to be learned here.  You've already given up.  You suck.  It's really scary how easily ED can turn the tables on me and beat me up once I've given him control, and it was amazing to observe how he tempts me, twists my thoughts, changes my actions, and then turns on me.  Maybe you would have been OK if you'd gone to the meeting, but you missed it!  Way to go.  the speaker probably told the most amazing story ever that would have changed your life and there was probably an important business contact that you were going to meet there, and you blew it, just because you stayed for this stupid class, where you learned NOTHING!  Really?  Oh my gosh I know!  It sucks!  But maybe it's good that I realize how much I would have liked to go to the meeting.  I mean...I did learn a lot about this process, and why it's so important that I don't succome to the temptation of ED.  Even if he's pushing me towards a really good activity, if any part of me is feeling rebellious and defiant, it's probably important...at least for now, to make the recovery choice.  Sometimes it's really hard, but if I give the power to ED, that's the one thing i can count on.  He will always let me down.  Shut up!  This was a lose-lose situation, and you lost.  There's no lesson.  You wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out even if there was.  You just suck, now shut up and be miserable.  Yeah-right- except that I actually did learn something, and I think it's going to be really valuable in the future.  I might even be able to share it with others who will find it useful.  I would have loved to be at the meeting, but the lesson I learned by missing it may wind up being even more valuable.  Ha ha.  I learned something.  ED sucks.  and he's not me.

Silly Control Methods...

Rahhhhh!  I am so extremely angry right now.  well, I've calmed down a little on the way home, but when I was standing on the mat listening to that man ramble on and on while I was supposed to be working out, I could feel my trachea closing up.  It got hard to breathe.  My eyes welled up with tears, and I caught myself clutching the collar of my uniform, and pulling it tightly around my neck.  I knew I was overreacting.  I knew I could accept the situation, and learn something from it.  I was there with this instructor for a reason, and if I would just calm down and open my mind, I could learn something.  but if I calmed down, he wouldn't understand that HE was messing up my workout.  He would think it was OK to give me one single technique to do: one move, let me do it ONCE, and then talk for freakin' 10 minutes about "what it is and why we're doing it, and where, and how, and back in 1541 when it was created for this purpose there was this guy, and it's functional!  It really works! and bla bla bla" and I don't freakin' care!  I don't!  I have a limited amount of time to work on this stuff.  I could get over 100 reps in the time that this guy is running his mouth, and most of it is stammering!  So, my head was a whirlwind.  What would be the best "recovery" solution?  Would it be expressing my needs as a form of self care?  I tried asking if I could do reps of the technique...OK...not true.  I asked if I should do extra reps.  He said that wasn't necessary, so I do wish I had expressed that better.  I kept trying to find a good opening to ask if I could just practice the techniques, and to tell him that I didn't need to hear the entire history of each one, but there were no openings.  As the tension and frustration built, I could feel it exploding out my ears and throat.  And there was a mirror in front of me...believe me...I was not being all that subtle.  My expression looked like I was being tortured or suffocated.  I was practically cowering.  It was really silly, but I was allowing my emotions to run away with me.  I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted, so I figured that if I could show him how much he was hurting me, he would at least ask what was wrong.  Then I could tell him that I was having trouble processing the valuable information he was giving me because I had a lot of pent up energy, and just really needed to do reps.  But he never asked!  He seemed completely oblivious the entire time.  Like talking to a brick wall.  If I had been a statue or 2 year old child running around screaming, I don't believe he would have said a single word differently.  Another reason I was uncomfortable interrupting him is the student/teacher protocol in this sort of program.  I'm pretty sure the student gets no say, and has to do whatever the instructor orders.  I generally like that kind of thing, because I love being pushed beyond my physical limits...but this was sooooo unphysical!!!  and the more frustrated I get, the more I want to resort to my favorite coping mechanism...Compulsive Exercise!  I was dying to move-to exert my body beyond human capabilities, but I had to stand there, and listen!!!! Ahhhhhhhh! ughhhhhhhhh!  it was too much.  And then the head instructor came past and said I was done.  And that was it.  there went my precious training time.  but at least I didn't have to listen to him anymore.

