All or Nothing

Like I said before,

The costs of overeating are obvious.  It's only by recognizing the payoff that we can accurately evaluate our actions in the moment, and make healthier choices.  If the payoff is a temporary numbness to our problems, that simply causes the pain to be burried deeper within us, that recognition will probably be immensely helpful in resisting the urge.  I've also recently recognized a little more about the psychology of why I like to starve or do other things of that nature.  I get an intense pride from being tough - able to withstand harsh conditions and injury - to soldier on alone without help or complaint.  Just like the sense of worthiness I get from excellence, achievement, and persistence, I get a high from extreme toughness.  If I'm doing something impressive, I can define myself by that, rather than by what I'm really feeling.  But it has to be a strong trait, or it doesn't overrule other things.  For example, Say a bunch of us are sitting outside in long sleeve shirts, and i'm a little chilly.  Everyone else seems fine, but I'm cold.  If someone offers me a jacket, I'll take it in a second, because refusing it doesn't make me amazingly tough.  Everyone else is fine without a jacket.  If I tough it out, I'm only succeeding in being average.  Not interesting.  Might as well be comfortable.  However, let's say the same group of us are there, and I'm shivering in a tank top, while everyone else has a furry winter coat.  There's a good chance that I would refuse the jacket, just to show how tough I am.  The cost is discomfort.  The benefit is demonstrating victory over the need for comfort - a feeling of superiority.  When you look at it that way, it all seems very silly, but that's why it's so important to look at and understand these things.  A binge brings comfort.  Starving brings pride, but both are only temporary.  Middle ground deprives me of the numbing comfort and the isolating superiority, but the long term pay off is so much greater.  That's what I'm just beginning to understand.  If I eat small meals every few hours exactly as planned, I don't get to numb out.  I don't get to feel super-human for transcending basic bodily needs, but I do get peace.  I get to really know and understand myself.  I get to be present in the world, and connect with people.  I get to stay conscious enough to get things done, live my life, and really be involved in it.  It's a tough transition to make, especially when I'm so used to my old way.  But the farther I go, the more value I see in it.  I don't feel like i've really done it justice in my description of the value of balance, but then, I guess I haven't completely found it yet.  How can you really describe something you haven't fully experienced?  But I've experience amazing highs from my disease, and still I am willing to give that up for balance.  I guess I have faith.  That's a pretty cool thing.

Why do we eat?  I think that there is actually a logical reason for everything we do.  Sometimes it seems crazy and completely pointless, but there's some perceived payoff when we eat, otherwise, we wouldn't do it.  When I'm craving food, I look at the clock.  Is it time for a meal?  Is it at all possible that I could be hungary?  Today, the answer was no.  On Sunday, with the french vanilla coffee, it was obvious.  My feelings were so painful and intense, that i wanted to numb them out for a while.  The cost is the calories, the sleeplessness, the bloating, and the stomach cramps that come with my allergic substances, but the benefit was that I could be emotionally comforted while I sipped vanilla sweetness.  I understood it at the time, and I made that choice.  But what was my reason for craving today?  There were no specific triggers.  The main thing has been discomfort with lack of action, but I have a to do list 10 miles long.  If I wanted action, wouldn't I have embarked more vigorously on those activities, found my achievement, and been happy?  Sometimes that works, but I really didn't want to do that today.  The things on my to do list aren't that fun.  They're not that easy either.  They're things I've been meaning to do for MANY months, but haven't been able to.  They're the kinda thing that requires a phone call, another phone call, waiting for a response, trying a different path, persuading someone, tracking them down, waiting...even if I addressed everything on my list, very little of it could actually be accomplished and checked off.  For whatever reason, I just didn't want to do this stuff.  But I couldn't schedule other things, because these things have to get done eventually, so I stayed home, intending to do them.  I found myself craving 2 things all day. 1. Food.  2. reading.  I wanted to lie around and get lost in my novel...again.  Just another way of checking out.  I didn't want to do my chores, but I can't deal with neglecting my responsibilities.  I couldn't consciously do that.  That would be irresponsible, lazy...So I ran to my book.  Granted, it's a good book, and I want to know what's going to happen next, but it's really serving as an escape from my mundane every day tasks, and my program of recovery.  It's a more acceptable way of putting things off.  And I get to feign accomplishment too.  "Once I finish this book, then I'll be able to get stuff done.  I just have to finish this first."  That way, I trick myself into feeling like I'm accomplishing something, while I'm really avoiding what needs to be done.  I have accomplished things today, and i've stuck to my food plan.  But I feel really empty and alone.  I'm not going to the OC meeting tonight.  I'll just go to the one closest to my house.  I had hoped to have a sleepover with a friend, but that doesn't look like it's going to work out.  It's not.  I guess that's why I keep getting so intrigued by the add for pizza popping up on my computer screen.  And an ice cream binge sounds so nice.  I am aware that I feel really lonely, and I don't want to be aware of that.  I'm instinctively trying to hide those feelings from myself.  I guess i have 2 better options.  Seek company or sit with my feelings.  Because the pizza isn't going to help.  Neither is ice cream.  And neither is sitting around reading to distract myself until my next abstinent meal, although sometimes that's the best I can do.

