God is Amazing.

I'm so...ugh...i don't know.  restless right now.  Bored?  yes.  extremely.  This is exactly the feeling I used to have when I would just be dyyyyyying to eat.  It sucks.  I feel like I've basically been doing everything right.  I've finally gotten used to a somewhat regular routine that gives me time to train, work, take care of myself and my recovery, and keep my home tidy.  I make time for phone calls and time with friends.  I've even been dating a pretty great guy for the past few weeks...

wanna know about frustrating?  i wrote for an hour after that point, and when i was finally ready to post, the internet stopped working, and deleted the whole thing.  yeah.  pissed.  In fact.  i was crying inside, but refusing to show it, because freakin mr. wonderful over here is being all touchy feely, and all I want to do is just run.  I want to run til my legs fall off, which is my primary definition of compulsive overexercising.  so good for me: I took contrary action, and stayed right here on the couch, cuz i have a stupid knee problem.  then I asked for the internet password, and came back to my blog.  I think maybe the more recovery thing to do would have been to be a little more open, and talk to this guy about what he was doing that was making me uncomfortable.  In fact, I was about to when the internet turned off, and i got really upset, and told him only about the things that didn't involve him, but neglected to mention the more relevant topics.  But I really did have a lot to process before I got to that point.  This will be the condensed version...

I feel like I'm gonna go on an adventure binge...My life and schedule have been so mundane and boring lately because it's been filled with physical therapy, really really simple boring conditioning and basic techniques, learning to have a social life (which I have always found dull), and of course recovery.  I feel like my adventures have been so restricted that just like when you restrict food and binge later, I am dying for a massive adventure- zip line/ exploring a jungle, scaling the face of a huge cliff, commandeering a ship, and taking it to exotic foreign places, and perhaps running from the law...on a high speed motorcycle chase that ends in a makeshift treehouse in a redwood forrest or something.  Activity and adventure were basically my sole way of self fulfillment for so long, that I feel empty without them.  I know that my injuries came when they did for a reason, and that without them, I could have continued trying to stuff my life with overstimulation, and never would have found this spiritual cure- never would have connected with a higher power.  And if I didn't have the remnants of this injury now, and tons of people and coaches around me forcing me to take time off from the activities I love, then I'd never make the time to really learn how to stay connected to my higher power.  It's great that I'm so passionate about going out and living life to the fullest, but I can't neglect my higher power.  No matter how much you do, it eventually catches up to you.  So just like when i was in the recovery house, and it was extra hard because my old tools, defenses, and distractions had been taken away, now is that concentrated recovery when I'm going to be hit with the most challenging triggers.  I have to deal with down time.  I don't get to define myself by the cool things I'm doing.  My life feels pretty normal and regular right now, so i have to look deep within myself if I want to know who I am.  I didn't have to look before.  I could just rattle off a list of activities, and say "that's who I am, and it's really cool."  but if i'm doing normal things that don't make me stand out from the crowd, then I have a choice:  I can say, I'm just like everybody else, and there's nothing special about me, or I can fearlessly search within to know me for who I am...not what I do.  So the important conclusion I came to before was that even though I have to stick to a sucky boring schedule right now, I really am doing it just for today.  this isn't the rest of my life.  it's preparation for it.  I'm healing my knee so that I can return to real adventures.  And if my injury was gone, and I was 100% physically recovered right now, then I would be sooo overexcited about returning to all of my sports and ventures that I would neglect my recovery work.  Without this injury and the coaches and support teams i have to remind me of it and keep me from my exercise and adrenaline addiction, I'd never have the time to learn how to stay connected to my friends and higher power.  I would forget them, and wonder why my life was crumbling.  Right now, I choose to accept that i have a knee injury right now because i need a knee injury right now.  I'm training with a power hungary dictator of a coach, because i need to surrender control to someone who knows more than I do.  I have a freak-ton of time on my hands, because I have a LOT of info to process, I need to take time for self care, time with friends, and learning to socialize.  There is suddenly a guy in my life, because...well apparently, it's the right time, and there's something for me to learn from that too.  The computer deleted my post, because even though i was saying the right things, i didn't get it yet.  i didn't feel it, or believe it, and I was going to stop writing when I still had this turbulence in my head, but since I had to stick with it, and write more, I found some peace.  Life is weird that way...Amazing...surprising...it always blows my mind how there is ALWAYS something valuable to be gained from every situation if you can just keep your mind open.  The suckier the event, the harder you have to work to stay open minded and receptive, but it's always there, it's always worth it, and your life will always get better.  you just have to trust.  

