Slip? Uh oh.

Ya know, you'd think after that last little revelation, things would have picked up, but i had a kinda strange reaction.  I threw up.  It wasn't really intentional.  My stomach was hurting, and i kept burping violently, but i had to get ready to leave to lead a meeting.  I was so uncomfortable going to lead a meeting after the kinda excessive emotional eating I had done earlier that day, but I got up and started trying to move and work some of the air and crampiness out of my stomach.  I was in the shower, and these burps were just exploding out of me.  I kept massaging my stomach to try to help work stuff out.  I twisted, and bent, and leaned over, and opened my mouth, and threw up.  I stood up in a little bit of shock, and debated whether it was OK.  What if I leaned over again?  I threw up a significant amount 2 more times in the next minute.  I didn't force it.  I just leaned over and burped, and allowed my body to get rid of some of the crap that was upsetting my stomach.  I felt better, but I knew there was a lot more that I could get out if I tried.  Suddenly the fear struck me, and I cried.  I finished my shower and dried off.  My stomach still hurt, and I knew it wouldn't be hard to throw up if I actually tried, but I don't do that anymore.  And it didn't feel like it used to.  not at all.  I used to make the decision to throw up halfway through, or even before the binge.  This time, there was no decision.  There wasn't even really a binge.  At no point during my extended snack did I say to myself "well, I already blew it, might as well keep going."  There was a point where I thought i might be full, and I waited a few minutes, but not feeling any discomfort, I chose to eat more.  When I finished eating, I became slightly aware of some minor discomfort from fullness.  This is very different from the old binges where I used to continue eating even after I felt like I was going to explode, and try to stuff more in so that I could throw up.  This time, I recognized minor discomfort, closed up the unfinished package, and put it in the cupboard.  Only later did it churn my stomach into terrible cramping.  the throw up was accidental, and not until 3 hours later after I made phone calls, took a nap, did some writing...my next meal was a little late, because my stomach still hurt, but I'm pretty much back to normal life.  I feel a lot better having written about it. coming clean.  and i'm starting to feel really excited to see the guys at work tomorrow.  I've been stressing about it so much that I forgot how much fun i'm going to have!  I love my job, and being challenged, and i love these guys.  I look up to them soooo much, and they're so good at what they do, and at teaching.  If I can't do something, I'll get to learn.  It's actually really really exciting.

I've been feeling really self conscious about working with some guys I used to know.  I'm going to see them for the first time in a year tomorrow, and I don't know how to interact with them.  In the back of my mind, I know they're going to wonder why I haven't improved, and why in some ways, I'm even rusty at the things I was better at then.  Especially since they were already so much better than me, I've been feeling really scared about having to explain why i'm not better.  Of course, I have some really freakin' good reasons.  really good.  In fact, if any rational person heard half of the reasons, not only would they accept them; they'd probably be shocked at how well I've managed to maintain the skills I still have.  I really haven't lost that much, and in all honesty, I'll probably be back at the same level I was within another month, and then I'll be on the way up again.  but that's all future and guesswork, and therefore beside the point.  What I realized a few minutes ago is that the half explanation I plan on presenting to "the guys" if they question me will probably be fully satisfactory to them as long as I deliver it with confidence and acceptance.  The only person who still seems incapable of accepting me where I am is me.  When I tell my story, I sound like I have something to hide, because I feel like I do.  I sound like I'm using petty excuses for being lazy, because I feel like I am.  I've had major compounded injuries that prevented me from training to the best of my ability.  I've been in eating disorder inpatient treatment where I was allowed only 1-2 hours /day to workout, and I didn't have any of my usual gyms, coaches, or equipment.  Even when I returned home, over each workout hung the threat of relapse into self harm and reinjury.  I've had to learn a whole different way of looking at the world and motivating myself.  These are life lessons that may have slowed my physical progress temporarily, but in the long run does nothing but improve it.  in every way.  But still a part of me says "there was nothing wrong with the top half of your body!  You could have been doing all kinds of crazy upper body workouts- bars, rings, weapons, acrobatics, aerial stuff...just because one entire leg has been incapacitated doesn't mean the rest of your body is off the hook.  you were just looking for an excuse!"  but that's not my voice.  I thought I had squeezed that voice out of my head in most things, but there he is again.  it's ED.

