Peaceful Warrior

Quotes from an amazing movie I just saw called "Peaceful Warrior".  I swear this is my life story

You can live a whole lifetime without ever truly being awake.

slow down.  You might taste something.

Everyone tells you what to do and what's good for you.  They don't want you to find your own answers.  They want you to believe theirs.  I want you to stop gathering information from outside yourself, and start gathering from the inside.  People are afraid of what's inside, and that's the only place their gonna find what they need.

You tell me that you wanna be more than someone who gets up on those rings and performs a well practiced stunt or two.  You tell me you wanna be someone who uses his mind and his body in ways that most people would never have the courage to, and I will train you to be a real warrior.

People are not their thoughts.  They think they are, and it brings them all kinds of sadness.  The mind is just a reflex organ.  It reacts to everything.  It fills your head with millions of random thoughts a day.  And none of those thoughts reveal any more about you than a freckle does at the end of your nose.

Take out the trash. The trash is up here [in your head].  That's the first part of your training: learning how to throw away everything you don't need up here.  The trash is anything that's keeping you from the only thing that matters. This moment here and now.  And when you truly are in the here and now, you'll be amazed by what you can do, and how well you can do it.

 Present: 100% devoted to the experience. 

You're out of your mind, you know that?  It's taken a lifetime of practice.   We want you out of your mind too.  You weren't paying attention.  Even now you're not.  Your mind's filling up again.  You're missing out on everything that's going on.

Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you can come to your senses.

A warrior does not give up what he loves.  He finds the love in what he does.  

A warrior is not about perfection or victory or invulnerability.  He's about absolute vulnerability.  That's the only true courage.  

Life is choice.  You can choose to be a victim or anything else you'd like to be.  

A warrior acts.  Only a fool reacts.

What if I can't do it.  That's the future.  Throw it out.  

There is no starting or stopping.  Only doing.

All of humanity shares you predicament.  If you don't get what you want, you suffer.  And even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer,  because you can't hold onto it forever.  

You don't surrender your dreams.  You surrender the one thing you never have and you never will.  Control.  Accept that you don't control what will happen to you.  That you may or may not compete in the olympics and that you are something exceptional either way.

Chasing gold?  Living in fear that you might fail?  That's what you love?  No! Dreaming about standing up there and winning this thing-of doing what has always felt like I was put here to do.  I've been on a trampoline since before I could ride a bike because I loved it-because it was the first thing that I was sure that I loved...I'm sorry.  I thought i was strong, but I'm not.  Cuz I really tried to give this whole thing up, but I can't.

Life is a mystery.  Don't waste time trying to figure it out.  Keep a sense of humor, especially about yourself.  It is a strength beyond all measure.  Change: Know that nothing stays the same.

Come on!  This is what I was finally ready to see!?  Well the whole trip up here you were excited and happy!  Well, yeah!  because I thought I was gonna see something!  You were like a kid on christmas morning!  I mean you said so yourself.  The whole trip up here you felt good.  because for the past 3 hours I've been waiting to see this wonderful thing.  Well what changed?  that there's nothing here but this rock!  ... The journey.  The journey's what brings us happiness.  Not the destination.

hmmm...so according to my food plan, I can eat a meal now, but I'm not hungary yet, and my stomach feels full or bloated or something.  That's fine (uncomfortable, but fine), as long as I eat before 4:30.  no problem, right?  well, I teach a class from 4:00-5:00, so if I don't eat right now, I'm late.  I may very well get tired, cranky, and hungary during class, and not be present, but honestly, it's gotten late enough that if I eat now, I'll probably be late.  hmmm.  it is a dilemma, because as a compulsive overeater, I don't think it's smart or healthy to eat when i'm clearly not hungary, but if I go too long, I will feel that addiction for starving.  I can't just abandon my other obligations either.  I don't know if I'm really legitimately full, or if it's my head just telling my I'm fat, but this time I think I'm truly full.  This may or may not be a good idea, but I'm going to practice intuitive eating, and listening to my body.  I may or may not be ready, but we'll consider this an experiment.  I'm being accountable.  I will bring my dinner with me, and eat after class.  I will be a half hour late, and it is somewhat premeditated.  but I'm being honest with myself and others, and paying attention to my body's signals.  I'll let ya know how it goes.

