Communication in Relationships

There are so many things I'm not comfortable talking about for so many reasons.  I used to live in denial of their relevance or importance.  In my last post, I identified thoughts and feelings and how they were impacting my recovery when they were neglected.  Last night I took another step forward and attempted to express them.  I wanted to practice speaking from the heart in the moment, so I didn't use the letter I'd written.  Instead, I compressed it into about 3 shaky half coherent sentences, and then fumbled trying to explain.  It was kinda funny.  I was really scared!  I'm not sure why, since I recognized that there's no real pressure.  I know that I don't control the results.  All that really matters is that I tell my whole truth-what I want and need and what's making me nervous or uncomfortable.  I thought if I just put it out there, everything would fall into place.  He would say "oh---you want a real relationship where I know you and appreciate you for who you are..." and either 

a.) "that's awesome!  let's talk and get to know each other better."  

or 

b.) "I really don't care about any of that.  I just wanted you for your body."  in which case I'd be out, and not have to worry about it anymore.  Either way, I thought it would be done and settled...out of my hands.  The truth is, what I get is a lot of practice continuing to try to express myself.  I clumsily put it out there, and he nodded interestedly, but gave no input.  I hadn't realized that I wanted answers.  I had phrased the whole mess as an expression, but what I really wanted was to know how he felt about me-why he liked me.  It is after all what I'm trying to find within myself- who I am as a person.  That night we played games and did some creative thinking rather than checking out and watching movies, and later, we talked a little more.  In the past, I've been with people who volunteer tons of personal information, and drag the same out of me.  I always liked it because I was afraid to ask, and afraid to volunteer the info on my own.  It's so good for me to have to muddle through it right now.  This is exactly what I need to be learning to do, and even though he doesn't make it easy, is at lease receptive and cooperative.  So I tried again later, rephrasing what I had said, and asking for his thoughts.  He didn't know what to say, so I tried asking questions.  That's almost harder than just talking!  It reveals so much about my insecurities, desires, and vulnerabilities to ask how he feels about me.  I have to ask him to take a risk by searching for and revealing the answer, so I feel like I'm imposing and being needy.  And I have to be prepared to hear and internalize the answer!  Part of the reason I used to be so scared of that was because I felt responsible for their reaction.  If I asked him a question, and he answered, and I didn't like the answer, I had to make him think that I did like the answer so he didn't feel bad, but take care of myself at the same time.  Of course I was scared!  Once I accepted that my reaction is best left in its own natural form unaltered by my interpretation of what he wants it to be, I was more willing to be open and search for what I really wanted to know...OK...well, I am now ; )  It's going to be a really long process of learning how to do this, but it kinda feels like now is a good time to start practicing.  Right now, I'm so willing to push myself to take new emotional risks, open up, connect with people, and try new things.  It is really scary, and I like that.

Dating in Recovery

I've often heard that it's not a good idea to date early in recovery.  Most would advise against it at all in the first year, and I'm just short of 4 months.  This is such a confusing, turbulent time, that I would generally agree.  Dating right now would be pretty dangerous for me.  In my first month, my dearest core values were challenged and proven wrong by people who care about me.  My highest priorities were proven unimportant, my oldest routines and ideas were proven wrong and harmful...my most elementary and foundational beliefs and values were uprooted, leaving everything I know and believe up for debate.  I used to think I knew exactly where I stood on a lot of things, but having my "core, inalienable truths" invalidated puts everything on shaky ground.  I feel so impressionable-like I can't trust anything I know, and I just want to latch onto someone who can give me all of the answers...well not so much anymore, but sometimes.  And that's not a really good state of mind to be dating in.  you know?  Especially since the last pseudo relationship I was in involved a guy who liked to tell me who I was, what to do, and generally mold me to his satisfaction.  My only defense was absolute certainty of what I knew to be right and wrong.  But now I've learned that there are more important things than having the perfect body, or the best, hardest skills, or working the hardest at your job.  Things like a Higher Power, and real human connections blow that stuff away...at least I'm beginning to accept that.  But it's a hard transition to make such a radical change in my mind, and I was so sure that working the hardest was the most important thing.  Will I sacrifice dignity or morals?  Probably not, but I do feel a lot less sure of myself.  I guess I just realize how much work I have to do finding out who I am.  I need to make it my top priority to figure that out ...

