Daily AEIOU's

This morning, I'm following the example of a friend in program. I told a friend recently that it helps me to have something to do after meals- an immediate plan-preferably one that involves the tools of the program. It reminded to to actually use that advice, so today I'm writing after my breakfast.
A is for Abstinence. I'm committing to staying abstinent and to not multi-tasking or distracting myself while I'm eating.
E is for exercise. I'm training with a coach at 11.
...ok. i don't actually know what I,O, and U stand for, but I'll just write some stuff ;-)
God, please help me live a meaningful life today. Help me seek your constant guidance, and follow the direction you give me through my heart and the universe. Help me stay conscious and present. Please remove the obsession with self and desire to numb out. Help me be there for others and focus on how I can be of service to the world. OK. that sounds like a good day. Gotta go to a meeting. Later!

Step 4 and Relationships

I'd almost forgotten this was here. and i have no idea what to write about, but i can feel my head spinning. I'm tired and just want to go to sleep, but ... i can't. I think i was having feelings earlier today, and i buried them somehow, and I can't sleep until I at least try to look at them. I was working on the relationship portion of my 4th step this morning. It was kinda amazing. I made some incredible connections about my very first "dating" adventures and how my perception of those encounters has molded the way I approach every relationship today. It's funny because I always thought i was so tough, and I learn more and more every day how incredibly sensitive I am. It's hard to believe that one little boy in preschool could have initiated such an intense fear of rejection that I would spend the next 20 years refusing to show any hint of attraction to any guy that I liked until he had made it rediculously clear that he liked me first. I wouldn't even admit to myself that I liked a guy until I knew for sure that he was seriously pursuing an actual relationship with me. Could such fear really have come from such a tiny thing? really? Well I didn't seem to have any fear of rejection before I chased this kid around preschool trying to kiss him, and since I never actively pursued any guy after that, I must assume that this was the cause, but what caused this fear isn't as important as what I do with it now. I don't want to live in fear. damn it! i feel like i've written all of this already. and I did this morning. what's really on my mind right now? i've been grumpy and in my head all afternoon. I think i'm confused. about relationships, and what i want my role to be. I feel like a contradiction. I read a book that talks about how every functional relationship has to have 1 male energy and 1 female energy, and it doesn't matter which you are as long as your partner is the other one. I've been so sure that I want to be the female energy for years, because...I want the guy to pursue me. and that would mean that I would let him take the lead...well...it means a lot of things, but I know I have some serious control issues and I need to work on them. A person who's obsessed with controlling things might not be so good at surrendering the lead to a life partner. I feel like i've been living with the understanding that I'm not going to be able to have a successful or enjoyable relationship until I can learn to compromise and let go. to some extent, this is true of course, but one person in the relationship has to take the lead, and why am i so certain that it's not me? What if everything else about the masculine energy suits me more, and I only chose to be the feminine energy because I was afraid of revealing how i feel about a guy before he chases after me? What if i'm looking for the totally wrong kind of man for myself, and stressing my brains out about how to interact in a certain way when the way I interact might be perfect already!? wouldn't that be silly. Maybe the problem is that i'm such a leader, and i'm looking for someone to "out-lead" me rather than someone who will enjoy following. I'm pretty sure that my mom is the masculine energy while my step dad is the feminine energy. and they have a great relationship. Today, I'm willing to open my mind to a different type of guy and to be honest and express myself freely.

New Opportunities

i'm in such a weird place in my life.  Based on my way of thinking for most of my life, nothing is as it should be, and i'm totally miserable, but thank God, that's not the way it is.  I am unreasonably happy and excited about life.  Nothing I could have done could have changed my circumstances.  Certain things happened that were beyond my control, and while last year i would have alternated between denial and misery, this year I am open to the amazing new directions in which my life could go.  I love the path my life was on before my accident, and hope that I can continue on that path.  I will continue to do what footwork I can towards that goal, but there is very little that I can healthfully do in that direction, while there are so many new inspiring ideas which are not at all hindered by my current condition.  Yesterday, i had no committments, appointments, or obligations.  nothing but possibilities and time.  Everything seems to be falling into place, and all of my footwork seems to be leading in several very promising directions.  different directions, and i don't know if they'll all fit together.  that's such familiar territory for me.  i always have a million things to do, and have to scramble to fit them all in.  Since my whole schedule planner emptied out 5 weeks ago, i've really learned to love this fly by the seat of my pants way of life.  i'm planning all kinds of road trips, and getting really used to having no place to be.  So suddenly my schedule might be filling up.  I'm feeling pressure to figure out how to fit everything in while i still have time.  id i'm gonna have one job that forces me to at least stay in town, then i might as well get all these other things (like massage school and community college classes, and fire fighter training) done at the same tiem.  but that means coordinating them all, making sure they're in the same vacinity, and that they don't overlap.  then i have to move so that i'm close to that area, and can i afford it?  then what if i have no free time?  what if i go back to all of my old habits?  

ohhhhhhhh.  that's why i was "hungary" a couple of minutes ago.  the opportunities are exciting, yet safe and comfortable when they're only vague possibilities in the distant future, but when they start coming to fruition, i have to face the practicality of them-the logistics rather than just the ideal.