Now that I've had some more time to calm down, I guess that extra 40 min of training time wasn't that crucial.  My life isn't dramatically altered having lost it.  And I'm sure there was something to be gained from listening to his gobbly-gook.  Probably the most important thing I could have gained from this was practice letting go of my will-my plan for the workout.  He is the instructor, and what I learn is up to him...i guess.  It just seemed so wrong to waste all that training time...OK...that did sound really disordered, didn't it.  It's just that I swear he's giving me wrong information on half the stuff...true, he knows more than I do, but he's directly contradicting my other instructor, who is clearly better, more experienced, and more knowledgable. I'm not sure whether it would have been better to assert myself, and get my way, or to practice acceptance, and try to get something out of the absurd experience, but wallowing in the indecision was the worst option.  Since I'm supposed to try to be self-loving, I'm gonna congratulate myself on at least recognizing the 2 better options in the moment, and what I was doing.  I'm getting the awareness.  I just have to keep practicing. 

Ouch! ED, get out of my head!

I can't remember feeling this bad about my body for this long consecutively.  I guess that's because I used to numb it out with action.  If my legs looked big, I'd run til I couldn't feel them.  If my stomach felt chubby, I'd do situps til it burned too much to feel anything else.  Recovery is hard right now.  and as painful as it is to be this disgusted with myself, I know that that's not the real issue.  In fact, I'm kinda stalling by focusing on it right now.  I have soooooo much CRAP floating around my head that needs to be sorted out.  At least 2 major emotional core issues that have resurfaced multiple times in my life.  I just made the connections.  This morning I discovered the parallel.  It's really hard for me to see people in my career who attack their work with such single minded enthusiasm, blocking out all else, pushing harder than anyone else, making sacrifices, and succeeding.  Don't get me wrong... I love it too.  I love seeing perseverence paying off, but I'm told by so many therapists and advisors in program that it's that kind of unrelenting drive that got me into trouble.  I pushed myself over the edge, and that's why I crumbled.  These are the people guiding me in my recovery.  They tell me I need to learn to rest, take care of myself, and find balance...rely on a higher power, turn over my will, and make time for friends.  If I do these things, I can have a wonderful amazing life...like them.  But when I look at them and what they have, and judge it with my old set of values, it's not something i really want.  Especially when I've got a role model in front of me who has driven himself to the ends of the earth, sacrificing everything-time, money, health, friends, relationships...and he has achieved everything i've ever hoped to achieve.  He has everything I ever wanted.  In almost every way, he is who I want to be.  what do i want a life for?  Why should I give up living the way I want to, pursuing my dreams the way I see fit just to be like someone I don't want to be like?  If I want what HE has, then I should do what he does instead of listen to these women, who seem really happy and fulfilled, but they're not doing what I want to do or achieving what I want to achieve.  HE hates the idea of trusting and relying on a higher power because it's weak.  It means admitting you don't have control over your life or the power to actually set your own path and follow it regardless of the hardships.  That's how i've felt for most of my life.  If it works for HIM, why can't I do that?  Why not?  I don't know.  But I can't.  I freakin' hate being powerless.  I hate it.  I feel so inadequate right now.  If other people can push that hard and succeed, why did I fail?  Why can they drill themselves into the ground and come out on top, while I got burried?  I feel like such a failure.  I feel like I'm fighting for a cause I don't believe in, because I'll be annihilated if I don't betray myself and support the enemy.  So I'm carrying out orders from the enemy until I can become so brainwashed that I believe in their cause.

     Wow.  That's soooo ED talking.  i guess.  It really feels that way though.  and I know there are times when I'm excited and inspired by recovery, and in the long run, the rewards of this program will be worth it.  I'll be able to everything I set my mind to more effectively.  It doesn't mean I'm going to give up on my goals...in fact, they're more likely to get accomplished.  It's just...when I'm taking so much strong action against ED, his position of authority in my mind gets threatened, and he kicks and screams as an instinctive survival technique- a last resort.  If I keep working my program, and can get through this outburst, his temper tantrum will fizzle out, and he'll have to retreat and regroup.  I'll be free for a while.  It scares me, because he's dominant in my head right now, and it scares him.  I don't know who I am without him.  I'm scared of how I will change.  But the truth is (as thank God, many of my closest friends have reminded me), I will always love the activities I love.  I will always have a drive for excellence.  These traits and others that compliment them will only become more pronounced as I become a fully actualized human being.  