That's exactly what I thought when he asked me out a month ago...only I accidentally said yes.  Weird, huh?  But saying yes was contrary action for me.  Like I said: I thought working hard and achieving tangible things were the most important things in the world.  I would spend 8 hours/day in the gym, and refuse to sacrifice a minute of training or sleep for social interaction of any kind.  For me, a big part of recovery is learning to connect with people and not isolate.  I figured we'd go on a casual date, and that would be it, but we had so much in common and connected on so many levels...it felt like forcing him away would have been very controlling and anti-recovery.  This was a good opportunity to practice connecting with someone I was really into...and don't I need practice!   It's been a really good experience in general so far.  I've gotten to be honest and open, and notice where I really need to stretch.  When something makes me upset or uncomfortable, I'm so afraid to express it.  I freeze or refuse to acknowledge that I'm upset.  I don't seem to be able to assert my needs because I can't figure out how to phrase them perfectly.  I'm so scared of saying something wrong or offensive-of my worries being misinterpreted or even worse- what if my thoughts and feelings actually ARE offensive, and they hurt someone!?  So things go unsaid...which is exactly what I'm supposed to be working on.  Sometimes it takes me a day or two to even comprehend my own needs and be able to articulate them coherently.  These concerns have come to a head recently, and I wrote down the general idea of what I need to say to him.

I have to be honest about something.  I'm flattered by all of the physical compliments.  I know they are said with the best intentions.  Sometimes they make me feel really good, but they also scare me.  It's really important for me to be learning NOT to validate myself based soley on physical appearance.  My self esteem must be based on WHO I am - not how I look or what I can do.  In my disorder, I was so far removed from mySELF- it was hidden and distorted by all the emphasis on everything physical.  I need to do some deep exploration to rediscover self, and remove the many layers of walls and defences that I spent years piling on to protect myself.  When we watch a movie, cuddle, and push my physical comfort zones without challenging the emotional barriers- without really talking and getting to know each other---I feel like we're slacking on the hard but worthwhile parts of having a relationship.  It's easy and stimulating, but I end up feeling confused, shallow, isolated, and almost like I'm betraying the part of me I'm trying so hard to find and nurture.  Why would I do that?  Why don't I say anything in the moment?  Because going in that direction validates the part of me that I'm used to relying on.  It's convenient.  And it seems to be what you want from me.  Whatever your true intentions are, the message I internalize is that you want me for my body and the rest of me is not worth getting to know- not worth searching for.  I am not good enough on my own.  The only way to get love and attention is to have a perfect body.  It becomes up to me to control that.  And there we have the very foundation of an eating disorder!

