Home is Serenity

It's hard to believe I haven't been to a meeting in a whole week.  It's weird, but I don't feel crazy either.  I'm coming home tomorrow, but in a lot of ways, here feels more like home.  I'm a visitor in someone else's home, but this apartment that i've spent probably a total of 10 days in feels more like any place I've lived in years.  Maybe that's why I don't feel crazy yet.  I guess my eating disorder didn't really manifest until I first moved away from home 6 years ago, and it really took over when I isolated myself from human connections.  This isn't even technically my family's home.  They don't even live in the state, but my mom's best friend lives here.  I grew up with her.  She has 2 daughters near my age, and her home has always been my home.  It's such a friendly, welcoming home.  The doors are unlocked.  The kitchen is open.  I can sleep in the spare bedroom, and borrow clothes from any closet.  When I was little, this family was the definition of cool.  I learned what to like based on them: their music, movies, tv shows, words, mannerisms, shampoo!  They always knew exactly what was "in"...but they loved me as if I was part of the family.  Even though I knew I wasn't cool or up-to-date like they never seemed to notice.  I was just me, and that's how they liked me.  It's always been that way, and this week, I came and moved right back in.  I was visiting, and so was my mom, and I got to see all of my best old friends from my childhood.  the very best best friends.  The ones you never lose touch with.  The ones who -no matter how long it's been since the last visit -it seems like you saw them yesterday.  I had no schedule, and practically NOTHING to do.  there was no pressure, but it didn't bother me here.  And I'm not sure why, but having that connection to home and roots is certainly related, and possibly the entire reason.  I think I've been neglecting the importance of having a nice place to live.  I always just choose whatever location is most convenient, and throw my stuff there.  Then it's not pleasant and homey, and that's starting to ware on me.  I guess being here relieved some of the stress of supporting myself as well.  I feel protected - under parental wings - safe, and taken care of.  When I go back to my crummy apartment, I'm on my own.  I guess that's why it's so important for me to build my support group where I live.  It's time to grow roots.

New York

Hey guys.  I just want to let you know that I'm in New York this week, and my phone isn't working properly, so if I'm not returning your calls, that's why.  Thanks for staying in touch, and I'll talk to you soon.  I am checking my e-mail though!

Dream Analysis: Sky Diving

I've been putting off this dream analysis for nearly a week now.  The memory of it was very clear, and the symbolism jumped out like crazy, but I just hadn't thought about it.  I kept meaning to.  Today, it just hit me in the face, and I knew.  Here's what I think my intuition was trying to tell me:

I was sky diving, and I'd already pulled my main chute.  It had just opened and filled, but I was falling too fast.  I was mere feet above the ground, about to crash.  It didn't feel scary.  I was simply aware, and evaluating how best to land, when R (my instructor who's been my biggest influence and advisor lately) suddenly tells me that I waited too late to pull my chute, and I'll have to go back up to a safe altitude and do it again.  So I kick my legs, and since I'm wearing flippers, I slow to a stop, and start going back up.  I keep kicking until I get to the ceiling of the warehouse (don't ask how I skydove from a plane and got through the ceiling.  it's a dream, remember?)  He's right up there with his scuba suit and flippers kicking with me, and says "there.  this is a safe altitude to pull from."  So I pull, and my chute comes out, but before it can even fill with air, I hit the ground and roll.  Apparently, that was NOT a safe altitude to pull from.

