I don't know what I need to write, but I think I need to.  I am feeling a little overwhelmed.  I have a ton of errand type things to do.  changing phone plans, checking health insurance, dentist, apts, and my new agent just gave me a ton of homework.  I was frustrated in class today.  I don't mind being injured that much when I'm given other things to do.  When I get my own little assignments, so that I feel like I'm still making progress, but today, they all did things that i really can't safely do.  I mean, I could, and I wanted to, but I can't seem to do anything halfway, so I ended up going a little too far, and had to just stop all together before I actually did damage.  

I know what i'm self conscious and upset about now.  I didn't stick to my food plan today.  I feel like I overate at 2 meals today.  Nothing serious, and I may have actually needed that much food.  I'm not sure, but instead of setting it out on a plate, I decided to eat one thing for lunch, but snacked on another while I was preparing the meal.  the snack turned into something large enough to qualify for a meal in and of itself, and then I ate the planned meal anyway.  I brushed it off and didn't worry about it.  Tonight, however, I planned on having my fruit and cottage cheese mixture for dinner, but changed my mind, and had a leftover salmon and veggi omlette "instead".  I left myself the option to have a little something else if I wasn't satisfied after the omlette, which already violates the food plan.  In order to protect myself from eating compulsively, I place everything I plan on eating in front of me before I begin.  I don't have to finish it, but if i want the option to eat it, it has to be out, measured, and on the plate before I begin.  but it wasn't.  I left it wide open, and after the omlett, I though I might be physically satisfied.  I wasn't sure, but I was sure that i wanted something more, and that I had said I could have something else.  So I made a big bowl of the cottage cheese mixture.  It was compulsive, and that was 2 double meals in one day.  I'm not beating myself up about it, but I did say a prayer before bed for the willingness and ability to return to the safety of the food plan.  Maybe it's good that I'm getting the confidence to attempt independence from the food plan and more reliance on intuitive eating, but I think i got ahead of myself, and that's dangerous.  I don't think I'm quite ready, but I learned from the experience, and 2 semi-large meals are not going to make me fat.  I don't know how to spell omlate. what the heck.

i'm still feeling a little disconnected too.  I want stronger more consistent ties to my friends and mentors.  I want to be more present and connected to people I love.  I'm feeling that spiritual hole.  Maybe that's why i was eating kinda crazy today.  I guess that means I pray more, right?  eh-  ok.  I'll try it.

Clearing my Head

I know I'm tired, but I can't sleep right now.  I haven't written today, and I have a million partial thoughts circling around in my head.  I think they're going to keep me awake until I organize them a little.  Tomorrow I have to go to my 2 classes, and find out if I'm getting my meditation lesson...and if so, where and when.  I have a marketing meeting with my new agent in the afternoon, and I need to bring pictures.  So I have to go to kinkos or something to get the negatives put on a disk so we can look at them.  i'll need to leave my house by 2:25 to get there on time, so I should be back at my house getting ready by 1pm.  Class finishes at 10:30, so I can run errands then:

-deposit checks

-negatives to disk

-hair

-mail mom's present

I feel like I'm missing something, but I don't know what it is.  Oh-well...maybe I'll remember later.

