There were a lot of memorable moments tonight.  Really nice high points.  Lots of lulls in between, and lots of discomfort in social situations, but I feel like I got to really see God working in my life.  

My friend that was driving to an event missed the exit on the freeway, because we were having a conversation about Quads.  He needs to learn to ride them.  We had to turn around twice to find our exit, but in that process, we passed a truck towing 2 quads, and I rolled down the window to ask them (on the freeway, yelling at the top of my lungs and signing wildly) if they could teach us to ride.  "Now!?" they asked. "No!  Tomorrow!"  I said.  Then they gave me their phone number, and I called and left a message for them.  I don't know if we'll actually hear from them or ride, but it was crazy fun.  

Then I found out about this big hollywood party that i was supposed to go to for a job i worked on.  It could be a great networking opportunity, but I was afraid everyone would be wild and drunk, and I'd feel out of place, lonely, dejected, and not do a good job of networking anyway.  I just wanted to go home, read, and go to sleep.  But I went.  I got dressed up, and tried to gear up for the experience.  hardly anyone I knew was there, and I spent most of the time wandering around looking for people to talk to, but the first person I recognized (I admit, I don't remember his name) introduced me to his roommate, who ... you won't believe this.  He was a military guy.  He's pretty cute.  When he got out of the military, he realized that all of his training had caused him to be disconnected, and he took acting classes for personal growth.  Although he never intended to be an actor, he seems to be making a living at it, and is starring in a motorcycle movie, for which he will be training tomorrow.  Dirt bikes.  I told him how badly I'd been wanting to learn that stuff, and he invited me to come!  It's free.  Paid for by production, and they have all kinds of extra bikes around, and may need girls to ride too.  It was such a fortuitous meeting!  I was all fluttery and excited for the rest of the night.  I'm trying to analyze my feelings about it.  It's funny, because I think with most girls, the fluttery feeling would be because of the guy, and riding would be the bonus, but in all honesty, I think I'm the reverse.  I'm flattered and intrigued about the potential of getting to know a military guy who seems to have a lot in common with me, but the real excitement came from the chance to learn new skills.  Especially after my last post.  I've been feeling so worthless the past few days lying around doing nothing.  I wrote about how I define my self and my worth through physical activity, and have felt like a zombie without that in my life.  I had just resigned myself to a fate of nothingness until I could learn to recognize what else there is to live for.  I was expecting hard barren times.  Perhaps I shouldn't be riding yet...especially since that's what hurts me the most, but the sudden chance to learn something new and get that validation of doing something exceptional...it was like being alive again.  In the way that I've always known how.  As exciting as it is, I kinda feel like I committed to giving up my crutch and learning to stand on my own two feet, and immediately latched onto the same exact crutch when it was thrown my way.  I don't know.  Maybe the fires will prevent us from going tomorrow.  The roads are still closed now.  I guess I'll leave it up to God!

I had this thought last night.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that my higher power is looking out for my best interests.  The series of 4 minor injuries last year around this time seriously interfered with my plans, but I was able to see that it was my body's way of telling me it was time to rest.  I wasn't taking care of myself or giving me the time I needed to recover on a daily basis.  This point was proven when they were immediately followed by a far more serious injury that knocked me off my feet.  I understood, but couldn't do it.  I am after all a compulsive over-exerciser, and that was my only strategy for preventing my compulsive overeating.  So when I refused to take the hint, I got hit with another injury that has baffled me.  It feels different, heals different, and no matter how well I think I'm protecting it while I work out, it's not getting the rest it needs to recover.  I feel like there were many reasons for this one.  Again- it was the final message about learning to take time off, but without being forced out of comission, I never would have been willing to remove myself from my regular training to seek treatment for my eating disorder.  I've been so confused and frustrated as to why it's lasted so long, but last night, it hit me.  God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and someday I'll probably thank him for it, but right now I'm pissed.  I don't get to heal and return to full physical activity until I learn to live without it.  I have to know who I am and how to BE in the world without relying on skills and physicality to define me.

