Gratitude

I just scrolled through my text messages on my phone, and saw sooo many loving messages from my friends, and they're all from the past 3 days!  I'm just really grateful to have so many real true friends who care about me, and to be able to recognize that and have real connections with them.  Today I did a lot of living, and spent a good portion of the time actually being present.  I had the daily reprieve, and felt kinda centered.  It's weird to have felt sooo awful for no particular reason monday night/tuesday morning, and even though nothing has changed since then, to be totally at peace and happy today (wednesday).  

Compulsive thoughts: The Red Herring

I didn't want to eat my 2nd meal today.  I knew I had to do it according to my food plan, and I didn't fight it, but I knew that one bite would be too much, and the whole fridge would never be enough.  I could just feel it.  I would have liked to just not eat to avoid the drama, but these are the situations we have food plans for.  When our heads are crazy, and we can't make that connection to our higher powers, we rely on the food plan to tell us what to do.  and it did.  I had my measured serving, and wanted more, but I stopped...cuz that's what the plan says to do.  I kinda wanted to purge.  Obviously not an option.  I could read an OA book on the treadmill...no.  I'm exhausted, and that sounds kinda compulsive.  Laxatives sounded really promising.  So did diet pills...but no...the cleansing herbal tea felt like it would be a really good solution.  Those all violate my abstinence though.  On my way to my computer, I kept catching glimpses of my reflection in the mirror.  I was intensely aware of rolls in my stomach, and was strongly compelled to look and see if they were there...to pick out all my good qualities, and weigh them against the bad.  See how I measured up.  What can be fixed.  It occurred to me that stepping on the scale would fix everything.  How silly!  It would be so easy to get caught up in all of this if I wasn't just reading about it last night and this morning.  About how the obsession with food and weight is just a smoke screen that we can latch onto to avoid facing the more difficult.  No matter how much it sucks to be preoccupied with weight, it always has a simple solution: lose weight.  The stuff I'm struggling with now...there's nothing to do about it.  I just have to accept it and how I feel about it.  There is no action to take, except maybe to write about it.  I'm gonna go do that with my sponsor.

Quick Confession

I took one fat burning supplement this morning.  It seemed like a really good rational idea, but even in the moment, I knew that I shouldn't, and that it was my disease telling me to do it.  I chose to do it anyway.  I wonder if maybe there should be something in my abstinence that addresses diet pills.  lol.  I don't want there to be...you know...just in case ; )  That's probably something that I really need to examine.  but there it is!  I'm being honest and accountable.  I took a diet pill today.

Communication in Relationships

There are so many things I'm not comfortable talking about for so many reasons.  I used to live in denial of their relevance or importance.  In my last post, I identified thoughts and feelings and how they were impacting my recovery when they were neglected.  Last night I took another step forward and attempted to express them.  I wanted to practice speaking from the heart in the moment, so I didn't use the letter I'd written.  Instead, I compressed it into about 3 shaky half coherent sentences, and then fumbled trying to explain.  It was kinda funny.  I was really scared!  I'm not sure why, since I recognized that there's no real pressure.  I know that I don't control the results.  All that really matters is that I tell my whole truth-what I want and need and what's making me nervous or uncomfortable.  I thought if I just put it out there, everything would fall into place.  He would say "oh---you want a real relationship where I know you and appreciate you for who you are..." and either 

a.) "that's awesome!  let's talk and get to know each other better."  

or 

b.) "I really don't care about any of that.  I just wanted you for your body."  in which case I'd be out, and not have to worry about it anymore.  Either way, I thought it would be done and settled...out of my hands.  The truth is, what I get is a lot of practice continuing to try to express myself.  I clumsily put it out there, and he nodded interestedly, but gave no input.  I hadn't realized that I wanted answers.  I had phrased the whole mess as an expression, but what I really wanted was to know how he felt about me-why he liked me.  It is after all what I'm trying to find within myself- who I am as a person.  That night we played games and did some creative thinking rather than checking out and watching movies, and later, we talked a little more.  In the past, I've been with people who volunteer tons of personal information, and drag the same out of me.  I always liked it because I was afraid to ask, and afraid to volunteer the info on my own.  It's so good for me to have to muddle through it right now.  This is exactly what I need to be learning to do, and even though he doesn't make it easy, is at lease receptive and cooperative.  So I tried again later, rephrasing what I had said, and asking for his thoughts.  He didn't know what to say, so I tried asking questions.  That's almost harder than just talking!  It reveals so much about my insecurities, desires, and vulnerabilities to ask how he feels about me.  I have to ask him to take a risk by searching for and revealing the answer, so I feel like I'm imposing and being needy.  And I have to be prepared to hear and internalize the answer!  Part of the reason I used to be so scared of that was because I felt responsible for their reaction.  If I asked him a question, and he answered, and I didn't like the answer, I had to make him think that I did like the answer so he didn't feel bad, but take care of myself at the same time.  Of course I was scared!  Once I accepted that my reaction is best left in its own natural form unaltered by my interpretation of what he wants it to be, I was more willing to be open and search for what I really wanted to know...OK...well, I am now ; )  It's going to be a really long process of learning how to do this, but it kinda feels like now is a good time to start practicing.  Right now, I'm so willing to push myself to take new emotional risks, open up, connect with people, and try new things.  It is really scary, and I like that.

