How My Disease Works

Step 1: Wait for an Opening

This morning my instructor stayed late with me after class.  We spent an extra 45 min or so reviewing all of the techniques I have learned up to this point.  I did my usual weight routine, but feeling inspired by the confidence in my more solid skill set, I did slightly heavier weights.  I actually got some adrenaline pumping.  Normally I'm supposed to do such light weights that I never get my fix of that favorite drug, but this time, I got a taste of it.  But it was all upper body, so naturally, I assumed I should warm up my legs by doing an extra 20 min on the treadmill before I did the physical therapy exercises for my knee...which I was now inspired to do exceptionally well.  This took over an hour.  My light recovery morning (and yes...there is an evening one too) workout lasted almost 5 hours.  ED was ecstatic.  Congratulations!  Most people don't work out half that much when they're trying to be intense, and you're doing it by accident!  You are so tough!  What a great start to the day!  See?  You are strong, and soon you're going to be back to full workouts, and well on your way to being a super hero.  This is so great.  I'm so proud of you.  See how great you feel?  There's nothing wrong with working out for long periods of time.  That's how you get good.  That's the only way to really excel at what you want to do.  What else can you do to keep feeling good and productive?  I knew that I might have over done it a little.  Certainly no disaster.  I mean...it was all pretty low intensity, so it's not like I was damaging my body.  The main thing was that the opening was there.  And ED was waiting.  

Step 2: Refocus my Self Worth such that it is entirely invested in Productivity

I may have been able to shut him out if I had followed my usual routine of late, and done a good bit of writing as soon as I got home, but riding the momentum of the adrenaline or something, I was compelled to be as productive as possible.  I have a lot of business to get done.  Exercise and work are very closely intertwined for me, and once I feel like I'm doing well in something, I'm inspired to do even more to rise above the rest in that specific area.  I was good because I trained extra this morning.  I could be better if I did all of my paper work and mailings.  It took all of my afternoon free time, so I didn't get to do any writing.  That was OK though...I was productive, so I was good.  Now, this was a subtle little thing, but it shifted my self worth from recovery work to productivity, so when the choice of evening activities came up, it's not surprising what was most tempting.  Every Wednesday night, I go to one of my favorite meetings: Artists in Abstinence, and I probably don't go to quite enough meetings as it is, so this one is pretty important to my recovery.  When I started training with my coach, I made a commitment to myself that I wouldn't miss this meeting for training.  I wrote it down as a warning sign.  (funny how I forgot that when i was specifically asked if I was violating my exercise commitment).  Every Wednesday night, I feel a little upset about having to miss this one class at my gym.  I like the teacher, and the other 3 students are more advanced than me, so I get to learn the more advanced techniques and get ahead.  Perfect!  another way to get validation and feel superior!  So I hate missing this class, but I have been going to the meeting instead for weeks, because I know how important it is for my recovery.  So again I had the choice: Practice moderation and self care by going to the meeting, or Work out more than anyone else today, learn more advanced techniques, and solidify my skill set so that I can feel productive and superior.  I recognized that one represented recovery while the other gave the power back to my disease.  But I'm not really doing anything wrong!  and I did a little extra this morning, and look how good I feel!  This class makes you better!  I knew I was going to choose ED.  I still had 2 hours to decide.  I spent the first one reviewing notes on the techniques, and the 2nd hour getting a private lesson from one of the other instructors.  He did everything I needed to validate ED.  I learned everything I wanted to.  I was probably caught up to the 3 guys that were coming to the next class!  Haha!  now I was definitely going to stay.  If I'm caught up now, and I stay and learn with them, it'll all solidify, and then i'll be good, and they'll know I'm good.  ED had me.  He had my self esteem in the palm of his hand.  He pumped it up, so that I would choose to go with him.  How can I be so mistrusting of people when I so easily entrust ED with every part of me.  He always betrays me.

Step 3: Eliminate Productivity

Well class didn't go how I'd planned it.  The 3 advanced students didn't show up.  Only the brand new beginner was there, and the teacher taught to his level.  He didn't send me off on my own to review the new things that I wanted so desperately to practice.  He walked me step by step, painfully slowly how to do the most basic things that had taken me all of 20 seconds to learn on my first day.  My value as a person was based on the difficulty of the skills I was learning, and now the skills were subpar.  I went from super-human to sub-human.  

Step 4: Attack

With the slow pace of the class, I had lots of time to think.  I became intensely aware of my pudginess around the love handle area, and the fullness in my belly.  I would have liked to get an extra real workout in just to make sure that I balanced out how much I had eaten today (which by the way was exactly according to my food plan).  I probably would be better off if I didn't eat anything after class.  None of my workouts were that intense today anyway.  None of my workouts are intense anymore.  They're all so boring and pointless, I don't even know why I do them.  It's probably because I'm too lazy to think for myself.  I could have done one short intense workout, and it would have been more productive than the 7 hours I spent in the gym today, and then I wouldn't have been an ungrateful bum who sacrificed recovery for a stupid pointless class.  Obviously I don't care about myself if I could make a choice this stupid.  Didn't I know that skipping meetings for workout is self sabotauge?  obviously I don't care at all.  I pretty much blew it.  You know this is a relapse, right?  This is pretty much the same as if you ate out the grocery store, and puked it all up.  You're not just a bulimic and compulsive eater, you know.  You're an exercise addict, and a relapse in one thing is a relapse in everything.  Is there anything else you want to screw up now that you've signed your own death warrant?

It was weird being so aware of it the whole time...letting myself get invested in old methods of validation, and then seeing how quickly it turned on me.  Shut up!  This night was a miserable failure.  There is nothing to be learned here.  You've already given up.  You suck.  It's really scary how easily ED can turn the tables on me and beat me up once I've given him control, and it was amazing to observe how he tempts me, twists my thoughts, changes my actions, and then turns on me.  Maybe you would have been OK if you'd gone to the meeting, but you missed it!  Way to go.  the speaker probably told the most amazing story ever that would have changed your life and there was probably an important business contact that you were going to meet there, and you blew it, just because you stayed for this stupid class, where you learned NOTHING!  Really?  Oh my gosh I know!  It sucks!  But maybe it's good that I realize how much I would have liked to go to the meeting.  I mean...I did learn a lot about this process, and why it's so important that I don't succome to the temptation of ED.  Even if he's pushing me towards a really good activity, if any part of me is feeling rebellious and defiant, it's probably important...at least for now, to make the recovery choice.  Sometimes it's really hard, but if I give the power to ED, that's the one thing i can count on.  He will always let me down.  Shut up!  This was a lose-lose situation, and you lost.  There's no lesson.  You wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out even if there was.  You just suck, now shut up and be miserable.  Yeah-right- except that I actually did learn something, and I think it's going to be really valuable in the future.  I might even be able to share it with others who will find it useful.  I would have loved to be at the meeting, but the lesson I learned by missing it may wind up being even more valuable.  Ha ha.  I learned something.  ED sucks.  and he's not me.