So what do I want from a relationship right now?  Honestly I don't think now is a good time to have one at all.  There's so much at risk of me allowing myself to be compromised, altered, hidden, or simply neglected.  I need to be learning to take care of myself-not necessarily others- and not relying on others to take care of me or validate me.  I need to build a strong support group with a wide foundation of friends.  When I spend so much time with one person, I am placing too much dependence on a single link in the chain before the safety net is rigged.  So there are many reasons NOT to have a relationship now...as there have always been...and as there always will be.  I have always put school and athletics before my friends and relationships.  Then is was weight management and career.  "If you interfere with my schedule, get out of my way" was the old attitude.  The idea of balancing my time- giving it to another person, opening up, sharing, being vulnerable, social, and actually having a life- that's very new for me.  That's contrary action.  It's hard.  If not now, when?  I will put it off forever.  It seems to me that I should not make a rule against it, but must remain VERY aware of my needs and intentions.  As long as it is aiding my recovery, great.  No need to rule it out.  But I must constantly reevaluate.  It is surely at a critical point now.  I need to express my concern and assert my needs.  That is recovery.  If this relationship continues exactly as it is now, it is taking time and energy from recovery without adding much to it.  It may need to be set aside or abandoned.  But perhaps expressing this to him will move me forward, and reveal that he wants the same thing.  Perhaps I need to be here now with a patient, self-assured, relatively uninhibited person who is willing to help me explore how I identify myself as an individual as well as in a relationship.  I have soooo much to learn.  I did so much to stifle my growth before.  it's a very important place for me to grow.  I have no idea where this is going to go, and the cool thing is that I don't have to.  It's not up to me to plan or control the outcome.  I just have to be honest, open, aware, and connected.  If I express myself accurately to him, I'm confident that it will work out for the best.  Now I just have to work on expressing it!  easier said than done.  Maybe I should commit to talking to him about it tonight.  I'm sure gonna try : )

How My Disease Works

Step 1: Wait for an Opening

This morning my instructor stayed late with me after class.  We spent an extra 45 min or so reviewing all of the techniques I have learned up to this point.  I did my usual weight routine, but feeling inspired by the confidence in my more solid skill set, I did slightly heavier weights.  I actually got some adrenaline pumping.  Normally I'm supposed to do such light weights that I never get my fix of that favorite drug, but this time, I got a taste of it.  But it was all upper body, so naturally, I assumed I should warm up my legs by doing an extra 20 min on the treadmill before I did the physical therapy exercises for my knee...which I was now inspired to do exceptionally well.  This took over an hour.  My light recovery morning (and yes...there is an evening one too) workout lasted almost 5 hours.  ED was ecstatic.  Congratulations!  Most people don't work out half that much when they're trying to be intense, and you're doing it by accident!  You are so tough!  What a great start to the day!  See?  You are strong, and soon you're going to be back to full workouts, and well on your way to being a super hero.  This is so great.  I'm so proud of you.  See how great you feel?  There's nothing wrong with working out for long periods of time.  That's how you get good.  That's the only way to really excel at what you want to do.  What else can you do to keep feeling good and productive?  I knew that I might have over done it a little.  Certainly no disaster.  I mean...it was all pretty low intensity, so it's not like I was damaging my body.  The main thing was that the opening was there.  And ED was waiting.  

Step 2: Refocus my Self Worth such that it is entirely invested in Productivity

I may have been able to shut him out if I had followed my usual routine of late, and done a good bit of writing as soon as I got home, but riding the momentum of the adrenaline or something, I was compelled to be as productive as possible.  I have a lot of business to get done.  Exercise and work are very closely intertwined for me, and once I feel like I'm doing well in something, I'm inspired to do even more to rise above the rest in that specific area.  I was good because I trained extra this morning.  I could be better if I did all of my paper work and mailings.  It took all of my afternoon free time, so I didn't get to do any writing.  That was OK though...I was productive, so I was good.  Now, this was a subtle little thing, but it shifted my self worth from recovery work to productivity, so when the choice of evening activities came up, it's not surprising what was most tempting.  Every Wednesday night, I go to one of my favorite meetings: Artists in Abstinence, and I probably don't go to quite enough meetings as it is, so this one is pretty important to my recovery.  When I started training with my coach, I made a commitment to myself that I wouldn't miss this meeting for training.  I wrote it down as a warning sign.  (funny how I forgot that when i was specifically asked if I was violating my exercise commitment).  Every Wednesday night, I feel a little upset about having to miss this one class at my gym.  I like the teacher, and the other 3 students are more advanced than me, so I get to learn the more advanced techniques and get ahead.  Perfect!  another way to get validation and feel superior!  So I hate missing this class, but I have been going to the meeting instead for weeks, because I know how important it is for my recovery.  So again I had the choice: Practice moderation and self care by going to the meeting, or Work out more than anyone else today, learn more advanced techniques, and solidify my skill set so that I can feel productive and superior.  I recognized that one represented recovery while the other gave the power back to my disease.  But I'm not really doing anything wrong!  and I did a little extra this morning, and look how good I feel!  This class makes you better!  I knew I was going to choose ED.  I still had 2 hours to decide.  I spent the first one reviewing notes on the techniques, and the 2nd hour getting a private lesson from one of the other instructors.  He did everything I needed to validate ED.  I learned everything I wanted to.  I was probably caught up to the 3 guys that were coming to the next class!  Haha!  now I was definitely going to stay.  If I'm caught up now, and I stay and learn with them, it'll all solidify, and then i'll be good, and they'll know I'm good.  ED had me.  He had my self esteem in the palm of his hand.  He pumped it up, so that I would choose to go with him.  How can I be so mistrusting of people when I so easily entrust ED with every part of me.  He always betrays me.