It may not fit all the details, but the main idea I get from this is that I have to trust my own instincts.  First of all, I have to stay aware, and pay attention, so that I don't wait too long to see danger and react.  I frequently get myself into trouble because life keeps moving, and I'm off in my own world.  I'm not aware of my surroundings, either because I'm obsessed with food and exercise, stuck in my head, or burried in some fantasy novel.  Either way, trouble (or the ground) begins to approach, I pass minimum safe altitude, and don't notice until I'm an impossibly short distance from disaster.  My instinct at this point is usually to blame myself, and shove the responsibility into the "able" hands of the nearest authority figure.  I seem to be surrounded by people who "know better" than I do.  And since I got myself into this mess, I lose faith in my ability to get myself out.  But I can't always rely on these outside sources.  I can listen and learn from them, but in an emergency, I've got to follow my instincts.  In the dream, I would not have had a good landing.  I pulled too late, and there was nothing I could do to change that fact.  You can't go back and change the past.  If you try to, you only lose sight of where you are right now.  If I had stayed in the moment, and focused on flaring my parachute at the right time, I would have had a hard landing, but it would have been a landing.  not a fall.  

this analysis fits better than I thought.  I like it.

Get a Life

What does it mean to have a life?  I'm still not really sure, but as I get little glimpses of it, I will try to add to the list.  These are the examples that I've taken note of recently.

-getting together at a coffee shop to spend time catching up with a friend rather than to have coffee with milk and sweetner

-resting on a mountain top with a beautiful, and taking time to be with myself and nature.  feeling the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair.  Just being, and not worrying about how many things I have to do, or what I could be accomplishing if I didn't "have to wait here".

-dancing and acting crazy, and not worrying what other people think of you

-laughing at a joke, even if you don't know what others will think of you for laughing at it (this allowed me to connect with the person who made the joke)

-joking on friendly terms with the guy who was irritated with me for laughing at it.  (normally, I would have been afraid this would make him even madder, and I would have apologized, and slunk away.  My new, less inhibited reaction allowed me to connect with him as well, giving me 2 new friends and freedom from inhibitions)  

Telling my truth sends out an energy that attracts people who like me (or will once they get to know me).  It also repels those who wouldn't like me anyway.  Keeping things bottled up prevents me from offending anyone, but also from letting anyone get close to me.  It may not lose friends, but it never attracts them to me to begin with.  I wound up being neutral aquaintences with everyone, but being truly connected to No One.  No wonder I always felt like an outsider.

-being able to contact a friend I used to date, and not worry about what he will think this means.  I can trust that I will be true to myself, express my intentions clearly, and not allow myself to be compromised by anyone else.

-Being able to connect on some level with anyone I meet, and accept them for exactly who and what they are.  To enjoy whatever company I am in.

-To choose the friends that I most enjoy being with, and make an actual effort to spend time with them.  I don't have to worry that other people (who I don't like as much) will think I'm showing favoritism.  And I don't have to isolate from my friends in order to always do what I want to do.  

-to hang out with a guy or go on a first date without stressing about "what if he likes me more than I do, and I just want to be friends, and then I have to say something, and it gets awkward, and we can't even be friends anymore?"

What Elements are You?

Your Element Is Earth

You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step.

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present. For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt. You attract others with your joy and passion. Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate. Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life. And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal. You connect best with: Wood Avoid: Water You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly

I feel like such a nerd when I do these silly online quizzes, but I think they're a fun way to start asking questions and learning about myself and who I am.  It helps me think outside the box in considering my approach to life.  Also, a month or 2 ago, I was talking to the guy I was seeing about how people can usually be defined by 2 elements.  One is primary, and the other secondary.  We may have traces of a third, but the others will make little sense to us.  I asked him to tell me what I was, but he made me walk through the meanings and find out for myself.  

Ka

Fire is passion.  intensity.  ambition.  It latches onto something, and consumes it to its end, driving towards the finish.  So long as it has fuel, or something to strive for, it will grow stronger and stronger, but if those resources are exhausted, it dies out.  With nothing to conquer, fire cannot exist.  火 Ka or hi, meaning "Fire", represents the energetic, forceful, moving things in the world. Animals, particularly predators, capable of movement and full of forceful energy, are primary examples of kaobjects. Bodily, ka represents our metabolism and body heat, and in the mental and emotional realms, it represents drive and passion. ka can be associated with motivation, desire, intention, and an outgoing spirit. Besides the obvious examples of heat and flame, lightning can also be thought of as an extension of Ka.

