I'm working today, and there's been a lot of down time.  It's been a little hard, with the snack table right in front of me and nothing to do.  Plus, the food is so unbalanced.  it's all carbs and fatty snack food.  Normally, I don't eat breakfast when I'm working, because they have catering trucks with amazing buffets.  this one isn't as big, so I was thinking there would be less options.  maybe eggs.  but all they had was muffins and bagels.  the ONLY protein was cream cheese.  some choice!  and then most of my snacks throughout the day usually are little salads or wraps with chicken or turkey or something.  today it was cheese-its.  I don't feel good about it.  it's ok though.  and instead of hiding in my book, i've been hanging out in the middle of things, trying to stay present and connect with my boss and other workers.  it's been ok.  i've had some good chats, and learned some new things.  after lunch (finally, a good meal), I took a nap.  i wasn't needed.  i woke up to my phone ringing, and it was my boss from another job.  the only "steady" one I've had ...ever.  I've worked there for almost 2 years!  well, not consistently.  I'm hardly ever available to work there, so I'm there less than a month these days.  anyway, due to the economy, he has to drop some people off the roster, and I'm one of them.  I hardly considered it a job.  I'm not going to be financially hurt by it.  And on the phone, I did a good job of convincing him and myself that I wasn't at all bothered by it.  But (actually, I'm impressed with how quickly I came to acknowledge this)  I'm really sad to be leaving.  When I was first hired, I didn't take it seriously, but he told my group that this place was a family.  I actually scoffed at the idea, but for the past year and a half, that place has been home.  One of the safest, most loving places I've known.  One of my closest circles of friends is there...the only real group of friends I had before program.  And some of my very very best friends...I met them and got to know them there.  I trained and learned new skills there.  I never had a binge there.  They provided many many meals.  I slept there, and I still go back to visit almost weekly.  The attention and validation I got when I did my job were fantastic, and The hugs and greetings I get every time I walk in that door are so loving...I'm really really going to miss it.  I already do.  I had wanted to hold onto it, but I guess it's time to let go.  

Service with a Smile

Today, I saw my new friend engaging in the earliest behaviors of an eating disorder.  Nothing too serious right now...just hard core dieting and over exercising.  She's in the honeymoon phase where it all seems like a great idea, cuz it's working.  I was so scared for her, I couldn't focus on anything else most of the evening.  When we finished class, I would have kinda liked to go home and cook dinner and read, but instead, I asked her to go out to dinner with me.  We talked a lot about moderation rather than extremes, and I told her what I wish someone would have told me at the beginning of my eating disorder- the one thing that could have stopped me.  I wouldn't have cared about the physical damage it does to your throat, stomach, organs, teeth, that it stops certain body processes, or even the craziness and mental anguish.  The one thing that would have changed my mind was that in the long run, it DOES NOT WORK.  The whole point is to lose weight, and my eating disorder caused me to gain weight.  She was really receptive to hearing it, and is still at a point where she may be able to be reasonable and rational.  I may be able to save her the trouble of getting farther into this.  What a wonderful thing to be able to do.  I was really excited about helping her.  I wasn't thinking about my own recovery, or service for the sake of service.  I really cared, and wanted to take time out of my schedule to reach out.

The fact that I was so into this-helping her if I can- makes me feel a lot better about myself as a person too.  Maybe I'm not quite as selfish as I thought...maybe.

