New Opportunities

i'm in such a weird place in my life.  Based on my way of thinking for most of my life, nothing is as it should be, and i'm totally miserable, but thank God, that's not the way it is.  I am unreasonably happy and excited about life.  Nothing I could have done could have changed my circumstances.  Certain things happened that were beyond my control, and while last year i would have alternated between denial and misery, this year I am open to the amazing new directions in which my life could go.  I love the path my life was on before my accident, and hope that I can continue on that path.  I will continue to do what footwork I can towards that goal, but there is very little that I can healthfully do in that direction, while there are so many new inspiring ideas which are not at all hindered by my current condition.  Yesterday, i had no committments, appointments, or obligations.  nothing but possibilities and time.  Everything seems to be falling into place, and all of my footwork seems to be leading in several very promising directions.  different directions, and i don't know if they'll all fit together.  that's such familiar territory for me.  i always have a million things to do, and have to scramble to fit them all in.  Since my whole schedule planner emptied out 5 weeks ago, i've really learned to love this fly by the seat of my pants way of life.  i'm planning all kinds of road trips, and getting really used to having no place to be.  So suddenly my schedule might be filling up.  I'm feeling pressure to figure out how to fit everything in while i still have time.  id i'm gonna have one job that forces me to at least stay in town, then i might as well get all these other things (like massage school and community college classes, and fire fighter training) done at the same tiem.  but that means coordinating them all, making sure they're in the same vacinity, and that they don't overlap.  then i have to move so that i'm close to that area, and can i afford it?  then what if i have no free time?  what if i go back to all of my old habits?  

ohhhhhhhh.  that's why i was "hungary" a couple of minutes ago.  the opportunities are exciting, yet safe and comfortable when they're only vague possibilities in the distant future, but when they start coming to fruition, i have to face the practicality of them-the logistics rather than just the ideal.

I guess i just have to remember that i only have to do the small steps directly in front of me and i don't have to do everything at once.  most summer classes don't start til june 22.  hmmm.  it just came to me.  over the summer, i want to work at the treatment center and take sign language, and live in the OC...somewhere.  it'll be like summer vacation while i heal.  i can put the other 3 jobs on hold (unless they pursue me) until fall, so i can focus on a few.  so that makes the top priorities 1. my own recovery and program, 2. training for the job i just got? and doing it, 3. getting a place to live down there for a while, and 4. a summer school class.  that's more than enough.  i feel so much better.

Happy Birthday!

I just celebrated my first birthday, and it was the most warm, wonderful, fulfilling birthday week I've ever had.  I love OA, and taking chips and candles!  Both of my sponsors got me cards, and one even gave me a present!  One other meeting sent a card around the room, and everyone signed it.  I haven't thrown a party for myself since i was 12, but at the last minute, i invited everyone at the meeting this morning to a birthday pool party.  Only 3 could make it, but it was perfect.  I'm gonna actually plan ahead next time, and have a real party.  Before my birthday, i was feeling pretty isolated, and really bogged down.  I made a list of things i had on my mind that needed to be processed, and here is the list...my goal is to journal on one each day until my mind is clear of worry.  I expect to be adding to the list as i go, so it may never be completely gone.  I'm sure it will come and go...ebb and flow...like everything else.  but here it is : ) 

  married friend

  taking advantage of friends

  neglecting/procrastinating on return phone calls

x this freakin' dog

  granola bars

x hgh

  nutritionist

  toughness/stupidity-hurting myself

  clearer abstinence?

  jealous of mom

  more productive schedule

  secrets/isolation from coworkers

  new job possibilities

x disability

  new home

  new transportation

  body image: delusion vs accepdance

  have i done permanant harm?  will i ever be the same?

I love my new sponsor.  She gives me lots of homework.  It's adding up fast.  She keeps giving me more and more, and i'm always on the verge of being overwhelmed.  But that's where I do my best work, and feel the best about myself.  I don't have time to write tonight, but i'm doing it.  i don't have time to read for 10 minutes before bed, but I've been doing it for a week now.  I can't possibly write a list of all the activities I think i need to do, and prioratize them, but I did it, and I'm going to put them all on a color coded master schedule, and schedule my weeks in advance...to the best of my ability.  My 4th step is finally moving forward, and is almost done.  thank goodness.  I had a really hard day yesterday, but it passed, and only good things have come of it.  I had a really fun easy day today, and was really present, even though I had some really hard things going on.  So much is on my mind, and i'm not talking or writing enough to thoroughly process it, but I feel good about most of it.  I made a new friend today.  She does "guerilla planting?", and camping, and she's gonna come play on the rings with me.  I'm really excited, and I loved my meeting tonight.  The speaker talked about how putting her compulsive energy into her job for years made her really successful, and we have a similar vague abstinence, because we were both so obsessed with numbers, and black and white, and perfection in our diseases.  I ...crap...i related to practically everything she said, and I always forget what it was afterwards.  ugh.  oh-and now that i've been so buried in program, and having a tighter schedule, my obsession with food seems to be lifting again.  wasn't worried at all about it today, and yesterday was pretty nice too.  ok time to read.