Dating in Recovery

I've often heard that it's not a good idea to date early in recovery.  Most would advise against it at all in the first year, and I'm just short of 4 months.  This is such a confusing, turbulent time, that I would generally agree.  Dating right now would be pretty dangerous for me.  In my first month, my dearest core values were challenged and proven wrong by people who care about me.  My highest priorities were proven unimportant, my oldest routines and ideas were proven wrong and harmful...my most elementary and foundational beliefs and values were uprooted, leaving everything I know and believe up for debate.  I used to think I knew exactly where I stood on a lot of things, but having my "core, inalienable truths" invalidated puts everything on shaky ground.  I feel so impressionable-like I can't trust anything I know, and I just want to latch onto someone who can give me all of the answers...well not so much anymore, but sometimes.  And that's not a really good state of mind to be dating in.  you know?  Especially since the last pseudo relationship I was in involved a guy who liked to tell me who I was, what to do, and generally mold me to his satisfaction.  My only defense was absolute certainty of what I knew to be right and wrong.  But now I've learned that there are more important things than having the perfect body, or the best, hardest skills, or working the hardest at your job.  Things like a Higher Power, and real human connections blow that stuff away...at least I'm beginning to accept that.  But it's a hard transition to make such a radical change in my mind, and I was so sure that working the hardest was the most important thing.  Will I sacrifice dignity or morals?  Probably not, but I do feel a lot less sure of myself.  I guess I just realize how much work I have to do finding out who I am.  I need to make it my top priority to figure that out ...

That's exactly what I thought when he asked me out a month ago...only I accidentally said yes.  Weird, huh?  But saying yes was contrary action for me.  Like I said: I thought working hard and achieving tangible things were the most important things in the world.  I would spend 8 hours/day in the gym, and refuse to sacrifice a minute of training or sleep for social interaction of any kind.  For me, a big part of recovery is learning to connect with people and not isolate.  I figured we'd go on a casual date, and that would be it, but we had so much in common and connected on so many levels...it felt like forcing him away would have been very controlling and anti-recovery.  This was a good opportunity to practice connecting with someone I was really into...and don't I need practice!   It's been a really good experience in general so far.  I've gotten to be honest and open, and notice where I really need to stretch.  When something makes me upset or uncomfortable, I'm so afraid to express it.  I freeze or refuse to acknowledge that I'm upset.  I don't seem to be able to assert my needs because I can't figure out how to phrase them perfectly.  I'm so scared of saying something wrong or offensive-of my worries being misinterpreted or even worse- what if my thoughts and feelings actually ARE offensive, and they hurt someone!?  So things go unsaid...which is exactly what I'm supposed to be working on.  Sometimes it takes me a day or two to even comprehend my own needs and be able to articulate them coherently.  These concerns have come to a head recently, and I wrote down the general idea of what I need to say to him.

I have to be honest about something.  I'm flattered by all of the physical compliments.  I know they are said with the best intentions.  Sometimes they make me feel really good, but they also scare me.  It's really important for me to be learning NOT to validate myself based soley on physical appearance.  My self esteem must be based on WHO I am - not how I look or what I can do.  In my disorder, I was so far removed from mySELF- it was hidden and distorted by all the emphasis on everything physical.  I need to do some deep exploration to rediscover self, and remove the many layers of walls and defences that I spent years piling on to protect myself.  When we watch a movie, cuddle, and push my physical comfort zones without challenging the emotional barriers- without really talking and getting to know each other---I feel like we're slacking on the hard but worthwhile parts of having a relationship.  It's easy and stimulating, but I end up feeling confused, shallow, isolated, and almost like I'm betraying the part of me I'm trying so hard to find and nurture.  Why would I do that?  Why don't I say anything in the moment?  Because going in that direction validates the part of me that I'm used to relying on.  It's convenient.  And it seems to be what you want from me.  Whatever your true intentions are, the message I internalize is that you want me for my body and the rest of me is not worth getting to know- not worth searching for.  I am not good enough on my own.  The only way to get love and attention is to have a perfect body.  It becomes up to me to control that.  And there we have the very foundation of an eating disorder!