Love Letter to Me

i was right.  I'm really really tired.  I can tell by how quickly my mood swings.  I was totally out of it until the brake in our meeting tonight when I got to connect with some people, and immediately everything was wonderful.  Little things were hilarious, and I was on a pink cloud for like 3 minutes before I felt weepy, and by the time I walked out I was about to cry again.  I thought I had a lot to share about, but thinking is so hard right now.  my head aches.  I delayed my 2nd meal today until the latest end of the acceptable time range according to my food plan.  It was an akward morning, and I had to stop in the middle of my workout to eat.  I was craving it, and it was time.  I went back to finish my workout, and just didn't want to.  I had other things to get done, and I knew i was tired anyway.  I felt pretty guilty about it, and was further aggrivated when my instructor made a snyde remark about how he does his workout all the way through.  He can't just stop to eat in the middle.  I told him I didn't like doing it that way either, but today i had to.  I'd been really wanting to do a hard ab workout, but couldn't do it then.  I'd have to save it for later.  I was going back to the gym in the evening anyway.  That's when I found the flat tire, and had my little temper tantrum again.

I'm struggling with my knee.  I think it's swollen again.  One doctor says don't bend it past 90 degrees or do any impact whatsoever.  The other says to stretch (bend as far as possible) for an hour every day.  It hurts to ride my bike and motorcycle right now cuz it's really stiff, and I'm afraid of tearing it again, but I don't know how else to get to meetings.  I hate asking for rides.  I hate being a burden.  I need to go to sleep.  But I promised Karen I'd write myself a love letter tonight, and since I totally don't want to, I know it'll be good for me.  Ugh.

Love Letter to Me:

Dear Me,

You are so freakishly awesome, it's not even funny.  Your incredible abilities, intelligence, determination, and adorable personality shine with a light so warm and bright, no person, circumstance, or eating disorder can hide it.  You overcome incredible adversity with grace and dignity.  You dance to the beat of your own drum, never compromising what you believe to fit in with the crowd.  You are driven to excellence at whatever you choose to do, and always choose what you love.  You fearlessly follow your passion, and courageously search your soul to truly know yourself.  You maintain the highest integrity you are capable of, and work constantly to bring it to an even higher level.  You reach out to others, listening, teaching, sharing, loving, and caring.  You love.  You are loved.  You are an inspiration to many people, and leave a mark on everyone who gets even a glimmer of the real you.  You are so honest, and self aware, so willing to learn and improve.  Your list of accomplishments is breath-taking.  You're beautiful and talented, and that's just the beginning.  You're humble enough to admit powerlessness, and practice acceptance of Life on Life's terms.  You maintain a positive hopeful attitude that is remarkably refreshing in a jaded world.  You have faith in life, people, and a higher power, and are brave enough to turn your will and life over to that power...or at least begin to practice doing so.  You are so fun, so adventurous, so creative, daring, eccentric, lovable, sweet, cute, tough, strong, amazing!, flexible, energetic, honest, moral, generous, kind, silly, focused, powerful, intense, passionate, and and....YOU.  you are so YOU.  and that's why you're loved.  That's why you're great.  And even though forget it frequently, it's always true.  The more you remember that, the more brightly your light will shine through.  As you continuously grow into a more fully actualized person-100% authenticly you, that light will be nearly blinding- undeniable and irresistable.  Trust in yourself.  Believe in you.  You can do ANYTHING.  You've got everything it takes.  All you have to do is let go.  I love you.

Tired

Life's been hard lately.  No.  My attitude has made it hard to cope with life.  Life hasn't changed.  I've just been reacting unproportionally to little things- like Ky says "the situation was a 2, and my reaction was a 10".  She was talking about when she's in her disease, and in the beginning phases of recovery when our coping mechanism is taken away, and we have not yet established new healthy ways of dealing.  I like to think I've moved past that, but I can't expect it to be a perfectly constant straight shot upward.  Even a steady climb is full of bumps and dips.  My acupuncturist explained his treatment to me today.  "We start light, increase intensity, and then pull it back.  Next time increase, next time pull it back.  If you go hard all of the time, the body builds up defense mechanisms, and the treatment becomes ineffective."  I had asked him to just give me the max intensity all of the time.  I could take it!  lol.  I didn't understand that the most efficient way is to go in cycles, choosing when to increase intensity.  "Just like physical training?" I asked him.  "Yes.  If you work out all of the time, and never give time to rest and recover, you break down the muscle, but never build it back up.  You end up losing muscle."  This same concept of moderation that I've been trying to learn about food seems to apply to everything.  If I starve, my body learns to defend against starvation by slowing down and burning fewer calories.  If I run constantly, my body needs a way to rest, and will force me to take that time whether I like it or not.  If I listen to those signals early, and train in cycles, then I can avoid injuries.  It was cool seeing the example in another arena.