Here's a curious thought.  I could have called people to hang out with today.  I probably had a lot of options.  Why didn't I?  I said it was because I was going to orange county later today, and I would hang out with friends then, but I had to get things done first.  I was afraid that if someone came over or I made social plans, I wouldn't accomplish the things on my list.  Even though I stayed home to do these things, I stalled, and avoided them so long that I couldn't make plans for later, and never got around to anything.  I'm still doing the same thing now.  And I keep hoping that I'll take my work with me to a park or coffee shop or something.  Anything to get out of the ugly apartment, and be social, but I don't.  I need my ice, and my computer, and what if I forget something, and then can't get things done.  But I'm stuck in this dark messy room, and I'm still not getting very much done, and i'm missing out on life.  I guess I get pretty disappointed too when I actually make an effort like that and don't end up meeting amazing, interesting people.  So often, I get approached by weird guys who are just trying to hit on me.  If someone has a legitimate interest in talking to me, and we have something in common, I'm all for talking to anyone.  It just seems like so many guys who approach me have not interest in me as a person.  u know?  I allow it to affect the way I interact with strangers.  I put up this wall, where I'm rude, curt, and respond with one-word answers and no eye contact.  And then I don't bother to go out again.  I don't know what I'm saying.  Just rambling I guess.

Dealing with Food Obsession

For the past few days, I've had to take a little time off from my usual workout routine to heal.  I know.  Isn't it better yet?  Apparently not, because every time I think i'm resting, turns out i'm not.  So I've been staying home icing, and living from meal to meal.  I finish the last bite of one meal, take note of the time at which I swallowed my last bite, and start the timer, so that I know the minute I can begin my next meal.  I wouldn't dream of violating the meal plan or abstinence right now, but how long can one go on like that?  It's not sober living.  None of my meals were really sober.  True: they followed my absurdly healthy meal plan to a T, but within each meal, I cut myself off from the world, and returned only to count the hours to the next meal.  I realized that during the beginning phases of recovery I had to use the tools like crazy.  I didn't have the option of filling my schedule with exciting activities to validate myself, and not able to cope with food, I had to talk and write, and really work the program.  And I did.  As I grew stronger in my recovery, I gradually had to add parts of my life and career back in.  That includes a rigorous workout schedule, which goes beyond reason for most people.  In recovery, I've been learning to love myself for who I am inside, but that's hard work!  If I do cooler tricks and perform super human feats; if I excell and work harder and longer than everyone else, than I can just like myself for that!  I don't even have to know who I am, what I like...I don't have to know if I demonstrate integrity, humility, acceptance, if I'm a good friend...I don't have to connect with other people...With the crutch of excellance in work and exercise, I can like myself without doing any of the work of getting to know myself and be authentic.  No wonder it's been my strategy for so long!  It's taken me a few days to get that clarity.  And when I feel that obsession, the answer is not to simply distract myself with whatever activity I can persuade myself to do at the moment.  It will get me through to my next meal, but the gaping hole is still there.  Remember: it's a spiritual hunger.  Not a physical hunger.  Food can't fill it, so find the solution.  Today, I had a novel idea.  Actually, it was my sponsor.  She told me to read page 15 in the big book.  But it was almost time for lunch, so I stalled for 15 minutes and ate lunch.  But that didn't help.  I just wanted another lunch.  So I tried distracting myself for a while, before I finally realized what I used to do when faced with these cravings.  I would sit down and write.  Well this time, I read.  I pulled out my big book, and within a few paragraphs, I was feeling better.  My focus shifted.  I called a friend who has been struggling, and we read together.  The time passed quickly, and although it was time for my next meal, I was more interested in accomplishing some of the tasks on my to do list.  I did some e-mails, made some phone calls, and went inside for dinner, but noticed that I wasn't hungary.  So I'm writing.  And I'm really glad.

