Venting

i hate holidays.  i'm mad at the clock for moving too fast and at the world for being late...at m. u. for probably wanting me to be at the gym at 7 am, but for not being clear, so i don't know, but I have to be there just in case, and I may get there, and find out that I didn't have to get up at all and I could have been sleeping, and i'm mad at the other people who won't show up which leaves me alone with my weirdo pervert "coach", who will probably decide to have an easy workout day, which makes it seem even more pointless to be there, or he'll make it hard, and I'll be tired so I'll get injured...again!  and I hate stupid parties.  I knew i didn't want to go, but i didn't want to go home or out to dinner, or anything.  I'd gone way too long without a meal, and felt like doing nothing but curling up in a little ball and crying, so I stood alone outside getting colder and colder waiting to have a decision fall in my lap, so I let some stupid arrogant guy convince me to come hang out with his perfectly nice friends, who I refused to connect with, while I ate the low grade, poorly cooked steaks that weren't worth their crummy calories.  I played a retarded game of connect 4, and right after I got cocky and made a huge deal of how he couldn't possibly win, I lost.  Now i'm up too late.  and i have a head ache.  and he kept making stupid comments about how he would lose focus every time I looked at him, because he'd get lost in my eyes or something, and I DON'T WANT HIM TO LIKE ME THAT WAY!!!  I know I obviously have no control over that, but I don't know how to deal with so many awkward compliments, and I HATE dealing with someone else's feelings.  when we have a normal conversation, I feel like he's exactly what i need in my life right now as a friend.  I really need a friend like him, but i don't think he's ever going to be ok with just being a friend, and I'm not ok with that.  his physicality revolts me, and right now, so does his arrogance.  I just want to push him away.  I'll have to process more of this tomorrow, but right now, I'm irrationally mad.  what can you expect when I'm tired and my meal schedule has been so screwey?  oh well.  I'm just praying for God to reveal whatever lessons I was meant to gain from this evening.  ugh.  and I hate that he offers so much help and support that I can't return in the same way, and refuse to return in other ways.  I didn't want to open up to him tonight, because he was offering me more support that I would currently be willing to offer him, and I don't like having a debt that is higher that what I'm willing to pay.  it makes me very uncomfortable.

Tuesday Night Magic

I finally figured out what's so magical about my tuesday night meetings.

Per World Service Guidelines, most OA meetings follow a pretty similar format.  They present similar literature.  People share on similar topics for the same amount of time.  We have the same problems and are seeking the same solution.  "At our very first meeting, we learned that we were in the clutches of a dangerous disease..." ; we hear other people tell our own stories over and over.  And I really can hear so many of my own inner thoughts and feelings in other peoples' shares.  How is it then, that the meetings in Orange County (especially Tuesday nights) can be so exponentially more touching and inspirational?  I've been puzzling over it for almost 6 months now, but tonight it hit me.  CT was sharing...but not about herself.  She had seen such a remarkable change in another member who had just shared, that she had to express it.  She had comforting and congratulatory words for several of the people in the room.  It was a small group, and we all know eachother...even the week old newcomer.  She of course had welcoming words for her.  And not just "welcome to the newcomer."  It was very personalized to both the speaker and the recipient.  What struck me about this share was how deeply intertwined her life was with us.  Our successes and failures meant something to her.  She didn't have generic words of advice.  She heard specifics, related personally to them, learned from them, applied them in her own life, shared that personal experience, and genuinely cared.  I'm sure she has plenty going on in her own life.  She shared a little about that too, but she was so present - so in the moment, that what was going on in the room with us was just what was on her mind when it was her time to share.  Is this cross-talk?  technically... yeah.  probably.  But as the next meeting progressed, and it continued on a larger scale, I began to see how huge its impact was.  We got to hear one Ctln's story through her eyes, but what woman can clearly see the full extent of her own strength and progress?  We're all hard on ourselves, and sometimes can't see just how far we've come.  We got to hear from at least 5 other people not only how much Ctln had grown, but how her growth had touched and inspired them.  Ctln got to see that people care greatly for her, and that she has a huge impact on their lives.  We all celebrated CJ's 1st birthday, and Ax shared that one little statement CJ had made many months ago was now written on her own mirror in big letters.  Kts noticed little subtleties like the absence of a nervous or angry gesture that used to be common place for CJ.  CJ hadn't even noticed that herself.  How amazing to see that people care for you enough to notice these little things?  New comers got to see what it means to have true supportive friends and to love and be loved.  The magic is that we're not just recovering from the same problem with the same goal...at other meetings, we're each trying to recover in the same place at the same time, but on Tuesday nights in Costa Mesa, we're recovering together.  It's a team effort.  