So what do I want from a relationship right now?  Honestly I don't think now is a good time to have one at all.  There's so much at risk of me allowing myself to be compromised, altered, hidden, or simply neglected.  I need to be learning to take care of myself-not necessarily others- and not relying on others to take care of me or validate me.  I need to build a strong support group with a wide foundation of friends.  When I spend so much time with one person, I am placing too much dependence on a single link in the chain before the safety net is rigged.  So there are many reasons NOT to have a relationship now...as there have always been...and as there always will be.  I have always put school and athletics before my friends and relationships.  Then is was weight management and career.  "If you interfere with my schedule, get out of my way" was the old attitude.  The idea of balancing my time- giving it to another person, opening up, sharing, being vulnerable, social, and actually having a life- that's very new for me.  That's contrary action.  It's hard.  If not now, when?  I will put it off forever.  It seems to me that I should not make a rule against it, but must remain VERY aware of my needs and intentions.  As long as it is aiding my recovery, great.  No need to rule it out.  But I must constantly reevaluate.  It is surely at a critical point now.  I need to express my concern and assert my needs.  That is recovery.  If this relationship continues exactly as it is now, it is taking time and energy from recovery without adding much to it.  It may need to be set aside or abandoned.  But perhaps expressing this to him will move me forward, and reveal that he wants the same thing.  Perhaps I need to be here now with a patient, self-assured, relatively uninhibited person who is willing to help me explore how I identify myself as an individual as well as in a relationship.  I have soooo much to learn.  I did so much to stifle my growth before.  it's a very important place for me to grow.  I have no idea where this is going to go, and the cool thing is that I don't have to.  It's not up to me to plan or control the outcome.  I just have to be honest, open, aware, and connected.  If I express myself accurately to him, I'm confident that it will work out for the best.  Now I just have to work on expressing it!  easier said than done.  Maybe I should commit to talking to him about it tonight.  I'm sure gonna try : )

How My Disease Works

Step 1: Wait for an Opening

This morning my instructor stayed late with me after class.  We spent an extra 45 min or so reviewing all of the techniques I have learned up to this point.  I did my usual weight routine, but feeling inspired by the confidence in my more solid skill set, I did slightly heavier weights.  I actually got some adrenaline pumping.  Normally I'm supposed to do such light weights that I never get my fix of that favorite drug, but this time, I got a taste of it.  But it was all upper body, so naturally, I assumed I should warm up my legs by doing an extra 20 min on the treadmill before I did the physical therapy exercises for my knee...which I was now inspired to do exceptionally well.  This took over an hour.  My light recovery morning (and yes...there is an evening one too) workout lasted almost 5 hours.  ED was ecstatic.  Congratulations!  Most people don't work out half that much when they're trying to be intense, and you're doing it by accident!  You are so tough!  What a great start to the day!  See?  You are strong, and soon you're going to be back to full workouts, and well on your way to being a super hero.  This is so great.  I'm so proud of you.  See how great you feel?  There's nothing wrong with working out for long periods of time.  That's how you get good.  That's the only way to really excel at what you want to do.  What else can you do to keep feeling good and productive?  I knew that I might have over done it a little.  Certainly no disaster.  I mean...it was all pretty low intensity, so it's not like I was damaging my body.  The main thing was that the opening was there.  And ED was waiting.  