uuuuuughhhhhhh!!!!! i am so extremely uncomfortable right now.  I just feel like screaming, and beating my hands against something.  I don't know who i'm madder at right now.  This stupid weirdo guy or myself.  Probably myself.  He totally doesn't understand what he's doing that is frustrating me so much, and I'm the one who's allowing it to get to me.  I was already kinda disgruntled this morning, cuz I stayed at a friends house overnight, and since I was out of my usual setting and routine, I forgot to pray before bed AND when I woke up.  I came home, and spent almost 2 hours journaling and praying just to recenter myself.  Then I had the meal that I had been planning for myself a couple hours before when I couldn't stop obsessing about it, so it was a planned meal, well within the bounds of my food plan, though not the healthiest choice.  It is one of the least healthy meals I allow myself on a regular basis, but I really like it, so when I'm craving it, I eat it.  It hasn't ever really gotten out of hand, so I'm usually OK with it, but sometimes eating those breaded chicken tenders does stress me out a little.  As I was walking inside to cook them, my neighbor came outside, and I thought it would be a good recovery idea to bring my lunch outside to be with company and socialize while I was eating.  Isolating during meals isn't really a good idea, right?  So I came out with some light reading material and my chicken tenders, and my neighbor instantly comes over to talk about my food.  awesome.  and yes- this is the same neighbor who offered me some chocolate the other day, tried to justify its nutritional value, and then asked me "how many pounds you are?"  yeah-there's a language barrier.  So today, he brought up the chocolate from our last conversation, and then moved on to comment on my body and musculature.  It was generally complimentary, but I was getting really tense, and didn't want to be thinking about my body.  Especially if he was going to talk about how he lost 40 lbs by accident or the fact that we are probably about the same weight.  I really don't want to hear it.  Then he wanted to know about work, and how I was able to pay bills since I haven't gotten a day of work yet this month- obviously a fun topic for me to talk about.  Then he wanted to use my computer to look up Russian airline tickets, and the kids are splashing in the pool, and chicken tenders are not a good meal! and and.....Raph better have been joking last night when he said he should start starving all day and then purging before shows and just bingeing afterwards.  He better not!  I wonder if that was upsetting me more than I though it was.  I'm gonna e-mail him right now, and find out, because it sounds positively absurd right now, and i know he couldn't possibly think that would work...but a little over a year ago when I started performing there, it actually seemed like a brilliant strategy, and I employed it until I crumbled, and beyond.

blah blah bla...

I don't know what I want to talk about right now, but there's so much stuff floating haphazardly around my head, and I feel like I'm ignoring it all right now.  I'm actually watching youtube videos about other people's struggles/recoveries, which could be a very good idea, but i think I might be doing it because I'm too lazy to search within myself right now...or avoiding it?  oh!  wait!  that wasn't a nice self loving thing to say.  I'm not lazy.  Sometimes it's OK to take time to relax.  but anyway, I think I was waiting to processes todays events with someone before I scheduled tomorrow, but now it's too late for me to get to sleep in time to get enough rest and make it to either of the possible morning activities.  Maybe I should have chosen on my own, but I'm really confused about a lot of things right now, and I just don't feel up to making the decision.  Now I'm probably going to miss both of them, and I'm really upset about it.  I really need to catch up on some rest, but I can't go to sleep now, because i have too much on my mind, but i don't feel like thinking about it because i'm too tired!  now I'm ornery.  OK.  So I basically made it through yesterday and today following my assigned exercise plan without adding or changing anything.  I was even feeling good about sticking to it for the week, until one of the assistant coaches advised me to set boundaries with the head coach- to understand that he has his own agenda, and will put his interests first...not that he doesn't want the best for me, but he may make unreasonable demands on my time that benefit him more than me.  He explained a few serious reasons (i won't go into detail here) that I should take his "orders" with a grain of salt, set boundaries, and evaluate on my own what is best for me.  ugh.  Of course I love that.  That means I get to control everything again.  But that's horrible!  I need to trust someone.  I need to surrender, and ugh.  The good thing was that this assistant instructor seems really wise and trustworthy in his own way.  I opened up to him, and explained why I needed to surrender and follow orders exactly, and he is willing to help me filter.  We talked about which demands I must comply with absolutely, and which are in my best interests to ignore.  There are many that will have to be evaluated on a case by case basis, and now I have another person to check in with on that.  We've devised a loose plan for the next month, which of course I hate, because my activity stays restricted, but it's not so extreme that I can't live with it.  He agrees it's a good idea for me to go to my other classes and take notes.  Learn, but don't physically participate.  It's hard for me, but it's not unreasonable (like what the head coach was asking).  This seems like a much more balanced way.  now I'm really tired.