Friends

Writing before bed feels good.  I'm really excited about my new friend at the gym.  We clicked instantly, and even though we've only know each other for about 3 weeks, we talk with the honesty of ...i dunno.  like we've known each other forever.  We share a lot of moral and philosophical ideas, and are actively working towards the same primary goal of constant presence and living life to the fullest in the moment.  It's so cool talking with him and watching him interact with other people.  We both have naturally picked up on different aspects of this common goal, and we discuss, and learn from each other's example.  He has an amazing ability to find something interesting and meaningful to talk about with every flippin' person who crosses his path.  It amazes me.  Spending time with him is just so fulfilling, and I'm so grateful to have him as a friend.  We have a connection I've shared with only a few close friends and people I've met in program.  Having a few close friends like that in my life who I see and talk to on a regular basis...who know and care what's going on in my life and how I'm dealing with it...who I find interesting and want to know more about, and who I can share fun experiences with...having that gives me such a sense of comfort and security.  It's the feeling that was missing whenever I felt compelled to binge.  Compulsive overeating is like an emptiness that can only be filled with love, but we keep trying to stuff it with food.  Being able to recognize that, and then feel that void being filled with what it was meant to be filled with is the most amazing feeling.  It's times like this that I have to take special note of what it means to me to have friends and a social life of sorts.  Because I've written before on how much I resent the very idea of a social life.  But in reality, it's different for me.  It means having friends who are there for me, and who I'm willing to be there and sacrifice for.  It means having people to talk to, listen to, learn from, share experiences and adventures with.  People who lift you up when you're down, tell you jokes, inspire you, explore, create, play games, share dreams and goals...

whenever I get close to a new friend and have that feeling of fulfillment, I realize how wonderful and worthwhile it is.  whenever i have and excess of down time, and no one to spend it with...no one to talk to... when I realize that i've gotten so busy, and neglected my friendships, and that I have no one really in my life, I'm suddenly struck by a horrible emptiness, and no concept of how to seek out what I need.  It's really hard for me to make such a constant effort to make and keep friends in my life.  I've spent so long prioritizing achievement and activities over people, that it's hard to make that change, but it's so important.  It's especially hard right now since I've got the nazi instructor validating all (or many) of my old ideals, and scolding me for being slow, weak, lazy, not working hard enough, not caring enough, for not dedicating my life to my training... in a way, it's good to see such a dramatic example of where I could have ended up at age 74 if I kept on the road I was on before recovery...actually he's probably a lot better off than I would have been, but it shows me how even if I could have found ultimate success in athletics and career through using my eating disorder, I would have still wound up a miserable lonely human being driven by compulsions for the the rest of my life.  He's a constant reminder of why I must keep working the program, and not just go back to constant over training.  Although that means I constantly get yelled at, and yes ... he yells visciously ... that just means I get to practice filtering the positive and useful statements out of his unhelpful tone.  It's a major growth opportunity for me.  It amazes me too, how he can have so much wisdom (as demonstrated by the ideas in his book), and yet be so incredibly rigid, closed minded, unyielding, uncompromising... it's his way or the highway.  i guess i need to talk more about that later, but i need to get to sleep.  gotta train with him in 8 hours, and i'd prefer not to be sleepy ; )  good night!

