Get a Life

What does it mean to have a life?  I'm still not really sure, but as I get little glimpses of it, I will try to add to the list.  These are the examples that I've taken note of recently.

-getting together at a coffee shop to spend time catching up with a friend rather than to have coffee with milk and sweetner

-resting on a mountain top with a beautiful, and taking time to be with myself and nature.  feeling the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair.  Just being, and not worrying about how many things I have to do, or what I could be accomplishing if I didn't "have to wait here".

-dancing and acting crazy, and not worrying what other people think of you

-laughing at a joke, even if you don't know what others will think of you for laughing at it (this allowed me to connect with the person who made the joke)

-joking on friendly terms with the guy who was irritated with me for laughing at it.  (normally, I would have been afraid this would make him even madder, and I would have apologized, and slunk away.  My new, less inhibited reaction allowed me to connect with him as well, giving me 2 new friends and freedom from inhibitions)  

Telling my truth sends out an energy that attracts people who like me (or will once they get to know me).  It also repels those who wouldn't like me anyway.  Keeping things bottled up prevents me from offending anyone, but also from letting anyone get close to me.  It may not lose friends, but it never attracts them to me to begin with.  I wound up being neutral aquaintences with everyone, but being truly connected to No One.  No wonder I always felt like an outsider.

-being able to contact a friend I used to date, and not worry about what he will think this means.  I can trust that I will be true to myself, express my intentions clearly, and not allow myself to be compromised by anyone else.

-Being able to connect on some level with anyone I meet, and accept them for exactly who and what they are.  To enjoy whatever company I am in.

-To choose the friends that I most enjoy being with, and make an actual effort to spend time with them.  I don't have to worry that other people (who I don't like as much) will think I'm showing favoritism.  And I don't have to isolate from my friends in order to always do what I want to do.  

-to hang out with a guy or go on a first date without stressing about "what if he likes me more than I do, and I just want to be friends, and then I have to say something, and it gets awkward, and we can't even be friends anymore?"

What Elements are You?

Your Element Is Earth

You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step.

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present. For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt. You attract others with your joy and passion. Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate. Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life. And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal. You connect best with: Wood Avoid: Water You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly

I feel like such a nerd when I do these silly online quizzes, but I think they're a fun way to start asking questions and learning about myself and who I am.  It helps me think outside the box in considering my approach to life.  Also, a month or 2 ago, I was talking to the guy I was seeing about how people can usually be defined by 2 elements.  One is primary, and the other secondary.  We may have traces of a third, but the others will make little sense to us.  I asked him to tell me what I was, but he made me walk through the meanings and find out for myself.  

Ka

Fire is passion.  intensity.  ambition.  It latches onto something, and consumes it to its end, driving towards the finish.  So long as it has fuel, or something to strive for, it will grow stronger and stronger, but if those resources are exhausted, it dies out.  With nothing to conquer, fire cannot exist.  火 Ka or hi, meaning "Fire", represents the energetic, forceful, moving things in the world. Animals, particularly predators, capable of movement and full of forceful energy, are primary examples of kaobjects. Bodily, ka represents our metabolism and body heat, and in the mental and emotional realms, it represents drive and passion. ka can be associated with motivation, desire, intention, and an outgoing spirit. Besides the obvious examples of heat and flame, lightning can also be thought of as an extension of Ka.

Before I had identified what elements I thought I was, our dinner was served, and I realized I didn't feel like eating.  I explained how I feel like I have reverse homeostasis.  So long as I stay right in the middle, I am uninspired, disinterested, and completely willing to follow whatever foodplan is suggested.  Once I step outside towards either extreme (hunger or fullness), I am suddenly compelled to barrel forwards full throttle.  The fuller I get, the more I want to eat, and the longer I go without eating, the more enthusiasticly I resist food.  Burning uncontrollably until all resources have been extinguished.  I certainly identify with fire, probably more than any other element.  Once I get my sights set on a goal, I am driven to do nothing but that.  Stagnance is death.  I am energetic, passionate, and forceful with everything I do.

Chi

地 Chi (sometimes ji) or tsuchi, meaning "Earth", represents the hard, solid objects of the world. The most basic example of chi is in a stone. Stones are highly resistant to movement or change, as is anything heavily influenced by chi. In people, the bones, muscles and tissues are represented by chi. Emotionally, chi is predominantly associated with stubbornness, stability, physicality, and gravity. In the mind, it is confidence; and emotionally it is a desire to have things remain as they are; a resistance to change. When under the influence of this chi mode or "mood", we are aware of our own physicality and sureness of action.

