Communication in Relationships

There are so many things I'm not comfortable talking about for so many reasons.  I used to live in denial of their relevance or importance.  In my last post, I identified thoughts and feelings and how they were impacting my recovery when they were neglected.  Last night I took another step forward and attempted to express them.  I wanted to practice speaking from the heart in the moment, so I didn't use the letter I'd written.  Instead, I compressed it into about 3 shaky half coherent sentences, and then fumbled trying to explain.  It was kinda funny.  I was really scared!  I'm not sure why, since I recognized that there's no real pressure.  I know that I don't control the results.  All that really matters is that I tell my whole truth-what I want and need and what's making me nervous or uncomfortable.  I thought if I just put it out there, everything would fall into place.  He would say "oh---you want a real relationship where I know you and appreciate you for who you are..." and either 

a.) "that's awesome!  let's talk and get to know each other better."  

or 

b.) "I really don't care about any of that.  I just wanted you for your body."  in which case I'd be out, and not have to worry about it anymore.  Either way, I thought it would be done and settled...out of my hands.  The truth is, what I get is a lot of practice continuing to try to express myself.  I clumsily put it out there, and he nodded interestedly, but gave no input.  I hadn't realized that I wanted answers.  I had phrased the whole mess as an expression, but what I really wanted was to know how he felt about me-why he liked me.  It is after all what I'm trying to find within myself- who I am as a person.  That night we played games and did some creative thinking rather than checking out and watching movies, and later, we talked a little more.  In the past, I've been with people who volunteer tons of personal information, and drag the same out of me.  I always liked it because I was afraid to ask, and afraid to volunteer the info on my own.  It's so good for me to have to muddle through it right now.  This is exactly what I need to be learning to do, and even though he doesn't make it easy, is at lease receptive and cooperative.  So I tried again later, rephrasing what I had said, and asking for his thoughts.  He didn't know what to say, so I tried asking questions.  That's almost harder than just talking!  It reveals so much about my insecurities, desires, and vulnerabilities to ask how he feels about me.  I have to ask him to take a risk by searching for and revealing the answer, so I feel like I'm imposing and being needy.  And I have to be prepared to hear and internalize the answer!  Part of the reason I used to be so scared of that was because I felt responsible for their reaction.  If I asked him a question, and he answered, and I didn't like the answer, I had to make him think that I did like the answer so he didn't feel bad, but take care of myself at the same time.  Of course I was scared!  Once I accepted that my reaction is best left in its own natural form unaltered by my interpretation of what he wants it to be, I was more willing to be open and search for what I really wanted to know...OK...well, I am now ; )  It's going to be a really long process of learning how to do this, but it kinda feels like now is a good time to start practicing.  Right now, I'm so willing to push myself to take new emotional risks, open up, connect with people, and try new things.  It is really scary, and I like that.