Rational Food Choices

I have a head ache.  I'm wondering if I've been consuming too much artificial sweetener.  I don't use packets of it anymore.  I've converted entirely to stevia, which by the way has just been approved by the FDA!  But I've been drinking a lot of these zero calorie drinks..."sparkling ice", "vita rain", "slenderize", and stuff like that with sucralose.  I've also been chewing sugar free gum a little compulsively.  And this morning I had caffeine free tea with that sugar free french vanilla creamer that I used to be totally addicted to.  OK.  I had 2 cups of it.  I'm not beating myself up over this.  I just think it's worth taking note of.  I've been feeling pretty aware of how certain substances affect my body recently.  That's new.  It used to be all about what's good and bad.  What's got lots of fat or carbs or calories vs. what's OK.  But now I'm more able to let go of those judgements, and feel how they affect me physically.  I still don't have a really clear sense of which things make me feel certain ways...like if I eat a meal, I can usually recognize shortly afterwards whether it made me feel better or worse.  Now that I'm eating healthy quantities when I'm hungary and stopping when I'm full, it's no longer a struggle to figure out if I ate too much or too little.  I pretty much eat the amount that I need...mostly.  So whereas before, my stomach usually felt yucky after every meal, because I had been starving up until the point that I overate and stuffed myself, now, I feel good after most meals.  And if my stomach hurts, it's not cuz i ate too much, it's usually because something didn't agree with me.  In many of these cases, it turns out to be something that my doctor confirms I have a slight allergy to.  Even if I have a small or normal sized portion of milk, peanuts, or soy, my stomach will feel full, bloated, and gassy.  If I eat steak or beef, my burps taste like hot dogs, and it grosses me out.  Most of the time, I decide that the unpleasant burps are not worth the enjoyable taste, but every now and then it seems worth it.  Caffeine is weird.  When I have it, my stomach doesn't bulge out or anything, but it feels like it's too big for its container, and I have to push it outward to make room for it otherwise it cramps.  The more caffeine I have, the worse it is.  One breakfast tea isn't that bad, but it's enough to notice.  Actual coffee is significantly worse.  So I'm not sure, but I think there's something about breaded...things that doesn't agree with me.  My stomach doesn't feel right after I have fish nuggets or chicken tenders.  yesterday,  I had a "crispy chicken salad", and was feeling it through this morning.  I wasn't really sure if that was what it was.  Sometimes I know it was something in the meal, but was it the bread or the cheese?  A few days ago, I had some cheese fondue and artichoke dip, which also has cheese.  Could it have been the high quantity of cheese that was upsetting my stomach?  or was it the msg in the chinese food I had for dinner?  I think it takes a while to tell, but the important thing is that I'm listening to my body.  I'm feeling it out.  And when I get answers, I don't make rules about it.  I evaluate on a time by time basis whether the benefit is worth the cost.  I feel rational about the decision.  It's cool.  but i still have a headache!  I guess next time I want a drink with artificial sweetener, I'll think about that.  I'm not saying I can't have it again...but is the taste worth the headache...and the side effects of sucralose which researchers have sited as "intense food cravings and depression."  Luckily I'm not feeling those right now, but I certainly did when I was consuming mass quantities of splenda every day!  coincidence?  I think not!

Turbulance

I feel borderline miserable right now.  maybe that's not the right word...tumultuous?  And I don't really want it to pass.  Sure, I could curl up in bed and cry it out, but I don't want it to just go away.  I feel like I have so many confusing thoughts and emotions churning through me, and they're just going to keep bursting out of me incoherently until I organize them and figure them out.  I know...emotions don't necessarily have to be "figured out", but this feels like it does.  Maybe that's just my screwey instincts, but I'm at least going to attempt it.  if it works, great.  my instincts were right.  and if I run in circles confusing myself, then I guess I will have learned through my own experience that emotions don't have to be figured out.