I've done a good job of letting my body recover this weekend.  I was really tired and sore yesterday and this morning, but I'm feeling a lot better now.  I played at the beach today, and had a peaceful lunch by myself in the rafter type things under the boardwalk.  I like it up there.  it's about 15 feet above the waves, and 8 feet under the fishermen.  In the middle of the day, the sun shines on the planks I sit on, and sometimes the waves crash into the huge wooden posts holding me up, and splash me.  Then I took a long nap in the sand, and read a chapter of a fantasy type book, and went off to play with the acrobats.  It's weird.  I love it there, and I always have.  It was the first place I visited when I came to california, and all the people there love doing the same things I do, and we all have so much in common...but I always feel like a little bit of an outsider- like I don't really connect or fit in.  I'm not sure if I always felt that way there, or if it's more of a recent development, but most conversations I have there feel short and superficial.  It frustrates me since I've been working so hard at staying connected and being present, and you'd think those would be the people I'd connect most easily with.  I think maybe it has something to do with the fact that activity used to be my primary way of connecting.  I didn't know how to open up verbally or identify my feelings, so I felt most connected to other people who expressed themselves through physical activity.  Since I've been going through this intense growth period, I've been putting way more emphasis on the emotional stuff, and realizing how empty the physical stuff is.  I think that's just another side of my black and white thinking.  I don't have to figure it out now.  Maybe it's just a phase.  I just feel like such a shallow jerk when I'm there.  I go there wanting human connection, and fun in the sun, but all I can focus on is "what can I do."  Rings, balancing, bars, swimming.  Everyone else is friendly and knows my name, and runs up and says hi, and gives me a big hug...but I don't remember half of them.  I look through them as they introduce themselves, and end conversations quickly to get another turn on some apparatus that will probably damage my knee.  Is it just habit?  what a horrible habit.  I think it's part of the old mentality that I have to train hard constantly.  Get in the zone, and don't let anyone interfere.  I used to be so hell-bent on learning more and more new skills, but I was to exhausted to really get anything out of any of it.  I'd try, get frustrated, and search desperately for something new that I could handle learning.  Something different that could hold my attention long enough to burn a few calories.  I was already so ADD, that I couldn't handle people adding to the distractions.  "Stop talking, and get away from me, so that I can abuse myself properly!  How can I disconnect enough to thoroughly drive myself into the ground if you keep asking me to be present!?"  I guess the more tired I am when I go there, and the more I intend to relax, the more likely I am to simply fall into old habitual thought patterns.  Being present requires a lot of initiative on my part, and when I'm tired, how can I expect to charge ahead with new emotional challenges?  I wasn't thinking, so my tired brain searched for the most instinctive way to fulfill my heart- the old ineffective way: find the most fun interesting activity, and do it.  I feel a little better about it now that I put it all in perspective.  

Do I have anything else to think about that's keeping me awake?

I ate a protein bar today at the beach.  I generally don't think they're good for me.  I struggled with those a while ago.  I find them really addictive and not very satiating, but I wanted one, I thought I could handle it, and there weren't really any better options at the time.  It was actually fine.  I didn't enjoy it that much, but it was good.  I didn't want another.  It had more sugar than I'm really comfortable with, but it didn't seem like a big deal.  I got hungary somewhat soon afterwards, but I waited until my foodplan said it was appropriate, and was lucky enough to receive an outreach call during the last 15 minutes before my meal, while I was looking for something to do to keep my mind off of eating.  It was cool.

I've been having a lot of interesting dreams lately, but i didn't write them down.  Last night, I was in an old deserted jurassic park type of theme park with...someone.  I don't remember who, but i think we were younger.  and we had to climb down a tree?  and I think we were hiding out in the rafters of a gymnasium or something.  Then in the second part, there were all of these army guys looking for a bunch of us.  I don't know why, but we were all hiding, and they were tracking us down.  I started out in this old house that looked like it belonged to a grandmother.  They found me, and I took off running, and got just far enough ahead to hide again, but they found me again.  I made it to the roof, and was leaping from roof top to roof top, and one of my instructors was there watching me leap onto a wall, shaking his head at me for endangering my injured knee.  I felt guilty, but they had machine guns!  I was running for my life.  Some part of me knew they wouldn't shoot though.  I think they were supposed to bring me in alive.