Step 3: Eliminate Productivity

Well class didn't go how I'd planned it.  The 3 advanced students didn't show up.  Only the brand new beginner was there, and the teacher taught to his level.  He didn't send me off on my own to review the new things that I wanted so desperately to practice.  He walked me step by step, painfully slowly how to do the most basic things that had taken me all of 20 seconds to learn on my first day.  My value as a person was based on the difficulty of the skills I was learning, and now the skills were subpar.  I went from super-human to sub-human.  

Step 4: Attack

With the slow pace of the class, I had lots of time to think.  I became intensely aware of my pudginess around the love handle area, and the fullness in my belly.  I would have liked to get an extra real workout in just to make sure that I balanced out how much I had eaten today (which by the way was exactly according to my food plan).  I probably would be better off if I didn't eat anything after class.  None of my workouts were that intense today anyway.  None of my workouts are intense anymore.  They're all so boring and pointless, I don't even know why I do them.  It's probably because I'm too lazy to think for myself.  I could have done one short intense workout, and it would have been more productive than the 7 hours I spent in the gym today, and then I wouldn't have been an ungrateful bum who sacrificed recovery for a stupid pointless class.  Obviously I don't care about myself if I could make a choice this stupid.  Didn't I know that skipping meetings for workout is self sabotauge?  obviously I don't care at all.  I pretty much blew it.  You know this is a relapse, right?  This is pretty much the same as if you ate out the grocery store, and puked it all up.  You're not just a bulimic and compulsive eater, you know.  You're an exercise addict, and a relapse in one thing is a relapse in everything.  Is there anything else you want to screw up now that you've signed your own death warrant?

It was weird being so aware of it the whole time...letting myself get invested in old methods of validation, and then seeing how quickly it turned on me.  Shut up!  This night was a miserable failure.  There is nothing to be learned here.  You've already given up.  You suck.  It's really scary how easily ED can turn the tables on me and beat me up once I've given him control, and it was amazing to observe how he tempts me, twists my thoughts, changes my actions, and then turns on me.  Maybe you would have been OK if you'd gone to the meeting, but you missed it!  Way to go.  the speaker probably told the most amazing story ever that would have changed your life and there was probably an important business contact that you were going to meet there, and you blew it, just because you stayed for this stupid class, where you learned NOTHING!  Really?  Oh my gosh I know!  It sucks!  But maybe it's good that I realize how much I would have liked to go to the meeting.  I mean...I did learn a lot about this process, and why it's so important that I don't succome to the temptation of ED.  Even if he's pushing me towards a really good activity, if any part of me is feeling rebellious and defiant, it's probably important...at least for now, to make the recovery choice.  Sometimes it's really hard, but if I give the power to ED, that's the one thing i can count on.  He will always let me down.  Shut up!  This was a lose-lose situation, and you lost.  There's no lesson.  You wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out even if there was.  You just suck, now shut up and be miserable.  Yeah-right- except that I actually did learn something, and I think it's going to be really valuable in the future.  I might even be able to share it with others who will find it useful.  I would have loved to be at the meeting, but the lesson I learned by missing it may wind up being even more valuable.  Ha ha.  I learned something.  ED sucks.  and he's not me.

