ugh.  i don't feel like writing, but my head was swirling earlier today, and I know there's just tons to get out.  I don't even know where to start.

OK.  how about a list.  That always helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

-anger

-new theory on intuitive eating: the role of sugar/getting in touch with my body

-not feeling taken care of

-injuries: what is god trying to tell me?

-moodiness/eggshells

Body Image and New Directions

I just had a crazy thought...or maybe it's not.  Maybe it's my first taste of real sanity coming out of the cloudiness.  I don't know.  But here is the general idea:

My body image has improved dramatically since last year when I started working the 12 steps, turning my body over to a higher power, and trying to accept myself as I am.  So much in my life has stabilized since that time, and my eating and exercise habits have cleaned up and balanced out quite a bit.  I don't weigh myself, so I can never really be sure if I've actually lost weight and leaned out, or if it's just my perception that has changed.  I'm often tempted to check the scale, to see ... to get confirmation that my body really is in better shape than last year, and I'm not just imagining it.  I used to feel disgusted and embarassed by my thighs and lack of definition in my abs and arms and ugh-i hated the hips and thighs!  Most of the time, I feel pretty good about my body.  Frequently, I can see all eight of my abs, and that crease that goes straight up the outside of the leg between the quads and hamstrings- it goes almost all of the way up to my hips without interruption.  Most of the time, I think I look really good!  I'm almost sure I'm in better shape than I was last year...but what if I'm not?  What if I haven't gotten any better, and I look exactly like I did back when I was bingeing on icecream all day?  what if?  what if I've brainwashed myself...conditioned my thoughts to live in a delusion that distorts my self image, so that I think i'm in good shape, and I imagine abs to make myself feel good, when really I'm chubby, and everyone else can see it?  (and here's the good part)  and what if the real delusion was how I saw myself before, and everyone else sees me as I see myself now (or even better), and I really had nothing to be embarased about before.  What if I was healthy, fit, and lean all along, and I was ashamed for nothing.  I was the only one who could see flab.  I've been afraid to get on the scale and find that I weight the same as what I weighed back then.  But that's because I programmed myself to believe that my weight back then was disgustingly obese.  What if that was actually a beautiful healthy weight, and I just couldn't accept it?  What if I really AM ok exactly how I am right now, regardless of how much I weigh or know, or what skills I can do?  ...or if I'm injured... i guess that's a shift in topics.  and yes- this is something I have to talk about tonight.  It's getting late, and I'm much rather ignore it, and go back to watching my movie on netflix, but I was crying hysterically on the way home from the doctor today.  I don't know what's wrong with my leg right now, and i am not handling it well.  i am really scared.  i hate doctors.  i swear they don't know anything.  i'm so frustrated.  He kept talking about sprains and strains, arthritis, and tendonitis, based on my history, but I know what those kinds of pain feel like, and it's not that!  Yes.  it's in my history, so of course I've felt it before, and I know how it feels, and that's not what's bothering me right now.  My ankle gets jammed-stuck-it feels like it's out of place.  I've learned how to shift it back in, but when it's out, then certain movements send shooting pains from my ankle straight up to my knee.  It's pulling on my adductor and my calf in a weird way that's making them constantly sore and tight.  It's creeping me out.  It's just...ok...this is the part that scares me...I believe everything happens for a reason, and when it seems like things have gone horribly wrong, it's God's way of telling us to move in a different direction.  I've been injured with multiple various problems for 1 year and 4 months.  I had minor aches and accidents for about 4 months before that.  And with the exception of the 2 years immediately prior to that, I have spent an average of 2 weeks on crutches every year since I was 16.  That's a lot.  it's quite a record.  I keep having people tell me that I have to rest for 4 weeks or 8 weeks, or whatever.  They insist that if I do, I'll get better and be truly healthy again.  Then I do it, and think i'm better, and then something else comes up, and they insist that I have to really take time off, and then I'll be healthy.  But it keeps going on and on, and the injury evolves.  I get hope that it's going to fade, and then it comes back in an unexpected, more confusing way.  What if this is God's way of telling me that I've gotten what I was supposed to get from pursuing my current dream, and now it's time to move on to something else?  I'm so scared.  I love new things, and all, but I love my job and my dream.  I don't want to let go of it.  And I feel like I've let go of so many things (all of them kicking and screaming), but I don't want to be a quitter.  and I don't want to quit!  I want to do this for many many years!  and I want to be amazing at it!  And I don't feel qualified for anything else.  oh.  I think that's the little kink that's been chipping away at my self esteem for the past week or two, building itself up, and gnawing away at my self esteem.  My self worth has always been tied up in the future.  I have the potential to be great at anything, but I've devoted so much time and energy towards one thing, and then given up before I reached the top, and then put it all into some other thing with an equally short lifespan, and then shifted again, and again, and if this doesn't work out, I feel like I'd have to start all over again with something new, but it would be useless, because right before I got to the point where I could use it for anything useful, I would quit AGAIN!!!  (oh my gosh!  I almost just said "I hate myself".  I thought it!)  Wow.  this is serious.  So, what is the solution?  I guess I just have to let go and let god.  If his plan is for me to do something different, it's going to be for my best good anyway.  No matter what I plan for myself, his plan is better.  Maybe, he's not changing my job.  I don't have to know or decide.  I just have to pray, and to be willing to listen for the answers.  It doesn't mean I have to quit my career, and go job hunting.  It means I have to listen to my body extra hard, research and seek out various doctors and specialists, and keep my eyes wide open for any new opportunities.  Maybe I'm going to travel, or go off into the wilderness, or learn to meditate, or...who knows?  I am definitely stuck in a little bit of a rut right now.  I'm scared to try anything new, because I can't handle the idea of missing an hour of my schedule of usual training.  Even day trips stress me out.  I work freelance, but I won't go anywhere or do anything out of the ordinary, because I'm afraid of missing a single potential day of work.  That's not healthy.  I think something's going to change in a good way.  I don't know what, and I don't know how.  But I feel a little bit more serenity around this.  I'm still a little scared, but kinda excited too.