ED has been training hard

     Last night, I found that I had to cover up the mirrors in my house.  I'm looking at them with different eyes.  It was an almost instantaneous change, after which I could see no good.  Every flaw lurched out at me.  When my boyfriend affectionately touched my stomach, my breath got caught in my throat.  I knew he could feel how big and blubbery it was.  Certainly it had grown in the past few days (not that I have strayed from my food plan, eaten even slightly beyond fullness, or missed a single workout).  But I knew I was bigger.  Besides, I was practically bulging out of my shorts.

     They say that while we're working on recovery, ED is in the closet doing push ups.  Well, when I do pushups, ED tells me I have to do them with giant sand bags on my back, and keep going until my arms collapse under me.  You better believe he's been pushing himself just as hard while he's been cooped up in there, just biding his time.  I was getting comfortable in my recovery.  I'd settled into a routine, and ED knows I get bored easily.  ED knows I like things to be challenging.  I like to be pushed.  He knows that I don't know how to deal with drama or conflict, so he waited until all these outside circumstances were bearing down on me.  He waited until I started digging through the origin of my disease, and where my unhealthy ideas came from, and when all these things were fresh in my head, he jumped out and yelled "Remember that idea!  It was brilliant then, and it's brilliant now.  It's worked on other people, and it can work for you if you stop being so gullible and lazy.  You're the one who's sinking into mediocrity to make friends...giving up on your dreams just for some imaginary higher power.  You want a life?  Since when did you ever want that?  you tried that once, and got bored in a week.  You don't want a life.  you want to be exceptional.  Anyone can have a life.  You can be the best.  You have something extra.  And you want to waste that?  And for what?  Look at all this crap that is going on!  You don't even like having a life.  You have to worry about other people, and their time and their feelings, and what they think of you.  You're probably going to hurt them anyway, because you don't really care anyway.  You're only using them to get a stupid life you don't even want.  You're wasting your time on lazy mediocre "workouts" that you don't even like.  You could be spending that time training with some actual intensity on something that is functional, that matters, and that you enjoy, but no!  Lets spend our precious gym time stretching and doing physical therapy, and the freakin most boring techniques ever with a bunch of average people.  What would your old coach say?  This is disgusting.  You're not even trying.  I'm so disgusted.  Some people just don't care, and that's bad enough, but what you're doing is even worse.  You're deluding yourself- pretending you don't care to impress stupid average people who don't understand you.

     I hear him yelling, and everything he's saying feels right.  When I'm being ruled by my recovery voice, just one of these thoughts scares me, but today, I can't help but defend them.  My fear is that the recovery voice will overpower them and I'll forget how important that stuff is.  I know it's all my disorder.  The thing my sponsor said this morning that helped was that when we're in recovery, we're more effective at everything we do.  Of course I can argue that, (well, I guess it would be ED that would argue with that) but in reality, I think I've been almost as effective in this beginning phase of recovery as I have during the high points of my disease, and right now I'm building strength and momentum, whereas before in my disease, I could push really hard for a while, but it was quickly exhausting my resources.  I know that this will pass, and I will have peace and serenity again, and it's OK that right now that scares me more than comforts me.

     What am I doing?  Praying.  I'm praying to see what I need to see; to hear what I need to hear; to do what I need to do; to feel that strong connection to my HP so that I know when to push, and when to take it easy.  I'm taking a lot of contrary action.  Last night I didn't want to stop eating, so I put the food away.  ED told me the only way to fix me was to go to the gym, condition until my muscles trembled and my hands bled, so I went to a meeting instead.  ED told me that I had a million crucially important things that must all be done today.  I must spend 3 hrs at the gym this morning, go to another outdoor class, run errands, then be back at the gym in the afternoon.  So I came home after an hour and a half at the gym.  I'm going to take a nap.  He told me that since I didn't do my whole workout, I couldn't have my snack.  I ate my snack, because my food plan told me it was the right time.  ED is most powerful when I'm at my weakest, which is often when I'm sleep deprived.  ED can exhaust himself yelling for all I care.  I'll be sleeping.  later  : )

