I love my new sponsor.  She gives me lots of homework.  It's adding up fast.  She keeps giving me more and more, and i'm always on the verge of being overwhelmed.  But that's where I do my best work, and feel the best about myself.  I don't have time to write tonight, but i'm doing it.  i don't have time to read for 10 minutes before bed, but I've been doing it for a week now.  I can't possibly write a list of all the activities I think i need to do, and prioratize them, but I did it, and I'm going to put them all on a color coded master schedule, and schedule my weeks in advance...to the best of my ability.  My 4th step is finally moving forward, and is almost done.  thank goodness.  I had a really hard day yesterday, but it passed, and only good things have come of it.  I had a really fun easy day today, and was really present, even though I had some really hard things going on.  So much is on my mind, and i'm not talking or writing enough to thoroughly process it, but I feel good about most of it.  I made a new friend today.  She does "guerilla planting?", and camping, and she's gonna come play on the rings with me.  I'm really excited, and I loved my meeting tonight.  The speaker talked about how putting her compulsive energy into her job for years made her really successful, and we have a similar vague abstinence, because we were both so obsessed with numbers, and black and white, and perfection in our diseases.  I ...crap...i related to practically everything she said, and I always forget what it was afterwards.  ugh.  oh-and now that i've been so buried in program, and having a tighter schedule, my obsession with food seems to be lifting again.  wasn't worried at all about it today, and yesterday was pretty nice too.  ok time to read.

my food has been feeling really compulsive for a while now, and I still haven't been writing.  I was feeling manic about getting home as fast as i could for my favorite sweet "dinner" of frozen fruit mixed with cottage cheese, vanilla protein powder, nuts, and stevia.  But now i'm home, and I still have 15 minutes before the earliest time i can eat according to my food plan.  that means i can't possibly be hungary, and the craving must be a result of something else.  I have definitely been having that disconnected feeling and discontent today.  I'm not sick anymore, and I'm judging myself again.  Last week, if I couldn't get stuff done, or needed to rest, I'd be like "it's ok.  i'm sick.  I must need the rest."  But now, I just think i'm being lazy.  It feels like if I just had the perfect activity available, I'd work out really hard, and get my energy and endorphines up, and feel really good.  Plus, I'd get my metabolism up, and burn some calories, and that would fix ALL of my problems, right?  lol.  it does feel that way.  And then I get the perfect activity, and it's a total disappointment, and i don't feel like doing it.  It's a huge let down, because it felt like this was going to fix everything, and NOTHING changes.  It's just like that illusion that you're going to find the answer to all your problems in the refrigerator.  The stuff you find in there can numb you out for a while, but as soon as you come back to reality, the problems are all still there.  I knew that would be the case when i went to work out today, but I never got warm enough to even get that temporary that I was seeking.  I was completely disinterested in the activity at hand, and just felt stuck in my head.  been watching a lot of movies too.  that's another way of numbing out for me.  but enough about numbing out.  we know i do that.  I'm a compulsive overeater, and obsessing about the symptoms is just another way of distracting from the real issue.

....so what is the real issue?

Well...I feel alone most of the time...like I don't have friends.  I don't think that's true, but I really don't have people in my life that I relate to AND see frequently or hang out with.  My program friends are great, but they're kinda far away, and our schedules never seem to allow us to hang out...at all.  It makes it easy for me to believe that they don't consider me a real friend.  Of course they'll talk and listen if I call them, but do they really want to talk to me?  I don't know for sure.  If they did, why do I still never every hang out with any of them?  Am I not trying hard enough?  Maybe I do give up too easily.  Maybe I'm putting effort into the wrong things.  

OK.  Here's something i'm really upset about.  One of the first people I really connected with in program-an inspiration to me, and someone I've always loved talking to-a long time ago, she said she really liked talking to me, and felt like we had a lot in common.  I used to call her a lot, and we had good conversations.  Over time, our conversations got shorter, and she called me back less frequently.  I feel like she's trying to phase me out.  Like she doesn't like me anymore.  Maybe I'm imagining things.  Maybe she's just really busy.  But I don't know how to approach this.  If I ask her about it, and it's true, she's probably going to feel bad, and obligated to talk to me more, but get resentful at me for it...I guess that's none of my business.  I guess it's up to her to take care of herself, and it's up to me to stand up for myself and tell my truth.  It's hard.  I don't want to.  I guess i should call one of  my sponsors, and ask her how to approach this.