Ha!  I just decided to take care of myself by not going to a workout in the park.  Then I immediately felt uncomfortable about the decision, and started wondering when or what I could eat next.  Psycho!  I'm so funny.  cool that i can recognize it though, right?  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I think i might go to the park and hang out.  I'll skip the leg stuff, but maybe do some of the upper body stuff.  I have a lot to get done today, but... 

OK. list.  I will list the top priorities for today.  that way, I can stop stressing about getting those nebulous things done, and actually do them.

-pay phone and credit card bills

-add up and fill up tax forms

-call Sava

-print and staple

-stretch

-settle saturday plans

ok.  now that it's all out in the open, I can let go of it.  I'm gonna get some good outdoor time with friends, and connect with people.  Then I'm gonna come back here, and take care of that list!

time to eat my words : )

I've been talking a lot lately about how I learned to use my intense food cravings as windows of opportunity to discover the underlying feeling at the root of it.  Whenever I felt the urge to binge, I would write until I could uncover what I'd burried.  Well, I just finished a meal, and I have a million reasons why it's OK for me to eat more, but the other side of the argument is being silenced.  That's my compulsive behavior coming up.  It's been rearing its head lately, and I've been making allowances for it.  Today...right now, I'm writing instead.  My actions are not based purely in fear and urgency like they used to be.  I don't feel like the world will come crashing down if I have one extra bite outside of my food plan.  I'm doing OK...really well, and I'm voluntarily enlarging my spiritual program...actually this is kinda cool.  My initial surrender and submission to God's will was painful.  It felt fake...like..."I'm not doing this because I like you or trust you, or have come to believe in your cause.  I'm surrendering because I've been beaten into submission, and I know that eventually you're going to get your way anyway.  If I go along with it now, I may experience slightly less pain and demoralization."  But today, it's different.  I do believe in God's cause.  I do want to do it his way.  I recognize that what he has planned for me is better than whatever I can plan for myself, and I'm totally willing to surrender my will whenever I recognize that I'm forcing it.  It's hard, but different.  and much nicer.  In fact, this time, it only took me about 10 minutes to get past that craving for more lunch.  That's pretty cool.  That's really cool.