It all comes back to surrender.  It's always a hard concept to adopt.  Who wants to give up their right to control their lives and the universe?  I guess the key is that we never had control to begin with.  We're just giving up the illusion.  But what about the things we DO have control over?  Because we do have the power to make decisions - to say specific things, take certain actions... And what if someone older and more experienced is willing to guide you in those choices - to teach and direct - to point out errors in thought - concepts you've been missing - to give you what you need, rather than what you want - to make you do the things you've been putting off that will make you a better person.  Are they more able to direct your life than you are yourself?  Do they really know better?  Even if they are all knowing (which obviously they're not.  no one's perfect, but they may have much more time and experience than you) , then is it ever wise to hand over responsibility of your life to another person?  I guess I'm putting this too much into terms of absolutes, and maybe it's a good idea as a temporary arrangement in just one aspect of life: the physical exercise that he is teaching me - the training he's been doing successfully for 64 years, has won like 7 world championships at, and has trained 25 other world champions.  The results speak for themselves.  He obviously know more than I do, and can teach me far more than I can learn by making it up myself, but he doesn't want me to turn over ONLY my training and exercise to him.  He wants me to learn the way he did.  He called his coach "master", and literally turned his will and life over to him.  His entire purpose in life was to carry out his master's wishes.  I'm totally not into that.  My higher power is NOT another human being.  I tried that already, and I'm still not 100% over it.  I'm just too willful to let some other human being determine my destiny.  And there's the dicotomy that I'm struggling with.  It's certainly true that no human can be my higher power, but isn't my willfulness the very core of my problem?  the whole reason I'm in program?  And doesn't God put certain people in our lives at the right time to teach us the things we need to learn?  When I latch onto certain words that he uses, and shut down, I get angry and frustrated, but when I can listen with an open mind, I see how much is to be gained by surrendering.  Like today:  I was crying my eyes out, because he kept yelling at me (and now that I think about it, he wasn't really yelling that much.  it was more like reprimanding and lecturing).  He would give me a correction that I didn't understand; I'd try to ask a question, but get yelled at for opening my mouth; I would execute the wrong move, because I didn't know what he wanted me to do; and then he would yell at me for not trusting him, and for holding onto my own ways.  "Your way is wrong, but you keep clinging to it because it's comfortable.  When are you going to let go?  When are you going to understand that I know how to fix you, and trust?"  I knew that!  I know I'm doing it wrong!  It's NOT comfortable.  I totally trust that he knows what he's talking about, I just don't know what the heck he's saying!  and sometimes when I do understand, my body just doesn't make the connection, and I can't execute it yet.  I get frustrated and cry because HE doesn't understand.  ...but maybe he does.  we talked a little afterwards, and he said he understood that.  "Sometimes you don't understand, so you can't do what I ask, but sometimes you DO understand, and still can't do it.  Sometimes you DON'T understand, but you do it right anyway by accident.  You just have to do what I say.  Feel it.  Right now, you don't know the right way when you do it.  We have to try lots of ways until you get it right, and I'm here to tell you when you DO get it right, so you can learn that feeling, and replicate it."  When I think about it in the moment, I get mad, because I feel like his approach to teaching is inefficient and wastes time.  I don't learn well this way, and we could get so much more done if he taught me the way I want to be taught.  But what if I think of this as life training?  If someone is willing to teach me, is it not their right to teach me in their own way?  And whether it's right or not, if someone's been doing something the same way for 64 years, do you really think they're going to change it for me?  Acceptance.  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  Certain things are going to happen that I can't control.  I can beat my head against the wall trying to make him do things my way, but that's really not going to get me anywhere.  I can leave because I don't want to put up with his methods.  Or... I can surrender my preconcieved notions of how things should be done, and try accepting the way they are being done.  He seems pretty certain that his way works, and honestly, he has some pretty convincing evidence to back it up.  Just because I don't like the way someone tells me something, doesn't mean I can't hear and apply what they're telling me.  If someone tells me in a rude and derogatory manner that the building is on fire and I must get outside immediately, would I disregard their warning because I didn't like their attitude?  No.  I would set aside the tone and the insults, and hear the message: The building is on fire.  Get out.  If I am unable to hear the essence of the message due to my own mental blocks, that is my fault as a person.  This is not to say that he has no faults in his method.  Nor am I tearing myself down for being unable to filter out the information effectively.  I'm just recognizing my potential for growth in that area.  The truth is that I have a lot to gain from this arrangement, but there are some practical reasons to keep my reservations.  I've only processed one side of this, and I'll have to come back to the other side later.  Or better yet, I could find my way onto the middle road! 