i don't really feel like writing, but it's on my checklist, and I've ignored it 2 days in a row.  I can't in good conscience neglect it again today.  That's part of what i'm working on now.  Being aware enough of the circumstances, my options, and the consequences of my action or inaction to take responsibility, and not get blind sided.  I guess what i want to do is not pay attention to how long i've been going without writing, so that I don't have to feel bad for not doing something i know i'm supposed to do.  its like i think that if i don't know i'm doing something wrong, I won't have to deal with any consequences.  but the consequences come either way.  I'm trying to acknowledge that before I make a choice, and really evaluate whether it's worth it or not.  In this case, are the extra few minutes of sleep i would get if I went to bed now, worth my feelings getting bottled up, my recovery getting stagnant, my program getting weak and careless, and potentially relapseing?  Wow.  not at all.  but I've been skipping writing all of the time, because I simply chose to be negligent.  That's such a pattern for me. I had no idea that's what i was going to write about tonight.  I'm always amazed by what comes out of me when i journal.  I feel so much more self aware when i do this.  No wonder i was feeling icky and slow...even regressive.  I'm really glad i took the extra few minutes to write.  

I  feel a lot better today than i have been for a while.  My inventory checklist is helping me stay on track.  i tried 2 new meetings this week, and i've been making and receiving more phone calls.  it's nice.  i feel loved.  I'm reading "the way of the peaceful warrior", and of course it's wonderful.  I just started doing cardio before breakfast, and that's been feeling good.  it was just a really full productive day, and since I felt so good about myself, I was delighted to find the body obsession dramatically lifted...and the food too.  I've been making much better choices today.  And I actually feel pretty good about my body.  There's such a visual difference from just yesterday (in my eyes).

the best thing i can pray for:

God-help me to trust that you have a plan for me, and that's i'm going to love it.  Help me to know instinctively what actions you would have me take, and grant me the desire to take those actions no matter how hard or impossible they may appear.  Help me to accept and enjoy everything for what it is, exactly how it is...I'm getting wordy.  basically: awareness and willingness.  When i'm most connected, All I really want is to know my higher power's will, and to have the willingness to follow it.  and i feel it now.  it feels good.

disconnected from consequneces

sigh.  the good news is, I could go eat dinner right now, but I know I'm feeling something, and even though I feel like I've processed it in my head, my dinner will be saner if I write about it first.  I have this reaction whenever my roommate calls me out on something.  If I forget to wash a dish or turn off the oven or lock myself out of the apt, he says something about it, and I feel sooooo inferior.  I don't know if it's the way he says it, but it always gets me.  No matter how the rest of the day went, it just breaks me down every time without fail.  Today, I think i understand why.  I think I wrote before about how sensitive I am to "getting in trouble".  When I do something wrong or irresponsible, I justify it to myself.  I couldn't live with myself if I did something wrong out of spite, anger, or inconsiderateness, but if I simply have no other choice, am forced into a corner, and am taking the only possible action with good intentions, then I can accept myself as a good person.  I know it's inconsiderate to leave dirty dishes in the sink, but I'm running so late, and it will have a devastating effect on many other people if I'm late, so I have to leave the dish in the sink.  I will clean it up later.  And besides, my roommate does it sometimes too, so he can't say anything about it.  Through this justification, I have disconnected from the concept that I'm doing anything wrong.  Now if I forget about that dish for a few days and my roommate calls me out on it, I realize that I have done something rude and inconsiderate, that I've inconvenienced someone else, and that they probably think badly of me.

He has this big bin of protein powder.  over christmas, I tried a scoop.  I didn't think he'd notice one missing scoop, but I  got addicted.  I kept taking scoops until I knew I'd have to replace it.  I guess I thought that if I took a small enough amount that he didn't notice, I wasn't wrong for taking it.  And if I replaced exactly what I took, I wasn't doing anything wrong.  The new package didn't come quickly enough to hide it from him, so I came clean, and told him that the new bin was in the mail.  When it arrived, it replaced way more than I had eaten, so I continued to help myself to what was there.  After all, at least half of the new stuff was rightfully mine anyway.  I'm not sure when I surpassed my half of the new protein, but he must keep better tabs on it than I do.  He left a note on my door saying he was charging me for it since I was eating more than my share "and I never asked for permission anyway".  I was soooo hurt by that note!  why?  I realized that I'd felt a little pang of guilt every time I scooped out of that container.  I tried to wait until he wasn't watching.  I was sneaking it, because I wanted more than my fair share.  I had disconnected from the reality that I was stealing his protein powder, but he threw it right out in the open, and I felt naked and hated.  I felt like I was a bad person, and everyone knew it.  I feel like a mooch who takes advantage of everybody, and give out very little in return.  I feel like I do just barely enough for other people to almost believe that I'm not a selfish brat, but not quite enough, and it's heart wrenching when I feel like other people can see me for what I really am.  This is one of the defects I'm writing about in my 4th step.  I don't want to be that person