I worked on my 4th step today, and I've already gone to a meeting and had some good phone conversations with people in program.  I even connected with some strangers!  and HAPPY 9 MONTHS TO ME!!!

Celebrate Victories

I realized tonight that I set goals and mile-markers to strive for and measure my progress, and I have them all set up on a pedestal.  Each goal seems like an amazing distant accomplishment to be celebrated, gaining relevance as it approaches, until right before it, when it seems certain.  Then its value plummets, and by the time I've achieved it, it's nothing.  "Yeah, I did it, but it's not that big of a deal.  I didn't do it that well." or "it's nothing compared to ..."  Why would I deprive myself of the joy of success?  Here is my current theory...

-I always think I'm not enough, so I expect everyone else to think the same thing if they know what I really am...if they know the truth.  I won't lie about what I am, but I stress the future, and what I have the potential to be.  I try to draw all focus away from where I am right now, so that you will see me for what I can be.  Hopefully, then, you will overlook the fact that I'm not there yet.  If I am excited about where I am now, I'm afraid that you will know how much of a challenge it was for me to get there, and will know that this is me, at my best.  I want you to think that this is just a little stepping stone in the middle of some down time, and normally I'm much better than this.  9 months is nothing, because I'm going to have 20 years someday.  I'm really on a 20 plus year abstinence...only I'm 9 months into it.  who can get excited about 9 months when you know that you're bound for so much more?  I want you to see me for how recovered I'm going to be, because I don't think I'm enough...no matter where I am.  And if I were at 20 years now, cool.  that would be super long and extraordinary, but I would brush it off as "just another year", because I couldn't give myself that victory either.  It's not about how big or small the victory is.  It's about my attitude towards it.  Kinda like birthdays...

So my contrary action is to accept this as a great achievement without minimizing or criticizing it in any way.  I will share it and brag about it at all of my meetings, and own my recovery.  I may even lead a meeting tomorrow...since my leader flaked out, and didn't even tell me!!! ugh.  acceptance.  

I've been feeling much much better today.  making phone calls and staying connected to friends makes a big difference in my life.  i'm tired, and i need to sleep .  good night.

evaluating consequences

My roommate just asked "you're parents didn't discipline you much as a kid, did they..."  actually it was more of a statement.  I hadn't put much thought into it before, but he was right.  He made the observation several hours after watching my absurd reaction to a conversation we had this afternoon.  He said I can't handle it when anyone makes any comment that even resembles disciplinary criticism or anything like that.  It was kinda a weird way of saying it, but he's totally right.  When anyone points out something I've done wrong or not well or failed to do... I take it as a personal attack, and just don't know what to do.  I feel like a horrible person.  I cry.  It's absurd.  "How do you handle it?" I asked him.  I guess I just think about it before I do it, and once I make a decision, I let it go.  If I'm breaking a rule, I know the consequences, and account for that risk in my decision to do it.  If I cry when I get caught, it's kinda childish, because I knew going into it that it was a possibility.

That makes perfect sense, I thought.  Don't I do that?  In a lot of things, I do.  I recognize the risk, and accept the possibility of the consequences.  But there are a lot of things I do that don't necessarily correspond with my moral code.  Most of them are little things, like procrastinating or not cleaning up after myself, but I get away with them so much that I gradually disconnect from the idea that I'm doing anything wrong or potentially hurtful to anyone else.  Then if anyone else calls me out on it, it's more of a sudden blow.  There was no prior consideration of the consequences- just action (or inaction).  The reminder or reprimand not only tells me that I am doing something bad and unacceptable.  It also reminds me that I have broken my own moral code, and that I know better, so I feel bad about my integrity.  Of course this is deeply hurtful.  Of course I cry.  So the answer (like always) is awareness.  

gotta be honest

Today is kinda a hard day.  I just had a scary borderline meal.  It's amazing how similar it was to a binge, and yet how different at the same time.  It's a good measure of how far I've come in recovery, but also a clear reminder that I am by nature a compulsive overeater, and that my daily reprieve is based on the daily maintenance of my spiritual program.