sad

I'm feeling down tonight.  really sad and lonely.  I think it's mostly lonely.  At first I thought it was because I'm always alone-always on my own agenda-never making time for people-destined to be isolated.  And then I thought about how I felt on monday and tuesday.  I had journaled about how happy, fulfilled, and connected I felt.  Last Sunday I spent quality time with new friends, and felt like part of the group.  I'm finding friendship with training partners and coworkers.  The gap between friends (found either in program or thousands of miles away) and work/training/daily life was closing.  I've made friends in my gym, and recruited others who were already friends to join me at my gym.  I'm venturing out on social events with people from work and training.  I've been less lonely this week than ever!  Why would one afternoon and evening alone cause me so much pain?  My mom suggested that I curl up with a good book, and enjoy the night alone.  I can't!  I thought.  I need people!  Part of my recovery is learning to be social, and I got invited to go partying with some really cool really fun people from work that I've been wanting to hang out with.  I want to go, but it's so late!  I don't want to go out at 10 pm.  I don't want to drink.  I'm injured, and shouldn't dance yet.  plus I don't feel like it.  But they invited me, and if I don't go, then I'm failing at recovery.  I'm supposed to be learning to connect with people, and if I say no to them AGAIN, they may not invite me again.  They'll think I don't like them, and I won't get another chance.  My mom reminded me of the reality that I will have another chance, I obviously don't want to go, and if I really want to hang out with them, I can organize something on my own and invite them.  Take initiative.  Good idea Mom.  She's full of them.  I began brain storming.  Who else can I hang out with so that I can still feel loved and fulfilled and successful in recovery...lol...does that sound as compulsive and codependent to you as it does to me?  It's filling one addiction (food and exercise) with another (love and attention).  It's really cool that this time I was able to recognize it (with the help of some motherly advice) for what it was: that same spiritual hole.  I've been so busy and filled up this week with activities, friends, work, and validation that I simply didn't need my higher power.  I relied on all those tempting but unreliable outside sources, and when they faded (as they always do) I was left with a gaping hole where I should have been keeping my higher power.  So tonight I get to reconnect to that.  I took a few short minutes lying outside on a bench looking up at the palm trees against the sky.  I may play my ukulele by the pool later or meditate in a tree in the park on my way home.  But tonight is for me.  Tonight is for my higher power.

and I just made amends to the guy behind the desk at the gym who offered me a smoothie again.  I had snapped at him for asking me twice

Peaceful Warrior

Quotes from an amazing movie I just saw called "Peaceful Warrior".  I swear this is my life story

You can live a whole lifetime without ever truly being awake.

slow down.  You might taste something.

Everyone tells you what to do and what's good for you.  They don't want you to find your own answers.  They want you to believe theirs.  I want you to stop gathering information from outside yourself, and start gathering from the inside.  People are afraid of what's inside, and that's the only place their gonna find what they need.

You tell me that you wanna be more than someone who gets up on those rings and performs a well practiced stunt or two.  You tell me you wanna be someone who uses his mind and his body in ways that most people would never have the courage to, and I will train you to be a real warrior.

People are not their thoughts.  They think they are, and it brings them all kinds of sadness.  The mind is just a reflex organ.  It reacts to everything.  It fills your head with millions of random thoughts a day.  And none of those thoughts reveal any more about you than a freckle does at the end of your nose.

Take out the trash. The trash is up here [in your head].  That's the first part of your training: learning how to throw away everything you don't need up here.  The trash is anything that's keeping you from the only thing that matters. This moment here and now.  And when you truly are in the here and now, you'll be amazed by what you can do, and how well you can do it.

 Present: 100% devoted to the experience. 

You're out of your mind, you know that?  It's taken a lifetime of practice.   We want you out of your mind too.  You weren't paying attention.  Even now you're not.  Your mind's filling up again.  You're missing out on everything that's going on.

Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you can come to your senses.

A warrior does not give up what he loves.  He finds the love in what he does.  

A warrior is not about perfection or victory or invulnerability.  He's about absolute vulnerability.  That's the only true courage.  

Life is choice.  You can choose to be a victim or anything else you'd like to be.  

A warrior acts.  Only a fool reacts.

What if I can't do it.  That's the future.  Throw it out.  

There is no starting or stopping.  Only doing.

All of humanity shares you predicament.  If you don't get what you want, you suffer.  And even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer,  because you can't hold onto it forever.  

You don't surrender your dreams.  You surrender the one thing you never have and you never will.  Control.  Accept that you don't control what will happen to you.  That you may or may not compete in the olympics and that you are something exceptional either way.

Chasing gold?  Living in fear that you might fail?  That's what you love?  No! Dreaming about standing up there and winning this thing-of doing what has always felt like I was put here to do.  I've been on a trampoline since before I could ride a bike because I loved it-because it was the first thing that I was sure that I loved...I'm sorry.  I thought i was strong, but I'm not.  Cuz I really tried to give this whole thing up, but I can't.

Life is a mystery.  Don't waste time trying to figure it out.  Keep a sense of humor, especially about yourself.  It is a strength beyond all measure.  Change: Know that nothing stays the same.