Fighter

Today, someone told me "you never really know a person until you've seen them fight".  I think the basic idea was that people behave civilly and act a certain way so that they appear to be nice good people, but you don't really really know them until you've seen how they react when they've been backed into a corner, and the pressure's on.  It made me wonder...what does my fighting style say about me?  Not that I really fight, but I do spar on occasion, and don't I argue in a similar way?  To be completely honest, I feel inadequate at both.  I feel like my growth has been stunted, and although I have all the tools I need to be exquisite, I'm behind all of my peers.

     When I was a little kid, I had a crazy temper.  I would get sooo mad, like my chest was going to explode, and then I would unleash whatever chaos I was capable of, inflicting pain and punishment on anyone within my reach.  I would be nice as long as i knew I was winning - in control, but if that was threatened, I would be blinded by my fury, and I'd lose all control, just like many people do when they get hit in a fight.  By the time I was 10, I learned how detrimental this was to me and my cause.  Once I lost control, I never got what I wanted, so I began trying different tactics.  

     Arguments with my brother usually took a similar course.  We argued, he refused to understand that I had clearly won; I lost my temper, and attacked him; I got in trouble, and he got the last laugh.  Even after I learned to control my temper, and defeat him with my superior logic and 12 year old comebacks, I got in trouble.  I insulted him too cruely, and he was younger, so it wasn't fair.  He would start an argument, I would respond cooly, and I would get in trouble.  My only defense was to completely ignore him.  There was no acceptable response.  Even clever sarcastic retorts were punished.  Thus, I was conditioned out of my natural defensive instincts.  I now find myself incapable of participating in friendly teasing or trash talk, and when someone throws a kick or punch at me, my instinct is to demonstrate instantly that I have no capacity to attack, am incapable of and unwilling to defend myself, and they are hurting me, thus putting myself in the position of my little brother from younger years, who always got the last laugh.  Wow.  I didn't realize that was why I was doing that.  When I feel like I stand a chance, I stay present, but when the odds seem insurmountable, I stop fighting.  I shut down, and give up.  I don't like that.  I like to think of myself as someone who overcomes everything and works harder than anyone, but it's true.  I will work my butt off to achieve the impossible if I Know I can do it, but once I accept that I can't, I drop everything.  I'm so focused on the destination, that I lose sight of the value of the journey.  I think I give up too easily.  I fight with everything I have as long as i know i stand a chance, but how many times have I cut my losses, and thrown in the towel?  I think there's something so admirable about fighting til the end even when you know you've already lost...like in "300"  but that's not very balanced, is it?  I don't know what's right or wrong, but when i give up and refuse to attack in sparring, that doesn't feel right.  it just feels hopeless.  it further stunts my growth, and when a friend jokingly trash talks, and I ignore them, I'm isolating myself, further ingraining that conditioning.  I have to risk falling on my butt to learn how to attack, and risk looking like a fool so that I can hang with my friends' playful trash talk.  It'll take a long time.  and that's ok.

    

now i got it.  i know what i'm really upset about.  I love hearing how much i've changed since program.  in a way, it's good that i'm learning new ways to love and validate myself besides quantifiable success, but it's not good that so much of my self worth is tied into other people's perception of my progress in recovery.  yes- focusing on recovery is great.  but my attitude right now shows lack of acceptance of myself as who I am.  It say "i'm only ok if i'm better than I used to be, and if that difference is significant enough for you to see it and be impressed."  I asked my brother this afternoon if he could see the difference.  "from what?" he asked.  he had no idea what i was talking about.  it hadn't occurred to him that my whole way of life has been transforming drastically for the past year - that i've uprooted the core of my beliefs about how the world works and how i fit into it.  I swear i'd talked to him about this.  Now, granted, there's no reason that he should be able to see a difference.  I've probably seen him 4 times since i left for college 6 1/2 years ago.  I began my eating disorder about 5 years ago, and right now, he's been here for slightly over 24 hours.  how on earth could i expect him to see a difference?  and then i started behaving ... well ... like a spoiled child, which is probably exactly how he remembers me from when we were really little...before i learned to stuff everything and behave like the perfect child.  So to him, this probably looks like backward progress, or at best, just the same old me.  I hated not having all kinds of enlightened recovery to flaunt, and even though i shouldn't be doing this just for attention and admiration from other people, there's more.  I'm also mad at myself for not being better.  I'm mad at myself for not accepting life on life's terms or for being incapable accepting where I am right now.  I really hated myself a few minutes ago.  I feel a little better now that i've gotten some of this out.  it was really bubbling over.