I feel like it's time for a refresher course in recovery.  I'm taking a few days off from the gym, and I want to spend them immersed in my favorite orange county meetings.  

thursday night-7pm-Laguna Hills

Friday morning 10am - Costa Mesa

Saturday 9 am -Laguna Hills

What am I going to do inbetween?  How am I going to get there without aggrivating my knee?  where will I sleep?  I don't know.  I have no idea.  Hopefully I'll get the initiative to figure it out, and ask for help.  Crap.  I'm working on Friday night.  I forgot.  I can still do all of those meetings though.  eh- ok.  i'll work on it.

Caffeine

and now I remember why caffeine was a bad idea.  even before i had any inkling that I had an allergy to caffeine, I knew never to consume any of it after 11 am.  I'm really sensitive to it, and it prevents me from sleeping.  I can't sleep now.  I have to be up at 6, and i thought i was tired til i turned out the light and did my meditation tape.  My mind is racing.  Didn't I talk and write enough?  Apparently not.  I though of other stuff to contemplate.  

My brother.  "I want to hurt my friends.  Did you really move to pursue your career?  or did you just want to get away from people?" he asked me.  Really?  I was always so concerned about my career, that I forgot people really existed.  We've always had very different approaches to life and friends.  I only recently acknowledged how important it is to have friends, but that has always been really important to him.  Therefore, I can see how upsetting it would be to tire of the people you hang out with.  I've never EVER been willing to compromise my goals or ideas to fit in with a group (which...yes...sounds completely contrary to my last post).  When I was little, if my friends wanted to play dolls instead of climb trees, I decided they were dumb and boring, and that I would get different friends.  If that meant being alone until I found better friends, fine.  At least I'd be climbing trees in the mean time.  My brother was more the type to sacrifice what he wanted to do to be with people.  I don't think there's anything wrong with either way.  There's a balance between the 2, and we both have struggled on opposite extremes.  I pretty much do what i want to do, and expect that to attract other people who like doing the same things.  I need to expand that to saying what I think and feel, to attract people with similar ideas and morals.  I could also benefit from being more flexible, and compromising some of my plans to accommodate people I really like spending time with.  My brother on the other hand, I think could benefit from some time away from those people.  I know it's not my job to take his inventory, but he asked me for advice, and i'm muddling through it now, so that i'll be more coherent when i talk to him.  We all want to feel loved and accepted.  My bass-akwards strategy has always to be incredible at whatever i do, and impress everyone into liking me.  To be perfect.  He seems to take a more direct approach to fitting in, and has fallen into common high school and college traps: drugs, smoking, alcohol...I feel like he has no idea what he wants, or what he's passionate about.  I wish i could help him find it.  It just seems like life is so painful for him, and he just wants the time to pass faster.  I don't really know, but between smoking, drinking, and television, I feel like he always has something to numb out with.  You know?  We do different behaviors to address the same kind of spiritual hole.  In a way, a long time ago, he sacrificed a lot of who he was to fit in with these "friends", and now he's finally realizing that maybe they're not really good friends.  Maybe they're not the kind of people who he wants to be around.  But he doesn't know how to be alone.  It's hard to make new friends.  Especially when you've become like them.  Even if you leave them, you attract more people like you, and if you're behaving like them, well you just get more of the same people.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I was always so quick to abandon friends when i learned something about them that i didn't like.  I think I've always been a little scared of people's undesirable qualities rubbing off on me.  That's one of the things that keeps me so isolated.  I'm so quick to pick out whatever I don't like about a person, and run from it.  These days, I practice instead focusing on the positive things I see, and try to connect with that, but that's definitely a work in progress, and still in the beginning phases.  We have so much to learn.