I got lost on the way to an important meeting today, and managed to remain fairly calm.  That was unusual.  Most of the time I was curious to see how this apparent disaster would positively change my life, outlook, path, or what lesson I would gain.  I still have no idea, but I do know that after I got there 45 min late, the meeting continued for another 2 hours.  It was a fascinating debate about specific politics that directly affect my life and career, but which I presently knew nothing about.  I was there to listen and learn, and with my attention span, could I have remained present sitting still for 3 whole hours?  I was probably going to miss 45 min of discussion whether it was at the beginning when i was lost or at the end when I got fidgety and checked out, right?  i dunno.  And no one minded that I was late.  They actually hadn't managed to give me the info about the location change, which is why I was at the totally wrong place initially, so it wasn't even my fault.  And since I was still awake and present and interested at the end, I got to meet and talk with some of my biggest role models, who I've admired for years, but only met today.  It was pretty cool.

Oh!  so i had an audition this afternoon, but the one yesterday was way more interesting.  I wasn't too worried about it, because...well, I didn't care that much if I got the job.  It would totally be fun, but I didn't think I was necessarily right for it.  So I didn't stress or overprepare (as if there was anything to really look at before hand!).  And there were no sides there.  It was all improv...I...don't improv.  I took a class once, but I can hardly improv normal conversation in real life sometimes, let alone a scene! (or at least it feels that way)  He gave us this scenario, gave me like 20 seconds to come up with my own back story and deep dark secret, and then started the scene.  I had no idea what my secret was.  I just tried to trust, relax, keep breathing and listening, and it kinda worked for me that my character was hiding something.  I hid the fact that I had no idea what my secret was...until he said something that hit me, and all of a sudden, I knew!  but i didn't want to tell him.  it was perfect!  ok.  not really.  but it was totally fine.  I believed in it, was fully invested, and when i was forced to reveal it, I was on the verge of tears.  it was so cool!  my stomach was full of fluttery nerves for the next half hour until after dinner when i got to do a really fun workout (which I did have permission to do)!  It was great.I've been going back and forth congratulating myself and beating myself up for my audition_ always judging, but  mostly beating up.   I'm trying not to do that.  it's just not productive.   and then I got invited to go to dinner tonight with some old friends I ran into at the gym that night.  but instead of calling them to find out where and when they were meeting, I decided to test them and see if they cared enough about me to call and tell me on their own.  Seriously?  when is that ever a good idea?  it's not.  and i was disappointed.  If I wanted to go, I should have just called and asked.  i knew i was welcome.  but I'm not even sure i wanted to go.  actually i didn't.  I just thought i should to be social, and more in recovery.  what I really wanted was to get home and go to sleep early, which I totally didn't do!  ugh.  I hate when i miss out on things for no reason.  but i didn't!  whatever happened for a reason, and I did what I was supposed to do...bla bla bla.  OK.  i think it's really time for me to go to sleep.  I'll pray about my unknown schedule for tomorrow, and let myself be surprised.  the challenge will be accepting whatever happens or doesn't happen.  eh-  good night.

Oops! wow. I'm an addict.

