gotta be honest

Today is kinda a hard day.  I just had a scary borderline meal.  It's amazing how similar it was to a binge, and yet how different at the same time.  It's a good measure of how far I've come in recovery, but also a clear reminder that I am by nature a compulsive overeater, and that my daily reprieve is based on the daily maintenance of my spiritual program.

This morning I decided not to go to my usual workout.  Last night, I considered going to the hospital instead, because my leg hurts...it's weird...i don't know why.  But today it was feeling a little better.  Still, i've been feeling sick and really bogged down lately, and thought I could use a day off.  This is not a normal thing for me.  I'm really not comfortable with making that sort of decision for myself.  There are a lot of things I really wanted to do today that are really important, and I feel guilty about missing every one of them, and i don't know what to do with myself when i stay home anyway.  i have all this stuff that I need to do here, but I keep getting stuck infront of a movie, and doing nothing.  Am i that tired?  do i need that much rest? or is it something else.  I think I've gotten behind on my writing and spiritual maintenance.  I had begun to develop this amazing clarity, but it all got foggy recently.  It's like a couple of big things were revealed, and I latched onto them with my typical tunnel vision, which caused me to somehow lose contact with the source, and every thing got all bogged up.  So I've been feeling blind and alone for about a week.  I haven't really been looking at my schedule either, so I feel lost.  Like the world is going on and I'm not there.  I'm off on my own trying to catch up, but the more I try to compensate in isolation, the farther behind I fall.  I hate it.  And I feel like I don't know what to do to get back into the world.  The things that tend to ground me are writing, making a to-do list, making and returning phone calls, going to my favorite meetings, making plans and putting them on my schedule, and sticking to my food plan.  I want to turn this day around now.  But first i have to be honest about the meal I just had.  The things I did well which have changed based on things I learned in program are highlighted throughout this summary.  I was feeling guilty about not going places, and obligated to take action on mundane tasks, but couldn't bring myself to deal with these things.  I couldn't stop thinking about muffins.  I took a few minutes to acknowledge what could be going on in my head that was making me uncomfortable, and then made a phone call to talk about it.  I got some good advice.  I read in the big book until a very reasonable amount of time had passed since breakfast.  It was time for a meal anyway.  I rode my bicycle to the store, and considered buying a lot of foods that would not be in my best interest.  large bags of dried fruit, french vanilla creamer, chips, cookies, cakes...even ice cream.  instead, I bought a few groceries to put in the freezer, and for my meal, I bought a blueberry muffin, a piece of carrot bread, and a protein bar.  Granted- this is not a balanced meal (although you could try calling it one if you really want to stretch the imagination...fruit: blueberry, vegetable: carrot, protein, dairy, grain...it's all there...kinda)  but the compulsive desire was so familiar and scary, and the way I drove myself to find those foods to fulfill the craving was ...ugh.  I knew it wouldn't help!  I knew it wouldn't nurture...but I was compelled.  I prayed.  "please help me to be reasonable during this meal.  Please help me to stay conscious and aware and not hurt myself."  I don't know exactly what I said, but I asked God to be with me during my meal.  That's different.  And I bought a relatively small quantity.  I used to buy seemingly endless quantities, because...what if I ran out!?  This time I knew that I would come to an end, and probably want more, and that would be OK.  This wasn't going to be the last time I could have these things, so I didnt' have to stuff it all in now.  My choices for a meal, and the mindset when I selected them was scary, but when I finished eating them at home, it was worse.  I wasn't willing to be done.  I got 2 slices of flaxseed bread from the fridge, toasted them, and ate them.  I still couldn't stop, but i was also just barely aware that I wasn't full.  I took out leftovers from sunday night's dinner, and some sliced roast beef.  this was at least balanced compared to all of the carbohydrates I'd just eaten.  after a few bites of roast beef, I felt somewhat satisfied.  I was still compelled to eat more, but I knew it was time to stop, and I felt full.  not uncomfortably full, but full.  So that's cool.  I'm still emotionally uncomfortable, but I'm writing about it.  hopefully I'll write more today.  I think I've got a lot on my mind.

immediate benefits

It's funny how as soon as I start amping up my program, I see amazing positive changes in my life.  Back when I was in treatment, and digging into this stuff full time, I had huge life changing revelations every couple of days, and this week feels like that again.