I guess i just have to remember that i only have to do the small steps directly in front of me and i don't have to do everything at once.  most summer classes don't start til june 22.  hmmm.  it just came to me.  over the summer, i want to work at the treatment center and take sign language, and live in the OC...somewhere.  it'll be like summer vacation while i heal.  i can put the other 3 jobs on hold (unless they pursue me) until fall, so i can focus on a few.  so that makes the top priorities 1. my own recovery and program, 2. training for the job i just got? and doing it, 3. getting a place to live down there for a while, and 4. a summer school class.  that's more than enough.  i feel so much better.

Happy Birthday!

I just celebrated my first birthday, and it was the most warm, wonderful, fulfilling birthday week I've ever had.  I love OA, and taking chips and candles!  Both of my sponsors got me cards, and one even gave me a present!  One other meeting sent a card around the room, and everyone signed it.  I haven't thrown a party for myself since i was 12, but at the last minute, i invited everyone at the meeting this morning to a birthday pool party.  Only 3 could make it, but it was perfect.  I'm gonna actually plan ahead next time, and have a real party.  Before my birthday, i was feeling pretty isolated, and really bogged down.  I made a list of things i had on my mind that needed to be processed, and here is the list...my goal is to journal on one each day until my mind is clear of worry.  I expect to be adding to the list as i go, so it may never be completely gone.  I'm sure it will come and go...ebb and flow...like everything else.  but here it is : ) 

  married friend

  taking advantage of friends

  neglecting/procrastinating on return phone calls

x this freakin' dog

  granola bars

x hgh

  nutritionist

  toughness/stupidity-hurting myself

  clearer abstinence?

  jealous of mom

  more productive schedule

  secrets/isolation from coworkers

  new job possibilities

x disability

  new home

  new transportation

  body image: delusion vs accepdance

  have i done permanant harm?  will i ever be the same?

I love my new sponsor.  She gives me lots of homework.  It's adding up fast.  She keeps giving me more and more, and i'm always on the verge of being overwhelmed.  But that's where I do my best work, and feel the best about myself.  I don't have time to write tonight, but i'm doing it.  i don't have time to read for 10 minutes before bed, but I've been doing it for a week now.  I can't possibly write a list of all the activities I think i need to do, and prioratize them, but I did it, and I'm going to put them all on a color coded master schedule, and schedule my weeks in advance...to the best of my ability.  My 4th step is finally moving forward, and is almost done.  thank goodness.  I had a really hard day yesterday, but it passed, and only good things have come of it.  I had a really fun easy day today, and was really present, even though I had some really hard things going on.  So much is on my mind, and i'm not talking or writing enough to thoroughly process it, but I feel good about most of it.  I made a new friend today.  She does "guerilla planting?", and camping, and she's gonna come play on the rings with me.  I'm really excited, and I loved my meeting tonight.  The speaker talked about how putting her compulsive energy into her job for years made her really successful, and we have a similar vague abstinence, because we were both so obsessed with numbers, and black and white, and perfection in our diseases.  I ...crap...i related to practically everything she said, and I always forget what it was afterwards.  ugh.  oh-and now that i've been so buried in program, and having a tighter schedule, my obsession with food seems to be lifting again.  wasn't worried at all about it today, and yesterday was pretty nice too.  ok time to read.