Basically, I think we were both missing the point, which is:

to connect with people, be true to yourself, and have faith in a higher power.

He preoccupied himself with the connecting with people part, and mistook it for being with people and doing what they're doing.  it's not the same as connecting, and it doesn't mean anything if you're not true to yourself.

I locked in on being true to myself, only I got it wrong too.  Instead I "did what I wanted".  I still lost touch with the true inner me, and drove away the people I needed to connect with.

It leaves us both with an empty hole, and neither of us had any faith in a higher power.  I'm so grateful to be on the path to finding my higher power, and to be learning to be true to myself and connect with people.  Sometimes, it really clicks, and I feel so fulfilled and loved and happy.  I hope I can help him to find it too.

Clarity.

ok.  So this afternoon, I had this great idea.  OK.  Actually, I knew there was nothing great about this idea at the time, but I wanted to get a 24 oz cup full of all of the substances I am most allergic to, and consume it.  yes.  brilliant.  Not exactly part of my food plan, but not an abstinence breaker either.  My stomach does not react well to caffeine, coffee, milk, or refined sugar, or sugar alcohol (common artificial sweetener).  All of those things were in the french vanilla coffee I bought.  It wasn't an impulse.  I thought about it for about 2 hours before I made the purchase, and I was calm, aware, and somewhat rational when I bought it.  I rationalized that I was cold and wanted something to warm me up, but I was aware that I really wanted it as a  comfort food/ anaesthetiser.  My feelings had been overflowing all day saturday in anticipation of the potential meeting at breakfast this morning.  I knew there was a chance that I would have to confront the drama of my past.  I did a lot of writing yesterday to get the feelings out so I could be clear and free...know where I stand.  I just wanted to go to breakfast with my friends, and not worry about running into someone who probably hates me.  I couldn't do it.  I froze.  I got caught up in controlling how they felt about me.  I can't have someone hate me.  I CAN'T!  The only way to be OK, was to have him be impressed with how well I'm doing, and to make her like me again, but I can't control that!  none of it is up to me.  I was afraid that ... just everything.  There was no way to behave, and make them feel the way I wanted them to feel.  I just want everyone to be OK.  To be happy.  I forgot that I had to let go of that.  You can't be present when you're caught up in the past.  If I had thrown away the past, and let go of the future, I could have stayed focused on my friends, and ...I don't know.  All I could do was pretend not to see them, and try to constantly be aware of where they were, so that I could hide, but not actually see them or know where they were...it felt terrible.  And of course i was upset that if they saw me behaving this way, they would know how horrible and insecure I felt, and i don't want them to know that!  But I don't want them to think that i'm so selfish and insensitive that I can' possibly be happy in their presence.  I'm so silly.  But it's a lot to deal with.  I did the best I could, and it's been really amazing seeing how the universe gives me exactly what I can handle: always enough to challenge me when I'm ready for it, but never more than I can actually manage.  Sometimes it seems impossible, like I'll never get through it.  It's scary, but those are the times of the most accellerated growth.  It's been really cool to see how it all plays out when I trust a higher power.

It was really nice to get back to my talking and writing yesterday and today.  I had been doing moderate amounts consistently for a while, until I got bored, and started reading that novel.  It was nice to take a brake for a while, but I totally felt the effects.  So many thoughts and feelings got bottled up, and I could feel them building, but I couldn't put the book down, and I couldn't miss my activities, so recovery was sacrificed.  Luckily, when it got uncomfortable enough, I reached for my trusty tools, and started writing and talking again.  I just spent about 3 hours on the phone purging all of the feelings and ideas that had gotten stuck inside.