But back to today's topic: What am I upset about?  I've  been really sad.  I threw a fit yesterday about groceries, and today when my bicycle got a flat tire.  Granted, they were seriously frustrating, but I could have found a solution quicker if I hadn't been crying hysterically.  And last night, I cried because no one could come out to dinner with me after the meeting.  I felt really lonely.  I didn't know how much I was craving quality time with friends until I couldn't have it.  I can always get someone to come out to dinner with me after the meeting, but not this week.  I've been getting upset about little things today, and big things from the past that I thought I was over.  I've been feeling really guilty about causing the drama that happened in February.  The group I applied for (waiting to hear back on Monday) is having me help with a fundraiser this saturday, and they're putting me at one of the front tables.  "some of the other girls who are signed up to help have drama attached, and we just can't have them in the middle of things.  We know you don't have anything like that."  It's mostly true.  I'm almost never involved in drama.  I hate it, and yet I let it happen in the worst possible place with the people I admire most.  And I have to keep it secret from everyone who could understand it.  I have such fear that the group will find out and lose respect for me, and think that I am the kind of person who sneaks around and stabs people in the back.  If they got any wind of what happened, I don't think they could understand how hard I fought to prevent it, and how largely successful I was in that effort, but the moments and ways in which I failed to fight off certain advances...well they never went very far!  but they were still hurtful, and I can't bear hurting someone else.  It took me almost 2 months to even acknowledge that I too had been hurt by the situation-deeply.  I lost everything I cared about most, but didn't even notice, because I was so crushed by the pain I had inflicted on someone else.  I know it wasn't ALL my fault, but I certainly played a part.  So I've been trying not to use that as amunition to harass myself with, but it's been persistently beating me down, along with the usual feeling of fatness and laziness.  cravings and desire to skip meals are more prevalent this week.  Why?  Honestly, I think it's just because I'm tired.  I feel really sleepy, and I know that ED takes advantage of those weak impressionable times.  I'm still really tired.  but i have to go to class.  I'm thinking about skipping my meeting tonight to get some rest and writing done, but I don't think that's a good idea either.

Glad to be back

After seeing how much I learned after writing last night, even when I didn't know I had anything to say, I'm excited to see if there's more today.  I forgot how good it feels to get everything out in writing.  I had a panic attack today.  I haven't had one for a while, because I'm getting better at accepting things, and finding the good in all situations, but outbursts like today used to be way more common.

I was leaving the gym on my bicycle, and wanted to go straight home, because i have so many things to get done (I'm including a nap and a lot of writing as high priority, but mail, bills, and some business need to get addressed as well).  But-I've been needing to go to trader joe's for a LONG time.  It really simplifies my life and food plan if I keep a huge stockpile of trader joe's salads and whole food's prepackaged meals in my fridge.  Then I don't have to worry about portion sizes or what to have.  It's just grab-n-go.  But I've been having to improvise for the past week and a half, because I haven't had time to go to my favorite stores.  So today, I decided to make the time investment, and get it done.  I set out in the opposite direction of my house to get the necessary supplies, filled my cart with everything I needed, and felt a huge relief.  My food would be taken care of for the rest of the week.  I was safe...BUT NOOOOOOOO!  I had to go and leave my wallet in my locker at the gym.  If I wanted my groceries, which I did! I would have to leave my cart, ride a half hour back to the gym, another half hour back, ...hour and a half wasted!!!! and not just the time...I'm not supposed to be riding my bicycle at all because it's probably tearing my knee, and I ruined it for nothing.  Why do I always do things like this?  Stupid little mistake that ruins the whole day.  I'm exhausted, and need a nap, and now there won't be time.  I fail at self care!  No wonder my knee can't heal.  No wonder I'm throwing a freakin' temper tantrum, and can't breath  (way to fail at acceptance too!!!).  It's not fair.  I can't come back.  I CAN'T!!!  It takes too much time.  I don't want to hurt my knee.  I need a ride, but I don't know who to call.  Everyone lives too far away.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to do.  I want to go home!  no I need my wallet either way, so my knee is ruined!