Mad hurts

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  I am soooo mad right now.  So mad and frustrated, AND my stomach hurts.  Someone told me last week that bulimia is the addiction she associates most with anger, and had never really felt that way.  During my bulimia, I was never in touch with my feelings enough to make that connection, but right now, I can feel it.  The combination of raging emotions, hiccups, and upset stomach makes buried parts of me scream for bulimia.  It's not like I'm going to throw up...I can't say I wouldn't be happy if it happened by accident, but I wouldn't even consider forcing it at this point.  But I do have to release the pressure some way, and I choose writing.  

I'm really frustrated with my current situation.  It's the same one that's been bothering me on and off since I left treatment: the fact that all of my favorite meetings are in orange county an hour away from my house, job, and gym.  and I don't have a car.  The reason it's coming up for me right now is because I've been trying for months and months to find friends here to carpool to my favorite tuesday meetings, and every now and then i find someone who is willing to consider it, but no one ever does.  I knew today would be the same, but I had no idea how I was going to make it work.  I considered a complex web of busses and hitching rides from multiple friends for different legs of the trip, but one girl here said she would be glad to try those meetings with me.  I was over joyed.  I could stop calling everyone in my phone book, and rest assured that I would get to both meetings and the party afterwards.  She called me 5 minutes before she was supposed to pick me up to say that she was too tired to go tonight.  (If you read this, please understand it's the situation-not you-that I'm mad at.)  We have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others, and I don't want anyone to take multiple hours out of their day just to drive me around if it's somewhere they don't want to go!  Ugh.  but I'm so frustrated that I can't go, and I have no idea how I'm going to get to the party afterwards.  If I leave now, I can still make it, but it's so cold, and I don't want to have to ride my motorcycle home at midnight when I can get a ride home with someone from the party, and I'm too emotional to be riding anywhere right now.  I hate when I do this.  I get so preoccupied or emotional that I can't breath right.  Tears fill up my eyes and I gasp for breath.  My chest just heaves like it's going to explode and a little girl keeps screaming "it's not fair!!!!"  I just can't focus on anything.  I just feel like I can't ever count on anyone.  ever.  Everyone always flakes out on everything.  and that's why i have to be able to do everything by myself and always be miserable and alone, and yes I'm over dramatizing, but I hate the world right now and I'm venting, so leave me alone!  ...lol...

I discovered a really quick way to get over things that are upsetting me when i was in NYC a few weeks ago.  I kinda made it up.  If I quickly vent all of my complaints in the most extremely overdramatic way possible, blaming all external sources, and playing the victim, I am able to hear how silly and childish I'm being.  When I try to hold it in, it all feels huge and insurmountable, but when I say it all out loud, making it all sound as bad as possible, I realize that even when I try to make it all sound worse than it is, it's still not all that bad.  then I can move on.  I'm actually kinda over it, and maybe even ready to find a new solution.