One interesting thing that has recently come to the surface is my detachment from my true feelings, and how I've locked in on this habit of finding out how I should think and feel about certain things, and then brainwashing myself to believe that.  I'm so adept at it that it's really hard to identify my true ideas and emotions, and separate them from the fabricated ones I'm supposed to have.  It's been a barrier for me for a long time.  I've come to understand how crucial it is for me to really feel and express my truth, and it's going to be a long hard process with lots of digging to reacquire the skill.  I've denied it so long out of fear of hurting someone else.  What if my opinion hurts someone?  I can't let them know, but it's wrong to lie.  So before I even know that i have an opinion, I cut myself off, and figure out what is "right" to say or think.  I instantly convince myself that that is my truth, and really believe it, but don't realize that I've betrayed myself.  Sometimes I find I have completely opposing views of the same topic based entirely on who I am in the company of.  And when I'm saying I agree with you, I totally believe it!  I have no idea that I'm letting you choose my opinion for me.  If I can't tell what everyone else wants me to think, I find that I don't know.  That I don't have an opinion.  Somehow I'm blocked.  The truth is that I'm always blocked.  I'm so scared of having my own opinion about anything that anyone else cares about.  I never made this connection before, but the only thing I have really strong opinions about are things that most other people don't care about.  It's ok for me to have my own opinions about things that aren't important to other people.  Then they won't get offended!  Wow.  that's so messed up.  I always say that I'm un-peer-pressureable, when in truth, I let the the outside world determine many of my thoughts.  I do what I'm told, and convince myself that I chose it.  Now, I am exagerating a little, but that's kinda what I do.  I really want to start working more on having my own opinion and expressing it freely.

AND being Judgemental.  I watched this amazing scene from "The Guardian", where the kid in coast guard training gets totally called out on his motive for being there.  He's all about being the best and breaking records.  He doesn't really care about his teammates or saving lives.  He thinks he does, because he's supposed to, but the trainer can see right through it.  He gives him the opportunity to go ahead and break all of the records on the board- prove how much better his is than everyone else...It made me realize how much of a self-centered brat I am.  I write people off all of the time.  "they're so slow, weak, incompetent; they don't care enough; why do they even bother?"  Holy crap!  Who am I to judge?  I say the same thing about myself whenever I have an off day.  Is there seriously something so wrong with simply doing something for the pure enjoyment of it?  Does it really hurt me if they think they're top-notch highly motivated athletes?  Is it really necessary for them to know that they will never be as good as so-and-so?  It's important for people to have self-confidence, and enjoy what they're doing.  Not for them to "know their place"!  Oh my gosh!  Please grant me the willingness to accept myself and others exactly as we are, and to find the good in everyone.  To appreciate each of us for who we are.  I want to be able to enjoy connecting with everyone I come into contact with, and stop trying to find reasons to cut myself off from all of humanity.  That would be better for all of us.  

deep breath.

I accept that this is going to take me a while.  I'll keep praying for it, and staying aware of it.  I'll keep trying, and letting go.  

I'm so glad I did all of this writing and talking today.  I feel so much clearer and coherent and self aware.  Everything had gotten foggy.

catch up

fudge!!!  i don't want to write right now!  I'm totally addicted to the novel i'm reading right now, and i should have gone to sleep 21 minutes ago, but i want to stay up and read, but i feel guilty for not having written for a few days.  so much has been going on, i haven't had time to keep up.  ok...not guilty...unsettled.  i guess i have a lot of ideas floating around in my head that i may or may not have processed yet.  I did a lot of driving yesterday and today.  12 hours on the road with no phone, no music, no distractions whatsoever.  it was interesting, i guess.  i practiced the zen way of thinking - appreciating everything for what it is, being present in the moment...i think that's what it was about.  so i appreciated the beauty of the clouds behind the mountain even though they were pretty much the same as the last 20 mountains and clouds.  Does the fact that i've seen mountains before make the ones i'm looking at any less beautiful?  it shouldn't.  I did pretty well with that.  I rewrote the lyrics to the song "Gotta have faith" so that it's all about eating disorders and recovery from them.  I did a lot of singing to myself.  i had this one "great" experience where i knew i was running out of gas, and probably wouldn't make it to the next rest stop.  i prayed and prayed, and coasted down the exit ramp into the rest stop.  Hooray!  Yay God!  awesome, right!?  NO!!!  This rest stop - the one they'd been posting on billboards for 60 miles, apparently only has bathrooms, benches, and a broken pay phone.  yeah.  and my phone got no service.  So the good news?  I found convincing evidence that speeding is way less fuel efficient.  at 55 mph, I can go twice the distance on one tank of gas that I can go at 125 mph.  Yes.  I was speeding horribly.  But I was going to be late for a very important job, and if I averaged 120 mph for the last 2 hours of my drive, i could make it on time!  there's some self will.  lol.  so once again, i didn't get to control that outcome.  I got AAA to come give me gas, but when i found out i'd have to wait 45 min for them to arrive from the nearest town, i started crying hysterically.  can u blame me?  but this wonderful lady who had let me borrow her cel phone reminded me that it's ok, i'm safe, healthy, and alive, and it's all going to be all right.  "No it's not!"  I wailed.  "I'm gonna be late for work!'  she let me call to tell them i'd be late, and you won't believe it.  Apparently, she'd already called my phone (which wasn't working) to tell me that we wouldn't get to my scene for several hours, and that I should take my time getting there.  It was all OK.  i couldn't believe it.  the lady gave me a hug, made sure i was allright, and went on her way.  