I went on like that for a long time.  I was coughing, spluttering, gasping for breath, and just crying hysterically as I rode my bike back to the gym.  I knew i was rediculous, but I couldn't help it.  I got to the gym, got my wallet, and continued crying.  I didn't know what I wanted.  I had to get groceries, but I couldn't bear to go back all that way.  Could I find someone to drive me?  No!   I don't want help.  I don't want to go.  I hate grocery shopping anyway.  It's triggering, and I don't want to go.  That's actually not true at all.  I normally don't mind, and if I accept a ride from the guy who's offering, I will finish my shopping and get home at about the same time as if I start riding straight home now.  You just want to sulk.  Chill out for a second.

Then I got over it, got a ride with my friend, got my groceries, and went home.  It was nice to get a chance to talk to him anyway.

Workout this morning was pretty good.  My favorite instructor was in charge instead of the usual nazi, and this one is really good about tailoring the workouts to challenge me without hurting my injury.  It was hard for 15-20 minutes of the 2.5 hours I was there, so for the rest of the time, I argued with myself.  I was so happy and fulfilled while I was being challenged and getting stronger, but every other minute my head was telling me that I wasn't working hard enough-that there were better things for me to be doing with my time.  I should stay longer, do my own exercises, quit being lazy!  I barely did 15 minutes, and the rest was like standing around and stretching.  Waste of time!  Do you know what you could be learning if you weren't so freakin' retarded?  What would he think if he saw this "workout"?  He'd call u a freakin' bum-which is what you are.  Way to do nothing, and pretend you're being active.  that's awesome.   Then I'd try to remind myself that I'm in a recovery cycle, not a building cycle.  It'smore about healing, taking care of myself, and learning to follow directions rather than try to control everything. it's ok! it's ok!  that's just an excuse for not wanting to do anything substancial.  You just don't want to admit that you're too lazy to think for yourself!  Too lazy to work.  DAhhhhhhhh!  enough!  I can train hard later...if I'm careful now.  it's only a few more weeks, and I have to stand up to the psychopath in my head.  Remember that I used to talk to myself exactly like that when i was training hard 8 hrs per day.  it wasn't fun.  No matter how much I did, none of it was fun or productive because i couldn't focus on anything except how much I sucked and how lazy I was.  No amount of training or skill would have changed that.  The only way to fix it is by an investment now.  I have to relax, and let myself be lazy, and not yell at myself for it.  If I can learn to do that now, when I return to training, all of the energy that went into self destructive thought will be freed up to focus on learning and growing.

I'm OK now.  and it's pretty cool that these types of arguments happen as rarely as they do now instead of constantly.  It's progress.  OK, well it's time for lunch.  I'm gonna hop in the pool first, and then go take care of my body!

Since part of my disease was about always prioritizing productivity (nutrition, training, studying, work...) over people, I consider it a big step in my recovery to take time away from my routine to spend time with friends...even if it means getting behind on my writing/recovery work or missing a little sleep.  And I hate to do it...that's how I know it's right.  My instincts tell me that I must eat perfectly, train as much as I can while maintaining health and sanity, and sleep as much as necessary to remain optimally productive.  Whatever miniscule amount of time is left must be devoted to bills, paperwork, and marketing my business stuff.  It's hard for me to understand how it is acceptable to sacrifice any of these things to spend time with people, but I force myself to do it.  Sometimes it's fun, and quite often, I'm just not into it, but I practice being present and authentic.  That is something I'm committed to.  So I actually went out last night with some friends from work, who I haven't seen in months...or since before I went into recovery.  It was fairly successful.  I was present, and found it much easier to talk to people than I used to...business-wise, it was probably pretty productive, and I have no particular desire to do it again.  I still don't get why it's fun to stand around in a sports bar trying to yell over the noise of the crowd.  It was nice to see people and catch up, but honestly, I would have preferred to stay home and get things done.  The entire day today was so stressful, because I didn't accomplish the tasks I needed to do last night in order to prepare for today.  Ugh!  but ya know what?  It was OK.  Actually, a lot of the things I forgot to do ended up not being needed.  My application packet is submitted, and will be voted on next Monday.  One of the requirements is a minimum annual income, which I wasn't sure I met.  I was trying to figure out how to change it or present it in a sneaky way so that it would be what they wanted, but I realized it was a black-and-white thing.  Either I had the numbers or I didn't.  All I could do was be honest, submit my earnings, and LET GO OF THE RESULTS.  That's what I've been practicing, right?  Well, I did the math, told the truth, and found out that I met that requirement in a legitimate way.  I've done all I can do.  The only thing left to do is pray and wait.  As far as my "to do" list, the things that remain undone are not yet due.  I still have time.  So it is all OK.

