I feel really uncomfortable, and I know that's OK, but it's well....uncomfortable.  I'm exhausted.  I've been too tired to get ready for bed for 4.5 hours now, and have had 2 meals since then.  And I have to be honest.  the second one came a little too soon after the first, and they were both a little compulsive.  I don't know what I'm trying to hide from...fear of new experiences and of same old routine; fear of overexcitement and of boredom...it sounds like i'm having fear about either extreme, but am uncomfortable being in the middle.  I'd rather be afraid and excited on an extreme than bored and uncomfortable in the middle, but the middle is what I'm seeking - balance.  As much as I know it's good and necessary for me, I don't like it.  I think i like the results that are produced by balance ... maybe? but i'm not sure.  it all sounds so medium and average.  I'm just too tired to think right now.  maybe i'll actually go to sleep now.  i sure need it.

rational though...what!?

so i just had the most absurdly, uncharacteristic, rational thought...I was craving something to eat.  I was imagining all the possibilities for my next meal.  I had been fantasizing about it since I finished eating my last meal.  It was almost time finally, but nothing seemed like enough.  If I planned out the perfect meal, then I would come up with something entirely different that I simply had to have that wasn't any better...just different.  but then I would feel deprived of the first idea...I knew I could manage choosing one, eating it, and stopping, but would I really even enjoy it?  I realized that I would spend the entire meal fretting about how I would feel when I'd taken the last bite, and had nothing left.  I wouldn't enjoy any of the bites in between.  what could I do?  "Maybe if I write for a little while before my meal, I'll be less compulsive, make a healthier choice, and enjoy each moment of it more anyway."  Wow!  where did I get that!?  I don't know, but I'm doing it.  I had wanted to eat in front of the movie that just came on netflix: "the 5 people you meet in heaven".  I was gonna zone out, and not be present for any of the meal.  I think I want some time to zone out, but it will be more satisfying if I'm not eating while I'm doing it.  I can't decide if I want to eat in front of the movie or not.  I really have a problem with eating while doing nothing.  I always want to have something else going on...checking e-mail, talking to people, reading, or of course watching tv.  I've actually been doing good with that during breakfast.  I do pretty much nothing while i eat breakfast.  I say my mealtime prayer...and pay attention to my fullness.  I don't do that with my other meals.  I load my plate, and eat until it's gone.  It's always a fairly reasonable portion size, but it's certainly not mindful eating.  I really don't want to do that for dinner!...i mean i do.  I don't want to have to stay conscious while i'm eating!  but hmmm...i guess it's a tradeoff...I can tune into my body, shut out the distractions, and actually enjoy my meal, or I can put my mind elsewhere, disconnect, and miss out on the enjoyment of eating.  I don't think I ever really made the connection between the enjoyment of a meal, and being present and conscious for it.  That's probably because what I was craving was not the food- it was the time to check out and disconnect.  Perhaps if I promise myself time to check out in front of the movie with some nice bottled water or hot tea, I can be present for my meal...I do want to do that...but I still want to have some distraction in front of me.  I just feel like eating without multi-tasking is such a waste of time.  or is that just an excuse?  I can't quite wrap my mind around it yet.  But if I actually do this- if I sit down in the stillness, and eat my dinner, this will be the hugest example of contrary action know to me. 

 I don't want to do it.  Now that i've considered it, eating without the movie in front of me...just being there with me and the food...sucks all of the fun out of it.  I still get credit for contrary action just for writing before my meal, right?  Maybe I could make my dinner, bring it outside, and have the first few bites out there.  then if it's not satisfying, I can bring it inside and watch the movie while I finish it.  I'll even get the movie started and paused right at the beginning so that all i have to do is come in and sit down.  I think i can do this.  I want to take a few minutes to pray for the willingness, or something, then I'll go prep my meal.