First of all, I have to say how incredibly grateful I am that my current addictive behavior is relatively healthy...at least at the moment.  That said, I am so freakin' powerless over my exercise habits!  Last night I really recognized the value of surrendering control-giving up my extra workouts and activities.  I realized that I had to give up control at least for a little while, and I committed to do it today.  I deviated slightly at 9 am, but was honest about it.  At 5pm, I confessed to my sponsor that I had done tripple the assigned time on the treadmill.  I knew that I had strayed.  I knew what I was doing at the time, and I didn't really even try to justify it.  There was no point.  I just shut off my brain, and did what I wanted.  Then my sponsor asked me to make a commitment that I would be done exercising for the night.  "no problem! I'm going to a meeting, then having dinner and a movie with a friend, and then going to bed.  This is going to be easy, and I get to be the good kid for sticking to a commitment."  haha!  i--------was wrong.  I initiated a wrestling match in the living room during the movie.  And I'm laughing at it!  It all seems so silly and harmless, but the voice in my head that says it's OK to disregard my commitments, defy my coach, ignore my injuries, and force my will on everything is the same voice that justifies bingeing, purging, starving, and of course overexercising to a dangerous extreme far worse than what I'm doing now.  I've been there many times before, and no matter how many hours I spend training, it always tells me that it's not enough- that I can do more- that living room wrestling matches and walking on the treadmill don't count, so I can do more of something else, and roller blading and bicycling don't count either because they're fun outdoor time, and the other stuff I did wasn't at a high enough intensity, so I should probably do something else.  Just because it may actually be reasonable now doesn't make it OK.  The point is not whether it's reasonable or not.  The point is for me to let go- to stop controlling something that I have manipulated for ...7 years?  This is going to be really hard, and sometimes I don't feel committed, but other times I do.  And that's progress.  

People Pleaser...me?

Haha.  I just accidentally turned my disease against itself again!  I love when that happens.  So one of the things we do is allow our self esteem to be based on outside factors.  We feed off of praise and compliments from others, and drive ourselves mad over achieving just so that we can have some peace of mind.  I love the part of the big book that talks about our character defects and how sometimes they turn out to be really positive character traits when used in a constructive rather than destructive way.  When I am driven to be the best, the strongest, the skinniest, physically perfect, it leads to insanity and self destruction, but when combined with a willingness to work with nature and follow the plan of my higher power, my determination, people pleasing, and even perfectionism (which I have actually abandoned in favor of EXCELLENCE, which is way more interesting and exciting) can be so healthy and amazing.

Today, I was talking to my sponsor, calling myself out on every silly insane thought or rationalization, commenting on how absurd my thoughts were, and clearly stating what it was that I knew I needed to do to stay in line with my higher power and defeat ED.  I love grasping new recovery concepts and telling my friends and role models in program just how inspired and enthusiastic I am about program.  I love appearing present and enlightened, and I loooooove the positive reinforcement I get back.  I love expressing uncomfortable feelings, because "that's really hard, but that's what recovery is."  If I do that, then I'm really good at recovery, and if I ask an old-timer for advice, and then show them how well I listened, then I'm better at recovery than everyone else, and everyone will think I'm really cool, and will want to be my friend.  How funny!?  and how typical?  lol...that's just how we think, right?  The cool thing about it, though, is that when I do that, no one has really told me what to do.  I have chosen it on my own.  Even though part of me was doing it for the outside positive reinforcement, I've found the right course, and committed to it, thinking I actually want it...thinking that that's who I am, and part of how I think.  my new definition of self has recovery, integrity, accepdance, humility, and self care woven into it.  I may realize after saying what I need to do, that I really don't want to do it, but now I've made a commitment to someone who's praise I strongly desire.  Haha!  so then my disease has to choose between perfectionism/outside validation vs. self will.  Throw in the fact that my life and recovery depend on sticking to my commitment, and the scale tips much more easily.  OK...honest moment...I made that sound a lot easier than it is.  My self will is really freakin' strong, and I'm really used to following it.  but we'll see.  I've committed to following my coach's orders for at least today, and I think I can make it through a week.  Feel free to check up on me, and see how I'm doing on that.  I'd also like to try abiding traffic laws for a while...someday.  maybe today...we'll see how much I'm up for.  ; )

Just For Today

Just for today, I'm going to surrender control of my workouts, training, and exercise routine to my coach.  I couldn't do it yesterday, because I was not being present.  I was thinking about how I couldn't possibly commit to following orders for a full 1-2 years.  I was terrified and stressed out.  I cried a lot.  And I used the phrase a lot before, but it never made sense to me.  If I couldn't commit to do it for a lifetime, what was the point?  That seems like such a silly way of thinking now!  I don't have to worry about the rest of the week or the month or even the week, thank goodness, because I couldn't do it!  But I can do this day, and in this day, I will have peace, and will be taking great strides in my recovery.  Never before have I willingly surrendered control of something I cared about, and this is the thing I care the most about.  It's so important for me to try it.  I prayed about this.  I couldn't make a decision.  Follow the rules, or do it my way?  I desperately needed the benefits that come with following the rules, but I couldn't make the necessary sacrifices.  I prayed to know God's will for me, and for the willingness to do it.  And tonight, I realized that at least for a day, I want to do whatever my coach tells me.  It just came out of nowhere!  I think that is so rad. 