Haha.  I got it.  (ps...that was a sarcastic irritated haha.  I am not laughing)  The tension and frustration have been building all week.  I've been watching the clock waiting for meal times, craving more when it's done, and abusing condiments.  I can't look in the mirror without tearing into every little flaw on my body.  I'm judging.  I've even been trying to justify straying from my food plan once or twice, but thank God, I could see even in the moment that those were the moments my food plan was created for.  Those are the times when I'm about to get out of control, and I need those guidelines to protect me from compulsive harmful actions.  So I stuck to it, but it felt white knucklie.  I've been writing a ton, sharing at meetings, and making soooo many phone calls, calling newcomers, and reading, being social...I've even been doing intense step work tracing the origin of my disease, and revisiting past experiences.  It was suggested that perhaps I'm just uncomfortable with those things.  Just because I've identified and analyzed them doesn't mean I'm comfortable with them.  That sorta made sense.  I do have a lot of things going on that I don't really know how to deal with right now.  Talking about it doesn't just magically fix everything (unfortunately).  It helps of course, but I still have so much to sort through.  The weird thing was that most of these issues and explorations felt inspiring...scary?  yes.  uncomfortable?  definitely.  But in a fun, exciting way...well most of it.  I was about to go to sleep, and was doing some hard core praying, because i just know something's going on with me.  I asked God to help me to see what I needed to see, and it all just exploded out of me.  Recovery is starting to make me feel really normal, and I freakin' hate it.  I eat moderately.  I exercise reasonably.  I make time for friends, I read, I write...bla bla bla...I'm so bored out of my mind, I think I'm going to burst.  I liked working out 8 hrs/day, because people can't work out 8 hrs/day.  I like doing what can't be done.  I like pushing myself to the limit, and exceeding all expectations.  I'm so mad at recovery and people for taking away from my training time, and at God for making me wait around for this injury to get better.  I feel like he cut my legs out from under me.  He did!  and I know why.  And it's because I needed the time to build a relationship with a higher power, where I trust and rely on God, and spend time connecting with other humans, which are all things that I don't want to do right now!  I know i'm overreacting and being bitter and black-and-white, but I'm so frustrated!  I want to be good...but not just good.  I want to be exceptional...beyond exceptional.  Super-human.  I feel like ... I have the ability to be world class at several different sports, and I had a real shot at a few of them already, but something was always off in my head that prevented me from working hard enough.  I have so many friends now who have reached that level, and I try to explain to them that I was right there too, but I pushed too hard.  but they disagree.  Because they did it too.  They just didn't have a freakin' eating disorder that caused them to self sabotauge.  They still sacrificed social life.  They lived for their sport.  sleep, nutrition, study, and hours and hours of intense training...it all revolved around their sport.  That's all there was.  That's how they rose to the top.  That's what I want to do.  It's how I've always lived instinctively, and it's so hard to have to give it up for something you don't even know you want.  I just feel so backed into a corner.  At least I know I'm feeling, because I'm crying again.  I was actually a little worried, because I hadn't had a good cry in a while.  I know some of this is me vs. E.D.  ED wants me to think I'm horrible for giving up my dreams (which I haven't done at all.  I'm jsut approaching them in a different way) and being lazy.  ED is making a violent protest of the new ideas and way of life that has been dominant in my head for the past few weeks.  ED is louder than the new ideas now, and it feels like he's right.  He's so loud now, that I'm scared he's going to be overruled soon, and I will forget how important it is to strive ever harder for excellence.  I'm afraid I'm going to fade into mediocrity.  I guess I'm a little hurt to find out that my coach, who "chose me to be his little prodigy student, and rise through the ranks"... well this is actually a line he uses on lots of young women who he thinks he can seduce.  I didn't realize how hurt I was about the idea that I might not have been selected for my skill and determination.  One of the last girls he chose didn't have prior training, or specific aspirations in this field!  It's just...ugh...i have to go.  more on this later