Before I had identified what elements I thought I was, our dinner was served, and I realized I didn't feel like eating.  I explained how I feel like I have reverse homeostasis.  So long as I stay right in the middle, I am uninspired, disinterested, and completely willing to follow whatever foodplan is suggested.  Once I step outside towards either extreme (hunger or fullness), I am suddenly compelled to barrel forwards full throttle.  The fuller I get, the more I want to eat, and the longer I go without eating, the more enthusiasticly I resist food.  Burning uncontrollably until all resources have been extinguished.  I certainly identify with fire, probably more than any other element.  Once I get my sights set on a goal, I am driven to do nothing but that.  Stagnance is death.  I am energetic, passionate, and forceful with everything I do.

Chi

地 Chi (sometimes ji) or tsuchi, meaning "Earth", represents the hard, solid objects of the world. The most basic example of chi is in a stone. Stones are highly resistant to movement or change, as is anything heavily influenced by chi. In people, the bones, muscles and tissues are represented by chi. Emotionally, chi is predominantly associated with stubbornness, stability, physicality, and gravity. In the mind, it is confidence; and emotionally it is a desire to have things remain as they are; a resistance to change. When under the influence of this chi mode or "mood", we are aware of our own physicality and sureness of action.

Earth was described to me as structure and rigidity.  You can rely on earth to be on time, every time without fail.  Schedule, routine, organization.  Earth people tend to be very efficient, because they have found a pattern that works, practiced it, adjusted it to fit themselves, and settled into it.  They stick to it because it works for them.  There is strength in such a practiced, perfected technique, but it's very predictable to enemies, and crumbles when outside circumstances change, and earth cannot or will not adapt.

This was the first definition I identified as me when I heard what they meant.  I have come to believe that I am by nature, fire, but have felt the disastrous effects of living soley on unbridled passion.  My fits and childish moodswings were unbearable for me and those around me.  I gradually learned to compensate for my wild passionate nature by enforcing extreme structure.  Petrified of losing control, i implemented constant activities, deadlines, rules, bedtimes, and jam-packed schedules to keep me in line.  I became dependent on my structure, and defined myself by it.  Fearing the fire, I bottled it all up, until it exploded, making me fear it more, and enforce even stricter adherence to rigid structure.

Sui

水 Sui or mizu, meaning "Water", represents the fluid, flowing, formless things in the world. Outside of the obvious example of rivers and the like, plants are also categorized under sui, as they adapt to their environment, growing and changing according to the direction of the sun and the changing seasons. Blood and other bodily fluids are represented by sui, as are mental or emotional tendencies towards adaptation and change. sui can be associated with emotion, defensiveness, adaptability, flexibility, suppleness, and magnetism.

This type of person goes with the flow.  It is consistent in its own way.  It may not come on time, or when you expect it, but it will always get there.  It has no shape of its own, but can adapt to fill any container.  Water is creative.  People can take something that already exists, and add a new twist to make something beautiful or amazing like nothing we've ever seen.

Water sounds really cool to me - like the way to be.  I like to think that I'm easy going, but that tends to be true only when I set aside time in my schedule to be exceptionally spontaneous, and if someone else's suggestion doesn't appeal to me, I'll figure out what I really wanted them to suggest, and probably go do it by myself.  I'm really good at going with the flow when the flow happens to go exactly where I want it to ,which means...I don't go with the flow.  lol.  I'm practicing, and seem to be getting a lot better at it.  I really admire people who can see changing circumstances and adapt quickly.  I don't seem to improvise well, unless I've practiced each of the individual parts in som many infinite combinations that I've already done every possibility. well that's not entirely true.  In choreography and performance it tends to be true, but in building, engineering, cooking, and making due with what's available, and directions, and adventures, I actually improvise very well! And I like creating/tweaking things to suit my needs.  I often alter my clothes to suit me, and adapt the words of songs to fit my life.