to weigh...or not to weigh

I'm so tired.  But I had a little run-in today that I should touch on really quickly.  I ate a salad at 3 pm, and meant to have dinner at 6, but only had time for a few sips of a protein drink.  thought I'd have something on the way to this formal event, but was running late.  Figured i'd eat when i got there, but there was no food.  On my way home at 11pm (yes that's 8 hrs without eating) I realized that now would be the perfect time to weigh myself.  I never go this long without eating!  i probably weigh way less than usual now!  I haven't weighed myself since July, and that's a good thing, but on that ride home, I went through all the possible reasons that I needed to weigh myself.  I have lots of good reasons, but I considered the possibilities.

a. I weigh less than I expected, and use that to validate myself

b. I weigh what I expect, which makes me average to OK

c. I weigh more than I would have guessed, and wonder how I can work so hard and still fail at life

In all three cases, I gain a reference point for judging myself, and become more inclined to measure and attempt to control my body.  In all three cases, I have shifted the focus where it shouldn't be, and have surrendered to ED rather than God.

I didn't weigh myself.  I don't know how much I weigh.  I feel really thick and a little pudgy right now, but I don't know how much of that is just the distorted filter that sometimes falls over my eyes.  

Grattitude

I have that bubbling full, boiling over with happiness feeling right now -  that feeling you can only get from true human connection.  I love my roommates, and I love my friends.  I love when you risk something...put yourself out there, and get back nothing but love.  When you put an arm around a friend, and get a hug back.  When you ask for help getting to a meeting, and get a ride.  When you put your feelings out there, and get love and warmth right back.  Today had its ups and downs, but I feel so alive and fulfilled right now.  Everything passes in its time, but right now, I can enjoy this moment, and really, that's the only thing that matters.

I'm also grateful for:

my new phone

my new phone service

my free dinner

puppies

red

kung fu

trees

hot sunny days

stars

my sheets

my bed

OA

Nature

star wars

acting class

my computer

opposable thumbs

mountains

my mom

halloween

sleep overs

cottage cheese

God

my sponsor...I need to call her!

my blog

my check list

and the miracle that for 4 weeks, i have stayed off of my right leg!!! and that I'm willing to take even longer if that's what my body needs.  seriously!  I care that much about my health!

I don't know what I need to write, but I think I need to.  I am feeling a little overwhelmed.  I have a ton of errand type things to do.  changing phone plans, checking health insurance, dentist, apts, and my new agent just gave me a ton of homework.  I was frustrated in class today.  I don't mind being injured that much when I'm given other things to do.  When I get my own little assignments, so that I feel like I'm still making progress, but today, they all did things that i really can't safely do.  I mean, I could, and I wanted to, but I can't seem to do anything halfway, so I ended up going a little too far, and had to just stop all together before I actually did damage.  

I know what i'm self conscious and upset about now.  I didn't stick to my food plan today.  I feel like I overate at 2 meals today.  Nothing serious, and I may have actually needed that much food.  I'm not sure, but instead of setting it out on a plate, I decided to eat one thing for lunch, but snacked on another while I was preparing the meal.  the snack turned into something large enough to qualify for a meal in and of itself, and then I ate the planned meal anyway.  I brushed it off and didn't worry about it.  Tonight, however, I planned on having my fruit and cottage cheese mixture for dinner, but changed my mind, and had a leftover salmon and veggi omlette "instead".  I left myself the option to have a little something else if I wasn't satisfied after the omlette, which already violates the food plan.  In order to protect myself from eating compulsively, I place everything I plan on eating in front of me before I begin.  I don't have to finish it, but if i want the option to eat it, it has to be out, measured, and on the plate before I begin.  but it wasn't.  I left it wide open, and after the omlett, I though I might be physically satisfied.  I wasn't sure, but I was sure that i wanted something more, and that I had said I could have something else.  So I made a big bowl of the cottage cheese mixture.  It was compulsive, and that was 2 double meals in one day.  I'm not beating myself up about it, but I did say a prayer before bed for the willingness and ability to return to the safety of the food plan.  Maybe it's good that I'm getting the confidence to attempt independence from the food plan and more reliance on intuitive eating, but I think i got ahead of myself, and that's dangerous.  I don't think I'm quite ready, but I learned from the experience, and 2 semi-large meals are not going to make me fat.  I don't know how to spell omlate. what the heck.

i'm still feeling a little disconnected too.  I want stronger more consistent ties to my friends and mentors.  I want to be more present and connected to people I love.  I'm feeling that spiritual hole.  Maybe that's why i was eating kinda crazy today.  I guess that means I pray more, right?  eh-  ok.  I'll try it.