Silly Control Methods...

Rahhhhh!  I am so extremely angry right now.  well, I've calmed down a little on the way home, but when I was standing on the mat listening to that man ramble on and on while I was supposed to be working out, I could feel my trachea closing up.  It got hard to breathe.  My eyes welled up with tears, and I caught myself clutching the collar of my uniform, and pulling it tightly around my neck.  I knew I was overreacting.  I knew I could accept the situation, and learn something from it.  I was there with this instructor for a reason, and if I would just calm down and open my mind, I could learn something.  but if I calmed down, he wouldn't understand that HE was messing up my workout.  He would think it was OK to give me one single technique to do: one move, let me do it ONCE, and then talk for freakin' 10 minutes about "what it is and why we're doing it, and where, and how, and back in 1541 when it was created for this purpose there was this guy, and it's functional!  It really works! and bla bla bla" and I don't freakin' care!  I don't!  I have a limited amount of time to work on this stuff.  I could get over 100 reps in the time that this guy is running his mouth, and most of it is stammering!  So, my head was a whirlwind.  What would be the best "recovery" solution?  Would it be expressing my needs as a form of self care?  I tried asking if I could do reps of the technique...OK...not true.  I asked if I should do extra reps.  He said that wasn't necessary, so I do wish I had expressed that better.  I kept trying to find a good opening to ask if I could just practice the techniques, and to tell him that I didn't need to hear the entire history of each one, but there were no openings.  As the tension and frustration built, I could feel it exploding out my ears and throat.  And there was a mirror in front of me...believe me...I was not being all that subtle.  My expression looked like I was being tortured or suffocated.  I was practically cowering.  It was really silly, but I was allowing my emotions to run away with me.  I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted, so I figured that if I could show him how much he was hurting me, he would at least ask what was wrong.  Then I could tell him that I was having trouble processing the valuable information he was giving me because I had a lot of pent up energy, and just really needed to do reps.  But he never asked!  He seemed completely oblivious the entire time.  Like talking to a brick wall.  If I had been a statue or 2 year old child running around screaming, I don't believe he would have said a single word differently.  Another reason I was uncomfortable interrupting him is the student/teacher protocol in this sort of program.  I'm pretty sure the student gets no say, and has to do whatever the instructor orders.  I generally like that kind of thing, because I love being pushed beyond my physical limits...but this was sooooo unphysical!!!  and the more frustrated I get, the more I want to resort to my favorite coping mechanism...Compulsive Exercise!  I was dying to move-to exert my body beyond human capabilities, but I had to stand there, and listen!!!! Ahhhhhhhh! ughhhhhhhhh!  it was too much.  And then the head instructor came past and said I was done.  And that was it.  there went my precious training time.  but at least I didn't have to listen to him anymore.

Now that I've had some more time to calm down, I guess that extra 40 min of training time wasn't that crucial.  My life isn't dramatically altered having lost it.  And I'm sure there was something to be gained from listening to his gobbly-gook.  Probably the most important thing I could have gained from this was practice letting go of my will-my plan for the workout.  He is the instructor, and what I learn is up to him...i guess.  It just seemed so wrong to waste all that training time...OK...that did sound really disordered, didn't it.  It's just that I swear he's giving me wrong information on half the stuff...true, he knows more than I do, but he's directly contradicting my other instructor, who is clearly better, more experienced, and more knowledgable. I'm not sure whether it would have been better to assert myself, and get my way, or to practice acceptance, and try to get something out of the absurd experience, but wallowing in the indecision was the worst option.  Since I'm supposed to try to be self-loving, I'm gonna congratulate myself on at least recognizing the 2 better options in the moment, and what I was doing.  I'm getting the awareness.  I just have to keep practicing. 