my food has been feeling really compulsive for a while now, and I still haven't been writing.  I was feeling manic about getting home as fast as i could for my favorite sweet "dinner" of frozen fruit mixed with cottage cheese, vanilla protein powder, nuts, and stevia.  But now i'm home, and I still have 15 minutes before the earliest time i can eat according to my food plan.  that means i can't possibly be hungary, and the craving must be a result of something else.  I have definitely been having that disconnected feeling and discontent today.  I'm not sick anymore, and I'm judging myself again.  Last week, if I couldn't get stuff done, or needed to rest, I'd be like "it's ok.  i'm sick.  I must need the rest."  But now, I just think i'm being lazy.  It feels like if I just had the perfect activity available, I'd work out really hard, and get my energy and endorphines up, and feel really good.  Plus, I'd get my metabolism up, and burn some calories, and that would fix ALL of my problems, right?  lol.  it does feel that way.  And then I get the perfect activity, and it's a total disappointment, and i don't feel like doing it.  It's a huge let down, because it felt like this was going to fix everything, and NOTHING changes.  It's just like that illusion that you're going to find the answer to all your problems in the refrigerator.  The stuff you find in there can numb you out for a while, but as soon as you come back to reality, the problems are all still there.  I knew that would be the case when i went to work out today, but I never got warm enough to even get that temporary that I was seeking.  I was completely disinterested in the activity at hand, and just felt stuck in my head.  been watching a lot of movies too.  that's another way of numbing out for me.  but enough about numbing out.  we know i do that.  I'm a compulsive overeater, and obsessing about the symptoms is just another way of distracting from the real issue.

....so what is the real issue?

Well...I feel alone most of the time...like I don't have friends.  I don't think that's true, but I really don't have people in my life that I relate to AND see frequently or hang out with.  My program friends are great, but they're kinda far away, and our schedules never seem to allow us to hang out...at all.  It makes it easy for me to believe that they don't consider me a real friend.  Of course they'll talk and listen if I call them, but do they really want to talk to me?  I don't know for sure.  If they did, why do I still never every hang out with any of them?  Am I not trying hard enough?  Maybe I do give up too easily.  Maybe I'm putting effort into the wrong things.  

OK.  Here's something i'm really upset about.  One of the first people I really connected with in program-an inspiration to me, and someone I've always loved talking to-a long time ago, she said she really liked talking to me, and felt like we had a lot in common.  I used to call her a lot, and we had good conversations.  Over time, our conversations got shorter, and she called me back less frequently.  I feel like she's trying to phase me out.  Like she doesn't like me anymore.  Maybe I'm imagining things.  Maybe she's just really busy.  But I don't know how to approach this.  If I ask her about it, and it's true, she's probably going to feel bad, and obligated to talk to me more, but get resentful at me for it...I guess that's none of my business.  I guess it's up to her to take care of herself, and it's up to me to stand up for myself and tell my truth.  It's hard.  I don't want to.  I guess i should call one of  my sponsors, and ask her how to approach this.

i don't really feel like writing, but it's on my checklist, and I've ignored it 2 days in a row.  I can't in good conscience neglect it again today.  That's part of what i'm working on now.  Being aware enough of the circumstances, my options, and the consequences of my action or inaction to take responsibility, and not get blind sided.  I guess what i want to do is not pay attention to how long i've been going without writing, so that I don't have to feel bad for not doing something i know i'm supposed to do.  its like i think that if i don't know i'm doing something wrong, I won't have to deal with any consequences.  but the consequences come either way.  I'm trying to acknowledge that before I make a choice, and really evaluate whether it's worth it or not.  In this case, are the extra few minutes of sleep i would get if I went to bed now, worth my feelings getting bottled up, my recovery getting stagnant, my program getting weak and careless, and potentially relapseing?  Wow.  not at all.  but I've been skipping writing all of the time, because I simply chose to be negligent.  That's such a pattern for me. I had no idea that's what i was going to write about tonight.  I'm always amazed by what comes out of me when i journal.  I feel so much more self aware when i do this.  No wonder i was feeling icky and slow...even regressive.  I'm really glad i took the extra few minutes to write.  

I  feel a lot better today than i have been for a while.  My inventory checklist is helping me stay on track.  i tried 2 new meetings this week, and i've been making and receiving more phone calls.  it's nice.  i feel loved.  I'm reading "the way of the peaceful warrior", and of course it's wonderful.  I just started doing cardio before breakfast, and that's been feeling good.  it was just a really full productive day, and since I felt so good about myself, I was delighted to find the body obsession dramatically lifted...and the food too.  I've been making much better choices today.  And I actually feel pretty good about my body.  There's such a visual difference from just yesterday (in my eyes).

the best thing i can pray for:

God-help me to trust that you have a plan for me, and that's i'm going to love it.  Help me to know instinctively what actions you would have me take, and grant me the desire to take those actions no matter how hard or impossible they may appear.  Help me to accept and enjoy everything for what it is, exactly how it is...I'm getting wordy.  basically: awareness and willingness.  When i'm most connected, All I really want is to know my higher power's will, and to have the willingness to follow it.  and i feel it now.  it feels good.