Step 2: Refocus my Self Worth such that it is entirely invested in Productivity

I may have been able to shut him out if I had followed my usual routine of late, and done a good bit of writing as soon as I got home, but riding the momentum of the adrenaline or something, I was compelled to be as productive as possible.  I have a lot of business to get done.  Exercise and work are very closely intertwined for me, and once I feel like I'm doing well in something, I'm inspired to do even more to rise above the rest in that specific area.  I was good because I trained extra this morning.  I could be better if I did all of my paper work and mailings.  It took all of my afternoon free time, so I didn't get to do any writing.  That was OK though...I was productive, so I was good.  Now, this was a subtle little thing, but it shifted my self worth from recovery work to productivity, so when the choice of evening activities came up, it's not surprising what was most tempting.  Every Wednesday night, I go to one of my favorite meetings: Artists in Abstinence, and I probably don't go to quite enough meetings as it is, so this one is pretty important to my recovery.  When I started training with my coach, I made a commitment to myself that I wouldn't miss this meeting for training.  I wrote it down as a warning sign.  (funny how I forgot that when i was specifically asked if I was violating my exercise commitment).  Every Wednesday night, I feel a little upset about having to miss this one class at my gym.  I like the teacher, and the other 3 students are more advanced than me, so I get to learn the more advanced techniques and get ahead.  Perfect!  another way to get validation and feel superior!  So I hate missing this class, but I have been going to the meeting instead for weeks, because I know how important it is for my recovery.  So again I had the choice: Practice moderation and self care by going to the meeting, or Work out more than anyone else today, learn more advanced techniques, and solidify my skill set so that I can feel productive and superior.  I recognized that one represented recovery while the other gave the power back to my disease.  But I'm not really doing anything wrong!  and I did a little extra this morning, and look how good I feel!  This class makes you better!  I knew I was going to choose ED.  I still had 2 hours to decide.  I spent the first one reviewing notes on the techniques, and the 2nd hour getting a private lesson from one of the other instructors.  He did everything I needed to validate ED.  I learned everything I wanted to.  I was probably caught up to the 3 guys that were coming to the next class!  Haha!  now I was definitely going to stay.  If I'm caught up now, and I stay and learn with them, it'll all solidify, and then i'll be good, and they'll know I'm good.  ED had me.  He had my self esteem in the palm of his hand.  He pumped it up, so that I would choose to go with him.  How can I be so mistrusting of people when I so easily entrust ED with every part of me.  He always betrays me.

Step 3: Eliminate Productivity

Well class didn't go how I'd planned it.  The 3 advanced students didn't show up.  Only the brand new beginner was there, and the teacher taught to his level.  He didn't send me off on my own to review the new things that I wanted so desperately to practice.  He walked me step by step, painfully slowly how to do the most basic things that had taken me all of 20 seconds to learn on my first day.  My value as a person was based on the difficulty of the skills I was learning, and now the skills were subpar.  I went from super-human to sub-human.  

Step 4: Attack

With the slow pace of the class, I had lots of time to think.  I became intensely aware of my pudginess around the love handle area, and the fullness in my belly.  I would have liked to get an extra real workout in just to make sure that I balanced out how much I had eaten today (which by the way was exactly according to my food plan).  I probably would be better off if I didn't eat anything after class.  None of my workouts were that intense today anyway.  None of my workouts are intense anymore.  They're all so boring and pointless, I don't even know why I do them.  It's probably because I'm too lazy to think for myself.  I could have done one short intense workout, and it would have been more productive than the 7 hours I spent in the gym today, and then I wouldn't have been an ungrateful bum who sacrificed recovery for a stupid pointless class.  Obviously I don't care about myself if I could make a choice this stupid.  Didn't I know that skipping meetings for workout is self sabotauge?  obviously I don't care at all.  I pretty much blew it.  You know this is a relapse, right?  This is pretty much the same as if you ate out the grocery store, and puked it all up.  You're not just a bulimic and compulsive eater, you know.  You're an exercise addict, and a relapse in one thing is a relapse in everything.  Is there anything else you want to screw up now that you've signed your own death warrant?

It was weird being so aware of it the whole time...letting myself get invested in old methods of validation, and then seeing how quickly it turned on me.  Shut up!  This night was a miserable failure.  There is nothing to be learned here.  You've already given up.  You suck.  It's really scary how easily ED can turn the tables on me and beat me up once I've given him control, and it was amazing to observe how he tempts me, twists my thoughts, changes my actions, and then turns on me.  Maybe you would have been OK if you'd gone to the meeting, but you missed it!  Way to go.  the speaker probably told the most amazing story ever that would have changed your life and there was probably an important business contact that you were going to meet there, and you blew it, just because you stayed for this stupid class, where you learned NOTHING!  Really?  Oh my gosh I know!  It sucks!  But maybe it's good that I realize how much I would have liked to go to the meeting.  I mean...I did learn a lot about this process, and why it's so important that I don't succome to the temptation of ED.  Even if he's pushing me towards a really good activity, if any part of me is feeling rebellious and defiant, it's probably important...at least for now, to make the recovery choice.  Sometimes it's really hard, but if I give the power to ED, that's the one thing i can count on.  He will always let me down.  Shut up!  This was a lose-lose situation, and you lost.  There's no lesson.  You wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out even if there was.  You just suck, now shut up and be miserable.  Yeah-right- except that I actually did learn something, and I think it's going to be really valuable in the future.  I might even be able to share it with others who will find it useful.  I would have loved to be at the meeting, but the lesson I learned by missing it may wind up being even more valuable.  Ha ha.  I learned something.  ED sucks.  and he's not me.