This morning I decided not to go to my usual workout.  Last night, I considered going to the hospital instead, because my leg hurts...it's weird...i don't know why.  But today it was feeling a little better.  Still, i've been feeling sick and really bogged down lately, and thought I could use a day off.  This is not a normal thing for me.  I'm really not comfortable with making that sort of decision for myself.  There are a lot of things I really wanted to do today that are really important, and I feel guilty about missing every one of them, and i don't know what to do with myself when i stay home anyway.  i have all this stuff that I need to do here, but I keep getting stuck infront of a movie, and doing nothing.  Am i that tired?  do i need that much rest? or is it something else.  I think I've gotten behind on my writing and spiritual maintenance.  I had begun to develop this amazing clarity, but it all got foggy recently.  It's like a couple of big things were revealed, and I latched onto them with my typical tunnel vision, which caused me to somehow lose contact with the source, and every thing got all bogged up.  So I've been feeling blind and alone for about a week.  I haven't really been looking at my schedule either, so I feel lost.  Like the world is going on and I'm not there.  I'm off on my own trying to catch up, but the more I try to compensate in isolation, the farther behind I fall.  I hate it.  And I feel like I don't know what to do to get back into the world.  The things that tend to ground me are writing, making a to-do list, making and returning phone calls, going to my favorite meetings, making plans and putting them on my schedule, and sticking to my food plan.  I want to turn this day around now.  But first i have to be honest about the meal I just had.  The things I did well which have changed based on things I learned in program are highlighted throughout this summary.  I was feeling guilty about not going places, and obligated to take action on mundane tasks, but couldn't bring myself to deal with these things.  I couldn't stop thinking about muffins.  I took a few minutes to acknowledge what could be going on in my head that was making me uncomfortable, and then made a phone call to talk about it.  I got some good advice.  I read in the big book until a very reasonable amount of time had passed since breakfast.  It was time for a meal anyway.  I rode my bicycle to the store, and considered buying a lot of foods that would not be in my best interest.  large bags of dried fruit, french vanilla creamer, chips, cookies, cakes...even ice cream.  instead, I bought a few groceries to put in the freezer, and for my meal, I bought a blueberry muffin, a piece of carrot bread, and a protein bar.  Granted- this is not a balanced meal (although you could try calling it one if you really want to stretch the imagination...fruit: blueberry, vegetable: carrot, protein, dairy, grain...it's all there...kinda)  but the compulsive desire was so familiar and scary, and the way I drove myself to find those foods to fulfill the craving was ...ugh.  I knew it wouldn't help!  I knew it wouldn't nurture...but I was compelled.  I prayed.  "please help me to be reasonable during this meal.  Please help me to stay conscious and aware and not hurt myself."  I don't know exactly what I said, but I asked God to be with me during my meal.  That's different.  And I bought a relatively small quantity.  I used to buy seemingly endless quantities, because...what if I ran out!?  This time I knew that I would come to an end, and probably want more, and that would be OK.  This wasn't going to be the last time I could have these things, so I didnt' have to stuff it all in now.  My choices for a meal, and the mindset when I selected them was scary, but when I finished eating them at home, it was worse.  I wasn't willing to be done.  I got 2 slices of flaxseed bread from the fridge, toasted them, and ate them.  I still couldn't stop, but i was also just barely aware that I wasn't full.  I took out leftovers from sunday night's dinner, and some sliced roast beef.  this was at least balanced compared to all of the carbohydrates I'd just eaten.  after a few bites of roast beef, I felt somewhat satisfied.  I was still compelled to eat more, but I knew it was time to stop, and I felt full.  not uncomfortably full, but full.  So that's cool.  I'm still emotionally uncomfortable, but I'm writing about it.  hopefully I'll write more today.  I think I've got a lot on my mind.