I didn't know how hard it was to be present until I started really trying to live 100% committed to the moment I'm in.  I catch myself drifting off into my own little fantasy world every 30 seconds.  It takes so much focus for me to simply pay attention to what's going on around me, especially when I'm doing a simple repetative action like driving.  As unsafe as it sounds, I probably drive for more than 10 minutes at times on autopilot with absolutely no awareness of where I am or what i'm doing, because i find it more interesting to contemplate my recovery or schedule my week or rewrite lyrics to a song.  The moments on the trip tonight in which I WAS present made me realize how vital it is to stay that way as much as possible, and how much better it will make me at EVERYTHING!  Being present and aware of your surroundings makes you able to adapt to whatever is going on.  This will make me better at every physical skill I do in my job, and even at conversation.  The brain is a muscle like any other in the body.  Right now, it's weak.  I can barely flex it long enough to hold my attention on even things I generally find fascinating, but giving up and getting frustrated won't help that.  By continuing to challenge myself, and repeatedly do what I can't do- focus on the present longer than I can - I will get better at it.  I will learn  to read the environment and the people in it.  Soon I will be able to respond to it, and someday, I'll be able to see things coming before they happen.  That's what happens when you pay enough attention.  You learn how certain movements have characteristic telegraphs, and you learn to see them coming, so before they become a threat, you know multiple escape plans, and can evaluate the best one.  Prevent accidents and disasters...achieve the best case scenario in any given circumstances.  how cool!?  But part of that process is NOT dwelling on how good i WILL be at it.  I just have to focus on now - flexing that weak muscle.

and asking questions.  I've uncovered this fear of asking questions.  my goal for the week is to ask as many dumb questions as possible to get comfortable.  put myself out there.

I've begun to develop a sense of how to push myself without causing self harm.  the whole self-care thing used to scare me because i didn't know if i'd ever learn how to get better and excel at things if I couldn't push myself beyond my limits for fear of hurting myself, but that is now becoming clear...gradually.

I've become adept at "screen door theory", which means when someone yells at me, I can filter out the useful information and apply it without paying attention to their tone or any hurtful words.  this is so useful and self loving!  

My eating is cleaner

I'm feeling more rested, and my days seem fuller.

this is cool.

I am soooo not present

So this evening while my instructor was wrapping up class and going over information I thought I already knew, I was thinking about the movie "Peaceful Warrior", and how cool it is to be present, when I realized that by thinking about the movie, I was completely not present in the class.  It was rediculous.  I've been paying particular attention to it all day, and realized that I'm probably completely present less than 10 percent of the time.  I can't get through 3 steps of choreography that I already know with out my mind wandering off to some more challenging or entertaining topic.  They may be great interesting topics, but what happened to "there are no ordinary moments"?  I'm not paying attention.  and I CAN'T even when I am determined to do so.  when I'm actually performing a series of moves that I know, even if I put intense effort into focusing on the details of each movement, I will get distracted my little thoughts or ideas, and switch my movements over to autopilot.  My mind wanders whenever I get bored with a conversation.  I found this phenomenon so interesting and troubling that I spent the whole ride home contemplating it (rather than paying attention to my immediate surroundings...like the road and cars!)  I'm not sure what character defect that is, but it's something I'm trying to take note of and address.  

Things I did really well today:

-I woke up early enough to have a relaxing morning and do all of my meditations even though I forgot to set my alarm for 6 am!

-I had a really good long conversation about learning to be present and keenly aware of people, and how to apply that to the art I'm learning, and agreed to commence intense training towards that end with my instructor.

-Had a good talk with another OA about intuitive eating, and how i'm learning to apply it

-Took action to get a last minute apt with a new therapist, and went!  I've also agreed to do homework of asking questions when i hang out with a new friend tomorrow.  that's gonna be hard and scary, but i'll check back in on that.

-got a massage

-practiced detaching from pain.  holy crap that was hard, but when I can acknowledge that i'm not being damaged, and it's actually repairing old injuries, I had to just accept it.  "it's just pain" and relax into it.  stop fighting it.  i actually did it.  it doesn't feel quite as bad when you stop fighting.

-iced 

-ordered my favorite healthy gorilla lite green juice

-went to a group meeting, contributed my opinion to the discussion, and volunteered to head up a committee

-made a dentist appointment

-wrote out my schedule for the week

-i'm doing some writing and inventory

-i've pretty well minded my fullness at every meal today!  I ate all of my dinner, but I think i needed it all.