Live in the Moment

I just got a little overwhelmed. It's kinda funny. I was away for a while, and came back to realize how bored out of my mind I was with my daily routine. I realized how meaningless my life felt when all I'm doing is recovering (from eating disorders AND physical injuries), and waiting around for a job. I felt like I should be out there looking for work, but I just didn't feel up to it, and I could hardly keep up with my program stuff, so I didn't, and I felt awful about it. What could I do? I prayed... I prayed to accept myself and love myself as I am. I prayed for health and willingness to do whatever it took to get it. I prayed for a solution to my financial trouble in whatever form it may come. I prayed for the willingness to keep working my program, to go to meetings, to take care of myself, and express my needs, to be present, and assert myself, and to be authentically me. Last week, my prayers from months earlier (to be relieved of food obsession) were removed. I mustered up the willingness to ask my parents to send me some money to tide me over, with no idea of when I would be bringing in money again, but they sent everything I asked for, and I was taken care of for the time being. This week, I got hired for a day of work. That's big. It may be only a day, but it's the kind of thing where if I do it well, I'll be in front of all the right people to be working A LOT very soon. So that's great, right? Well, as long as I do it well, and don't get hurt. I've spent a long time trying to heal, and it would be devastating to mess it up now. Not to mention how bad it would make me look. Last night when my friend asked me to submit a picture for the job, I sent it in with some hesitation. I will have to run full speed, perform a trick I haven't done in 8 years, and crash. and do it again multiple times...possibly all day. That's basically my specialty, but can my injury take it? Well, after I sent in my info, I prayed. I trusted (and am trying to continue to trust) that God DOES have my best interests in mind. "If this is something that I can physically handle, and am ready for, please bring the opportunity to me, and if it's something I can't manage without breaking myself, please let this job fall into the capable hands of the person it is meant for." The choice of who this job went to was clearly out of my hands, and no amount of obsessing or finagling on my part could force the job to come to me. This prayer gave me that freedom from worrying about trying to get the job, and it helps a good bit now that I have the job...but doubt and fear have crept in a little. Actually now that I say that it seems a little silly. I know that I'm going to do the job to the best of my ability...yeah. I thought about that for a minute, and there's no way I'm turning down the job, nor will I even consider the idea of doing it halfway. So there's no point in worrying about if I should or shouldn't do it. There is no should or shouldn't. I'm going to do it and go all out, unless some strange twist of fate stops me, in which case, I'm obviously not meant to be there. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that if I do it, I won't get hurt. It's entirely possible that I will, and to some extent, that's out of my hands, so there's no need to worry about that either. I will have 2 hours to practice tomorrow, and prepare as well as I can. ooh! I can look up some videos tonight to get some ideas, and visualize tonight! that's a good idea. That way I will be as prepared as possible.
Now, there's only one more aspect to consider...A person who might be there. Her name was mentioned, and she's the only person I know of who actually hates me. I have so much fear about seeing and interacting with her. I still need to do a lot of writing and talking on that topic to clear my mind about it. I can't control the way she feels about me. All I have to do is let go of the past, and live in the present. Yeah-of course, easier said than done. But If I can just figure out this one part, it will simplify things a lot...not just in this situation, but in every relationship I ever have. I know I hurt her, but I've done everything in my power to make amends. Just because I can't fix the situation doesn't mean I have to carry it with me all of the time. I'm afraid that if I am happy and friendly with her as if nothing ever happened, she will be mad that I don't feel bad enough for what I've done. but moping around with my tail between my legs doesn't do her any good, and it certainly doesn't help me! It is NOT my responsibility to demonstrate how guilty I feel about my mistake 24 hours/day so that she knows how much I regret hurting her. The problem is that I keep thinking I AM responsible for making her feel better. I have to accept that I really don't have any control over how she feels. Going over and over what behavior will help her accept me most is not the answer. The answer is to make the amends (which I did to the best of my ability), and then letting go of the past: living in the present. This idea is terrifying to me. It means not hiding from her if she's there. I just really don't know how she'll behave, but I guess being present allows me to adapt to that in the moment. If we come face to face, I will be polite, upbeat, and friendly. If she is withdrawn, and avoids me, I can accept that in the moment, she doesn't want to interact with me. That doesn't mean I ignore her...I think it just means that I stay out of her way, and devote more of my attention to other people. My roommates seem to do a good job of this. I've always felt like I have to carry negative feelings and events with me. If you yelled at me last time I saw you, I must behave as if you're yelling at me now. this simply isn't true. My roommate and I had a tense moment last night, and when I saw him this morning, i sorta tiptoed around him, thinking that the tension was still there. He greeted me with a tired but friendly good morning as if nothing had happened. It's not that he'd forgotten, it's just that he didn't carry it with him as I had. I immediately let it go, and the mood lifted. It's such a cool concept- living in the moment. I think I'm ready for this. : ) God's amazing... the way you get exactly what you can handle just when you're ready to take it on.