Come on!  This is what I was finally ready to see!?  Well the whole trip up here you were excited and happy!  Well, yeah!  because I thought I was gonna see something!  You were like a kid on christmas morning!  I mean you said so yourself.  The whole trip up here you felt good.  because for the past 3 hours I've been waiting to see this wonderful thing.  Well what changed?  that there's nothing here but this rock!  ... The journey.  The journey's what brings us happiness.  Not the destination.

hmmm...so according to my food plan, I can eat a meal now, but I'm not hungary yet, and my stomach feels full or bloated or something.  That's fine (uncomfortable, but fine), as long as I eat before 4:30.  no problem, right?  well, I teach a class from 4:00-5:00, so if I don't eat right now, I'm late.  I may very well get tired, cranky, and hungary during class, and not be present, but honestly, it's gotten late enough that if I eat now, I'll probably be late.  hmmm.  it is a dilemma, because as a compulsive overeater, I don't think it's smart or healthy to eat when i'm clearly not hungary, but if I go too long, I will feel that addiction for starving.  I can't just abandon my other obligations either.  I don't know if I'm really legitimately full, or if it's my head just telling my I'm fat, but this time I think I'm truly full.  This may or may not be a good idea, but I'm going to practice intuitive eating, and listening to my body.  I may or may not be ready, but we'll consider this an experiment.  I'm being accountable.  I will bring my dinner with me, and eat after class.  I will be a half hour late, and it is somewhat premeditated.  but I'm being honest with myself and others, and paying attention to my body's signals.  I'll let ya know how it goes.

Love Letter to Me

i was right.  I'm really really tired.  I can tell by how quickly my mood swings.  I was totally out of it until the brake in our meeting tonight when I got to connect with some people, and immediately everything was wonderful.  Little things were hilarious, and I was on a pink cloud for like 3 minutes before I felt weepy, and by the time I walked out I was about to cry again.  I thought I had a lot to share about, but thinking is so hard right now.  my head aches.  I delayed my 2nd meal today until the latest end of the acceptable time range according to my food plan.  It was an akward morning, and I had to stop in the middle of my workout to eat.  I was craving it, and it was time.  I went back to finish my workout, and just didn't want to.  I had other things to get done, and I knew i was tired anyway.  I felt pretty guilty about it, and was further aggrivated when my instructor made a snyde remark about how he does his workout all the way through.  He can't just stop to eat in the middle.  I told him I didn't like doing it that way either, but today i had to.  I'd been really wanting to do a hard ab workout, but couldn't do it then.  I'd have to save it for later.  I was going back to the gym in the evening anyway.  That's when I found the flat tire, and had my little temper tantrum again.

I'm struggling with my knee.  I think it's swollen again.  One doctor says don't bend it past 90 degrees or do any impact whatsoever.  The other says to stretch (bend as far as possible) for an hour every day.  It hurts to ride my bike and motorcycle right now cuz it's really stiff, and I'm afraid of tearing it again, but I don't know how else to get to meetings.  I hate asking for rides.  I hate being a burden.  I need to go to sleep.  But I promised Karen I'd write myself a love letter tonight, and since I totally don't want to, I know it'll be good for me.  Ugh.

Love Letter to Me:

Dear Me,

You are so freakishly awesome, it's not even funny.  Your incredible abilities, intelligence, determination, and adorable personality shine with a light so warm and bright, no person, circumstance, or eating disorder can hide it.  You overcome incredible adversity with grace and dignity.  You dance to the beat of your own drum, never compromising what you believe to fit in with the crowd.  You are driven to excellence at whatever you choose to do, and always choose what you love.  You fearlessly follow your passion, and courageously search your soul to truly know yourself.  You maintain the highest integrity you are capable of, and work constantly to bring it to an even higher level.  You reach out to others, listening, teaching, sharing, loving, and caring.  You love.  You are loved.  You are an inspiration to many people, and leave a mark on everyone who gets even a glimmer of the real you.  You are so honest, and self aware, so willing to learn and improve.  Your list of accomplishments is breath-taking.  You're beautiful and talented, and that's just the beginning.  You're humble enough to admit powerlessness, and practice acceptance of Life on Life's terms.  You maintain a positive hopeful attitude that is remarkably refreshing in a jaded world.  You have faith in life, people, and a higher power, and are brave enough to turn your will and life over to that power...or at least begin to practice doing so.  You are so fun, so adventurous, so creative, daring, eccentric, lovable, sweet, cute, tough, strong, amazing!, flexible, energetic, honest, moral, generous, kind, silly, focused, powerful, intense, passionate, and and....YOU.  you are so YOU.  and that's why you're loved.  That's why you're great.  And even though forget it frequently, it's always true.  The more you remember that, the more brightly your light will shine through.  As you continuously grow into a more fully actualized person-100% authenticly you, that light will be nearly blinding- undeniable and irresistable.  Trust in yourself.  Believe in you.  You can do ANYTHING.  You've got everything it takes.  All you have to do is let go.  I love you.

