A yucky day in recovery is better than a good day in my disease.  (do those really exist anyway?)  And that's important to remember, because today just feels kinda yucky.  there's no real reason.  or maybe i'm stuck in my head about something.  My next meal is probably the most captivating topic for me at the moment.  Ya know...that's been the case a lot for the past few days, and I have actually been feeling like I have a lot on my mind, but everytime I sit down to write, it all gets jammed.  I think i'm feeling OK about the coach thing.  I received evidence from several sources that in a lot of ways, my current coach that I've been relying on to help moderate my exercise routine is not trustworthy.  It's confusing, because of the way he appeared so suddenly when I had prayed for clear guidance...a mentor...and there he was.  It was like God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself...through him...because God speaks to us through other people sometimes, right?  but I know this disease can't be cured by any "human power", and this man is absolutely human.  This new information about him (well i guess it wasn't new.  i had an instinct about it all along, but now i know to trust that instinct) just reminds me that he is not the ultimate authority.  And that's a little scary, because I still like things to be black and white: do everything he says, or do whatever I want, and i feel like this gives me license to do whatever i want.  But following his program is probably the healthier more self caring thing to do right now.  Actually...this makes a lot of sense.  One of my fears entering into this agreement with this man was that I would blindly obey whatever he said, and stop bothering to listen to my body.  It was a huge struggle before I met him, just trying to learn what I'm capable of and where I can push myself without going to far.  I was floundering and needed guidance, but I have to stay aware, so I can learn to get that from my higher power.  The point here is not to do the perfect amount of workout or eat according to the perfect food plan.  The point is to learn to get that input from a higher power, so I can adapt and adjust in the moment.  It's the difference between having a rigid cookie cutter formula that you stick to to get a perfect product and knowing/trusting the source that made the cookie cutter, so that you can get those great results in a different way every time, no matter the circumstances.  Because sometimes the cookie cutter doesn't fit.  Then what do you do?  If you aren't connected to your higher power, you're lost.  So when last week, he told me I was only giving 80%, and that I needed to give 100%, I began sacrificing my own intuition, and not bothering to check in with my higher power.  I got the kick in the pants I needed.  A clear blunt statement that he is as human as I am, and while he is teaching me valuable lessons, my relationship with my higher power takes precedence.  It's kinda cool.  So I don't get to turn off my brain or check out.  Gotta keep praying.

My recent condiment obsession has been a lovely little reminder that yes-I am still a compulsive overeater.  I'm not in control.  The daily reprieve that I have frequently is still conditional on my spiritual maintenence, and I must pray about the condiments now.  I can't think my way out of it any better than I could plot my own recovery, or strategize weight loss.  It's just another opportunity to connect to my higher power.