I was at a low point last night.  I was working, and was abusing my injury more than I have in several months.  I realized that probably the past 8 weeks of doing practically nothing, and the past few days of doing ABSOLUTELY nothing may have gone down the tubes because of the mediocre activity I was doing.  It was nothing spectacular.  I didn't feel like I did it well, but it was too much, and I was swollen within minutes of beginning.  It only got worse.  I couldn't even really enjoy the adrenaline or the workout because I was fighting tears.  I felt like the only way I'd ever be able to heal was if I was kryogenically frozen so that I could remain unconscious during the healing process.  Then I reconsidered, and decided some kind of anesthetic induced hybernation would be more effective.  I don't think the body heals when you're frozen.  All of my muscles would atrophy, but I'd probably lose a lot of weight.  Then I'd be healed and skinny.  I could rebuild the muscle.  I like doing that.  I know.  that's really sick, but that's what I felt.  It doesn't feel that far off from what the past month or 2 has been like anyway.  I feel like I'm just killing time until I can start "living" again.  because I don't know how to live without my physical ability.  I used to say that I would keep doing crazy things like bunji jumping and sky diving until I get so old and decrepit that it kills me, because once my body can't handle those things, what's the point of living?  I truly felt and believed that.  My opinion has changed only enough to know intellectually that there's something inherently wrong with that.  I have to learn to live for other things.  I have to know who I am.  Being in a coma won't fix that.  I feel like even with the perfect rest, perfect supplements, perfect medecine and treatment, my injury would never heal.  I feel like God gave it to me to force me to learn who I am.  Physical ability has served me well, but I rely too heavily on it, and God will not remove my injury and restore my ability until I learn to live.  I can do it like program: as quickly or as slowly as I want to, but it's not going to fix itself if I just wait around.  Last night, it felt like a miserable surrender, but today it feels a little more hopeful.  Like when I first went to OA.  I hated it, but if recovery was what I had to do to get thin, fine.  I'd do it.  But I began to see what recovery meant, and how it could change my life.  Then recovery became more important than physical results.  Right now, getting to know myself sounds interesting, but tedious, boring, painful, and really really HARD!  but I'm willing to do it if that's what it takes to get my legs back to full capacity.  Someday, my life will be of greater value to me than my physical strength and agility.  That's when they'll return.  At least that's what I think.  Which leaves me with the problem of ...wait no.  I'm still thinking of this the wrong way.  It's not just about how do I avoid harmful activities.  It's about how do I fill my life with meaningful non-harmful people and experiences.  That does sound better.  I just don't get the crutch of exercise.  I'm gonna try to look at it as an exciting challenge.  Where to start?  How about a 4th step.  

Guilt

I feel AWFUL.  just terrible.  weak, powerless, bad, careless, inconsiderate, deceitful...I feel like a bad person.  The last time my roommate was out of town, she said I could use her car if I needed to.  I used it to run a few errands, pick up groceries and such.  And I remember this one time when I pulled into our tight little parking spot under the building, and I froze for a second.  Did I scrape the side of the car against the plastered post?  I wasn't sure.  I backed up, pulled into the spot.  I knew I had.  I must have.  I ran around to the side of the car to check, but didn't really see anything.  It was kinda dark, but no harm, no foul, right?

well a few weeks after she got back into town, she asked me about it.  "Did you scratch my car coming into the parking spot?  it lines up right where the post would be, and nobody else has driven my car."  

"I don't think so."  I said.  Thinking back, I began to question myself.  Then she showed me where the scratch was, and I knew.  "It must've been me then"  I said.  I didn't want her to think I'd lied about it initially, but i didn't want to lie about it now.  "It must have been.  If you want, I'll do whatever I have to do to pay for the repair." But the way I'd said it left some degree of doubt in her mind as to whether or not it was actually me, and she didn't want to charge me if I wasn't sure that I did it.  That's when I realized that I was pretty sure, but I couldn't say it.  I honestly don't know if she would bother getting it fixed anyway.  She has a lot of scratches all over her car, but one of them was from me.

I felt bad, but moved on.  She's out of town again, and since I drove her to the airport, she's letting me borrow the car again while she's gone.  I just did it again.  This time, I can see a big scratch.  So big in fact, that I again question whether I did it or not.  I was moving so slowly.  I heard it touch.  I know I left a mark, but not that big...?  Perhaps this one was already there, and I put another little tiny one on top of it?  Or maybe I'm a weapon of mass destruction to her car.  I'm terrified to tell her.  I feel terrible, and i don't want to lie or hide it.   I know how much those things hurt me.  But I don't know what to do.  I have no money right now.  I can't afford to pay for the groceries I bought last week.  

I guess my strategy for apologies and amends is usually to make up for it first if possible so that they can't be as upset when I tell the truth.  "I scratched your car, but I already took it in, touched it up, and had all of your previous scratches fixed while I was at it."  I hate being a burden, or irresponsible.  I don't want her to fear loaning things to me.  This sucks.  Because I know i have to be honest, but I don't have the means to fix it.