rage

I am so irrationally angry right now.  I can't stand it.  I was storming around my room screaming silently and trying to clean up because the filth is driving me crazy.  my roommates have piles of crap all over the apartment.  the dogs are everywhere.  my brother reeks of smoke.  my room is a mess.  i can't clean up.  i can't think.  I couldn't cope.  I put on my running shoes.  It's after midnight, and 2 hours ago I was exhausted.  but I had to run.  I HAD TO.   yes this is compulsive.  yes- i'm numbing feelings that are too much to handle.  Yes-it's overtraining because I already worked out for 3 hours this morning and 3 hours this evening, and i don't freakin' care.  I'm so mad i can't stand it.  and i don't know for sure what it's really about.  Here's what happened...

My brother's visiting, and I wanted to do something fun and get out of the apartment, so we got reservations to see a comedy show.  We were running late, and had to get dinner.  I was already an hour late for dinner according to my food plan.  Maybe that's part of why I was craving something kinda iffy.  i kinda wanted chinese food.  we dashed into the grocery store to check out the salad and hot food bar.  We'd grab it to go, shove it in my bag, and sneak it into the club so we could eat during the show.  Is that unusual?  i dunno.  I've never been to a comedy show...or anything really.  but the food there sucked!  it was all crap.  disgusting.  "come on!"  I dragged my brother out, and we ran...yes...ran around the block to panda express.  I used to binge there, and I wouldn't do anything like that now.  we were just getting dinner, but it is kinda ... i dunno... triggering?  a sign that i'm not treating my body with respect and care?  that I'm paying more heed to my cravings than my health and well being?   all of the above, but I was in a bit of a frenzy.  we only had about 8 minutes til the show started.  well we got there with a minute to spare, and they had to check bags at the door.  They wouldn't let us bring the food in.  They require you to order off the menu.  I considered leaving right then - just going straight home, and eating our panda express junk food in front of the tv.  maybe it's because it had been close to 6 hours since my last meal, and I was tired and hungary, but I got into that zone again.  the one where i'm just ... tense, shaky, trembley, nervous, scared, frustrated, confused, trapped... i'm just in a mood where i can't connect with anyone.  i don't want to.  it doesn't matter where i am, who i'm with, or what's going on.  i'm not gonna connect with it or enjoy it.  I HATE when i get like that.  I wanted to punish the guard and the ticket people for doing this to me.  (i know.  it's retarded.)  I wanted to tell them through tear streaked eyes, and sobs that I have an eating disorder, this food is part of my food plan, I NEED to eat it slowly inside during the show, and THEY are responsible for triggering this panic attack, and should feel horrible, and let me do whatever the hell i want...not that that's going to make up for it, because they've already ruined the evening beyond repair.  But I couldn't say, or even believe that, because it's not like I had an organic salad with cage free chicken and no dressing in that bag.  I had freakin' syrup coated, msg ridden fast food that I already felt guilty for buying.  and i didn't want to just leave.  I kinda wish i had, except that then i would have eaten the panda express...now it's sitting in the fridge, and i think it should go to hell for being heinously disgusting, but this is just another frustrating case of " i tried to go out and be fun and social, but i find this shit lame, boring, stupid, and I feel like an outcast because everyone else likes it and gets it, and thinks it's a worthwhile use of time, when i'd rather be at home sleeping."  and my knee hurts!  and i just want to sleep forever, which means i might not even go to a meeting in the morning because i'm sleep deprived because i feel bad taking a nap during the day when my brother's only visiting for a few days, but i'm so tired.  and so angry.  and i had to order this "cali wrap" which sounds healthy, right?  well it wasn't!  it was a freakin burrito with rice and cheese and sour cream and it wasn't even good.  i don't know whether to be mad that it was small, unsatisfying, and as far as a full meal goes, probably counts as restricting, or to be pissed that it was so full of carbs and fat, and disgusting greasiness.  I don't know if i'm hungary or have indigestion from the shit food, or if it's just nerves and pent up emotions churning in my belly.  i just hate things right now.  ugh.  poor brother...confused on the couch in the dark, waiting for me to calm down.