-did some business with pictures

amping up my recovery!

I feel inspired to work a stronger program.  Here are the things I did today for my recovery...

make a few phone calls in the morning

Awesome service!

bought aspirin

used mouthwash

detox foot things

writing

cleaned room and folded clothes

stopped eating only one bite after I knew I was satisfied, and left the rest in the fridge!!!!

stopped my movie halfway through so I could get to bed early

extra writing

read step one in the OA 12 and 12

packed my bag for tomorrow so that I can have a more relaxing morning and not feel rushed

made a to-do list for the day

took a really nice shower

pray

meditate

Commitment

I haven't been writing.  I've gotten a lot better at talking, feeling, processing, and dealing with things in the moment as they come up.  I'm feeling more secure and serene most of the time.  But I'm missing out on a lot of recovery by not writing on a regular basis.  I think my eating would have been cleaner yesterday if I'd started writing right when i got home.  I'm really tired right now.  crap.  I just got a new sponsee.  I'm glad.  I'm excited for the opportunity to help someone, and I know that this will inspire me to be more diligent with my own program.  I've been getting out of my structured routine that i've had for a while.  That's good and bad.  It's really cool that i have so many opportunities opening up to me, and that I'm ready and able to take them.  I'm staying sane and abstinent, but i'm devoting a lot less time to my program as a result.  And because i'm using the tools only "as needed" instead of on a regular daily schedule, the reflex to use them is weakening.  Almost every day this week, I've practiced living in the world or working out in more fun exciting places, which has brought me home a little later.  As a result, I've altered my morning routine, sleeping in and grabbing breakfast on the go.  It makes perfect sense in my head, because i save time by getting ready and eating at the same time, but my morning prayer is rushed and less thoughtful, and my meditation is nonexistant.  For one day, that's not the end of the world, but when that becomes the norm, which it seems to be, we're heading for trouble.  It's hard, because I want to be able to go with the flow and try new things.  Most of my favorite workouts and activities, including meetings keep me out til 10 or 10:30 pm, which makes it difficult to get up at 6 am for training.  OK.  for this week, I'm going to commit to setting my alarm with enough time to do all of my morning meditation, and if I need more sleep, then I can miss my first class.  I'll try that for a week.  I've also been a little lax on my rule about snacking while preparing food or adding extras.  This week, I'm also going to be more diligent with my foodplan.  it's simple and clear cut.  It meets my needs, and I don't need to pad it.  This week, I will abide by it.  I can make more phone calls, and more outreach.  I've been doing well sharing more, oh!  but I can remember to congratulate chip-takers and thank the leader.  I can update my to-do list.  oh!  4th step.  i need to work on that, and maybe i can set a time to work on it with my sponsor.  And the main #1 project for me to work on this week...those are all simple concrete actions, but this is the fuzzier internal thing: listen to my heart-my intuition- my higher power.  I've been talking a lot about my new understanding that I really can have, do, or be anything I want as long as I am willing to connect with what it is that I really really want.  I have been willing to question my desires, to compare compulsion with my higher power's will.  I've been able to see the difference, but I haven't been very willing to listen.  strange.  I know it's a muscle, though, and just seeing it is a big step.  At first it may be hard, but the more effort I put into listening now, the sooner it will get easy.  I want to commit to really listening, and acting accordingly...i keep wanting to say "as much as  I can", and leave room for error, but I truly believe that you can do anything you set your mind to.  Part of me just doesn't want to do it.  If I commit fully, my life will get better faster.  I want to push myself.  challenge myself.  I want to do this.  I can feel the resistance.  It's just like the trick I tried in the gym on thursday.  I knew i wanted it, and that i would feel better as soon as I did it, but I didn't want to.  I kept doing drills to perfect the mechanics before I tried anything.  Preparation is good, but I was limiting myself.  When i became aware that the primary reason I hadn't tried it yet was because I was scared, I took a deep breath and chucked it.  it wasn't pretty, but it released so much tension.  It felt way better.  The only way to grow or get better is to DO what you can't do.  Commit to DOING it.  not trying to do it to the best of your ablility, but really doing it.  Very well.  this is uncomfortable, but I've fought for the right to be uncomfortable, and I'm going to exercise that right.  I want to get better, so this week, I'm going to eat intuitively within the confines of my food plan.  I don't care if there's one bite or 50 left on my plate.  If I'm full or satisfied, I'm done.  I can do this.  and i'm going to.