A yucky day in recovery is better than a good day in my disease.  (do those really exist anyway?)  And that's important to remember, because today just feels kinda yucky.  there's no real reason.  or maybe i'm stuck in my head about something.  My next meal is probably the most captivating topic for me at the moment.  Ya know...that's been the case a lot for the past few days, and I have actually been feeling like I have a lot on my mind, but everytime I sit down to write, it all gets jammed.  I think i'm feeling OK about the coach thing.  I received evidence from several sources that in a lot of ways, my current coach that I've been relying on to help moderate my exercise routine is not trustworthy.  It's confusing, because of the way he appeared so suddenly when I had prayed for clear guidance...a mentor...and there he was.  It was like God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself...through him...because God speaks to us through other people sometimes, right?  but I know this disease can't be cured by any "human power", and this man is absolutely human.  This new information about him (well i guess it wasn't new.  i had an instinct about it all along, but now i know to trust that instinct) just reminds me that he is not the ultimate authority.  And that's a little scary, because I still like things to be black and white: do everything he says, or do whatever I want, and i feel like this gives me license to do whatever i want.  But following his program is probably the healthier more self caring thing to do right now.  Actually...this makes a lot of sense.  One of my fears entering into this agreement with this man was that I would blindly obey whatever he said, and stop bothering to listen to my body.  It was a huge struggle before I met him, just trying to learn what I'm capable of and where I can push myself without going to far.  I was floundering and needed guidance, but I have to stay aware, so I can learn to get that from my higher power.  The point here is not to do the perfect amount of workout or eat according to the perfect food plan.  The point is to learn to get that input from a higher power, so I can adapt and adjust in the moment.  It's the difference between having a rigid cookie cutter formula that you stick to to get a perfect product and knowing/trusting the source that made the cookie cutter, so that you can get those great results in a different way every time, no matter the circumstances.  Because sometimes the cookie cutter doesn't fit.  Then what do you do?  If you aren't connected to your higher power, you're lost.  So when last week, he told me I was only giving 80%, and that I needed to give 100%, I began sacrificing my own intuition, and not bothering to check in with my higher power.  I got the kick in the pants I needed.  A clear blunt statement that he is as human as I am, and while he is teaching me valuable lessons, my relationship with my higher power takes precedence.  It's kinda cool.  So I don't get to turn off my brain or check out.  Gotta keep praying.

My recent condiment obsession has been a lovely little reminder that yes-I am still a compulsive overeater.  I'm not in control.  The daily reprieve that I have frequently is still conditional on my spiritual maintenence, and I must pray about the condiments now.  I can't think my way out of it any better than I could plot my own recovery, or strategize weight loss.  It's just another opportunity to connect to my higher power.

Freakin' Older Men...stop hitting on me!

When I finish the last of my broccoli, and want to eat salsa out of the jar with a fork, I know there's something on my mind.  But I already knew that.  I'm having serious issues with significantly older men who think they can rope me into dating them or doing...something...I dunno, but I don't know where they get this idea.  Maybe because I try to be friendly and open with everyone I meet, they mistake that for me being attracted to them.  Or maybe something about my wide eyes and willingness to learn makes them think I'm so nievette that they can pull the wool over my eyes and seduce me.  Do they think I'm retarded?  Sorry.  Not gonna work.  (wow.  I'm chugging my caffeine free tea.  this must be really getting to me!)  but seriously...I love learning, and in the past couple of months, I think I've had like 8 different men -all at least 15 years older than me - recognize my potential, offer to teach me their craft, and try to turn it into some kind of twisted relationship.  It sucks, because it's really hard for me to turn down the training, but when their intentions finally become evident, what else can I do?  I dunno.  It just sucks.

God is Amazing.