Earth was described to me as structure and rigidity.  You can rely on earth to be on time, every time without fail.  Schedule, routine, organization.  Earth people tend to be very efficient, because they have found a pattern that works, practiced it, adjusted it to fit themselves, and settled into it.  They stick to it because it works for them.  There is strength in such a practiced, perfected technique, but it's very predictable to enemies, and crumbles when outside circumstances change, and earth cannot or will not adapt.

This was the first definition I identified as me when I heard what they meant.  I have come to believe that I am by nature, fire, but have felt the disastrous effects of living soley on unbridled passion.  My fits and childish moodswings were unbearable for me and those around me.  I gradually learned to compensate for my wild passionate nature by enforcing extreme structure.  Petrified of losing control, i implemented constant activities, deadlines, rules, bedtimes, and jam-packed schedules to keep me in line.  I became dependent on my structure, and defined myself by it.  Fearing the fire, I bottled it all up, until it exploded, making me fear it more, and enforce even stricter adherence to rigid structure.

Sui

水 Sui or mizu, meaning "Water", represents the fluid, flowing, formless things in the world. Outside of the obvious example of rivers and the like, plants are also categorized under sui, as they adapt to their environment, growing and changing according to the direction of the sun and the changing seasons. Blood and other bodily fluids are represented by sui, as are mental or emotional tendencies towards adaptation and change. sui can be associated with emotion, defensiveness, adaptability, flexibility, suppleness, and magnetism.

This type of person goes with the flow.  It is consistent in its own way.  It may not come on time, or when you expect it, but it will always get there.  It has no shape of its own, but can adapt to fill any container.  Water is creative.  People can take something that already exists, and add a new twist to make something beautiful or amazing like nothing we've ever seen.

Water sounds really cool to me - like the way to be.  I like to think that I'm easy going, but that tends to be true only when I set aside time in my schedule to be exceptionally spontaneous, and if someone else's suggestion doesn't appeal to me, I'll figure out what I really wanted them to suggest, and probably go do it by myself.  I'm really good at going with the flow when the flow happens to go exactly where I want it to ,which means...I don't go with the flow.  lol.  I'm practicing, and seem to be getting a lot better at it.  I really admire people who can see changing circumstances and adapt quickly.  I don't seem to improvise well, unless I've practiced each of the individual parts in som many infinite combinations that I've already done every possibility. well that's not entirely true.  In choreography and performance it tends to be true, but in building, engineering, cooking, and making due with what's available, and directions, and adventures, I actually improvise very well! And I like creating/tweaking things to suit my needs.  I often alter my clothes to suit me, and adapt the words of songs to fit my life.

Fū

風 Fū or kaze, meaning "Wind", represents things that grow, expand, and enjoy freedom of movement. Aside from air, smoke, and the like, fū can in some ways be best represented by the human mind. As we grow physically, we learn and expand mentally as well, in terms of our knowledge, our experiences, and our personalities. Fū represents breathing, and the internal processes associated with respiration. Mentally and emotionally, it represents an "open-minded" attitude and carefree feeling. It can be associated with will, elusiveness, evasiveness, benevolence, compassion, and wisdom.  Air tends to be creative genious - the kind who can create something completely new out of absolutely nothing.

This is the one I have the most trouble understanding.  It comes and goes on its own time.  It's here one instant, and gone the next.  Extremely powerful, or nothing at all.  The best example that was given to me is a guy who is fast and explosive, extremely light on his feet, and full of aerial tricks.  I have a hard time remembering any real conversations with him, simply because all of his statements are isolated thoughts with no apparent structure.  They appear, and then they're gone.  He has a huge house, with wide open space, sparse furnishings, and few decorations.  I don't quite get it, but I love the concept.

Dream Analysis Frog-Squirrell

I was just reading "eating in the light of the moon" again - the chapter about dreams, and their metaphoric language.  I'll write about the most recent one I can remember.