Ouch! ED, get out of my head!

I can't remember feeling this bad about my body for this long consecutively.  I guess that's because I used to numb it out with action.  If my legs looked big, I'd run til I couldn't feel them.  If my stomach felt chubby, I'd do situps til it burned too much to feel anything else.  Recovery is hard right now.  and as painful as it is to be this disgusted with myself, I know that that's not the real issue.  In fact, I'm kinda stalling by focusing on it right now.  I have soooooo much CRAP floating around my head that needs to be sorted out.  At least 2 major emotional core issues that have resurfaced multiple times in my life.  I just made the connections.  This morning I discovered the parallel.  It's really hard for me to see people in my career who attack their work with such single minded enthusiasm, blocking out all else, pushing harder than anyone else, making sacrifices, and succeeding.  Don't get me wrong... I love it too.  I love seeing perseverence paying off, but I'm told by so many therapists and advisors in program that it's that kind of unrelenting drive that got me into trouble.  I pushed myself over the edge, and that's why I crumbled.  These are the people guiding me in my recovery.  They tell me I need to learn to rest, take care of myself, and find balance...rely on a higher power, turn over my will, and make time for friends.  If I do these things, I can have a wonderful amazing life...like them.  But when I look at them and what they have, and judge it with my old set of values, it's not something i really want.  Especially when I've got a role model in front of me who has driven himself to the ends of the earth, sacrificing everything-time, money, health, friends, relationships...and he has achieved everything i've ever hoped to achieve.  He has everything I ever wanted.  In almost every way, he is who I want to be.  what do i want a life for?  Why should I give up living the way I want to, pursuing my dreams the way I see fit just to be like someone I don't want to be like?  If I want what HE has, then I should do what he does instead of listen to these women, who seem really happy and fulfilled, but they're not doing what I want to do or achieving what I want to achieve.  HE hates the idea of trusting and relying on a higher power because it's weak.  It means admitting you don't have control over your life or the power to actually set your own path and follow it regardless of the hardships.  That's how i've felt for most of my life.  If it works for HIM, why can't I do that?  Why not?  I don't know.  But I can't.  I freakin' hate being powerless.  I hate it.  I feel so inadequate right now.  If other people can push that hard and succeed, why did I fail?  Why can they drill themselves into the ground and come out on top, while I got burried?  I feel like such a failure.  I feel like I'm fighting for a cause I don't believe in, because I'll be annihilated if I don't betray myself and support the enemy.  So I'm carrying out orders from the enemy until I can become so brainwashed that I believe in their cause.

     Wow.  That's soooo ED talking.  i guess.  It really feels that way though.  and I know there are times when I'm excited and inspired by recovery, and in the long run, the rewards of this program will be worth it.  I'll be able to everything I set my mind to more effectively.  It doesn't mean I'm going to give up on my goals...in fact, they're more likely to get accomplished.  It's just...when I'm taking so much strong action against ED, his position of authority in my mind gets threatened, and he kicks and screams as an instinctive survival technique- a last resort.  If I keep working my program, and can get through this outburst, his temper tantrum will fizzle out, and he'll have to retreat and regroup.  I'll be free for a while.  It scares me, because he's dominant in my head right now, and it scares him.  I don't know who I am without him.  I'm scared of how I will change.  But the truth is (as thank God, many of my closest friends have reminded me), I will always love the activities I love.  I will always have a drive for excellence.  These traits and others that compliment them will only become more pronounced as I become a fully actualized human being.  

