Dating in Recovery

I've often heard that it's not a good idea to date early in recovery.  Most would advise against it at all in the first year, and I'm just short of 4 months.  This is such a confusing, turbulent time, that I would generally agree.  Dating right now would be pretty dangerous for me.  In my first month, my dearest core values were challenged and proven wrong by people who care about me.  My highest priorities were proven unimportant, my oldest routines and ideas were proven wrong and harmful...my most elementary and foundational beliefs and values were uprooted, leaving everything I know and believe up for debate.  I used to think I knew exactly where I stood on a lot of things, but having my "core, inalienable truths" invalidated puts everything on shaky ground.  I feel so impressionable-like I can't trust anything I know, and I just want to latch onto someone who can give me all of the answers...well not so much anymore, but sometimes.  And that's not a really good state of mind to be dating in.  you know?  Especially since the last pseudo relationship I was in involved a guy who liked to tell me who I was, what to do, and generally mold me to his satisfaction.  My only defense was absolute certainty of what I knew to be right and wrong.  But now I've learned that there are more important things than having the perfect body, or the best, hardest skills, or working the hardest at your job.  Things like a Higher Power, and real human connections blow that stuff away...at least I'm beginning to accept that.  But it's a hard transition to make such a radical change in my mind, and I was so sure that working the hardest was the most important thing.  Will I sacrifice dignity or morals?  Probably not, but I do feel a lot less sure of myself.  I guess I just realize how much work I have to do finding out who I am.  I need to make it my top priority to figure that out ...

That's exactly what I thought when he asked me out a month ago...only I accidentally said yes.  Weird, huh?  But saying yes was contrary action for me.  Like I said: I thought working hard and achieving tangible things were the most important things in the world.  I would spend 8 hours/day in the gym, and refuse to sacrifice a minute of training or sleep for social interaction of any kind.  For me, a big part of recovery is learning to connect with people and not isolate.  I figured we'd go on a casual date, and that would be it, but we had so much in common and connected on so many levels...it felt like forcing him away would have been very controlling and anti-recovery.  This was a good opportunity to practice connecting with someone I was really into...and don't I need practice!   It's been a really good experience in general so far.  I've gotten to be honest and open, and notice where I really need to stretch.  When something makes me upset or uncomfortable, I'm so afraid to express it.  I freeze or refuse to acknowledge that I'm upset.  I don't seem to be able to assert my needs because I can't figure out how to phrase them perfectly.  I'm so scared of saying something wrong or offensive-of my worries being misinterpreted or even worse- what if my thoughts and feelings actually ARE offensive, and they hurt someone!?  So things go unsaid...which is exactly what I'm supposed to be working on.  Sometimes it takes me a day or two to even comprehend my own needs and be able to articulate them coherently.  These concerns have come to a head recently, and I wrote down the general idea of what I need to say to him.

I have to be honest about something.  I'm flattered by all of the physical compliments.  I know they are said with the best intentions.  Sometimes they make me feel really good, but they also scare me.  It's really important for me to be learning NOT to validate myself based soley on physical appearance.  My self esteem must be based on WHO I am - not how I look or what I can do.  In my disorder, I was so far removed from mySELF- it was hidden and distorted by all the emphasis on everything physical.  I need to do some deep exploration to rediscover self, and remove the many layers of walls and defences that I spent years piling on to protect myself.  When we watch a movie, cuddle, and push my physical comfort zones without challenging the emotional barriers- without really talking and getting to know each other---I feel like we're slacking on the hard but worthwhile parts of having a relationship.  It's easy and stimulating, but I end up feeling confused, shallow, isolated, and almost like I'm betraying the part of me I'm trying so hard to find and nurture.  Why would I do that?  Why don't I say anything in the moment?  Because going in that direction validates the part of me that I'm used to relying on.  It's convenient.  And it seems to be what you want from me.  Whatever your true intentions are, the message I internalize is that you want me for my body and the rest of me is not worth getting to know- not worth searching for.  I am not good enough on my own.  The only way to get love and attention is to have a perfect body.  It becomes up to me to control that.  And there we have the very foundation of an eating disorder!

So what do I want from a relationship right now?  Honestly I don't think now is a good time to have one at all.  There's so much at risk of me allowing myself to be compromised, altered, hidden, or simply neglected.  I need to be learning to take care of myself-not necessarily others- and not relying on others to take care of me or validate me.  I need to build a strong support group with a wide foundation of friends.  When I spend so much time with one person, I am placing too much dependence on a single link in the chain before the safety net is rigged.  So there are many reasons NOT to have a relationship now...as there have always been...and as there always will be.  I have always put school and athletics before my friends and relationships.  Then is was weight management and career.  "If you interfere with my schedule, get out of my way" was the old attitude.  The idea of balancing my time- giving it to another person, opening up, sharing, being vulnerable, social, and actually having a life- that's very new for me.  That's contrary action.  It's hard.  If not now, when?  I will put it off forever.  It seems to me that I should not make a rule against it, but must remain VERY aware of my needs and intentions.  As long as it is aiding my recovery, great.  No need to rule it out.  But I must constantly reevaluate.  It is surely at a critical point now.  I need to express my concern and assert my needs.  That is recovery.  If this relationship continues exactly as it is now, it is taking time and energy from recovery without adding much to it.  It may need to be set aside or abandoned.  But perhaps expressing this to him will move me forward, and reveal that he wants the same thing.  Perhaps I need to be here now with a patient, self-assured, relatively uninhibited person who is willing to help me explore how I identify myself as an individual as well as in a relationship.  I have soooo much to learn.  I did so much to stifle my growth before.  it's a very important place for me to grow.  I have no idea where this is going to go, and the cool thing is that I don't have to.  It's not up to me to plan or control the outcome.  I just have to be honest, open, aware, and connected.  If I express myself accurately to him, I'm confident that it will work out for the best.  Now I just have to work on expressing it!  easier said than done.  Maybe I should commit to talking to him about it tonight.  I'm sure gonna try : )