Selfishness

I don't feel like I have anything to say, and I'd rather just read my novel.  It's getting really exciting.  But I'm committed to recovery, and I didn't write yesterday, so I'm sure there's something swirling uncomfortably in my head.  I'm feeling a little guilty about not doing anything meaningful.  My roommate suggested recently that I get a job...like a part time normal job to pay bills between real jobs.  I'd like to be a fire fighter.  I kinda feel like I still need the time to process and rest, but I'm also feeling a little selfish.  ok...really selfish.  and I feel full.  and I ate a protein bar!  Holy crap.  did you see that?  How interesting!  I touch on a very personal/hurtful topic (selfishness), and immediately distract myself by criticizing my food choices and fullness of my belly!  If that isn't a perfect example of how eating disorders prevent us from facing the real issues in our lives, tell me what is.  Ha ha.  Now that i've identified how uncomfortable I am with the topic of selfishness, I have to try to deal with it.  I don't want to.  I do feel selfish.  I have felt bad about it since the day my mom dropped me off at college.  I don't remember what I had done, but it was the last dinner we had together before she left, and she was crying.  I tried to comfort her, saying that I'd call, and I'd be back for the holidays, and then she said something that stuck with me.  She's one of the most thoughtful, generous, caring, people I know.  She NEVER says cruel words with intent to hurt.  Nor will she voice her own pain just to get it off her chest.  She'll suffer with it, unless it's something that you need to hear for your own good.  "I'm not crying because you're leaving.  I'm crying because I can't believe how selfish you are."

After that, i began to notice how selfish my behavior was, and made efforts to appear less selfish, but only so far as I could without interfering with what I wanted.  When I realized that I was basically not willing to change it, I accepted that I was innately selfish, and therefore a bad person, pretending to be good.  

I don't know if that's changed at all in recovery.  I definitely think of myself first, and do service because I'm aware that it somehow improves MY recovery.  I can't be healthy without reaching out and helping others, so I do...after I've taken care of myself.  And I know that's how it's supposed to work.  Fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.  You can't give away what you don't have.  but I still feel like a jerk.  I wish I could say I was taking care of myself first so that I could serve some higher purpose for others, but that's really not at the forefront of my mind.  I'm helping myself, because that's what I instinctively think about first.  Me.  me me me me me.  Oh wait, I'm having trouble taking care of me.  I better do something for others so that I can be healthy enough to get back to what's really important.  ME!  What a freakin' jerk!  and I know.  that's not a nice way to talk to myself.  it's not like I respond well to that anyway.

sigh.  I do have to remember not to get so caught up in the black and white thinking that I'm either good or bad.  I am selfish, but let's be fair.  I also feel really good when I can do something to help my friends.  In fact, it's only a very small percentage of the time that I help someone because I feel obligated.  Most of the time, I get really excited about being able to make a difference in someone else's life.  I would like to get a part time job where I could do more of that, but I'm not sure how.  I've always liked the idea of being a personal trainer, and that's something I'm already qualified for.  It's just that I have such a hard time taking the initiative to go looking for that sort of job when just that much effort in the direction of my career would probably book be a few jobs right off the bat.  Sometimes I feel like I use ED and recovery as an excuse to be lazy - to neglect my responsibilities.  

So what's the solution?

I guess....

I need to pray for the willingness to take initiative, the insight and awareness to see the way of my highest good, the responsibility to choose that path, whether I like it or not, and to be relieved of the bondage of self.  Going with the flow doesn't just mean sitting back and coasting aimlessly.  It means finding the rhythm of life and the universe.  It means letting go of control when things are progressing smoothly on their own.  It means accepting the things I can not change, but keeping my eyes open for new opportunities so that when they arise, I have the awareness and the courage to seize them.

Meaningful Life

I started grasping this concept of having a life this evening during my share.  It's something about connecting with people and being authentic and in the moment.  It was like sunday night when I had a few hours to kill and no where to be.  I had quantatative productive work that I could use to fill the time.  that's what I wanted to do, but a guy asked me to go have a beer with him.  I don't drink, but I took the opportunity to practice socializing.  He had a beer, and we hung out.  Normally that would sound like torture.  I still can't intellectually grasp how it enriches my life to spend time with people doing nothing productive, but it did.  we talked about a crazy vietnam war vet he used to have for a coach who's as psycho as mine.  He told me about downhill mountain racing, which apparently has the most devastating wipeouts EVER, and I explained adventure racing to him.  we decided to make a team, and hold auditions for our navigator.  We'll post an add on craigslist, and tape the audition which will probably have no applicants.  it was just silliness, and it was more memorable and fulfilling than doing the same training, studying, or paperwork that I always do to validate myself.  Other ways I've been connecting today:

-friendly debate about 12 step programs and higher powers

-singing lion king songs in car with Cri

-listening

-screaming in the driveway

-staring contest with Am

-singing I'm too Sexy with Cri

-opera singing

-gulping like frogs and practicing cockney accents with Jp

-Joking with pirates

So i think what's important about this is that all the past weeks of training - good and bad - they all run together.  No matter how much I accomplish, none of it fills the hole I'm trying to fill with exercise and food.  But this stuff does.  I need human connection, whether I understand why or not.

Anonymous

I love when you guys post comments.  Seriously.  It means a lot to me.  But can you make sure that you NEVER mention my name?  On the off chance that someone from work came by it, I would hate for my name to pop up somewhere.  thanks!

Dreams

I've been dreaming a lot lately...and not just random dreams.  They're all incredibly relevant and intense.  The 2 worst have been about the same real life event.  I'm back in a place I used to call home, but i'm not welcome there anymore.  I wasn't careful enough.  I trusted too much, and fell into a trap.  No one meant for anyone to get hurt, but they did, and I feel responsible.  I know there's nothing I can do now, but I ... it still hurts.  In my dream, I'm back in that place, doing what I've always done there, and suddenly someone asks me why i've been gone so long.  I remember why, and realize I shouldn't be there.  No one present knows, but they start guessing and trying to explain why i've been gone so long.  I get nervous, and unpack my lunch: a sandwich and rice.  Interesting that even in my dream, I eat over feelings, and curious that I would have rice.  I never have just rice.  It was dry and plain, and I spilled it all over the floor.  I ran off to get a broom and dust pan, but I HAD TO eat my sandwich.  I stopped to eat my meal in peace in my room, and looked around at all of my old stuff.  Most of it hadn't been moved, but the sticker with my name had been torn and peeled off the door.  It really started to dawn on me how much trouble I would be in if the man in charge showed up.  I slowly crept back to the main room to clean up the rice and get out of there, but as I turned a corner, I saw his hair sticking up behind the back of his tall revolving office chair.  OMG.  I was in so much trouble.  I couldn't get out without him seeing me, and I CAN'T talk to him!  What will he think if he sees me here!?  and that i spilled rice!?  that's so typical of me.  using his stuff, giving nothing of value in return, making a total mess of things, and then having no ability to clean it up.  I tried to sneak past when he left the room, and his secretary caught me.  We had a chat while I did some inverted sit ups (yeah, weird, huh?  well, not for me.)  But the secretary started asking questions and guessing very accurately at why I was banned from this place.  I began to waver in my responses when the boss returned...but it wasn't him.  It was his friend who for some reason had his hair done exactly like the boss.  Anyway.  that was it.

In the next dream, I was back there again, and I saw the girl who hates me.  Well, she told me she doesn't, and I apologized profusely, but I still believe she hates me.  She must.  In the dream she did.  In reality, neither of us want anyone to know what happened, and in the dream, I was relying on that fact to save me from humiliation, but she didn't care.  The second she saw me, she couldn't control her emotions.  The started screaming and cursing at me, telling me off for everything I had done to ruin her life in front of everyone.  It was awful.

I don't know if anyone has any inkling of what happened, but there are many people back there who I would like to work with.  They were role models to me, but I always felt like a nuisance to them - like I was in the way.  And i'm not imagining it.  The boss told me that most of the guys felt that way - that he was wasting time and money allowing me to be there.  I don't know if he was exaggerating, but...