ED has been training hard

     Last night, I found that I had to cover up the mirrors in my house.  I'm looking at them with different eyes.  It was an almost instantaneous change, after which I could see no good.  Every flaw lurched out at me.  When my boyfriend affectionately touched my stomach, my breath got caught in my throat.  I knew he could feel how big and blubbery it was.  Certainly it had grown in the past few days (not that I have strayed from my food plan, eaten even slightly beyond fullness, or missed a single workout).  But I knew I was bigger.  Besides, I was practically bulging out of my shorts.

     They say that while we're working on recovery, ED is in the closet doing push ups.  Well, when I do pushups, ED tells me I have to do them with giant sand bags on my back, and keep going until my arms collapse under me.  You better believe he's been pushing himself just as hard while he's been cooped up in there, just biding his time.  I was getting comfortable in my recovery.  I'd settled into a routine, and ED knows I get bored easily.  ED knows I like things to be challenging.  I like to be pushed.  He knows that I don't know how to deal with drama or conflict, so he waited until all these outside circumstances were bearing down on me.  He waited until I started digging through the origin of my disease, and where my unhealthy ideas came from, and when all these things were fresh in my head, he jumped out and yelled "Remember that idea!  It was brilliant then, and it's brilliant now.  It's worked on other people, and it can work for you if you stop being so gullible and lazy.  You're the one who's sinking into mediocrity to make friends...giving up on your dreams just for some imaginary higher power.  You want a life?  Since when did you ever want that?  you tried that once, and got bored in a week.  You don't want a life.  you want to be exceptional.  Anyone can have a life.  You can be the best.  You have something extra.  And you want to waste that?  And for what?  Look at all this crap that is going on!  You don't even like having a life.  You have to worry about other people, and their time and their feelings, and what they think of you.  You're probably going to hurt them anyway, because you don't really care anyway.  You're only using them to get a stupid life you don't even want.  You're wasting your time on lazy mediocre "workouts" that you don't even like.  You could be spending that time training with some actual intensity on something that is functional, that matters, and that you enjoy, but no!  Lets spend our precious gym time stretching and doing physical therapy, and the freakin most boring techniques ever with a bunch of average people.  What would your old coach say?  This is disgusting.  You're not even trying.  I'm so disgusted.  Some people just don't care, and that's bad enough, but what you're doing is even worse.  You're deluding yourself- pretending you don't care to impress stupid average people who don't understand you.

     I hear him yelling, and everything he's saying feels right.  When I'm being ruled by my recovery voice, just one of these thoughts scares me, but today, I can't help but defend them.  My fear is that the recovery voice will overpower them and I'll forget how important that stuff is.  I know it's all my disorder.  The thing my sponsor said this morning that helped was that when we're in recovery, we're more effective at everything we do.  Of course I can argue that, (well, I guess it would be ED that would argue with that) but in reality, I think I've been almost as effective in this beginning phase of recovery as I have during the high points of my disease, and right now I'm building strength and momentum, whereas before in my disease, I could push really hard for a while, but it was quickly exhausting my resources.  I know that this will pass, and I will have peace and serenity again, and it's OK that right now that scares me more than comforts me.

     What am I doing?  Praying.  I'm praying to see what I need to see; to hear what I need to hear; to do what I need to do; to feel that strong connection to my HP so that I know when to push, and when to take it easy.  I'm taking a lot of contrary action.  Last night I didn't want to stop eating, so I put the food away.  ED told me the only way to fix me was to go to the gym, condition until my muscles trembled and my hands bled, so I went to a meeting instead.  ED told me that I had a million crucially important things that must all be done today.  I must spend 3 hrs at the gym this morning, go to another outdoor class, run errands, then be back at the gym in the afternoon.  So I came home after an hour and a half at the gym.  I'm going to take a nap.  He told me that since I didn't do my whole workout, I couldn't have my snack.  I ate my snack, because my food plan told me it was the right time.  ED is most powerful when I'm at my weakest, which is often when I'm sleep deprived.  ED can exhaust himself yelling for all I care.  I'll be sleeping.  later  : )