Christmas Cookies

You won't believe what I just did! I went to a cookie making party. I was soooooooooooo scared. SO scared. I don't eat sugar. I stress out if my bran muffin has too much sugar in it. What if I accidentaly lick frosting off my finger? what if they notice I'm not eating cookies and try to shove one in my mouth? What if I have no one to talk to and feel awkward and uncomfortable the whole time, and then give up and eat a cookie, begin a binge, and relapse for the next 10 years? I was about to cry about it, but I've been avoiding things like this for 5 years, and I don't know how I could honestly say I'm recovering if I continued to stifle my social life by refusing to be in the same room with holiday food. So I went. I didn't think I'd really know anyone that well, and didn't have the energy to be super outgoing and social. I've been emotionally drained, and couldn't handle something as demanding as delving into connecting with new people. Not today. I do well when I have an activity to do, so I figured that if I put all of my focus and energy into creating beautiful works of art on these cookies, I could forget that they were food. It worked. Everyone was pretty into it, and my cookies were unanimously voted the best. lol. they were somewhat good conversation starters. I was a little too busy detailing the wings of my angel and antlers of my reindeer to engage in much conversation, but I didn't really feel left out. In fact, I was pretty comfortable, and didn't want to leave. They were really nice people, and I really enjoyed spending time with them. I got that same warm feeling that I experienced last week when I went home to visit family. Which is impressive since I feel like I have so little that I can talk about. I feel like I have so much to hide. They were all friends from work, so I can't really share about my eating disorder, recovery from which has occupied most of my time for the past 7 months. How do you answer the question "what have you been up to?" When I leave recovery out of it, it sounds like so little. I feel like a bum, and I hate talking around it. I used to have so many new activities and skills that I was working on. That's all I would talk about, and it made me sound so talented and motivated...and boring. I hadn't really thought about that before, but it is kinda surface talk, like the weather. I wonder if people got bored of hearing about nothing but skills. I get reminded over and over of WHY I'm going through this extended period of physical and emotional...ok AND spiritual recovery. It's important for me to know how to talk about more than just tricks and the physical things I'm doing. I need to get more adept at askin people about THEIR lives. It's not that I don't want to know. I just feel awkward asking! This is the time for me to learn. It's like I've been backed into a corner where the only topic I'm comfortable discussing has been removed. I can either run away and hide until my topic comes back (I tried that and it didn't work), or I can learn how to talk about a wider variety of things without having someone else to steer the conversation. I need to learn to lead a conversation. to ask questions.
I was scared to come home after. The let down of going from a fun loving house full of people and games to a dreary empty apartment on a saturday night without even my computer to entertain me was a frightening prospect. I'm borrowing my roommate's computer now. but my other roommate are going to see Twilight! I've been wanting to see that forever! It's such a fun normal way to spend an evening, and right now, i'm really glad we're going.

I've said before how I can't understand why my instructor can exercise compulsively for 69 years, and it works for him, but I do it, and I crumble. I thought he was just stronger and more stubborn, but the intent is different. I finally heard it last night. The difference is which part of it we're addicted to. I am addicted to making progress - getting better - improving. This can be in the form of losing weight, getting stronger, faster, more flexible, learning new tricks...as long as I can see that I'm getting better, and have quantifiable proof that I am increasing my worth. Not healthy. Good goals, but not a good thing to have your entire self worth centered in. You can't get better ALL of the time. It's a roller coaster, up and down, and what happens when I get old? Am I going to give up and be miserable once I've passed my prime and begin the downward slope? What about when I'm AT my prime, and can do amazing things, and I'm stronger and faster than I've ever been. Will I be incapable of enjoying it simply because I'm at a plateau? Because there will come a point in my life where I may not be getting better...at least not physically. How can he do it? He's 74, and he trains everyday as obsessively as I do...maybe even more. But he's not subject to the same frustration that cripples my workouts. I get devastated, and sometimes give up because I'm so much "worse" than I used to be, and can't handle the self-inflicted mental abuse. He reached his prime over 30 years ago, and his physical ability is declining, but he loves it. He still loves it. I think it's because he loves the feeling of pushing himself, of feeling the stretch and the burn, the endorphines. No matter what age or fitness level you're at, you're always capable of pushing yourself and feeling that high. Sports and exercise are for keeping you healthy and making you feel good. Not for punishing yourself and perfectionism. I love the endorphines and the games, but I'm addicted to the abuse and validation.