All or Nothing

Like I said before,

The costs of overeating are obvious.  It's only by recognizing the payoff that we can accurately evaluate our actions in the moment, and make healthier choices.  If the payoff is a temporary numbness to our problems, that simply causes the pain to be burried deeper within us, that recognition will probably be immensely helpful in resisting the urge.  I've also recently recognized a little more about the psychology of why I like to starve or do other things of that nature.  I get an intense pride from being tough - able to withstand harsh conditions and injury - to soldier on alone without help or complaint.  Just like the sense of worthiness I get from excellence, achievement, and persistence, I get a high from extreme toughness.  If I'm doing something impressive, I can define myself by that, rather than by what I'm really feeling.  But it has to be a strong trait, or it doesn't overrule other things.  For example, Say a bunch of us are sitting outside in long sleeve shirts, and i'm a little chilly.  Everyone else seems fine, but I'm cold.  If someone offers me a jacket, I'll take it in a second, because refusing it doesn't make me amazingly tough.  Everyone else is fine without a jacket.  If I tough it out, I'm only succeeding in being average.  Not interesting.  Might as well be comfortable.  However, let's say the same group of us are there, and I'm shivering in a tank top, while everyone else has a furry winter coat.  There's a good chance that I would refuse the jacket, just to show how tough I am.  The cost is discomfort.  The benefit is demonstrating victory over the need for comfort - a feeling of superiority.  When you look at it that way, it all seems very silly, but that's why it's so important to look at and understand these things.  A binge brings comfort.  Starving brings pride, but both are only temporary.  Middle ground deprives me of the numbing comfort and the isolating superiority, but the long term pay off is so much greater.  That's what I'm just beginning to understand.  If I eat small meals every few hours exactly as planned, I don't get to numb out.  I don't get to feel super-human for transcending basic bodily needs, but I do get peace.  I get to really know and understand myself.  I get to be present in the world, and connect with people.  I get to stay conscious enough to get things done, live my life, and really be involved in it.  It's a tough transition to make, especially when I'm so used to my old way.  But the farther I go, the more value I see in it.  I don't feel like i've really done it justice in my description of the value of balance, but then, I guess I haven't completely found it yet.  How can you really describe something you haven't fully experienced?  But I've experience amazing highs from my disease, and still I am willing to give that up for balance.  I guess I have faith.  That's a pretty cool thing.

Why do we eat?  I think that there is actually a logical reason for everything we do.  Sometimes it seems crazy and completely pointless, but there's some perceived payoff when we eat, otherwise, we wouldn't do it.  When I'm craving food, I look at the clock.  Is it time for a meal?  Is it at all possible that I could be hungary?  Today, the answer was no.  On Sunday, with the french vanilla coffee, it was obvious.  My feelings were so painful and intense, that i wanted to numb them out for a while.  The cost is the calories, the sleeplessness, the bloating, and the stomach cramps that come with my allergic substances, but the benefit was that I could be emotionally comforted while I sipped vanilla sweetness.  I understood it at the time, and I made that choice.  But what was my reason for craving today?  There were no specific triggers.  The main thing has been discomfort with lack of action, but I have a to do list 10 miles long.  If I wanted action, wouldn't I have embarked more vigorously on those activities, found my achievement, and been happy?  Sometimes that works, but I really didn't want to do that today.  The things on my to do list aren't that fun.  They're not that easy either.  They're things I've been meaning to do for MANY months, but haven't been able to.  They're the kinda thing that requires a phone call, another phone call, waiting for a response, trying a different path, persuading someone, tracking them down, waiting...even if I addressed everything on my list, very little of it could actually be accomplished and checked off.  For whatever reason, I just didn't want to do this stuff.  But I couldn't schedule other things, because these things have to get done eventually, so I stayed home, intending to do them.  I found myself craving 2 things all day. 1. Food.  2. reading.  I wanted to lie around and get lost in my novel...again.  Just another way of checking out.  I didn't want to do my chores, but I can't deal with neglecting my responsibilities.  I couldn't consciously do that.  That would be irresponsible, lazy...So I ran to my book.  Granted, it's a good book, and I want to know what's going to happen next, but it's really serving as an escape from my mundane every day tasks, and my program of recovery.  It's a more acceptable way of putting things off.  And I get to feign accomplishment too.  "Once I finish this book, then I'll be able to get stuff done.  I just have to finish this first."  That way, I trick myself into feeling like I'm accomplishing something, while I'm really avoiding what needs to be done.  I have accomplished things today, and i've stuck to my food plan.  But I feel really empty and alone.  I'm not going to the OC meeting tonight.  I'll just go to the one closest to my house.  I had hoped to have a sleepover with a friend, but that doesn't look like it's going to work out.  It's not.  I guess that's why I keep getting so intrigued by the add for pizza popping up on my computer screen.  And an ice cream binge sounds so nice.  I am aware that I feel really lonely, and I don't want to be aware of that.  I'm instinctively trying to hide those feelings from myself.  I guess i have 2 better options.  Seek company or sit with my feelings.  Because the pizza isn't going to help.  Neither is ice cream.  And neither is sitting around reading to distract myself until my next abstinent meal, although sometimes that's the best I can do.

