Daily AEIOU's

This morning, I'm following the example of a friend in program. I told a friend recently that it helps me to have something to do after meals- an immediate plan-preferably one that involves the tools of the program. It reminded to to actually use that advice, so today I'm writing after my breakfast.
A is for Abstinence. I'm committing to staying abstinent and to not multi-tasking or distracting myself while I'm eating.
E is for exercise. I'm training with a coach at 11.
...ok. i don't actually know what I,O, and U stand for, but I'll just write some stuff ;-)
God, please help me live a meaningful life today. Help me seek your constant guidance, and follow the direction you give me through my heart and the universe. Help me stay conscious and present. Please remove the obsession with self and desire to numb out. Help me be there for others and focus on how I can be of service to the world. OK. that sounds like a good day. Gotta go to a meeting. Later!

Step 4 and Relationships

I'd almost forgotten this was here. and i have no idea what to write about, but i can feel my head spinning. I'm tired and just want to go to sleep, but ... i can't. I think i was having feelings earlier today, and i buried them somehow, and I can't sleep until I at least try to look at them. I was working on the relationship portion of my 4th step this morning. It was kinda amazing. I made some incredible connections about my very first "dating" adventures and how my perception of those encounters has molded the way I approach every relationship today. It's funny because I always thought i was so tough, and I learn more and more every day how incredibly sensitive I am. It's hard to believe that one little boy in preschool could have initiated such an intense fear of rejection that I would spend the next 20 years refusing to show any hint of attraction to any guy that I liked until he had made it rediculously clear that he liked me first. I wouldn't even admit to myself that I liked a guy until I knew for sure that he was seriously pursuing an actual relationship with me. Could such fear really have come from such a tiny thing? really? Well I didn't seem to have any fear of rejection before I chased this kid around preschool trying to kiss him, and since I never actively pursued any guy after that, I must assume that this was the cause, but what caused this fear isn't as important as what I do with it now. I don't want to live in fear. damn it! i feel like i've written all of this already. and I did this morning. what's really on my mind right now? i've been grumpy and in my head all afternoon. I think i'm confused. about relationships, and what i want my role to be. I feel like a contradiction. I read a book that talks about how every functional relationship has to have 1 male energy and 1 female energy, and it doesn't matter which you are as long as your partner is the other one. I've been so sure that I want to be the female energy for years, because...I want the guy to pursue me. and that would mean that I would let him take the lead...well...it means a lot of things, but I know I have some serious control issues and I need to work on them. A person who's obsessed with controlling things might not be so good at surrendering the lead to a life partner. I feel like i've been living with the understanding that I'm not going to be able to have a successful or enjoyable relationship until I can learn to compromise and let go. to some extent, this is true of course, but one person in the relationship has to take the lead, and why am i so certain that it's not me? What if everything else about the masculine energy suits me more, and I only chose to be the feminine energy because I was afraid of revealing how i feel about a guy before he chases after me? What if i'm looking for the totally wrong kind of man for myself, and stressing my brains out about how to interact in a certain way when the way I interact might be perfect already!? wouldn't that be silly. Maybe the problem is that i'm such a leader, and i'm looking for someone to "out-lead" me rather than someone who will enjoy following. I'm pretty sure that my mom is the masculine energy while my step dad is the feminine energy. and they have a great relationship. Today, I'm willing to open my mind to a different type of guy and to be honest and express myself freely.