I'm so...ugh...i don't know.  restless right now.  Bored?  yes.  extremely.  This is exactly the feeling I used to have when I would just be dyyyyyying to eat.  It sucks.  I feel like I've basically been doing everything right.  I've finally gotten used to a somewhat regular routine that gives me time to train, work, take care of myself and my recovery, and keep my home tidy.  I make time for phone calls and time with friends.  I've even been dating a pretty great guy for the past few weeks...

wanna know about frustrating?  i wrote for an hour after that point, and when i was finally ready to post, the internet stopped working, and deleted the whole thing.  yeah.  pissed.  In fact.  i was crying inside, but refusing to show it, because freakin mr. wonderful over here is being all touchy feely, and all I want to do is just run.  I want to run til my legs fall off, which is my primary definition of compulsive overexercising.  so good for me: I took contrary action, and stayed right here on the couch, cuz i have a stupid knee problem.  then I asked for the internet password, and came back to my blog.  I think maybe the more recovery thing to do would have been to be a little more open, and talk to this guy about what he was doing that was making me uncomfortable.  In fact, I was about to when the internet turned off, and i got really upset, and told him only about the things that didn't involve him, but neglected to mention the more relevant topics.  But I really did have a lot to process before I got to that point.  This will be the condensed version...

I feel like I'm gonna go on an adventure binge...My life and schedule have been so mundane and boring lately because it's been filled with physical therapy, really really simple boring conditioning and basic techniques, learning to have a social life (which I have always found dull), and of course recovery.  I feel like my adventures have been so restricted that just like when you restrict food and binge later, I am dying for a massive adventure- zip line/ exploring a jungle, scaling the face of a huge cliff, commandeering a ship, and taking it to exotic foreign places, and perhaps running from the law...on a high speed motorcycle chase that ends in a makeshift treehouse in a redwood forrest or something.  Activity and adventure were basically my sole way of self fulfillment for so long, that I feel empty without them.  I know that my injuries came when they did for a reason, and that without them, I could have continued trying to stuff my life with overstimulation, and never would have found this spiritual cure- never would have connected with a higher power.  And if I didn't have the remnants of this injury now, and tons of people and coaches around me forcing me to take time off from the activities I love, then I'd never make the time to really learn how to stay connected to my higher power.  It's great that I'm so passionate about going out and living life to the fullest, but I can't neglect my higher power.  No matter how much you do, it eventually catches up to you.  So just like when i was in the recovery house, and it was extra hard because my old tools, defenses, and distractions had been taken away, now is that concentrated recovery when I'm going to be hit with the most challenging triggers.  I have to deal with down time.  I don't get to define myself by the cool things I'm doing.  My life feels pretty normal and regular right now, so i have to look deep within myself if I want to know who I am.  I didn't have to look before.  I could just rattle off a list of activities, and say "that's who I am, and it's really cool."  but if i'm doing normal things that don't make me stand out from the crowd, then I have a choice:  I can say, I'm just like everybody else, and there's nothing special about me, or I can fearlessly search within to know me for who I am...not what I do.  So the important conclusion I came to before was that even though I have to stick to a sucky boring schedule right now, I really am doing it just for today.  this isn't the rest of my life.  it's preparation for it.  I'm healing my knee so that I can return to real adventures.  And if my injury was gone, and I was 100% physically recovered right now, then I would be sooo overexcited about returning to all of my sports and ventures that I would neglect my recovery work.  Without this injury and the coaches and support teams i have to remind me of it and keep me from my exercise and adrenaline addiction, I'd never have the time to learn how to stay connected to my friends and higher power.  I would forget them, and wonder why my life was crumbling.  Right now, I choose to accept that i have a knee injury right now because i need a knee injury right now.  I'm training with a power hungary dictator of a coach, because i need to surrender control to someone who knows more than I do.  I have a freak-ton of time on my hands, because I have a LOT of info to process, I need to take time for self care, time with friends, and learning to socialize.  There is suddenly a guy in my life, because...well apparently, it's the right time, and there's something for me to learn from that too.  The computer deleted my post, because even though i was saying the right things, i didn't get it yet.  i didn't feel it, or believe it, and I was going to stop writing when I still had this turbulence in my head, but since I had to stick with it, and write more, I found some peace.  Life is weird that way...Amazing...surprising...it always blows my mind how there is ALWAYS something valuable to be gained from every situation if you can just keep your mind open.  The suckier the event, the harder you have to work to stay open minded and receptive, but it's always there, it's always worth it, and your life will always get better.  you just have to trust.