  My roommates are in the market to buy a house, and have offered to let me rent a bedroom when they find one.  In the dream, they found a 2 bedroom house that had a garage sort of addition on the first floor, which they kinda wanted to use for an office or gym, but were going to let me use it for a bedroom.  I like it though.  It had slanted lofty ceilings, and old wooden walls painted light green.  it had an old country feel to it.  It was long and narrow, and had a wide opening to the living room, with no doors.  I think the living room had a fire place, and...there were 2 living rooms.  Everything else was upstairs - the other 2 bedrooms and the laundry rooms.  I don't remember there being any other rooms.  Maybe there were.  I just can't picture any of them.  There was a nice front step, side walk, and a big tree in the small front yard.

So, I do feel a little left out that they're buying together, and i'm not in on the decision.  I mean, it's fitting since they're brother and sister, but I am still odd man out, only loosely included in the extra tack on room.  Still it's nice that they want me there, and in the dream, I was really excited to be included.  It seems almost too literal to be symbolic!  but i have to think outside the box.  The location reminded me of a lot of places: my grandparents house, my old wooden garage, a ramshackle club house, Camber's house, and a typical apartment.  A house represents home - home base - comfort, safety, foundation, somewhere to keep your stuff, come back to, have friends and family visit...I haven't had a real home for a long time.  I've been wanting to buy a house for a while.  I think this dream brings to light the desire for a home that I've been feeling for quite some time.  In the dream, I was on the verge of getting it, and it was a combination of many past definitions of my home, but it wasn't really mine.  I think that's maybe the way I'm feeling about program?  Home is where your friends are.  I have finally collected a group of people with whom I share a strong common bond "like survivors of a shipwreck", and can talk to.  It feels a lot like home sometimes.  But sometimes it feels like it's not really mine.  Like...We don't really live and do things together.  We meet once or twice a week, and pay to be there, and we talk on the phone, and everyone else hangs out together between meetings, but I'm too far away, and don't get to be a part of it in real life.  They invite me in on rent, but I don't get to be an owner.  And I'm grateful for the time there, but there's still an emptiness where I don't feel really like a part.

We were going to sleep over to try out the house to make sure we liked it.  I was in the living room watching a small gray shadow creature scampering on the walls by the ceiling and fireplace chimney.  It was some kind of frog-squirrel, shape shifting constantly.  It was fascinating.  It came closer, and closer, and it was making me nervous.  I kinda swatted it away, and it bit me.  I swung harder at it, and it became more vicious, biting and scratching, until I killed it.  It wasn't messy, but it wasn't really dead.  It was only pissed.  I realized that there were several of them running around the house, I didn't know how to kill them, and they were all mad.  I ran outside to tell my roomies, but I couldn't seem to express it.  We couldn't stay over night, because they were probably going to tear us to shreds.  We probably couldn't even buy the house, but I couldn't seem to tell them.  I was really scared, and wished I hadn't pissed the creatures off, but I didn't know what to do.

What could the creature represent?  Eating disorder?  Self Doubt?  Isolation?  Animalistic nature?  hmmm maybe the desire for a consistent home - the committment to stay in one place.  I've been moving around so much, hardly keeping the same address for even 6 months for the past 7 years!  I want a home so badly, but I'm scared to comit to a location.  what if it is inconvenient?  what if I get a job or gym else where, and have a long commute?  what if things change, and I want to live somewhere else?  If I lock myself into a home and commit to stay there, I'll be trapped and plagued by my hasty decision...although we weren't making a hasty decision.  I wasn't making the decision at all.  I was (oh-oh- this could be it) i was stuck with the choice: do I sacrifice control of where we live, in what vacinity, who gets what room, bills, payments, and all housing matters in order to continue living with my friends?  This is also a bigger theme that I'm struggling with right now.  I've controlled my time and schedule so meticulously for so long, only doing that which is productive.  Sacrificing no time for friends.  Lately, I've been learning to let go of some of that, but how far do I let that go?  If I ignore my own voice and ambition which tells me exactly where I need to live or be, I get to be with my friends, but I get torn to shreds by a frog-squirrell.  And I think that just means that my ambition and drive to succeed on my own dies.  I have this irrational fear that if I do normal things like have friends and hang out, settle down, and have a home, my ambition to excell will fizzle out.  The other option is to leave my friends and be alone, but to continue to pursue what I want, but in the dream that wasn't an option, because I didn't know what I wanted yet.  In real life, I feel like I know exactly what I want, but do we ever really know what will make us happiest?  I know that having friends and pursuing  goals are not mutually exclusive, but they certainly don't always complement each other.  My sub-conscious mind is struggling to sort that out.  I'm gonna leave it at that for now.  there was a second, mostly unrelated part to that dream, that I will try to write about later.  Goodnight!