Silly Control Methods...

Rahhhhh!  I am so extremely angry right now.  well, I've calmed down a little on the way home, but when I was standing on the mat listening to that man ramble on and on while I was supposed to be working out, I could feel my trachea closing up.  It got hard to breathe.  My eyes welled up with tears, and I caught myself clutching the collar of my uniform, and pulling it tightly around my neck.  I knew I was overreacting.  I knew I could accept the situation, and learn something from it.  I was there with this instructor for a reason, and if I would just calm down and open my mind, I could learn something.  but if I calmed down, he wouldn't understand that HE was messing up my workout.  He would think it was OK to give me one single technique to do: one move, let me do it ONCE, and then talk for freakin' 10 minutes about "what it is and why we're doing it, and where, and how, and back in 1541 when it was created for this purpose there was this guy, and it's functional!  It really works! and bla bla bla" and I don't freakin' care!  I don't!  I have a limited amount of time to work on this stuff.  I could get over 100 reps in the time that this guy is running his mouth, and most of it is stammering!  So, my head was a whirlwind.  What would be the best "recovery" solution?  Would it be expressing my needs as a form of self care?  I tried asking if I could do reps of the technique...OK...not true.  I asked if I should do extra reps.  He said that wasn't necessary, so I do wish I had expressed that better.  I kept trying to find a good opening to ask if I could just practice the techniques, and to tell him that I didn't need to hear the entire history of each one, but there were no openings.  As the tension and frustration built, I could feel it exploding out my ears and throat.  And there was a mirror in front of me...believe me...I was not being all that subtle.  My expression looked like I was being tortured or suffocated.  I was practically cowering.  It was really silly, but I was allowing my emotions to run away with me.  I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted, so I figured that if I could show him how much he was hurting me, he would at least ask what was wrong.  Then I could tell him that I was having trouble processing the valuable information he was giving me because I had a lot of pent up energy, and just really needed to do reps.  But he never asked!  He seemed completely oblivious the entire time.  Like talking to a brick wall.  If I had been a statue or 2 year old child running around screaming, I don't believe he would have said a single word differently.  Another reason I was uncomfortable interrupting him is the student/teacher protocol in this sort of program.  I'm pretty sure the student gets no say, and has to do whatever the instructor orders.  I generally like that kind of thing, because I love being pushed beyond my physical limits...but this was sooooo unphysical!!!  and the more frustrated I get, the more I want to resort to my favorite coping mechanism...Compulsive Exercise!  I was dying to move-to exert my body beyond human capabilities, but I had to stand there, and listen!!!! Ahhhhhhhh! ughhhhhhhhh!  it was too much.  And then the head instructor came past and said I was done.  And that was it.  there went my precious training time.  but at least I didn't have to listen to him anymore.

Now that I've had some more time to calm down, I guess that extra 40 min of training time wasn't that crucial.  My life isn't dramatically altered having lost it.  And I'm sure there was something to be gained from listening to his gobbly-gook.  Probably the most important thing I could have gained from this was practice letting go of my will-my plan for the workout.  He is the instructor, and what I learn is up to him...i guess.  It just seemed so wrong to waste all that training time...OK...that did sound really disordered, didn't it.  It's just that I swear he's giving me wrong information on half the stuff...true, he knows more than I do, but he's directly contradicting my other instructor, who is clearly better, more experienced, and more knowledgable. I'm not sure whether it would have been better to assert myself, and get my way, or to practice acceptance, and try to get something out of the absurd experience, but wallowing in the indecision was the worst option.  Since I'm supposed to try to be self-loving, I'm gonna congratulate myself on at least recognizing the 2 better options in the moment, and what I was doing.  I'm getting the awareness.  I just have to keep practicing.