Step 2

So I was insane, and I had already tried every human power to control it, and was out of ideas.  But I always knew there was a way to get back to sanity.  I had to try everything in my own power first to understand that I couldn't do it by myself.  And no person could be relied upon to always be there to keep me inline.  It had to be a power greater than me.  I was so down and out that I was willing to accept any solution that would actually work, no matter how far fetched.  

I was already pretty open to the idea of a higher power.  I just had no idea how to define it or connect with it. I could definitely feel it in nature: swimming in the ocean or sitting on a rock while the waves crashed up around me; sitting in a treetop where I could look over an entire forrest of trees just like the one I was in; riding my motorcycle through the mountains and looking down at a sea of clouds...It's all so beautiful and amazing, it makes me proud to be a tiny part of it: one little piece of a giant puzzle.  When I think of the world in terms of people, I get competitive, and want to know that I'm better and I stand out.  People can seem so petty and materialistic, but when I am surrounded by nature, and animals who live with no inhibitions or self consciousness- completely in the moment always, it seems like a cool thing to be a part of, and I don't mind being one of many on an equal playing field.  

I started learning to keep my eyes and ears open, praying and looking for answers, and I began to see them.  I told myself to accept the idea that God would take care of my problems with food and body if I just let go...and I began to accept it.  I would do little tests, like going to bed without setting an alarm..."If I'm supposed to go to the 7:30 am OA meeting, then God will make sure it happens, right?"  I thought it was a sure-fire way to sleep in and prove that God didn't care if I went to meetings, but somehow, I'd wake up after 4 hrs of sleep, and be unable to drift off again.  It seemed as if God would help me with this. (see other examples in comments to this post)

I still forget sometimes, but I'm getting better at it.  Hearing stories from other girls at meetings- especially when J shared at my first costa mesa meeting- gave me an insight into what this was really about- learning to live and love.  It helped to explain why human connection is a worthwhile thing, and how even if it did nothing for my eating-even if it made me fat, it was something that I needed in my life.

One of my big sticking points was what I wanted in a higher power.  The thing I wanted most was to be the favorite-the most important.  I wanted a God that loved me more than anyone else, and I wanted to know how to make God love me more.  Maybe if everyone has their own personal higher powers, then mine loves me most, but then who's higher power is the best?  if mine loves me most, but isn't the best, then who cares?  It drove me in circles.  Climbing trees and watching squirrels helped with that.  But I was also bothered by the idea of unconditional love.  If it was unconditional, then where was the incentive to be good?  If I'm loved- good or bad, then I do nothing to earn it.  It seemed worthless.  Love that is thrown around so freely and offered up to any criminal is hardly worth having.  I wanted to have to be good...better...exceptional in order to earn God's love.  I wanted to be able to control how much he loved me by working hard to be better.  It's funny-it made so much sense before, and while I still understand it, it seems a little silly now, and beside the point.  God loves me for who I am, not what I do.  What I do may be an external representation of who I am, but the core spirit and personality of me is there regardless.  And that's what he loves.  Nothing I do will change who I am- it only changes the outer appearance of who I am.  As I grow in the program, my outer appearance and actions will become more and more consistent with who I really am inside, which never changes how much God loves me, because he could see the real me all along!  Wow.  this is making more and more sense!  By accepting that there is such a power who really loves me for my true honest innermost self, I begin to trust that part of me, and become more willing to share it.  By trusting my higher power, I can stop trying to control how God feels about me, and how I appear to everyone else, and start working on how to make my life and actions true to my self.  This is so cool!

I got exactly what I asked for!

So the theme of the week was telling my truth, then letting go.  It was hard, but I had help.  I played a game of questions with my...boyfriend?... right...well we'll call him that.  But I asked the questions I was afraid to ask, and allowed my true emotional reactions to show.  I fumbled clumsily through my answers to his questions until I had answered them honestly and thoroughly, and he waited patiently for me to get everything out.  If I thought i didn't know, I knew that I was supressing it, and I would dig for it, find it, blush, get scared, think about how to say it perfectly, call myself out for being in my head, and just speak my thoughts out loud.  I gradually got more coherent.  It was the best night we had together.  I wanted to know why he liked me.  Am I more than just a body to him?  I got my answer, and I liked it.  I learned a lot about him, and feel much more connected and free.  He asked what I would change about him, which was terrifying.  I immediately blocked it, and it took me almost a half hour to dig it back out, but when I said it, it sounded easy.  He was pleasantly surprised, and made the change instantaneously.  It was really cool.  When I faced my fears and asked for what I wanted, I got it.  It feels really good, and I like him soooooooo much more now!  It's so cool.

mmmm Humble Pie!

i frequently get annoyed with some of the other students in some of my classes because I learn a lot of the techniques so much faster than they do.  I have a lot of experience in choreography and different styles, so it just clicks in my brain and body faster than other beginners.  There is one particular beginner who drives me nuts.  He's got a huge ego, and doesn't seem aware of how clumsy and uncoordinated he is.  Today, I got paired up with him to do some partner work, and I had nothing on him!  Seriously...I tripped on his leg twice.  i know the techniques forwards and backwards when I'm doing them alone, but their meant to be done with a partner.  He may not know the techniques as well as I do, but he had a better sense of how to work with a partner, and that is a vitally important skill- more important than any of the techniques.  It was a nice reminder that everyone has their thing-their specialty or skill.  I can't just go around writing people off.