Tired

Life's been hard lately.  No.  My attitude has made it hard to cope with life.  Life hasn't changed.  I've just been reacting unproportionally to little things- like Ky says "the situation was a 2, and my reaction was a 10".  She was talking about when she's in her disease, and in the beginning phases of recovery when our coping mechanism is taken away, and we have not yet established new healthy ways of dealing.  I like to think I've moved past that, but I can't expect it to be a perfectly constant straight shot upward.  Even a steady climb is full of bumps and dips.  My acupuncturist explained his treatment to me today.  "We start light, increase intensity, and then pull it back.  Next time increase, next time pull it back.  If you go hard all of the time, the body builds up defense mechanisms, and the treatment becomes ineffective."  I had asked him to just give me the max intensity all of the time.  I could take it!  lol.  I didn't understand that the most efficient way is to go in cycles, choosing when to increase intensity.  "Just like physical training?" I asked him.  "Yes.  If you work out all of the time, and never give time to rest and recover, you break down the muscle, but never build it back up.  You end up losing muscle."  This same concept of moderation that I've been trying to learn about food seems to apply to everything.  If I starve, my body learns to defend against starvation by slowing down and burning fewer calories.  If I run constantly, my body needs a way to rest, and will force me to take that time whether I like it or not.  If I listen to those signals early, and train in cycles, then I can avoid injuries.  It was cool seeing the example in another arena.

But back to today's topic: What am I upset about?  I've  been really sad.  I threw a fit yesterday about groceries, and today when my bicycle got a flat tire.  Granted, they were seriously frustrating, but I could have found a solution quicker if I hadn't been crying hysterically.  And last night, I cried because no one could come out to dinner with me after the meeting.  I felt really lonely.  I didn't know how much I was craving quality time with friends until I couldn't have it.  I can always get someone to come out to dinner with me after the meeting, but not this week.  I've been getting upset about little things today, and big things from the past that I thought I was over.  I've been feeling really guilty about causing the drama that happened in February.  The group I applied for (waiting to hear back on Monday) is having me help with a fundraiser this saturday, and they're putting me at one of the front tables.  "some of the other girls who are signed up to help have drama attached, and we just can't have them in the middle of things.  We know you don't have anything like that."  It's mostly true.  I'm almost never involved in drama.  I hate it, and yet I let it happen in the worst possible place with the people I admire most.  And I have to keep it secret from everyone who could understand it.  I have such fear that the group will find out and lose respect for me, and think that I am the kind of person who sneaks around and stabs people in the back.  If they got any wind of what happened, I don't think they could understand how hard I fought to prevent it, and how largely successful I was in that effort, but the moments and ways in which I failed to fight off certain advances...well they never went very far!  but they were still hurtful, and I can't bear hurting someone else.  It took me almost 2 months to even acknowledge that I too had been hurt by the situation-deeply.  I lost everything I cared about most, but didn't even notice, because I was so crushed by the pain I had inflicted on someone else.  I know it wasn't ALL my fault, but I certainly played a part.  So I've been trying not to use that as amunition to harass myself with, but it's been persistently beating me down, along with the usual feeling of fatness and laziness.  cravings and desire to skip meals are more prevalent this week.  Why?  Honestly, I think it's just because I'm tired.  I feel really sleepy, and I know that ED takes advantage of those weak impressionable times.  I'm still really tired.  but i have to go to class.  I'm thinking about skipping my meeting tonight to get some rest and writing done, but I don't think that's a good idea either.