Slip? Uh oh.

Ya know, you'd think after that last little revelation, things would have picked up, but i had a kinda strange reaction.  I threw up.  It wasn't really intentional.  My stomach was hurting, and i kept burping violently, but i had to get ready to leave to lead a meeting.  I was so uncomfortable going to lead a meeting after the kinda excessive emotional eating I had done earlier that day, but I got up and started trying to move and work some of the air and crampiness out of my stomach.  I was in the shower, and these burps were just exploding out of me.  I kept massaging my stomach to try to help work stuff out.  I twisted, and bent, and leaned over, and opened my mouth, and threw up.  I stood up in a little bit of shock, and debated whether it was OK.  What if I leaned over again?  I threw up a significant amount 2 more times in the next minute.  I didn't force it.  I just leaned over and burped, and allowed my body to get rid of some of the crap that was upsetting my stomach.  I felt better, but I knew there was a lot more that I could get out if I tried.  Suddenly the fear struck me, and I cried.  I finished my shower and dried off.  My stomach still hurt, and I knew it wouldn't be hard to throw up if I actually tried, but I don't do that anymore.  And it didn't feel like it used to.  not at all.  I used to make the decision to throw up halfway through, or even before the binge.  This time, there was no decision.  There wasn't even really a binge.  At no point during my extended snack did I say to myself "well, I already blew it, might as well keep going."  There was a point where I thought i might be full, and I waited a few minutes, but not feeling any discomfort, I chose to eat more.  When I finished eating, I became slightly aware of some minor discomfort from fullness.  This is very different from the old binges where I used to continue eating even after I felt like I was going to explode, and try to stuff more in so that I could throw up.  This time, I recognized minor discomfort, closed up the unfinished package, and put it in the cupboard.  Only later did it churn my stomach into terrible cramping.  the throw up was accidental, and not until 3 hours later after I made phone calls, took a nap, did some writing...my next meal was a little late, because my stomach still hurt, but I'm pretty much back to normal life.  I feel a lot better having written about it. coming clean.  and i'm starting to feel really excited to see the guys at work tomorrow.  I've been stressing about it so much that I forgot how much fun i'm going to have!  I love my job, and being challenged, and i love these guys.  I look up to them soooo much, and they're so good at what they do, and at teaching.  If I can't do something, I'll get to learn.  It's actually really really exciting.

I've been feeling really self conscious about working with some guys I used to know.  I'm going to see them for the first time in a year tomorrow, and I don't know how to interact with them.  In the back of my mind, I know they're going to wonder why I haven't improved, and why in some ways, I'm even rusty at the things I was better at then.  Especially since they were already so much better than me, I've been feeling really scared about having to explain why i'm not better.  Of course, I have some really freakin' good reasons.  really good.  In fact, if any rational person heard half of the reasons, not only would they accept them; they'd probably be shocked at how well I've managed to maintain the skills I still have.  I really haven't lost that much, and in all honesty, I'll probably be back at the same level I was within another month, and then I'll be on the way up again.  but that's all future and guesswork, and therefore beside the point.  What I realized a few minutes ago is that the half explanation I plan on presenting to "the guys" if they question me will probably be fully satisfactory to them as long as I deliver it with confidence and acceptance.  The only person who still seems incapable of accepting me where I am is me.  When I tell my story, I sound like I have something to hide, because I feel like I do.  I sound like I'm using petty excuses for being lazy, because I feel like I am.  I've had major compounded injuries that prevented me from training to the best of my ability.  I've been in eating disorder inpatient treatment where I was allowed only 1-2 hours /day to workout, and I didn't have any of my usual gyms, coaches, or equipment.  Even when I returned home, over each workout hung the threat of relapse into self harm and reinjury.  I've had to learn a whole different way of looking at the world and motivating myself.  These are life lessons that may have slowed my physical progress temporarily, but in the long run does nothing but improve it.  in every way.  But still a part of me says "there was nothing wrong with the top half of your body!  You could have been doing all kinds of crazy upper body workouts- bars, rings, weapons, acrobatics, aerial stuff...just because one entire leg has been incapacitated doesn't mean the rest of your body is off the hook.  you were just looking for an excuse!"  but that's not my voice.  I thought I had squeezed that voice out of my head in most things, but there he is again.  it's ED.