Good Day!

I am so excited about my new friend!  It was amazing when I first connected with people in OA, and found a whole support group of people who thought just like me.  It was a relief and a comfort to be with people who shared so much in common with me, but there was always a missing piece.  I have a kinda unusual job that is tightly woven with my body and image, and I hadn't really found anyone in program who could relate to that.  Today, I found one!  She's close to my age, in a similar line of work, she began her recovery about 2 months after me, and we're practically neighbors!  I'm just so grateful!  especially since it's been hard finding people in program close to my age who live anywhere near me.  This is just everything I'd been praying for!  I guess that's how it works isn't it?  God is so cool.  

What else...

I took like...an hour and a half detour on a really cool twisty turney back road through the mountains today.  I was running late, and took this road as a short cut, drove almost 40 miles, and found out that the road was closed, and the only way to get where I was going was to go all of the way back the way I came, and return to my usual route.  Instead of being 15 minutes late, I would now be at least 1 hour and 45 minutes late.  Did I stress about it?  well...yes.  but only for like 2-5 minutes!  I called my friend to let him know, and then enjoyed the ride.  I couldn't have done that before recovery.  I also had time to think about my upcoming appointment.  It was a photoshoot...the first one I've done since I started my abstinence.  I knew I needed the pictures, and that I was in relatively good shape, but I really felt like I needed to stop eating for at least a day prior to the shots or at the very least take a massive overdose of fiber to help empty out my stomach.  You can't take pictures with anything in your stomach, right?  My thinking was so disordered on this topic.  I totally would have done it if it wasn't clearly defined in my abstinence.  I was stressing out about getting these pictures without engaging in any of that sort of behavior.  I wanted to put them off til I was skinnier or something, but I needed them now!  On my long detour, while I was working on accepting things as they are, I realized that the stuff we were going to be doing in the photo shoot was going to be really fun...REALLY fun!  I was so worried about my stomach, that I forgot how cool it was going to be.  I decided to let go.  There was nothing I could do about my stomach.  It was probably fine anyway.  I could just focus on enjoying the day.  And I did.  I was pretty present.  Pretty exciting that I could do that.

Gratitude

I just scrolled through my text messages on my phone, and saw sooo many loving messages from my friends, and they're all from the past 3 days!  I'm just really grateful to have so many real true friends who care about me, and to be able to recognize that and have real connections with them.  Today I did a lot of living, and spent a good portion of the time actually being present.  I had the daily reprieve, and felt kinda centered.  It's weird to have felt sooo awful for no particular reason monday night/tuesday morning, and even though nothing has changed since then, to be totally at peace and happy today (wednesday).  

Compulsive thoughts: The Red Herring

I didn't want to eat my 2nd meal today.  I knew I had to do it according to my food plan, and I didn't fight it, but I knew that one bite would be too much, and the whole fridge would never be enough.  I could just feel it.  I would have liked to just not eat to avoid the drama, but these are the situations we have food plans for.  When our heads are crazy, and we can't make that connection to our higher powers, we rely on the food plan to tell us what to do.  and it did.  I had my measured serving, and wanted more, but I stopped...cuz that's what the plan says to do.  I kinda wanted to purge.  Obviously not an option.  I could read an OA book on the treadmill...no.  I'm exhausted, and that sounds kinda compulsive.  Laxatives sounded really promising.  So did diet pills...but no...the cleansing herbal tea felt like it would be a really good solution.  Those all violate my abstinence though.  On my way to my computer, I kept catching glimpses of my reflection in the mirror.  I was intensely aware of rolls in my stomach, and was strongly compelled to look and see if they were there...to pick out all my good qualities, and weigh them against the bad.  See how I measured up.  What can be fixed.  It occurred to me that stepping on the scale would fix everything.  How silly!  It would be so easy to get caught up in all of this if I wasn't just reading about it last night and this morning.  About how the obsession with food and weight is just a smoke screen that we can latch onto to avoid facing the more difficult.  No matter how much it sucks to be preoccupied with weight, it always has a simple solution: lose weight.  The stuff I'm struggling with now...there's nothing to do about it.  I just have to accept it and how I feel about it.  There is no action to take, except maybe to write about it.  I'm gonna go do that with my sponsor.

Quick Confession

I took one fat burning supplement this morning.  It seemed like a really good rational idea, but even in the moment, I knew that I shouldn't, and that it was my disease telling me to do it.  I chose to do it anyway.  I wonder if maybe there should be something in my abstinence that addresses diet pills.  lol.  I don't want there to be...you know...just in case ; )  That's probably something that I really need to examine.  but there it is!  I'm being honest and accountable.  I took a diet pill today.