Fū

風 Fū or kaze, meaning "Wind", represents things that grow, expand, and enjoy freedom of movement. Aside from air, smoke, and the like, fū can in some ways be best represented by the human mind. As we grow physically, we learn and expand mentally as well, in terms of our knowledge, our experiences, and our personalities. Fū represents breathing, and the internal processes associated with respiration. Mentally and emotionally, it represents an "open-minded" attitude and carefree feeling. It can be associated with will, elusiveness, evasiveness, benevolence, compassion, and wisdom.  Air tends to be creative genious - the kind who can create something completely new out of absolutely nothing.

This is the one I have the most trouble understanding.  It comes and goes on its own time.  It's here one instant, and gone the next.  Extremely powerful, or nothing at all.  The best example that was given to me is a guy who is fast and explosive, extremely light on his feet, and full of aerial tricks.  I have a hard time remembering any real conversations with him, simply because all of his statements are isolated thoughts with no apparent structure.  They appear, and then they're gone.  He has a huge house, with wide open space, sparse furnishings, and few decorations.  I don't quite get it, but I love the concept.

Dream Analysis Frog-Squirrell

I was just reading "eating in the light of the moon" again - the chapter about dreams, and their metaphoric language.  I'll write about the most recent one I can remember.

  My roommates are in the market to buy a house, and have offered to let me rent a bedroom when they find one.  In the dream, they found a 2 bedroom house that had a garage sort of addition on the first floor, which they kinda wanted to use for an office or gym, but were going to let me use it for a bedroom.  I like it though.  It had slanted lofty ceilings, and old wooden walls painted light green.  it had an old country feel to it.  It was long and narrow, and had a wide opening to the living room, with no doors.  I think the living room had a fire place, and...there were 2 living rooms.  Everything else was upstairs - the other 2 bedrooms and the laundry rooms.  I don't remember there being any other rooms.  Maybe there were.  I just can't picture any of them.  There was a nice front step, side walk, and a big tree in the small front yard.

So, I do feel a little left out that they're buying together, and i'm not in on the decision.  I mean, it's fitting since they're brother and sister, but I am still odd man out, only loosely included in the extra tack on room.  Still it's nice that they want me there, and in the dream, I was really excited to be included.  It seems almost too literal to be symbolic!  but i have to think outside the box.  The location reminded me of a lot of places: my grandparents house, my old wooden garage, a ramshackle club house, Camber's house, and a typical apartment.  A house represents home - home base - comfort, safety, foundation, somewhere to keep your stuff, come back to, have friends and family visit...I haven't had a real home for a long time.  I've been wanting to buy a house for a while.  I think this dream brings to light the desire for a home that I've been feeling for quite some time.  In the dream, I was on the verge of getting it, and it was a combination of many past definitions of my home, but it wasn't really mine.  I think that's maybe the way I'm feeling about program?  Home is where your friends are.  I have finally collected a group of people with whom I share a strong common bond "like survivors of a shipwreck", and can talk to.  It feels a lot like home sometimes.  But sometimes it feels like it's not really mine.  Like...We don't really live and do things together.  We meet once or twice a week, and pay to be there, and we talk on the phone, and everyone else hangs out together between meetings, but I'm too far away, and don't get to be a part of it in real life.  They invite me in on rent, but I don't get to be an owner.  And I'm grateful for the time there, but there's still an emptiness where I don't feel really like a part.

We were going to sleep over to try out the house to make sure we liked it.  I was in the living room watching a small gray shadow creature scampering on the walls by the ceiling and fireplace chimney.  It was some kind of frog-squirrel, shape shifting constantly.  It was fascinating.  It came closer, and closer, and it was making me nervous.  I kinda swatted it away, and it bit me.  I swung harder at it, and it became more vicious, biting and scratching, until I killed it.  It wasn't messy, but it wasn't really dead.  It was only pissed.  I realized that there were several of them running around the house, I didn't know how to kill them, and they were all mad.  I ran outside to tell my roomies, but I couldn't seem to express it.  We couldn't stay over night, because they were probably going to tear us to shreds.  We probably couldn't even buy the house, but I couldn't seem to tell them.  I was really scared, and wished I hadn't pissed the creatures off, but I didn't know what to do.

