Silly Control Methods...

Rahhhhh!  I am so extremely angry right now.  well, I've calmed down a little on the way home, but when I was standing on the mat listening to that man ramble on and on while I was supposed to be working out, I could feel my trachea closing up.  It got hard to breathe.  My eyes welled up with tears, and I caught myself clutching the collar of my uniform, and pulling it tightly around my neck.  I knew I was overreacting.  I knew I could accept the situation, and learn something from it.  I was there with this instructor for a reason, and if I would just calm down and open my mind, I could learn something.  but if I calmed down, he wouldn't understand that HE was messing up my workout.  He would think it was OK to give me one single technique to do: one move, let me do it ONCE, and then talk for freakin' 10 minutes about "what it is and why we're doing it, and where, and how, and back in 1541 when it was created for this purpose there was this guy, and it's functional!  It really works! and bla bla bla" and I don't freakin' care!  I don't!  I have a limited amount of time to work on this stuff.  I could get over 100 reps in the time that this guy is running his mouth, and most of it is stammering!  So, my head was a whirlwind.  What would be the best "recovery" solution?  Would it be expressing my needs as a form of self care?  I tried asking if I could do reps of the technique...OK...not true.  I asked if I should do extra reps.  He said that wasn't necessary, so I do wish I had expressed that better.  I kept trying to find a good opening to ask if I could just practice the techniques, and to tell him that I didn't need to hear the entire history of each one, but there were no openings.  As the tension and frustration built, I could feel it exploding out my ears and throat.  And there was a mirror in front of me...believe me...I was not being all that subtle.  My expression looked like I was being tortured or suffocated.  I was practically cowering.  It was really silly, but I was allowing my emotions to run away with me.  I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted, so I figured that if I could show him how much he was hurting me, he would at least ask what was wrong.  Then I could tell him that I was having trouble processing the valuable information he was giving me because I had a lot of pent up energy, and just really needed to do reps.  But he never asked!  He seemed completely oblivious the entire time.  Like talking to a brick wall.  If I had been a statue or 2 year old child running around screaming, I don't believe he would have said a single word differently.  Another reason I was uncomfortable interrupting him is the student/teacher protocol in this sort of program.  I'm pretty sure the student gets no say, and has to do whatever the instructor orders.  I generally like that kind of thing, because I love being pushed beyond my physical limits...but this was sooooo unphysical!!!  and the more frustrated I get, the more I want to resort to my favorite coping mechanism...Compulsive Exercise!  I was dying to move-to exert my body beyond human capabilities, but I had to stand there, and listen!!!! Ahhhhhhhh! ughhhhhhhhh!  it was too much.  And then the head instructor came past and said I was done.  And that was it.  there went my precious training time.  but at least I didn't have to listen to him anymore.

Now that I've had some more time to calm down, I guess that extra 40 min of training time wasn't that crucial.  My life isn't dramatically altered having lost it.  And I'm sure there was something to be gained from listening to his gobbly-gook.  Probably the most important thing I could have gained from this was practice letting go of my will-my plan for the workout.  He is the instructor, and what I learn is up to him...i guess.  It just seemed so wrong to waste all that training time...OK...that did sound really disordered, didn't it.  It's just that I swear he's giving me wrong information on half the stuff...true, he knows more than I do, but he's directly contradicting my other instructor, who is clearly better, more experienced, and more knowledgable. I'm not sure whether it would have been better to assert myself, and get my way, or to practice acceptance, and try to get something out of the absurd experience, but wallowing in the indecision was the worst option.  Since I'm supposed to try to be self-loving, I'm gonna congratulate myself on at least recognizing the 2 better options in the moment, and what I was doing.  I'm getting the awareness.  I just have to keep practicing.