I'm working today, and there's been a lot of down time.  It's been a little hard, with the snack table right in front of me and nothing to do.  Plus, the food is so unbalanced.  it's all carbs and fatty snack food.  Normally, I don't eat breakfast when I'm working, because they have catering trucks with amazing buffets.  this one isn't as big, so I was thinking there would be less options.  maybe eggs.  but all they had was muffins and bagels.  the ONLY protein was cream cheese.  some choice!  and then most of my snacks throughout the day usually are little salads or wraps with chicken or turkey or something.  today it was cheese-its.  I don't feel good about it.  it's ok though.  and instead of hiding in my book, i've been hanging out in the middle of things, trying to stay present and connect with my boss and other workers.  it's been ok.  i've had some good chats, and learned some new things.  after lunch (finally, a good meal), I took a nap.  i wasn't needed.  i woke up to my phone ringing, and it was my boss from another job.  the only "steady" one I've had ...ever.  I've worked there for almost 2 years!  well, not consistently.  I'm hardly ever available to work there, so I'm there less than a month these days.  anyway, due to the economy, he has to drop some people off the roster, and I'm one of them.  I hardly considered it a job.  I'm not going to be financially hurt by it.  And on the phone, I did a good job of convincing him and myself that I wasn't at all bothered by it.  But (actually, I'm impressed with how quickly I came to acknowledge this)  I'm really sad to be leaving.  When I was first hired, I didn't take it seriously, but he told my group that this place was a family.  I actually scoffed at the idea, but for the past year and a half, that place has been home.  One of the safest, most loving places I've known.  One of my closest circles of friends is there...the only real group of friends I had before program.  And some of my very very best friends...I met them and got to know them there.  I trained and learned new skills there.  I never had a binge there.  They provided many many meals.  I slept there, and I still go back to visit almost weekly.  The attention and validation I got when I did my job were fantastic, and The hugs and greetings I get every time I walk in that door are so loving...I'm really really going to miss it.  I already do.  I had wanted to hold onto it, but I guess it's time to let go.  

Service with a Smile

Today, I saw my new friend engaging in the earliest behaviors of an eating disorder.  Nothing too serious right now...just hard core dieting and over exercising.  She's in the honeymoon phase where it all seems like a great idea, cuz it's working.  I was so scared for her, I couldn't focus on anything else most of the evening.  When we finished class, I would have kinda liked to go home and cook dinner and read, but instead, I asked her to go out to dinner with me.  We talked a lot about moderation rather than extremes, and I told her what I wish someone would have told me at the beginning of my eating disorder- the one thing that could have stopped me.  I wouldn't have cared about the physical damage it does to your throat, stomach, organs, teeth, that it stops certain body processes, or even the craziness and mental anguish.  The one thing that would have changed my mind was that in the long run, it DOES NOT WORK.  The whole point is to lose weight, and my eating disorder caused me to gain weight.  She was really receptive to hearing it, and is still at a point where she may be able to be reasonable and rational.  I may be able to save her the trouble of getting farther into this.  What a wonderful thing to be able to do.  I was really excited about helping her.  I wasn't thinking about my own recovery, or service for the sake of service.  I really cared, and wanted to take time out of my schedule to reach out.

The fact that I was so into this-helping her if I can- makes me feel a lot better about myself as a person too.  Maybe I'm not quite as selfish as I thought...maybe.

Selfishness

I don't feel like I have anything to say, and I'd rather just read my novel.  It's getting really exciting.  But I'm committed to recovery, and I didn't write yesterday, so I'm sure there's something swirling uncomfortably in my head.  I'm feeling a little guilty about not doing anything meaningful.  My roommate suggested recently that I get a job...like a part time normal job to pay bills between real jobs.  I'd like to be a fire fighter.  I kinda feel like I still need the time to process and rest, but I'm also feeling a little selfish.  ok...really selfish.  and I feel full.  and I ate a protein bar!  Holy crap.  did you see that?  How interesting!  I touch on a very personal/hurtful topic (selfishness), and immediately distract myself by criticizing my food choices and fullness of my belly!  If that isn't a perfect example of how eating disorders prevent us from facing the real issues in our lives, tell me what is.  Ha ha.  Now that i've identified how uncomfortable I am with the topic of selfishness, I have to try to deal with it.  I don't want to.  I do feel selfish.  I have felt bad about it since the day my mom dropped me off at college.  I don't remember what I had done, but it was the last dinner we had together before she left, and she was crying.  I tried to comfort her, saying that I'd call, and I'd be back for the holidays, and then she said something that stuck with me.  She's one of the most thoughtful, generous, caring, people I know.  She NEVER says cruel words with intent to hurt.  Nor will she voice her own pain just to get it off her chest.  She'll suffer with it, unless it's something that you need to hear for your own good.  "I'm not crying because you're leaving.  I'm crying because I can't believe how selfish you are."