What could the creature represent?  Eating disorder?  Self Doubt?  Isolation?  Animalistic nature?  hmmm maybe the desire for a consistent home - the committment to stay in one place.  I've been moving around so much, hardly keeping the same address for even 6 months for the past 7 years!  I want a home so badly, but I'm scared to comit to a location.  what if it is inconvenient?  what if I get a job or gym else where, and have a long commute?  what if things change, and I want to live somewhere else?  If I lock myself into a home and commit to stay there, I'll be trapped and plagued by my hasty decision...although we weren't making a hasty decision.  I wasn't making the decision at all.  I was (oh-oh- this could be it) i was stuck with the choice: do I sacrifice control of where we live, in what vacinity, who gets what room, bills, payments, and all housing matters in order to continue living with my friends?  This is also a bigger theme that I'm struggling with right now.  I've controlled my time and schedule so meticulously for so long, only doing that which is productive.  Sacrificing no time for friends.  Lately, I've been learning to let go of some of that, but how far do I let that go?  If I ignore my own voice and ambition which tells me exactly where I need to live or be, I get to be with my friends, but I get torn to shreds by a frog-squirrell.  And I think that just means that my ambition and drive to succeed on my own dies.  I have this irrational fear that if I do normal things like have friends and hang out, settle down, and have a home, my ambition to excell will fizzle out.  The other option is to leave my friends and be alone, but to continue to pursue what I want, but in the dream that wasn't an option, because I didn't know what I wanted yet.  In real life, I feel like I know exactly what I want, but do we ever really know what will make us happiest?  I know that having friends and pursuing  goals are not mutually exclusive, but they certainly don't always complement each other.  My sub-conscious mind is struggling to sort that out.  I'm gonna leave it at that for now.  there was a second, mostly unrelated part to that dream, that I will try to write about later.  Goodnight!

I'm working today, and there's been a lot of down time.  It's been a little hard, with the snack table right in front of me and nothing to do.  Plus, the food is so unbalanced.  it's all carbs and fatty snack food.  Normally, I don't eat breakfast when I'm working, because they have catering trucks with amazing buffets.  this one isn't as big, so I was thinking there would be less options.  maybe eggs.  but all they had was muffins and bagels.  the ONLY protein was cream cheese.  some choice!  and then most of my snacks throughout the day usually are little salads or wraps with chicken or turkey or something.  today it was cheese-its.  I don't feel good about it.  it's ok though.  and instead of hiding in my book, i've been hanging out in the middle of things, trying to stay present and connect with my boss and other workers.  it's been ok.  i've had some good chats, and learned some new things.  after lunch (finally, a good meal), I took a nap.  i wasn't needed.  i woke up to my phone ringing, and it was my boss from another job.  the only "steady" one I've had ...ever.  I've worked there for almost 2 years!  well, not consistently.  I'm hardly ever available to work there, so I'm there less than a month these days.  anyway, due to the economy, he has to drop some people off the roster, and I'm one of them.  I hardly considered it a job.  I'm not going to be financially hurt by it.  And on the phone, I did a good job of convincing him and myself that I wasn't at all bothered by it.  But (actually, I'm impressed with how quickly I came to acknowledge this)  I'm really sad to be leaving.  When I was first hired, I didn't take it seriously, but he told my group that this place was a family.  I actually scoffed at the idea, but for the past year and a half, that place has been home.  One of the safest, most loving places I've known.  One of my closest circles of friends is there...the only real group of friends I had before program.  And some of my very very best friends...I met them and got to know them there.  I trained and learned new skills there.  I never had a binge there.  They provided many many meals.  I slept there, and I still go back to visit almost weekly.  The attention and validation I got when I did my job were fantastic, and The hugs and greetings I get every time I walk in that door are so loving...I'm really really going to miss it.  I already do.  I had wanted to hold onto it, but I guess it's time to let go.