Clearing my Head

I know I'm tired, but I can't sleep right now.  I haven't written today, and I have a million partial thoughts circling around in my head.  I think they're going to keep me awake until I organize them a little.  Tomorrow I have to go to my 2 classes, and find out if I'm getting my meditation lesson...and if so, where and when.  I have a marketing meeting with my new agent in the afternoon, and I need to bring pictures.  So I have to go to kinkos or something to get the negatives put on a disk so we can look at them.  i'll need to leave my house by 2:25 to get there on time, so I should be back at my house getting ready by 1pm.  Class finishes at 10:30, so I can run errands then:

-deposit checks

-negatives to disk

-hair

-mail mom's present

I feel like I'm missing something, but I don't know what it is.  Oh-well...maybe I'll remember later.

I've done a good job of letting my body recover this weekend.  I was really tired and sore yesterday and this morning, but I'm feeling a lot better now.  I played at the beach today, and had a peaceful lunch by myself in the rafter type things under the boardwalk.  I like it up there.  it's about 15 feet above the waves, and 8 feet under the fishermen.  In the middle of the day, the sun shines on the planks I sit on, and sometimes the waves crash into the huge wooden posts holding me up, and splash me.  Then I took a long nap in the sand, and read a chapter of a fantasy type book, and went off to play with the acrobats.  It's weird.  I love it there, and I always have.  It was the first place I visited when I came to california, and all the people there love doing the same things I do, and we all have so much in common...but I always feel like a little bit of an outsider- like I don't really connect or fit in.  I'm not sure if I always felt that way there, or if it's more of a recent development, but most conversations I have there feel short and superficial.  It frustrates me since I've been working so hard at staying connected and being present, and you'd think those would be the people I'd connect most easily with.  I think maybe it has something to do with the fact that activity used to be my primary way of connecting.  I didn't know how to open up verbally or identify my feelings, so I felt most connected to other people who expressed themselves through physical activity.  Since I've been going through this intense growth period, I've been putting way more emphasis on the emotional stuff, and realizing how empty the physical stuff is.  I think that's just another side of my black and white thinking.  I don't have to figure it out now.  Maybe it's just a phase.  I just feel like such a shallow jerk when I'm there.  I go there wanting human connection, and fun in the sun, but all I can focus on is "what can I do."  Rings, balancing, bars, swimming.  Everyone else is friendly and knows my name, and runs up and says hi, and gives me a big hug...but I don't remember half of them.  I look through them as they introduce themselves, and end conversations quickly to get another turn on some apparatus that will probably damage my knee.  Is it just habit?  what a horrible habit.  I think it's part of the old mentality that I have to train hard constantly.  Get in the zone, and don't let anyone interfere.  I used to be so hell-bent on learning more and more new skills, but I was to exhausted to really get anything out of any of it.  I'd try, get frustrated, and search desperately for something new that I could handle learning.  Something different that could hold my attention long enough to burn a few calories.  I was already so ADD, that I couldn't handle people adding to the distractions.  "Stop talking, and get away from me, so that I can abuse myself properly!  How can I disconnect enough to thoroughly drive myself into the ground if you keep asking me to be present!?"  I guess the more tired I am when I go there, and the more I intend to relax, the more likely I am to simply fall into old habitual thought patterns.  Being present requires a lot of initiative on my part, and when I'm tired, how can I expect to charge ahead with new emotional challenges?  I wasn't thinking, so my tired brain searched for the most instinctive way to fulfill my heart- the old ineffective way: find the most fun interesting activity, and do it.  I feel a little better about it now that I put it all in perspective.  