Haha.  I got it.  (ps...that was a sarcastic irritated haha.  I am not laughing)  The tension and frustration have been building all week.  I've been watching the clock waiting for meal times, craving more when it's done, and abusing condiments.  I can't look in the mirror without tearing into every little flaw on my body.  I'm judging.  I've even been trying to justify straying from my food plan once or twice, but thank God, I could see even in the moment that those were the moments my food plan was created for.  Those are the times when I'm about to get out of control, and I need those guidelines to protect me from compulsive harmful actions.  So I stuck to it, but it felt white knucklie.  I've been writing a ton, sharing at meetings, and making soooo many phone calls, calling newcomers, and reading, being social...I've even been doing intense step work tracing the origin of my disease, and revisiting past experiences.  It was suggested that perhaps I'm just uncomfortable with those things.  Just because I've identified and analyzed them doesn't mean I'm comfortable with them.  That sorta made sense.  I do have a lot of things going on that I don't really know how to deal with right now.  Talking about it doesn't just magically fix everything (unfortunately).  It helps of course, but I still have so much to sort through.  The weird thing was that most of these issues and explorations felt inspiring...scary?  yes.  uncomfortable?  definitely.  But in a fun, exciting way...well most of it.  I was about to go to sleep, and was doing some hard core praying, because i just know something's going on with me.  I asked God to help me to see what I needed to see, and it all just exploded out of me.  Recovery is starting to make me feel really normal, and I freakin' hate it.  I eat moderately.  I exercise reasonably.  I make time for friends, I read, I write...bla bla bla...I'm so bored out of my mind, I think I'm going to burst.  I liked working out 8 hrs/day, because people can't work out 8 hrs/day.  I like doing what can't be done.  I like pushing myself to the limit, and exceeding all expectations.  I'm so mad at recovery and people for taking away from my training time, and at God for making me wait around for this injury to get better.  I feel like he cut my legs out from under me.  He did!  and I know why.  And it's because I needed the time to build a relationship with a higher power, where I trust and rely on God, and spend time connecting with other humans, which are all things that I don't want to do right now!  I know i'm overreacting and being bitter and black-and-white, but I'm so frustrated!  I want to be good...but not just good.  I want to be exceptional...beyond exceptional.  Super-human.  I feel like ... I have the ability to be world class at several different sports, and I had a real shot at a few of them already, but something was always off in my head that prevented me from working hard enough.  I have so many friends now who have reached that level, and I try to explain to them that I was right there too, but I pushed too hard.  but they disagree.  Because they did it too.  They just didn't have a freakin' eating disorder that caused them to self sabotauge.  They still sacrificed social life.  They lived for their sport.  sleep, nutrition, study, and hours and hours of intense training...it all revolved around their sport.  That's all there was.  That's how they rose to the top.  That's what I want to do.  It's how I've always lived instinctively, and it's so hard to have to give it up for something you don't even know you want.  I just feel so backed into a corner.  At least I know I'm feeling, because I'm crying again.  I was actually a little worried, because I hadn't had a good cry in a while.  I know some of this is me vs. E.D.  ED wants me to think I'm horrible for giving up my dreams (which I haven't done at all.  I'm jsut approaching them in a different way) and being lazy.  ED is making a violent protest of the new ideas and way of life that has been dominant in my head for the past few weeks.  ED is louder than the new ideas now, and it feels like he's right.  He's so loud now, that I'm scared he's going to be overruled soon, and I will forget how important it is to strive ever harder for excellence.  I'm afraid I'm going to fade into mediocrity.  I guess I'm a little hurt to find out that my coach, who "chose me to be his little prodigy student, and rise through the ranks"... well this is actually a line he uses on lots of young women who he thinks he can seduce.  I didn't realize how hurt I was about the idea that I might not have been selected for my skill and determination.  One of the last girls he chose didn't have prior training, or specific aspirations in this field!  It's just...ugh...i have to go.  more on this later