After that, i began to notice how selfish my behavior was, and made efforts to appear less selfish, but only so far as I could without interfering with what I wanted.  When I realized that I was basically not willing to change it, I accepted that I was innately selfish, and therefore a bad person, pretending to be good.  

I don't know if that's changed at all in recovery.  I definitely think of myself first, and do service because I'm aware that it somehow improves MY recovery.  I can't be healthy without reaching out and helping others, so I do...after I've taken care of myself.  And I know that's how it's supposed to work.  Fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.  You can't give away what you don't have.  but I still feel like a jerk.  I wish I could say I was taking care of myself first so that I could serve some higher purpose for others, but that's really not at the forefront of my mind.  I'm helping myself, because that's what I instinctively think about first.  Me.  me me me me me.  Oh wait, I'm having trouble taking care of me.  I better do something for others so that I can be healthy enough to get back to what's really important.  ME!  What a freakin' jerk!  and I know.  that's not a nice way to talk to myself.  it's not like I respond well to that anyway.

sigh.  I do have to remember not to get so caught up in the black and white thinking that I'm either good or bad.  I am selfish, but let's be fair.  I also feel really good when I can do something to help my friends.  In fact, it's only a very small percentage of the time that I help someone because I feel obligated.  Most of the time, I get really excited about being able to make a difference in someone else's life.  I would like to get a part time job where I could do more of that, but I'm not sure how.  I've always liked the idea of being a personal trainer, and that's something I'm already qualified for.  It's just that I have such a hard time taking the initiative to go looking for that sort of job when just that much effort in the direction of my career would probably book be a few jobs right off the bat.  Sometimes I feel like I use ED and recovery as an excuse to be lazy - to neglect my responsibilities.  

So what's the solution?

I guess....

I need to pray for the willingness to take initiative, the insight and awareness to see the way of my highest good, the responsibility to choose that path, whether I like it or not, and to be relieved of the bondage of self.  Going with the flow doesn't just mean sitting back and coasting aimlessly.  It means finding the rhythm of life and the universe.  It means letting go of control when things are progressing smoothly on their own.  It means accepting the things I can not change, but keeping my eyes open for new opportunities so that when they arise, I have the awareness and the courage to seize them.

Meaningful Life

I started grasping this concept of having a life this evening during my share.  It's something about connecting with people and being authentic and in the moment.  It was like sunday night when I had a few hours to kill and no where to be.  I had quantatative productive work that I could use to fill the time.  that's what I wanted to do, but a guy asked me to go have a beer with him.  I don't drink, but I took the opportunity to practice socializing.  He had a beer, and we hung out.  Normally that would sound like torture.  I still can't intellectually grasp how it enriches my life to spend time with people doing nothing productive, but it did.  we talked about a crazy vietnam war vet he used to have for a coach who's as psycho as mine.  He told me about downhill mountain racing, which apparently has the most devastating wipeouts EVER, and I explained adventure racing to him.  we decided to make a team, and hold auditions for our navigator.  We'll post an add on craigslist, and tape the audition which will probably have no applicants.  it was just silliness, and it was more memorable and fulfilling than doing the same training, studying, or paperwork that I always do to validate myself.  Other ways I've been connecting today:

-friendly debate about 12 step programs and higher powers

-singing lion king songs in car with Cri

-listening

-screaming in the driveway

-staring contest with Am

-singing I'm too Sexy with Cri

-opera singing

-gulping like frogs and practicing cockney accents with Jp

-Joking with pirates

So i think what's important about this is that all the past weeks of training - good and bad - they all run together.  No matter how much I accomplish, none of it fills the hole I'm trying to fill with exercise and food.  But this stuff does.  I need human connection, whether I understand why or not.