 (oh-and I still feel like such a dweeb saying things like "I prayed" and "God's will"... I've always been so anti-religious....ummm more on that later.  I need to go to sleep.)

Contemplating Cravings

hmmmm...I keep thinking I should eat something.  It's that restlessness again.  I know I'm not hungary.  I ate like 20 minutes ago, and I was kinda irritable before that too.  I don't feel like anything is weighing on my mind, but my experience over the past 98 days has suggested that there must be something eating at me, and the only way to be present and peaceful (and lose the craving) is to dig...what could it be...

I've been debating with a lot of people about my abstinence lately.  It was really scary and stressful for me to have it called into question on Saturday (even though I went to a workshop specifically to seek advice on defining it).  Everyone agrees that I am the only one who can really define it for myself, but many people who I really trust and admire, who have a lot of years of recovery feel that my abstinence is too restrictive.  They think that no purging would be enough, and that saying I will never binge is just setting myself up for failure.  I have a hard time grasping this idea.  If I'm not abstaining from bingeing, what am I really abstaining from?  What's the point of counting days when the days don't mean anything to you?  Giving up purging was not difficult for me.  It was only a method of compensating for the binges.  I tried everything to stop the binges, and that's the real addiction for me.  And since I started program, I haven't even come close to bingeing.  That was the whole reason I've taken so much time out of my life to seek recovery: to stop bingeing.  I got way more than that in return.  I got a higher power, and friends, and mentors, and a system of living, but bingeing disconnects me from all of that, doesn't it?  I considered making my abstinence related to that: staying connected, but that is such a new hard thing for me!  and of course it is!  It's all new, and I'm learning, but I can't expect to be connected all of the time!  It's something for me to keep working on, and long term, it's the only thing that keeps me from compulsively over eating, but making that my abstinence is even more abstract than "no bingeing".  I really wanted to figure out exactly where I drew the line between clean abstinence and broken, but I'm starting to think that I might be better off without a clear line.  I know I have a tendency to find the line, walk right up to it, stand on it, jump up and down on it, put my toe over the edge, jump back and forth, and then fall over the edge.  If there's no absolute line, I am less tempted to approach it.  It's less interesting.  I love rebelling against authority, and this is something that I really don't want to test, so perhaps it's best if it remains general.  Also, if I know quantitatively how much I can have before it's a binge, I'm more likely to get close to it when I'm too tired to think.  If you're walking at the top of a cliff, and there is a clear stone edge, you may walk comfortably near it than if there is a wide sliding dirt edge that looks like it may crumble out from under you.  You'll be more cautious, because you're not sure which ground is safe to walk on.  You keep your distance when you're too tired to be on your toes.  Would you ever draw a line in the middle of that sliding slope, and say that this side of the line is safe, and the other isn't?  There may be some points on the other side of that line that won't drop you off the edge if you have your wits about you, but you generally want to stay as far away from there as possible.  And that's what my food plan does.  It keeps me so far away from a binge, that I don't have to think.  I can walk around with my eyes shut, and know that as long as I stick to those guidelines, I don't have to worry.  When I'm on top of my game, I stay within my guidelines, and practice being aware.  I take note of when I get hungary, and practice stopping when I feel fullness.  But if circumstances demand that I take a few steps outside of my safety zone, well I have to be extra cautious.  I have to use those skills I've been practicing.  And if I fell off the cliff...believe me:  I'd know it.  And I'd know when it was happening.  Having spent a few days digesting the input and my own thoughts and feelings, I actually feel really good about this vague abstinence.  No purging, No restricting, and NO BINGEING.  at least for today.

wow.  well i thought it was gonna be hard to figure out what was bugging me.  I guess it was pretty obvious this time.  and I'm totally not hungary.  later!