My food was kinda squirrely, and i want to be accountable.  My late evening snack was dried fruit, almonds, cashews, and beef jerkey.  I try not to have dried fruit, because it's so high in sugar, and i have abused it so much in the past.  Once of the fruits was sweetened mango, and i'm allergic to mango.  i ate it anyway, and loved it.  it was a reasonable portion at the right time, but not totally what i wanted, and of course 5 minutes after i finished eating it, they brought out what i had wanted.  An actual warm meal.  It was chilli and quesadillas.  it was so hard not to eat it then and there.  I tried to stay away and distract myself.  When i finished working, I packed some of the food, wrapped it up, and brought it back to my hotel with me.  I hadn't looked at the time when i finished my last snack though.  I think i ate the chilli and quesadillas too soon.  I'm pretty sure i did, and i knew it at the time.  and i may have had too much, but that's a judgement, not a certainty.  i didn't feel full.  it's just more fattening food than I'm used to, so i don't know how much is ok.  then all they had for continental breakfast was sugar and carbohydrates.  I had a bowl of oatmeal mixed with raisen bran and a small bagel with cream cheese.  I'm not really comfortable with any of that, but I didn't binge, and i didn't beat myself up for it.  I'm mostly looking at that meal as an accomplishment that I could accept what was available, and not have to panic or go on a rampage looking for exactly what i wanted.  I was very hungary later though - perhaps a result of all the high carb foods that may have given an insulin spike?  i dunno.  i was also freezing, so i stopped at denny's for breakfast, and got the lumberjack scramble.  This was really borderline, but i think i consider it a success.  I had scrambled eggs with bacon, vegi's, potatoes, and cheese.  hash browns on the side, and 2 pancakes.  I ate syrup on my pancakes.  syrup.  that's sugar.  that's anti-food plan.  ugh.  i have chills.  the thing is, that before, that would have triggered an uncontrollable binge.  I ate all the pancakes and the syrup, but i didn't order anything else after.  i wasn't uncomfortably full, and i left a bunch of the hashbrowns on my plate.  i used to have a problem with hash browns too, but not today.  I really needed some time to sit down and warm up, and maybe i ate a little compulsively, but it wasn't a binge, and i was present.  i accepted it.  i don't know how much that had to do with my semi-anorexic desire to not eat my next meal 4 hours later, but i had my salad anyway.  and my next salad 4 hours after that.  and tonight i went to an extra meeting, and did my grocery shopping.  then i had all these plans for cooking up some exorbidant hot meal, but i decided to eat a nice little organic chicken wrap from whole foods instead.  i had a sober dinner.  I'm getting settled back in at home.  I did my inventory.  I read "just for today".  I made a bunch of phone calls today.  and I did it.  I accomplished something pretty impressive on this little trip, and I can acknowledge that I'm proud of myself.  I'm still struggling to plan out my next few days, but I'm doing really well.  I'm always gonna be OK, and in each moment, I can choose to live that way.  I can choose to be more than OK.  and I am.  I'm glad i took this time to write.