Do I have anything else to think about that's keeping me awake?

I ate a protein bar today at the beach.  I generally don't think they're good for me.  I struggled with those a while ago.  I find them really addictive and not very satiating, but I wanted one, I thought I could handle it, and there weren't really any better options at the time.  It was actually fine.  I didn't enjoy it that much, but it was good.  I didn't want another.  It had more sugar than I'm really comfortable with, but it didn't seem like a big deal.  I got hungary somewhat soon afterwards, but I waited until my foodplan said it was appropriate, and was lucky enough to receive an outreach call during the last 15 minutes before my meal, while I was looking for something to do to keep my mind off of eating.  It was cool.

I've been having a lot of interesting dreams lately, but i didn't write them down.  Last night, I was in an old deserted jurassic park type of theme park with...someone.  I don't remember who, but i think we were younger.  and we had to climb down a tree?  and I think we were hiding out in the rafters of a gymnasium or something.  Then in the second part, there were all of these army guys looking for a bunch of us.  I don't know why, but we were all hiding, and they were tracking us down.  I started out in this old house that looked like it belonged to a grandmother.  They found me, and I took off running, and got just far enough ahead to hide again, but they found me again.  I made it to the roof, and was leaping from roof top to roof top, and one of my instructors was there watching me leap onto a wall, shaking his head at me for endangering my injured knee.  I felt guilty, but they had machine guns!  I was running for my life.  Some part of me knew they wouldn't shoot though.  I think they were supposed to bring me in alive.

sad

I'm feeling down tonight.  really sad and lonely.  I think it's mostly lonely.  At first I thought it was because I'm always alone-always on my own agenda-never making time for people-destined to be isolated.  And then I thought about how I felt on monday and tuesday.  I had journaled about how happy, fulfilled, and connected I felt.  Last Sunday I spent quality time with new friends, and felt like part of the group.  I'm finding friendship with training partners and coworkers.  The gap between friends (found either in program or thousands of miles away) and work/training/daily life was closing.  I've made friends in my gym, and recruited others who were already friends to join me at my gym.  I'm venturing out on social events with people from work and training.  I've been less lonely this week than ever!  Why would one afternoon and evening alone cause me so much pain?  My mom suggested that I curl up with a good book, and enjoy the night alone.  I can't!  I thought.  I need people!  Part of my recovery is learning to be social, and I got invited to go partying with some really cool really fun people from work that I've been wanting to hang out with.  I want to go, but it's so late!  I don't want to go out at 10 pm.  I don't want to drink.  I'm injured, and shouldn't dance yet.  plus I don't feel like it.  But they invited me, and if I don't go, then I'm failing at recovery.  I'm supposed to be learning to connect with people, and if I say no to them AGAIN, they may not invite me again.  They'll think I don't like them, and I won't get another chance.  My mom reminded me of the reality that I will have another chance, I obviously don't want to go, and if I really want to hang out with them, I can organize something on my own and invite them.  Take initiative.  Good idea Mom.  She's full of them.  I began brain storming.  Who else can I hang out with so that I can still feel loved and fulfilled and successful in recovery...lol...does that sound as compulsive and codependent to you as it does to me?  It's filling one addiction (food and exercise) with another (love and attention).  It's really cool that this time I was able to recognize it (with the help of some motherly advice) for what it was: that same spiritual hole.  I've been so busy and filled up this week with activities, friends, work, and validation that I simply didn't need my higher power.  I relied on all those tempting but unreliable outside sources, and when they faded (as they always do) I was left with a gaping hole where I should have been keeping my higher power.  So tonight I get to reconnect to that.  I took a few short minutes lying outside on a bench looking up at the palm trees against the sky.  I may play my ukulele by the pool later or meditate in a tree in the park on my way home.  But tonight is for me.  Tonight is for my higher power.

and I just made amends to the guy behind the desk at the gym who offered me a smoothie again.  I had snapped at him for asking me twice