Contemplating Cravings

hmmmm...I keep thinking I should eat something.  It's that restlessness again.  I know I'm not hungary.  I ate like 20 minutes ago, and I was kinda irritable before that too.  I don't feel like anything is weighing on my mind, but my experience over the past 98 days has suggested that there must be something eating at me, and the only way to be present and peaceful (and lose the craving) is to dig...what could it be...

I've been debating with a lot of people about my abstinence lately.  It was really scary and stressful for me to have it called into question on Saturday (even though I went to a workshop specifically to seek advice on defining it).  Everyone agrees that I am the only one who can really define it for myself, but many people who I really trust and admire, who have a lot of years of recovery feel that my abstinence is too restrictive.  They think that no purging would be enough, and that saying I will never binge is just setting myself up for failure.  I have a hard time grasping this idea.  If I'm not abstaining from bingeing, what am I really abstaining from?  What's the point of counting days when the days don't mean anything to you?  Giving up purging was not difficult for me.  It was only a method of compensating for the binges.  I tried everything to stop the binges, and that's the real addiction for me.  And since I started program, I haven't even come close to bingeing.  That was the whole reason I've taken so much time out of my life to seek recovery: to stop bingeing.  I got way more than that in return.  I got a higher power, and friends, and mentors, and a system of living, but bingeing disconnects me from all of that, doesn't it?  I considered making my abstinence related to that: staying connected, but that is such a new hard thing for me!  and of course it is!  It's all new, and I'm learning, but I can't expect to be connected all of the time!  It's something for me to keep working on, and long term, it's the only thing that keeps me from compulsively over eating, but making that my abstinence is even more abstract than "no bingeing".  I really wanted to figure out exactly where I drew the line between clean abstinence and broken, but I'm starting to think that I might be better off without a clear line.  I know I have a tendency to find the line, walk right up to it, stand on it, jump up and down on it, put my toe over the edge, jump back and forth, and then fall over the edge.  If there's no absolute line, I am less tempted to approach it.  It's less interesting.  I love rebelling against authority, and this is something that I really don't want to test, so perhaps it's best if it remains general.  Also, if I know quantitatively how much I can have before it's a binge, I'm more likely to get close to it when I'm too tired to think.  If you're walking at the top of a cliff, and there is a clear stone edge, you may walk comfortably near it than if there is a wide sliding dirt edge that looks like it may crumble out from under you.  You'll be more cautious, because you're not sure which ground is safe to walk on.  You keep your distance when you're too tired to be on your toes.  Would you ever draw a line in the middle of that sliding slope, and say that this side of the line is safe, and the other isn't?  There may be some points on the other side of that line that won't drop you off the edge if you have your wits about you, but you generally want to stay as far away from there as possible.  And that's what my food plan does.  It keeps me so far away from a binge, that I don't have to think.  I can walk around with my eyes shut, and know that as long as I stick to those guidelines, I don't have to worry.  When I'm on top of my game, I stay within my guidelines, and practice being aware.  I take note of when I get hungary, and practice stopping when I feel fullness.  But if circumstances demand that I take a few steps outside of my safety zone, well I have to be extra cautious.  I have to use those skills I've been practicing.  And if I fell off the cliff...believe me:  I'd know it.  And I'd know when it was happening.  Having spent a few days digesting the input and my own thoughts and feelings, I actually feel really good about this vague abstinence.  No purging, No restricting, and NO BINGEING.  at least for today.

wow.  well i thought it was gonna be hard to figure out what was bugging me.  I guess it was pretty obvious this time.  and I'm totally not hungary.  later!