I had to send an e-mail to some of those guys today, applying for a job.  Like I said.  I look up to them so much.  There are few people I'd rather work for.  But writing to them...trying to say something as a friendly greeting, but having to somewhat address the fact that I dissappeared off the face of the earth for a while...not easy.  The moment I hit send, my friend came over, and commented that I looked sick.  I'm not.  I just don't think I breathed while I spent 20 minutes stressing over the e-mail.  Finally, I gave up trying to say "the right things", and just sent it, before I could change my mind.  I kinda regret it now.  It could have been better written, and I'm not so sure I should have sent anything anyway.  I feel like they're going to write back and be like "you think there's a chance we'd even consider hiring you when there are bums and bimbos on the streets with more talent than you?  Not now that the boss isn't taking care of you.  we're not required by anyone to be civil to you."  I already planned my response for when they send that e-mail.  I was in acceptance of that possibility, until I realized a more horrifying thought.  what if they decide to hire me?  What if they go against their better judgement, and trust that I've been training and improving since they saw me last?  What if they give me one last chance, and I show up, and suck.  I've had so much to deal with (as anyone who's had ED treatment can tell you).  I've been on hiatus.  I've done remarkably well maintaining skills and strength considering the mass injuries AND full time recovery from ED, but not enough.  They're harder to impress than me, and if I looked at my progress from the outside without knowing the extenuating circumstances (and they CAN'T know)...I'd be disgusted.  I can just see them threatening "we're giving you ONE last chance.  If you suck now, don't ever contact us again."

There were a lot of memorable moments tonight.  Really nice high points.  Lots of lulls in between, and lots of discomfort in social situations, but I feel like I got to really see God working in my life.  

My friend that was driving to an event missed the exit on the freeway, because we were having a conversation about Quads.  He needs to learn to ride them.  We had to turn around twice to find our exit, but in that process, we passed a truck towing 2 quads, and I rolled down the window to ask them (on the freeway, yelling at the top of my lungs and signing wildly) if they could teach us to ride.  "Now!?" they asked. "No!  Tomorrow!"  I said.  Then they gave me their phone number, and I called and left a message for them.  I don't know if we'll actually hear from them or ride, but it was crazy fun.  

Then I found out about this big hollywood party that i was supposed to go to for a job i worked on.  It could be a great networking opportunity, but I was afraid everyone would be wild and drunk, and I'd feel out of place, lonely, dejected, and not do a good job of networking anyway.  I just wanted to go home, read, and go to sleep.  But I went.  I got dressed up, and tried to gear up for the experience.  hardly anyone I knew was there, and I spent most of the time wandering around looking for people to talk to, but the first person I recognized (I admit, I don't remember his name) introduced me to his roommate, who ... you won't believe this.  He was a military guy.  He's pretty cute.  When he got out of the military, he realized that all of his training had caused him to be disconnected, and he took acting classes for personal growth.  Although he never intended to be an actor, he seems to be making a living at it, and is starring in a motorcycle movie, for which he will be training tomorrow.  Dirt bikes.  I told him how badly I'd been wanting to learn that stuff, and he invited me to come!  It's free.  Paid for by production, and they have all kinds of extra bikes around, and may need girls to ride too.  It was such a fortuitous meeting!  I was all fluttery and excited for the rest of the night.  I'm trying to analyze my feelings about it.  It's funny, because I think with most girls, the fluttery feeling would be because of the guy, and riding would be the bonus, but in all honesty, I think I'm the reverse.  I'm flattered and intrigued about the potential of getting to know a military guy who seems to have a lot in common with me, but the real excitement came from the chance to learn new skills.  Especially after my last post.  I've been feeling so worthless the past few days lying around doing nothing.  I wrote about how I define my self and my worth through physical activity, and have felt like a zombie without that in my life.  I had just resigned myself to a fate of nothingness until I could learn to recognize what else there is to live for.  I was expecting hard barren times.  Perhaps I shouldn't be riding yet...especially since that's what hurts me the most, but the sudden chance to learn something new and get that validation of doing something exceptional...it was like being alive again.  In the way that I've always known how.  As exciting as it is, I kinda feel like I committed to giving up my crutch and learning to stand on my own two feet, and immediately latched onto the same exact crutch when it was thrown my way.  I don't know.  Maybe the fires will prevent us from going tomorrow.  The roads are still closed now.  I guess I'll leave it up to God!