Here's a curious thought.  I could have called people to hang out with today.  I probably had a lot of options.  Why didn't I?  I said it was because I was going to orange county later today, and I would hang out with friends then, but I had to get things done first.  I was afraid that if someone came over or I made social plans, I wouldn't accomplish the things on my list.  Even though I stayed home to do these things, I stalled, and avoided them so long that I couldn't make plans for later, and never got around to anything.  I'm still doing the same thing now.  And I keep hoping that I'll take my work with me to a park or coffee shop or something.  Anything to get out of the ugly apartment, and be social, but I don't.  I need my ice, and my computer, and what if I forget something, and then can't get things done.  But I'm stuck in this dark messy room, and I'm still not getting very much done, and i'm missing out on life.  I guess I get pretty disappointed too when I actually make an effort like that and don't end up meeting amazing, interesting people.  So often, I get approached by weird guys who are just trying to hit on me.  If someone has a legitimate interest in talking to me, and we have something in common, I'm all for talking to anyone.  It just seems like so many guys who approach me have not interest in me as a person.  u know?  I allow it to affect the way I interact with strangers.  I put up this wall, where I'm rude, curt, and respond with one-word answers and no eye contact.  And then I don't bother to go out again.  I don't know what I'm saying.  Just rambling I guess.

Dealing with Food Obsession

For the past few days, I've had to take a little time off from my usual workout routine to heal.  I know.  Isn't it better yet?  Apparently not, because every time I think i'm resting, turns out i'm not.  So I've been staying home icing, and living from meal to meal.  I finish the last bite of one meal, take note of the time at which I swallowed my last bite, and start the timer, so that I know the minute I can begin my next meal.  I wouldn't dream of violating the meal plan or abstinence right now, but how long can one go on like that?  It's not sober living.  None of my meals were really sober.  True: they followed my absurdly healthy meal plan to a T, but within each meal, I cut myself off from the world, and returned only to count the hours to the next meal.  I realized that during the beginning phases of recovery I had to use the tools like crazy.  I didn't have the option of filling my schedule with exciting activities to validate myself, and not able to cope with food, I had to talk and write, and really work the program.  And I did.  As I grew stronger in my recovery, I gradually had to add parts of my life and career back in.  That includes a rigorous workout schedule, which goes beyond reason for most people.  In recovery, I've been learning to love myself for who I am inside, but that's hard work!  If I do cooler tricks and perform super human feats; if I excell and work harder and longer than everyone else, than I can just like myself for that!  I don't even have to know who I am, what I like...I don't have to know if I demonstrate integrity, humility, acceptance, if I'm a good friend...I don't have to connect with other people...With the crutch of excellance in work and exercise, I can like myself without doing any of the work of getting to know myself and be authentic.  No wonder it's been my strategy for so long!  It's taken me a few days to get that clarity.  And when I feel that obsession, the answer is not to simply distract myself with whatever activity I can persuade myself to do at the moment.  It will get me through to my next meal, but the gaping hole is still there.  Remember: it's a spiritual hunger.  Not a physical hunger.  Food can't fill it, so find the solution.  Today, I had a novel idea.  Actually, it was my sponsor.  She told me to read page 15 in the big book.  But it was almost time for lunch, so I stalled for 15 minutes and ate lunch.  But that didn't help.  I just wanted another lunch.  So I tried distracting myself for a while, before I finally realized what I used to do when faced with these cravings.  I would sit down and write.  Well this time, I read.  I pulled out my big book, and within a few paragraphs, I was feeling better.  My focus shifted.  I called a friend who has been struggling, and we read together.  The time passed quickly, and although it was time for my next meal, I was more interested in accomplishing some of the tasks on my to do list.  I did some e-mails, made some phone calls, and went inside for dinner, but noticed that I wasn't hungary.  So I'm writing.  And I'm really glad.