I don't really think i have anything to say today, but whenever I think that, there's always something creeping up on me, and if I don't write, I don't notice.  I'll just see if anything comes up now.  It's kinda late, and I'm kinda tired, but i don't feel like going to sleep.  it's been an uneventful afternoon/evening.  The morning was fast and hectic, then I came home to relax and read a book.  It actually poured rain, and I read on some pillows by our wide open door so I could see and hear the storm.  We don't get storms very often here, and it was really nice.  I love natural phenomenons.  But then I got restless.  I wanted to do something interesting, productive, or memorable.  I think I've had a little bit of an empty spot since I didn't do anything for Halloween.  It's such a fun interesting holiday, and I love making an intricate costume, and showing it off, along with developing the skills and character to suit the outfit...but I didn't have any plans, and didn't bother to make a costume.  I wanted to spend time with friends, and go to a cornfield maze or haunted house.  Or a big hollywood party with important producers or something.  My roommates wanted me to go party with them, and I was invited to another party, but I'm so not into the idea of drinking/partying.  Plus candy still freaks me out.  I could have put more effort into making plans that I would have liked, but sometimes I just don't have the motivation to act.  That frustrates me a lot.  I guess I have to keep in mind that recovery is a slow process, and I'm rising from a pretty serious low.  I've come a long way, but I can't expect to be able to do everything immediately.  So many gifts of recovery have come back to me so quickly, that I can hardly complain about missing a little halloween fun.  there will be other halloweens.  I do wish I would get out and socialize more.  It just seems like so much trouble getting anywhere, and if I stay home, I have all of my stuff.  I hate transportation- having to go somewhere, and then I hate bringing things.  I hate having to carry things, so I bring just the bare essentials, which means I always forget something, and wish I'd brought it.  Then I have to go home.  And most of the time, if I go anywhere, I keep to myself anyway.  It's just so much easier to stay home.  But is it worth the hole its creating in me?  I don't know.  I need to get a car.  But I can't now.  I can't afford anything.  In fact, I bought groceries on credit this week, and don't have enough money in my account to pay it off.  I will actually have a check coming in next week that will cover it, but how long will that last?  Another week or 2?  I'm actually working another day next week, but Man!  Finances are tight!  I am praying about it...for the perception/awareness/consciousness to see what I need to do, and the willingness to do it...trust in God's plan for me, and carry it out in whatever way I need to.  I do trust.  I'm not worrying about it too much, but I totally have no idea how it's going to work out.  Maybe I'll get a big job next week, or maybe I'll finally get a chance to build a secret tree fort and live off of the land, practicing my ninja skills.  Either way, I'll keep a positive attitude, and practice loving life.  It's cool.  Or maybe I just have to be humble enough to ask my momma for help.  She works so hard, though.  She has a lot on her plate.  I'll just pray that if there's some specific action I need to take, that I'm suddenly struck with the inspiration to do it...whatever it is.

I feel like eating again.  Technically, I can if I want, according to my food plan.  I don't think i'm really hungary.  If I'm going to sleep now, there's no need to eat, but if I'm gonna stay up much later, I will need to eat again.  Most of my meals today have felt weird.  From the moment I finish the last meal, I crave the next one, but when it comes time for that next one, I realize that nothing will satisfy.  I end up choosing whatever is easy/convenient/appropriate.  The prepackage with the earliest expiration date.  I get little or no enjoyment from it, yet crave the next meal as if that will fix it.  I guess that means...I'm a compulsive eater!  duh.  I don't know what it's about....just that uncomfortableness with being at home and having a lazy day.  They're necessary sometimes, but they're so freakin' uncomfortable.  I do hate them.  I just don't feel like I got anything done today.  It frustrates me.  you know?  Time never stops.  I hate to waste it.  and I know...I didn't.  I did exactly what I was supposed to do bla bla bla...i dunno.  Now that it's time for bed, I guess i got into this kind of 'cram' state of mind, where I feel like i have to scramble to do something worthwhile before I go to sleep.  I did a few pages in my directory, and then looked up a video on how to speed read on youtube.  I did 2 different training exercises, and then learned about photoreading, and tried to photo read a whole book.  lol.  I guess that's pretty funny.  I have no idea what i'm doing tomorrow.  I have a million different options, but i feel like they all require help from friends, and I can't seem to coordinate it all.  I dunno.  we'll see what happens.  I think i'm done writing for now.  I might read a little more.