blah blah bla...

I don't know what I want to talk about right now, but there's so much stuff floating haphazardly around my head, and I feel like I'm ignoring it all right now.  I'm actually watching youtube videos about other people's struggles/recoveries, which could be a very good idea, but i think I might be doing it because I'm too lazy to search within myself right now...or avoiding it?  oh!  wait!  that wasn't a nice self loving thing to say.  I'm not lazy.  Sometimes it's OK to take time to relax.  but anyway, I think I was waiting to processes todays events with someone before I scheduled tomorrow, but now it's too late for me to get to sleep in time to get enough rest and make it to either of the possible morning activities.  Maybe I should have chosen on my own, but I'm really confused about a lot of things right now, and I just don't feel up to making the decision.  Now I'm probably going to miss both of them, and I'm really upset about it.  I really need to catch up on some rest, but I can't go to sleep now, because i have too much on my mind, but i don't feel like thinking about it because i'm too tired!  now I'm ornery.  OK.  So I basically made it through yesterday and today following my assigned exercise plan without adding or changing anything.  I was even feeling good about sticking to it for the week, until one of the assistant coaches advised me to set boundaries with the head coach- to understand that he has his own agenda, and will put his interests first...not that he doesn't want the best for me, but he may make unreasonable demands on my time that benefit him more than me.  He explained a few serious reasons (i won't go into detail here) that I should take his "orders" with a grain of salt, set boundaries, and evaluate on my own what is best for me.  ugh.  Of course I love that.  That means I get to control everything again.  But that's horrible!  I need to trust someone.  I need to surrender, and ugh.  The good thing was that this assistant instructor seems really wise and trustworthy in his own way.  I opened up to him, and explained why I needed to surrender and follow orders exactly, and he is willing to help me filter.  We talked about which demands I must comply with absolutely, and which are in my best interests to ignore.  There are many that will have to be evaluated on a case by case basis, and now I have another person to check in with on that.  We've devised a loose plan for the next month, which of course I hate, because my activity stays restricted, but it's not so extreme that I can't live with it.  He agrees it's a good idea for me to go to my other classes and take notes.  Learn, but don't physically participate.  It's hard for me, but it's not unreasonable (like what the head coach was asking).  This seems like a much more balanced way.  now I'm really tired.

I got lost on the way to an important meeting today, and managed to remain fairly calm.  That was unusual.  Most of the time I was curious to see how this apparent disaster would positively change my life, outlook, path, or what lesson I would gain.  I still have no idea, but I do know that after I got there 45 min late, the meeting continued for another 2 hours.  It was a fascinating debate about specific politics that directly affect my life and career, but which I presently knew nothing about.  I was there to listen and learn, and with my attention span, could I have remained present sitting still for 3 whole hours?  I was probably going to miss 45 min of discussion whether it was at the beginning when i was lost or at the end when I got fidgety and checked out, right?  i dunno.  And no one minded that I was late.  They actually hadn't managed to give me the info about the location change, which is why I was at the totally wrong place initially, so it wasn't even my fault.  And since I was still awake and present and interested at the end, I got to meet and talk with some of my biggest role models, who I've admired for years, but only met today.  It was pretty cool.

Oh!  so i had an audition this afternoon, but the one yesterday was way more interesting.  I wasn't too worried about it, because...well, I didn't care that much if I got the job.  It would totally be fun, but I didn't think I was necessarily right for it.  So I didn't stress or overprepare (as if there was anything to really look at before hand!).  And there were no sides there.  It was all improv...I...don't improv.  I took a class once, but I can hardly improv normal conversation in real life sometimes, let alone a scene! (or at least it feels that way)  He gave us this scenario, gave me like 20 seconds to come up with my own back story and deep dark secret, and then started the scene.  I had no idea what my secret was.  I just tried to trust, relax, keep breathing and listening, and it kinda worked for me that my character was hiding something.  I hid the fact that I had no idea what my secret was...until he said something that hit me, and all of a sudden, I knew!  but i didn't want to tell him.  it was perfect!  ok.  not really.  but it was totally fine.  I believed in it, was fully invested, and when i was forced to reveal it, I was on the verge of tears.  it was so cool!  my stomach was full of fluttery nerves for the next half hour until after dinner when i got to do a really fun workout (which I did have permission to do)!  It was great.I've been going back and forth congratulating myself and beating myself up for my audition_ always judging, but  mostly beating up.   I'm trying not to do that.  it's just not productive.   and then I got invited to go to dinner tonight with some old friends I ran into at the gym that night.  but instead of calling them to find out where and when they were meeting, I decided to test them and see if they cared enough about me to call and tell me on their own.  Seriously?  when is that ever a good idea?  it's not.  and i was disappointed.  If I wanted to go, I should have just called and asked.  i knew i was welcome.  but I'm not even sure i wanted to go.  actually i didn't.  I just thought i should to be social, and more in recovery.  what I really wanted was to get home and go to sleep early, which I totally didn't do!  ugh.  I hate when i miss out on things for no reason.  but i didn't!  whatever happened for a reason, and I did what I was supposed to do...bla bla bla.  OK.  i think it's really time for me to go to sleep.  I'll pray about my unknown schedule for tomorrow, and let myself be surprised.  the challenge will be accepting whatever happens or doesn't happen.  eh-  good night.