I feel like it's time for a refresher course in recovery.  I'm taking a few days off from the gym, and I want to spend them immersed in my favorite orange county meetings.  

thursday night-7pm-Laguna Hills

Friday morning 10am - Costa Mesa

Saturday 9 am -Laguna Hills

What am I going to do inbetween?  How am I going to get there without aggrivating my knee?  where will I sleep?  I don't know.  I have no idea.  Hopefully I'll get the initiative to figure it out, and ask for help.  Crap.  I'm working on Friday night.  I forgot.  I can still do all of those meetings though.  eh- ok.  i'll work on it.

Caffeine

and now I remember why caffeine was a bad idea.  even before i had any inkling that I had an allergy to caffeine, I knew never to consume any of it after 11 am.  I'm really sensitive to it, and it prevents me from sleeping.  I can't sleep now.  I have to be up at 6, and i thought i was tired til i turned out the light and did my meditation tape.  My mind is racing.  Didn't I talk and write enough?  Apparently not.  I though of other stuff to contemplate.  

My brother.  "I want to hurt my friends.  Did you really move to pursue your career?  or did you just want to get away from people?" he asked me.  Really?  I was always so concerned about my career, that I forgot people really existed.  We've always had very different approaches to life and friends.  I only recently acknowledged how important it is to have friends, but that has always been really important to him.  Therefore, I can see how upsetting it would be to tire of the people you hang out with.  I've never EVER been willing to compromise my goals or ideas to fit in with a group (which...yes...sounds completely contrary to my last post).  When I was little, if my friends wanted to play dolls instead of climb trees, I decided they were dumb and boring, and that I would get different friends.  If that meant being alone until I found better friends, fine.  At least I'd be climbing trees in the mean time.  My brother was more the type to sacrifice what he wanted to do to be with people.  I don't think there's anything wrong with either way.  There's a balance between the 2, and we both have struggled on opposite extremes.  I pretty much do what i want to do, and expect that to attract other people who like doing the same things.  I need to expand that to saying what I think and feel, to attract people with similar ideas and morals.  I could also benefit from being more flexible, and compromising some of my plans to accommodate people I really like spending time with.  My brother on the other hand, I think could benefit from some time away from those people.  I know it's not my job to take his inventory, but he asked me for advice, and i'm muddling through it now, so that i'll be more coherent when i talk to him.  We all want to feel loved and accepted.  My bass-akwards strategy has always to be incredible at whatever i do, and impress everyone into liking me.  To be perfect.  He seems to take a more direct approach to fitting in, and has fallen into common high school and college traps: drugs, smoking, alcohol...I feel like he has no idea what he wants, or what he's passionate about.  I wish i could help him find it.  It just seems like life is so painful for him, and he just wants the time to pass faster.  I don't really know, but between smoking, drinking, and television, I feel like he always has something to numb out with.  You know?  We do different behaviors to address the same kind of spiritual hole.  In a way, a long time ago, he sacrificed a lot of who he was to fit in with these "friends", and now he's finally realizing that maybe they're not really good friends.  Maybe they're not the kind of people who he wants to be around.  But he doesn't know how to be alone.  It's hard to make new friends.  Especially when you've become like them.  Even if you leave them, you attract more people like you, and if you're behaving like them, well you just get more of the same people.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I was always so quick to abandon friends when i learned something about them that i didn't like.  I think I've always been a little scared of people's undesirable qualities rubbing off on me.  That's one of the things that keeps me so isolated.  I'm so quick to pick out whatever I don't like about a person, and run from it.  These days, I practice instead focusing on the positive things I see, and try to connect with that, but that's definitely a work in progress, and still in the beginning phases.  We have so much to learn.

Basically, I think we were both missing the point, which is:

to connect with people, be true to yourself, and have faith in a higher power.

He preoccupied himself with the connecting with people part, and mistook it for being with people and doing what they're doing.  it's not the same as connecting, and it doesn't mean anything if you're not true to yourself.

I locked in on being true to myself, only I got it wrong too.  Instead I "did what I wanted".  I still lost touch with the true inner me, and drove away the people I needed to connect with.

It leaves us both with an empty hole, and neither of us had any faith in a higher power.  I'm so grateful to be on the path to finding my higher power, and to be learning to be true to myself and connect with people.  Sometimes, it really clicks, and I feel so fulfilled and loved and happy.  I hope I can help him to find it too.