I do still struggle with accepting my body as it is.  Events come up, and I get excited about dressing up and showing off, because I have been consistent in my healthy eating and training, but then I realize that I'm not good enough, and that I'll have to work really hard to look acceptable by this weekend.  There's a specific person who I may possibly run into this Saturday who I haven't seen since January.  The last time I saw him he said "The next time I see you, you better be f*#@in'  ripped."  It was an order.  I used to judge my every action based on how he would view it, and I've done a lot of work to defy that way of thinking.  It's really hard, because he and I valued (and still value) a lot of the same things, and he has achieved everything in his career that I strive for.  He always said that being in incredible shape was baseline minimum requirement for our career.  minimum!  There are so many skills we have to perfect in order to even qualify to be good, and he demanded (as I demand of myself) that I be beyond good, beyond great...the best.  I know that I have to do recovery before I can achieve anything like that, but I still feel like I've betrayed him, and a big part of myself by taking so much time away from training.  and I know that it's necessary not just for training, but to heal my injuries, but there are other things I could be doing that wouldn't aggrivate those parts of my body!  aren't I bad for not finding a way to keep training?  better. harder. faster.  I do feel like I've abandoned our goal.  It was a project we were working on together, and I feel like I walked out on us.  I know that's not the reality of the situation, but I feel it, so I had to say it.  Cuz feelings aren't good or bad, right or wrong.  They just ARE.  and I can't deny them, so I'm stating that that's how I feel.  When I went out with friends on Sunday, one of them had run into him recently.  He told me a story about something he said to a guy that really annoys me sometimes.  It was hilarious.  I was laughing so hard, my legs almost crumbled out from under me...but it was hard...hearing about him being so characteristically him.  It reminded me of how much I miss him, and what an incredible opportunity I had when I was training with him.  It's so painful to think about how wonderful it would be to still be there, but I don't have that option anymore, and it's really hard to accept that that's OK, and that it happened for a reason.  I want to believe that it'll turn out better in the long run.  I hope so.  I feel like I'll continue having a hard time living with it until I can see concrete evidence that it did turn out for the best, but there's no sense living in misery until that time.  I can live happily and in the moment if I am just willing to believe that it's all for the best, and just accept how things are.  Sometimes I can, and sometimes it's too hard, but that's just part of the journey I guess.

Wow.  I didn't think I had that much to say, but I'm glad I kept writing.  I didn't think I had anything to say.  It's funny how things just come up when I start writing.  Well now, I'll be sleep deprived again tomorrow, but at least I expressed what I needed to.

I'm a little tired.  I'm having writing withdrawls too!  Just so much has been going on that I haven't had time to organize my thoughts.  I was in the mountains all weekend, and have been rushing all over the place today-training, meetings, errands, groceries, and organizing an application packet for a really prestigous group that I'm pretty invested in.  It was stressful, and I feel like I need a few days to get recentered.  I have a bunch of mail to go through, some bills to pay, and some receipts to file...some RSVPs, and a lot of scheduling.  I just feel so off kilter when I don't have it all laid out in front of me in a pretty hour-by-hour schedule.  Some important appointment could pop up right in front of me, and I'd be completely unprepared.  or I'd miss it completely.  I don't have anything planned for this evening, so hopefully, i'll get some of that taken care of.  I also journaled a lot this weekend about relationships.  The one I'm in...well...we haven't discussed it-what it is or how serious-titles...I was going to ask him his philosophy on dating so that I knew where I stood, but our phones weren't working.  then i realized that I couldn't just depend on him to define the relationship.  I had to figure out what I thought of it, what I wanted, how I felt about him and relationships...I didn't want to know any of it, but I made myself think about it.  I searched within, and found answers...and more questions.  I still haven't had a chance to talk to him about it, so I think that's weighing on me a little, and the desire to control the outcome of my business application that I submitted this morning.  My head's aching.  I am tired.  oh well!  off to class!  later!