Venting

i hate holidays.  i'm mad at the clock for moving too fast and at the world for being late...at m. u. for probably wanting me to be at the gym at 7 am, but for not being clear, so i don't know, but I have to be there just in case, and I may get there, and find out that I didn't have to get up at all and I could have been sleeping, and i'm mad at the other people who won't show up which leaves me alone with my weirdo pervert "coach", who will probably decide to have an easy workout day, which makes it seem even more pointless to be there, or he'll make it hard, and I'll be tired so I'll get injured...again!  and I hate stupid parties.  I knew i didn't want to go, but i didn't want to go home or out to dinner, or anything.  I'd gone way too long without a meal, and felt like doing nothing but curling up in a little ball and crying, so I stood alone outside getting colder and colder waiting to have a decision fall in my lap, so I let some stupid arrogant guy convince me to come hang out with his perfectly nice friends, who I refused to connect with, while I ate the low grade, poorly cooked steaks that weren't worth their crummy calories.  I played a retarded game of connect 4, and right after I got cocky and made a huge deal of how he couldn't possibly win, I lost.  Now i'm up too late.  and i have a head ache.  and he kept making stupid comments about how he would lose focus every time I looked at him, because he'd get lost in my eyes or something, and I DON'T WANT HIM TO LIKE ME THAT WAY!!!  I know I obviously have no control over that, but I don't know how to deal with so many awkward compliments, and I HATE dealing with someone else's feelings.  when we have a normal conversation, I feel like he's exactly what i need in my life right now as a friend.  I really need a friend like him, but i don't think he's ever going to be ok with just being a friend, and I'm not ok with that.  his physicality revolts me, and right now, so does his arrogance.  I just want to push him away.  I'll have to process more of this tomorrow, but right now, I'm irrationally mad.  what can you expect when I'm tired and my meal schedule has been so screwey?  oh well.  I'm just praying for God to reveal whatever lessons I was meant to gain from this evening.  ugh.  and I hate that he offers so much help and support that I can't return in the same way, and refuse to return in other ways.  I didn't want to open up to him tonight, because he was offering me more support that I would currently be willing to offer him, and I don't like having a debt that is higher that what I'm willing to pay.  it makes me very uncomfortable.

Tuesday Night Magic

I finally figured out what's so magical about my tuesday night meetings.

Per World Service Guidelines, most OA meetings follow a pretty similar format.  They present similar literature.  People share on similar topics for the same amount of time.  We have the same problems and are seeking the same solution.  "At our very first meeting, we learned that we were in the clutches of a dangerous disease..." ; we hear other people tell our own stories over and over.  And I really can hear so many of my own inner thoughts and feelings in other peoples' shares.  How is it then, that the meetings in Orange County (especially Tuesday nights) can be so exponentially more touching and inspirational?  I've been puzzling over it for almost 6 months now, but tonight it hit me.  CT was sharing...but not about herself.  She had seen such a remarkable change in another member who had just shared, that she had to express it.  She had comforting and congratulatory words for several of the people in the room.  It was a small group, and we all know eachother...even the week old newcomer.  She of course had welcoming words for her.  And not just "welcome to the newcomer."  It was very personalized to both the speaker and the recipient.  What struck me about this share was how deeply intertwined her life was with us.  Our successes and failures meant something to her.  She didn't have generic words of advice.  She heard specifics, related personally to them, learned from them, applied them in her own life, shared that personal experience, and genuinely cared.  I'm sure she has plenty going on in her own life.  She shared a little about that too, but she was so present - so in the moment, that what was going on in the room with us was just what was on her mind when it was her time to share.  Is this cross-talk?  technically... yeah.  probably.  But as the next meeting progressed, and it continued on a larger scale, I began to see how huge its impact was.  We got to hear one Ctln's story through her eyes, but what woman can clearly see the full extent of her own strength and progress?  We're all hard on ourselves, and sometimes can't see just how far we've come.  We got to hear from at least 5 other people not only how much Ctln had grown, but how her growth had touched and inspired them.  Ctln got to see that people care greatly for her, and that she has a huge impact on their lives.  We all celebrated CJ's 1st birthday, and Ax shared that one little statement CJ had made many months ago was now written on her own mirror in big letters.  Kts noticed little subtleties like the absence of a nervous or angry gesture that used to be common place for CJ.  CJ hadn't even noticed that herself.  How amazing to see that people care for you enough to notice these little things?  New comers got to see what it means to have true supportive friends and to love and be loved.  The magic is that we're not just recovering from the same problem with the same goal...at other meetings, we're each trying to recover in the same place at the same time, but on Tuesday nights in Costa Mesa, we're recovering together.  It's a team effort.