my food has been feeling really compulsive for a while now, and I still haven't been writing.  I was feeling manic about getting home as fast as i could for my favorite sweet "dinner" of frozen fruit mixed with cottage cheese, vanilla protein powder, nuts, and stevia.  But now i'm home, and I still have 15 minutes before the earliest time i can eat according to my food plan.  that means i can't possibly be hungary, and the craving must be a result of something else.  I have definitely been having that disconnected feeling and discontent today.  I'm not sick anymore, and I'm judging myself again.  Last week, if I couldn't get stuff done, or needed to rest, I'd be like "it's ok.  i'm sick.  I must need the rest."  But now, I just think i'm being lazy.  It feels like if I just had the perfect activity available, I'd work out really hard, and get my energy and endorphines up, and feel really good.  Plus, I'd get my metabolism up, and burn some calories, and that would fix ALL of my problems, right?  lol.  it does feel that way.  And then I get the perfect activity, and it's a total disappointment, and i don't feel like doing it.  It's a huge let down, because it felt like this was going to fix everything, and NOTHING changes.  It's just like that illusion that you're going to find the answer to all your problems in the refrigerator.  The stuff you find in there can numb you out for a while, but as soon as you come back to reality, the problems are all still there.  I knew that would be the case when i went to work out today, but I never got warm enough to even get that temporary that I was seeking.  I was completely disinterested in the activity at hand, and just felt stuck in my head.  been watching a lot of movies too.  that's another way of numbing out for me.  but enough about numbing out.  we know i do that.  I'm a compulsive overeater, and obsessing about the symptoms is just another way of distracting from the real issue.

....so what is the real issue?

Well...I feel alone most of the time...like I don't have friends.  I don't think that's true, but I really don't have people in my life that I relate to AND see frequently or hang out with.  My program friends are great, but they're kinda far away, and our schedules never seem to allow us to hang out...at all.  It makes it easy for me to believe that they don't consider me a real friend.  Of course they'll talk and listen if I call them, but do they really want to talk to me?  I don't know for sure.  If they did, why do I still never every hang out with any of them?  Am I not trying hard enough?  Maybe I do give up too easily.  Maybe I'm putting effort into the wrong things.  

OK.  Here's something i'm really upset about.  One of the first people I really connected with in program-an inspiration to me, and someone I've always loved talking to-a long time ago, she said she really liked talking to me, and felt like we had a lot in common.  I used to call her a lot, and we had good conversations.  Over time, our conversations got shorter, and she called me back less frequently.  I feel like she's trying to phase me out.  Like she doesn't like me anymore.  Maybe I'm imagining things.  Maybe she's just really busy.  But I don't know how to approach this.  If I ask her about it, and it's true, she's probably going to feel bad, and obligated to talk to me more, but get resentful at me for it...I guess that's none of my business.  I guess it's up to her to take care of herself, and it's up to me to stand up for myself and tell my truth.  It's hard.  I don't want to.  I guess i should call one of  my sponsors, and ask her how to approach this.

i don't really feel like writing, but it's on my checklist, and I've ignored it 2 days in a row.  I can't in good conscience neglect it again today.  That's part of what i'm working on now.  Being aware enough of the circumstances, my options, and the consequences of my action or inaction to take responsibility, and not get blind sided.  I guess what i want to do is not pay attention to how long i've been going without writing, so that I don't have to feel bad for not doing something i know i'm supposed to do.  its like i think that if i don't know i'm doing something wrong, I won't have to deal with any consequences.  but the consequences come either way.  I'm trying to acknowledge that before I make a choice, and really evaluate whether it's worth it or not.  In this case, are the extra few minutes of sleep i would get if I went to bed now, worth my feelings getting bottled up, my recovery getting stagnant, my program getting weak and careless, and potentially relapseing?  Wow.  not at all.  but I've been skipping writing all of the time, because I simply chose to be negligent.  That's such a pattern for me. I had no idea that's what i was going to write about tonight.  I'm always amazed by what comes out of me when i journal.  I feel so much more self aware when i do this.  No wonder i was feeling icky and slow...even regressive.  I'm really glad i took the extra few minutes to write.  

I  feel a lot better today than i have been for a while.  My inventory checklist is helping me stay on track.  i tried 2 new meetings this week, and i've been making and receiving more phone calls.  it's nice.  i feel loved.  I'm reading "the way of the peaceful warrior", and of course it's wonderful.  I just started doing cardio before breakfast, and that's been feeling good.  it was just a really full productive day, and since I felt so good about myself, I was delighted to find the body obsession dramatically lifted...and the food too.  I've been making much better choices today.  And I actually feel pretty good about my body.  There's such a visual difference from just yesterday (in my eyes).

the best thing i can pray for:

God-help me to trust that you have a plan for me, and that's i'm going to love it.  Help me to know instinctively what actions you would have me take, and grant me the desire to take those actions no matter how hard or impossible they may appear.  Help me to accept and enjoy everything for what it is, exactly how it is...I'm getting wordy.  basically: awareness and willingness.  When i'm most connected, All I really want is to know my higher power's will, and to have the willingness to follow it.  and i feel it now.  it feels good.

disconnected from consequneces

sigh.  the good news is, I could go eat dinner right now, but I know I'm feeling something, and even though I feel like I've processed it in my head, my dinner will be saner if I write about it first.  I have this reaction whenever my roommate calls me out on something.  If I forget to wash a dish or turn off the oven or lock myself out of the apt, he says something about it, and I feel sooooo inferior.  I don't know if it's the way he says it, but it always gets me.  No matter how the rest of the day went, it just breaks me down every time without fail.  Today, I think i understand why.  I think I wrote before about how sensitive I am to "getting in trouble".  When I do something wrong or irresponsible, I justify it to myself.  I couldn't live with myself if I did something wrong out of spite, anger, or inconsiderateness, but if I simply have no other choice, am forced into a corner, and am taking the only possible action with good intentions, then I can accept myself as a good person.  I know it's inconsiderate to leave dirty dishes in the sink, but I'm running so late, and it will have a devastating effect on many other people if I'm late, so I have to leave the dish in the sink.  I will clean it up later.  And besides, my roommate does it sometimes too, so he can't say anything about it.  Through this justification, I have disconnected from the concept that I'm doing anything wrong.  Now if I forget about that dish for a few days and my roommate calls me out on it, I realize that I have done something rude and inconsiderate, that I've inconvenienced someone else, and that they probably think badly of me.

He has this big bin of protein powder.  over christmas, I tried a scoop.  I didn't think he'd notice one missing scoop, but I  got addicted.  I kept taking scoops until I knew I'd have to replace it.  I guess I thought that if I took a small enough amount that he didn't notice, I wasn't wrong for taking it.  And if I replaced exactly what I took, I wasn't doing anything wrong.  The new package didn't come quickly enough to hide it from him, so I came clean, and told him that the new bin was in the mail.  When it arrived, it replaced way more than I had eaten, so I continued to help myself to what was there.  After all, at least half of the new stuff was rightfully mine anyway.  I'm not sure when I surpassed my half of the new protein, but he must keep better tabs on it than I do.  He left a note on my door saying he was charging me for it since I was eating more than my share "and I never asked for permission anyway".  I was soooo hurt by that note!  why?  I realized that I'd felt a little pang of guilt every time I scooped out of that container.  I tried to wait until he wasn't watching.  I was sneaking it, because I wanted more than my fair share.  I had disconnected from the reality that I was stealing his protein powder, but he threw it right out in the open, and I felt naked and hated.  I felt like I was a bad person, and everyone knew it.  I feel like a mooch who takes advantage of everybody, and give out very little in return.  I feel like I do just barely enough for other people to almost believe that I'm not a selfish brat, but not quite enough, and it's heart wrenching when I feel like other people can see me for what I really am.  This is one of the defects I'm writing about in my 4th step.  I don't want to be that person

ohhhh-I get it

Last night someone in program told me that I can't do the things I used to do before program (in reference to training at the level I used to).  I was not in a good state of mind, and interpreted this to the extreme.  I believe that in recovery, I will be able to train at an even higher level once I am able to keep my brain turned on and go full force right up to the line of "too much", but stop before I get there; rest in a productive healthy way, while studying other parts or things, and go hard again as soon as I'm ready.  I think that's part of God's plan for me, and having access to what i need to do to stay in line with that will make me more effective at everything.  i'm just not there yet.  i'm still in the awkward phase, and last night when she made that statement, my plan for my future was challenged.  "you can't have that stuff in recovery.  Would you rather have that stuff or recovery?"  and in that moment, without hesitation, my answer was "that stuff".  I wanted recovery because i had lost it in my eating disorder, and getting it back was my whole meaning and purpose in life, my reason for seeking out recovery.  the thing is, I may or may not have that stuff in recovery, but without recovery I have nothing.  and this day was about reminding me of that fact.  Last night, I unintentionally made the decision to seek out success in my plan- my will.  I stuck to my recovery routine as much as I could, but prioritized my training above it.  within an hour of waking up, everything began slipping through my fingers today.  It's amazing how fast it felt like I was losing everything.  Today was a perfect reminder of why recovery comes first.  first and always.  because if I don't make time for recovery, I have nothing.  I lost the initiative to take action in anything.  I wanted to do everything, but couldn't make myself do anything except seek out food, and I went just beyond the edges of my food plan in every way I could .  Exertion of my crazy self will tore me down today.  I'm really grateful that I was receptive and insightful enough to learn from it.  Tonight my prayer is to let go of all of that self will, and wake up with the willingness to put all the energy and motivation I was inspired with yesterday into taking the hard contrary actions which will align me with my higher power.  the willingness to truly explore the things that i'm scared of, and to push myself to the absolute extent of my ability in the ways that are healthy.  i think I do get it.