Home is Serenity

It's hard to believe I haven't been to a meeting in a whole week.  It's weird, but I don't feel crazy either.  I'm coming home tomorrow, but in a lot of ways, here feels more like home.  I'm a visitor in someone else's home, but this apartment that i've spent probably a total of 10 days in feels more like any place I've lived in years.  Maybe that's why I don't feel crazy yet.  I guess my eating disorder didn't really manifest until I first moved away from home 6 years ago, and it really took over when I isolated myself from human connections.  This isn't even technically my family's home.  They don't even live in the state, but my mom's best friend lives here.  I grew up with her.  She has 2 daughters near my age, and her home has always been my home.  It's such a friendly, welcoming home.  The doors are unlocked.  The kitchen is open.  I can sleep in the spare bedroom, and borrow clothes from any closet.  When I was little, this family was the definition of cool.  I learned what to like based on them: their music, movies, tv shows, words, mannerisms, shampoo!  They always knew exactly what was "in"...but they loved me as if I was part of the family.  Even though I knew I wasn't cool or up-to-date like they never seemed to notice.  I was just me, and that's how they liked me.  It's always been that way, and this week, I came and moved right back in.  I was visiting, and so was my mom, and I got to see all of my best old friends from my childhood.  the very best best friends.  The ones you never lose touch with.  The ones who -no matter how long it's been since the last visit -it seems like you saw them yesterday.  I had no schedule, and practically NOTHING to do.  there was no pressure, but it didn't bother me here.  And I'm not sure why, but having that connection to home and roots is certainly related, and possibly the entire reason.  I think I've been neglecting the importance of having a nice place to live.  I always just choose whatever location is most convenient, and throw my stuff there.  Then it's not pleasant and homey, and that's starting to ware on me.  I guess being here relieved some of the stress of supporting myself as well.  I feel protected - under parental wings - safe, and taken care of.  When I go back to my crummy apartment, I'm on my own.  I guess that's why it's so important for me to build my support group where I live.  It's time to grow roots.

New York

Hey guys.  I just want to let you know that I'm in New York this week, and my phone isn't working properly, so if I'm not returning your calls, that's why.  Thanks for staying in touch, and I'll talk to you soon.  I am checking my e-mail though!

Dream Analysis: Sky Diving

I've been putting off this dream analysis for nearly a week now.  The memory of it was very clear, and the symbolism jumped out like crazy, but I just hadn't thought about it.  I kept meaning to.  Today, it just hit me in the face, and I knew.  Here's what I think my intuition was trying to tell me:

I was sky diving, and I'd already pulled my main chute.  It had just opened and filled, but I was falling too fast.  I was mere feet above the ground, about to crash.  It didn't feel scary.  I was simply aware, and evaluating how best to land, when R (my instructor who's been my biggest influence and advisor lately) suddenly tells me that I waited too late to pull my chute, and I'll have to go back up to a safe altitude and do it again.  So I kick my legs, and since I'm wearing flippers, I slow to a stop, and start going back up.  I keep kicking until I get to the ceiling of the warehouse (don't ask how I skydove from a plane and got through the ceiling.  it's a dream, remember?)  He's right up there with his scuba suit and flippers kicking with me, and says "there.  this is a safe altitude to pull from."  So I pull, and my chute comes out, but before it can even fill with air, I hit the ground and roll.  Apparently, that was NOT a safe altitude to pull from.

It may not fit all the details, but the main idea I get from this is that I have to trust my own instincts.  First of all, I have to stay aware, and pay attention, so that I don't wait too long to see danger and react.  I frequently get myself into trouble because life keeps moving, and I'm off in my own world.  I'm not aware of my surroundings, either because I'm obsessed with food and exercise, stuck in my head, or burried in some fantasy novel.  Either way, trouble (or the ground) begins to approach, I pass minimum safe altitude, and don't notice until I'm an impossibly short distance from disaster.  My instinct at this point is usually to blame myself, and shove the responsibility into the "able" hands of the nearest authority figure.  I seem to be surrounded by people who "know better" than I do.  And since I got myself into this mess, I lose faith in my ability to get myself out.  But I can't always rely on these outside sources.  I can listen and learn from them, but in an emergency, I've got to follow my instincts.  In the dream, I would not have had a good landing.  I pulled too late, and there was nothing I could do to change that fact.  You can't go back and change the past.  If you try to, you only lose sight of where you are right now.  If I had stayed in the moment, and focused on flaring my parachute at the right time, I would have had a hard landing, but it would have been a landing.  not a fall.  

this analysis fits better than I thought.  I like it.